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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think promiscuous men should be shamed more?

417 replies

TheJoyOfWriting · 08/09/2025 22:28

This, really. The whole body count discourse is the latest version of slut-shaming, as it's mostly aimed at women. Promiscuous men are still given status by other men and by women, too often.

The body count arguments that people use against women can be used against men just as easily. Promiscuous men are more likely to cheat. They are more likely to have STDs. They are more likely to have contributed to an 'oops' baby- it takes 2 to make one, and more likely to walk away after w no consequences.

Promiscuous men often dump women after pretending to be interested to get sex, esp on datjng apps, which fuel this kind of behaviour. Women tend to find ONSs less satisfying, often partly bc these kind of men often don't care about giving pleasure, just taking it.

The idea that a man's worth is measured by how many women he has sex with is very bad. It encourages men to treat women badly, and it fuels the incel culture by making men feel insecure & unmanly if they're not sexually successful.

Thoughts? I don't mean we should call Promiscuous men horrible names or talk about them like 'run through' or 'high mileage cars' the way some men do about promiscuous women. But I think they should be shamed more, by both men and women.

I don't think casual sex is bad per se, but I think the culture of it has got out of control, and Promiscuous men share a lot of the blame.

OP posts:
TheJoyOfWriting · 08/09/2025 23:14

OrangeSmoke · 08/09/2025 22:55

I can't think of a single issue society faces that is going to be resolved or even improved by shaming anyone. Childish, bullying behaviour.

I also think you underestimate how many women are happy to have casual sex. I suspect in most cases women are willing participants who have their eyes fully open to the fact it's just a ONS. Of course manipulation sometimes happens but I'd wager the vast majority of casual sexual encounters are recognised as such by both parties, and I think it's a bit patronising to women to suggest we're all being hoodwinked.

We can debate the morality of shaming, but shame and taboos have been used to control behaviour seen as bad since time immemorial.

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GarlicPint · 08/09/2025 23:15

Can't vote because I agree with you that the language is dehumanising and the concepts are outdated ones that should have died decades ago. And I also agree that promiscuity is fine for either sex. Nobody should be shamed for it, it's the double standard that's offensive.

Rewis · 08/09/2025 23:27

The men who speak like this are the manosphere crowd. The Tate-ortots. The incel crowd who goes on abour alpha men and low value women. They can't get laid so they have to come up with excuses why they reject women (that were never an option in the first place). I can't take their opinions seriously.

PennySweeet · 08/09/2025 23:29

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

I'm not sure how I feel about women being shamed.

Are you saying you think they should be?

OtherS · 08/09/2025 23:31

Agree nobody should be shamed for being promiscuous, and I don't think I've ever noticed it. Both men and women I know enjoy casual sex occasionally, or at least did when young and single. If I ever heard my male friends talking about their 'encounters', it tended to be very flattering. There wasn't any kind of admiration though for anyone of either sex sleeping around, I think we all would have found it very off-putting if someone was proud of their conquests! And we certainly wouldn't have been impressed if someone started shaming others for their sexual adventures.

Possibly it's a generational thing? I'm mid-40s, and I do get the impression misogyny has become way worse in the last decade or two. Although it manifested differently back then maybe; watching old interviews etc of young female celebrities is shocking now, but I think our actual lived experience was probably better than nowadays. Maybe just my bubble though.

SirBasil · 08/09/2025 23:31

No.
i think men should STFU about "body count"

And that women should not be shamed for having any amount of sex at all ever.

TheJoyOfWriting · 08/09/2025 23:32

PennySweeet · 08/09/2025 23:29

I'm not sure how I feel about women being shamed.

Are you saying you think they should be?

Maybe both sexes should be. I'm still deciding how I feel about casual sex and it's effects on society. I know in my OP I said I didn't disagree with it. I don't think it's always bad, but definitely hookup culture now is out of control...

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Dontlletmedownbruce · 08/09/2025 23:33

TheJoyOfWriting · 08/09/2025 22:55

I think I remember someone of your username who said they were male? May I ask if you're a man?

If so, would you say that non-promiscuous men shame promiscuous ones, but that men are more likely to be promiscuous than women are, so they receive more shaming from their own gender?

Also, do you think it's only non-promiscuous, not promiscuous, men who shame promiscuous women?

Edited

Definitely not a man!. I'm a woman in late 40s and married a long time so I'm probably a bit removed from a lot of this. But to give you my tuppence worth. I think its non promiscuous men who would be more likely to be critical of promiscuous women. The same men are also likely to be critical of promiscuous men but maybe not to the same degree. I have a male friend who slept around a lot and while everyone accepted him, the men were a bit embarrassed of him and often quick to reassure women they were not like that. They didn't shame him though. He never slut shamed anyone and was drawn to promiscuous women because, well he wanted to shag them didn't he. I wouldn't say generally men receive more shaming from men than women. I think they are mostly accepting either way but I've never known them to idolise a promiscuous man or tease a non promiscuous man. In my experience I don't think there was much shaming either way to be honest.

PennySweeet · 08/09/2025 23:34

TheJoyOfWriting · 08/09/2025 23:32

Maybe both sexes should be. I'm still deciding how I feel about casual sex and it's effects on society. I know in my OP I said I didn't disagree with it. I don't think it's always bad, but definitely hookup culture now is out of control...

What do you mean it's out of control?

How can consenting, single adults having sex when they want to, with who they want to, be 'out of control'?

You're not making much sense.

Where's the harm in it?

Dontlletmedownbruce · 08/09/2025 23:35

Yes my experience is similar to yours @OtherS I'm only a few years older and had that phase of life before SM. Thank God for that

Moveoverdarlin · 08/09/2025 23:40

There is nothing wrong with men being promiscuous, providing they’re single and using contraception.

My happiest days were when I was single, playing the field, ONS here and there, holiday flings. Sex is so much fun when you’re young and carefree. I would much much rather my adult children be single and playing the field in their twenties than settled down. You have the rest of your life to do that. Enjoy sex, before you have to have it with the same person for 40 odd years.

In my experience the couples in my social circle that are divorcing are the ones who got married young and didn’t get the opportunity to shag around a bit. It’s the ones that waited until after sowing their wild oats that seem more solid. After a few years the novelty wears off and you long for commitment.

ladyofshertonabbas · 08/09/2025 23:44

Shaming people? Whattt?!

TheJoyOfWriting · 08/09/2025 23:45

PennySweeet · 08/09/2025 23:34

What do you mean it's out of control?

How can consenting, single adults having sex when they want to, with who they want to, be 'out of control'?

You're not making much sense.

Where's the harm in it?

You're not Gen Z. There are huge problems with hookup culture in my generation : pornsick boys thinking choking & anal is what most women want, women getting played and dumped on apps when they're looking for something lasting, misogynistic attitudes fuelled by online, as people have pointed out.

However, I don't think it's just Gen Z. From what I read, there seems to be a problem on dating apps for all age groups, that promiscuous men use them to hookup, even though most of the women they see are upfront about wanting something long term.

I should say that I've not experienced these things myself. I'm bi & naturally more interested in women, and I'm happy to focus on them. But this is the experience of mamy of my friends & acquaintances who date boys, and my reading from various sources.

It's not coincidence that many women of my Gen, or even under 40, are staying single w this kind of behaviour!

The argument I see a lot is that men find it very hard to control their sexual instincts, so in a hookup culture, they don't bother to settle down or treat women well. This seems harsh to me but tbh I'm wondering if it's true...

OP posts:
TheJoyOfWriting · 08/09/2025 23:49

Moveoverdarlin · 08/09/2025 23:40

There is nothing wrong with men being promiscuous, providing they’re single and using contraception.

My happiest days were when I was single, playing the field, ONS here and there, holiday flings. Sex is so much fun when you’re young and carefree. I would much much rather my adult children be single and playing the field in their twenties than settled down. You have the rest of your life to do that. Enjoy sex, before you have to have it with the same person for 40 odd years.

In my experience the couples in my social circle that are divorcing are the ones who got married young and didn’t get the opportunity to shag around a bit. It’s the ones that waited until after sowing their wild oats that seem more solid. After a few years the novelty wears off and you long for commitment.

Interesting. This sounds nice..but is it working out for most people like that? If not, why not?

Maybe the Internet? Still working out my thoughts...

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PennySweeet · 08/09/2025 23:51

TheJoyOfWriting · 08/09/2025 23:45

You're not Gen Z. There are huge problems with hookup culture in my generation : pornsick boys thinking choking & anal is what most women want, women getting played and dumped on apps when they're looking for something lasting, misogynistic attitudes fuelled by online, as people have pointed out.

However, I don't think it's just Gen Z. From what I read, there seems to be a problem on dating apps for all age groups, that promiscuous men use them to hookup, even though most of the women they see are upfront about wanting something long term.

I should say that I've not experienced these things myself. I'm bi & naturally more interested in women, and I'm happy to focus on them. But this is the experience of mamy of my friends & acquaintances who date boys, and my reading from various sources.

It's not coincidence that many women of my Gen, or even under 40, are staying single w this kind of behaviour!

The argument I see a lot is that men find it very hard to control their sexual instincts, so in a hookup culture, they don't bother to settle down or treat women well. This seems harsh to me but tbh I'm wondering if it's true...

But why do you feel that men and women should be shamed for enjoying a promiscuous sex life if that's what they want?

You still haven't answered this?

You said you think promiscuous men should be shamed and that you're not 'sure' if women should be shamed.

What other perfectly legal things do you think men and women should be shamed for, that you think is 'out of control'?

Having children outside of marriage?

Getting divorced?

Having children with more than one partner?

Or should only their sex choices bring shame upon them?

GarlicPint · 08/09/2025 23:54

pornsick boys thinking choking & anal is what most women want, women getting played and dumped on apps when they're looking for something lasting, misogynistic attitudes fuelled by online

This isn't a problem with promiscuity, @TheJoyOfWriting. It's a problem with porn culture.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 08/09/2025 23:54

Moveoverdarlin · 08/09/2025 23:40

There is nothing wrong with men being promiscuous, providing they’re single and using contraception.

My happiest days were when I was single, playing the field, ONS here and there, holiday flings. Sex is so much fun when you’re young and carefree. I would much much rather my adult children be single and playing the field in their twenties than settled down. You have the rest of your life to do that. Enjoy sex, before you have to have it with the same person for 40 odd years.

In my experience the couples in my social circle that are divorcing are the ones who got married young and didn’t get the opportunity to shag around a bit. It’s the ones that waited until after sowing their wild oats that seem more solid. After a few years the novelty wears off and you long for commitment.

I found the opposite about sex. It made me angst ridden. I didn’t want to be a notch on a bedpost.

TheJoyOfWriting · 08/09/2025 23:58

PennySweeet · 08/09/2025 23:51

But why do you feel that men and women should be shamed for enjoying a promiscuous sex life if that's what they want?

You still haven't answered this?

You said you think promiscuous men should be shamed and that you're not 'sure' if women should be shamed.

What other perfectly legal things do you think men and women should be shamed for, that you think is 'out of control'?

Having children outside of marriage?

Getting divorced?

Having children with more than one partner?

Or should only their sex choices bring shame upon them?

I think it's best to have children with the same person. Divorce too, better if it doesn't happen. It's best to have children in a committed relationship.

But obvs there's many reasons why these things happen. I'm the daughter of a single mother by choice & have no issues w that. She had a lot of support from my gran tho, who we lived with, so maybe not a single mother per se as she effectively had a second parent.

I don't think shame is appropriate as a blanket response for those things. If people are getting divorced & having children willy-nilly, that's bad, but life us obvs more complex than that.

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Ladamesansmerci · 08/09/2025 23:58

Why does anyone need shaming? As long as you are practising safe sex and everyone is consenting, it does not matter if you've slept with 1 person or 100.

I don't really get the what there is to agree or disagree with unless it's related to your religious beliefs.

Shaming anyone for casual sex punishes both men and women.

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 00:00

GarlicPint · 08/09/2025 23:54

pornsick boys thinking choking & anal is what most women want, women getting played and dumped on apps when they're looking for something lasting, misogynistic attitudes fuelled by online

This isn't a problem with promiscuity, @TheJoyOfWriting. It's a problem with porn culture.

I agree porn is a big part of it. But I've also read arguments that boys/men treat girls & women less well when they don't have to work hard to have sex. Don't really want to believe that, seems harsh opinion to have of boys, but I'm wondering.

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blackpooolrock · 09/09/2025 00:01

promiscous men sleep with woman. If men are sleeping with woman then woman are sleeping with men? so one is as bad as the other?

GarlicPint · 09/09/2025 00:01

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 08/09/2025 23:54

I found the opposite about sex. It made me angst ridden. I didn’t want to be a notch on a bedpost.

Well, okay. Nobody forced you to, did they? (if they did, that's a whole other thing.)

I didn't give a shit what a man 'thought of me', as long as we were on the same page regarding a happy, mutually enjoyable sexual encounter. They weren't worried about whether I'd respect them afterwards!

On the rare occasions when it turned out I'd chosen badly and a guy wasn't behaving well or was acting out a porn scene instead of being 'with' me, I just left. My prerogative, just as it was yours not to go there at all.

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 00:02

blackpooolrock · 09/09/2025 00:01

promiscous men sleep with woman. If men are sleeping with woman then woman are sleeping with men? so one is as bad as the other?

Yes but women get shamed a lot more.

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GarlicPint · 09/09/2025 00:04

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 00:00

I agree porn is a big part of it. But I've also read arguments that boys/men treat girls & women less well when they don't have to work hard to have sex. Don't really want to believe that, seems harsh opinion to have of boys, but I'm wondering.

That's bullshit. Sex isn't a bargaining chip. These attitudes stem from before we had hormonal contraception - they've been irrelevant for 60 years!

Many of us began long-term relationships with an immediate shag 😊

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 00:05

TheJoyOfWriting · 09/09/2025 00:00

I agree porn is a big part of it. But I've also read arguments that boys/men treat girls & women less well when they don't have to work hard to have sex. Don't really want to believe that, seems harsh opinion to have of boys, but I'm wondering.

So dating apps would also be an issue as they make casual sex & lying etc much easier.

There may be other factors. The underrated feminist social psychologist Marcia Guttentag argued that in societies w a lot more women than men, men didn't have to work hard to have sex so treated women worse. Sad conclusion if true... This would tie in w the dating app point. I'm not sure what sex ratios are at the moment.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marcia_Guttentag

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