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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think promiscuous men should be shamed more?

417 replies

TheJoyOfWriting · 08/09/2025 22:28

This, really. The whole body count discourse is the latest version of slut-shaming, as it's mostly aimed at women. Promiscuous men are still given status by other men and by women, too often.

The body count arguments that people use against women can be used against men just as easily. Promiscuous men are more likely to cheat. They are more likely to have STDs. They are more likely to have contributed to an 'oops' baby- it takes 2 to make one, and more likely to walk away after w no consequences.

Promiscuous men often dump women after pretending to be interested to get sex, esp on datjng apps, which fuel this kind of behaviour. Women tend to find ONSs less satisfying, often partly bc these kind of men often don't care about giving pleasure, just taking it.

The idea that a man's worth is measured by how many women he has sex with is very bad. It encourages men to treat women badly, and it fuels the incel culture by making men feel insecure & unmanly if they're not sexually successful.

Thoughts? I don't mean we should call Promiscuous men horrible names or talk about them like 'run through' or 'high mileage cars' the way some men do about promiscuous women. But I think they should be shamed more, by both men and women.

I don't think casual sex is bad per se, but I think the culture of it has got out of control, and Promiscuous men share a lot of the blame.

OP posts:
zaazaazoom · 08/09/2025 22:29

They are best ignored.

Titasaducksarse · 08/09/2025 22:30

I had some bloody fantastic one night stands. No one got pregnant, or an STD or murdered.
All good. My body count is probably considered high but I've never been slut shamed...it's called free willing sex!

TheJoyOfWriting · 08/09/2025 22:31

Titasaducksarse · 08/09/2025 22:30

I had some bloody fantastic one night stands. No one got pregnant, or an STD or murdered.
All good. My body count is probably considered high but I've never been slut shamed...it's called free willing sex!

Edited

Ha, I didn't accuse promiscuous men of murdering people, maybe I should add that one! 🤣

Seriously tho, I think ONS murder is luckily fairly rare. Assault probs not so much..need to check

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brunettemic · 08/09/2025 22:34

I suppose the obvious question is why should anyone be shamed for it? If it’s not right to shame women, then why is it right to shame men? Is having a lot of partners a shameful thing?

I’ve had some great sex on a couple of one night stands, granted I had a couple that weren’t the best. Overall I’d rather have the sex I have now with DH but I’m not ashamed of my sexual history.

smallpinecone · 08/09/2025 22:34

Shame men, shame women, shame everyone…. 😴

Who cares? How other adults choose to govern their affairs is up to them. It’s no one else’s business.

gruebleen · 08/09/2025 22:34

I haven't really seen the discourse you're talking about, but why not focus on the actual problematic behaviour rather than some correlated factor?

If getting a woman pregnant and then disappearing is a bad thing (I agree), then shame men for that, not for the fact that they've had a lot of sex and therefore it's statistically more likely that they might have done it.

ComtesseDeSpair · 08/09/2025 22:35

Nobody of either sex should be made to feel shame about the number of sexual partners they’ve had. Men who think badly of women, or treat their sexual partners badly, will generally do so regardless of the number of sexual partners they’ve had: how many MN threads have you seen from women who’ve been married to the same man for years, who treats and speaks to them terribly?

WrylyAmused · 08/09/2025 22:38

You're conflating two things.

People (men and women) can be promiscuous but also respectful, honest, decent & straightforward.
No one speaks about the people who simply say "I enjoy sex, I find you attractive, would you like to explore/play with me?" And these ones are much more likely to share good sex with a partner, even in a ONS, because they're intrinsically more honest about what they want and what they're offering, intrinsically enjoy the activity of sex for the mutually pleasurable give and take that it is, and seek partners who give enthusiastic informed consent to that.

The problem is the people who are lying/deceiving to get laid, telling people what they want to hear, have misogynist or misandrist or just plain offensive views, treat people badly and use other people to get their own needs met, without caring at all about those other people.

So no, don't shame promiscuous people at all. If you must, shame people who are inconsiderate, selfish, dishonest users, cos they're the ones who're the problem. But frankly, I don't believe that shaming anyone leads to anything productive.

TheJoyOfWriting · 08/09/2025 22:39

ComtesseDeSpair · 08/09/2025 22:35

Nobody of either sex should be made to feel shame about the number of sexual partners they’ve had. Men who think badly of women, or treat their sexual partners badly, will generally do so regardless of the number of sexual partners they’ve had: how many MN threads have you seen from women who’ve been married to the same man for years, who treats and speaks to them terribly?

Edited

Many thoughts, will reply soon.

On that, I'll say I def agree that plenty of non-promiscuous men treat their wives badly, sadly.

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BlueJuniper94 · 08/09/2025 22:39

I don't think anyone should be applauded for having sex outside of marraige

Titasaducksarse · 08/09/2025 22:42

BlueJuniper94 · 08/09/2025 22:39

I don't think anyone should be applauded for having sex outside of marraige

Why?

steff13 · 08/09/2025 22:43

Why should anyone be shamed for the number of sexual partners they've had?

PollyBell · 08/09/2025 22:45

Well unless they doing it with themselves then it is with the women (if we are not speaking of same sex) who choose to sleep with these men in the first place, so maybe get to know someone a while before jumping it to bed with them?

HidingFromDD · 08/09/2025 22:46

I don’t think anyone should be shamed for having honest consensual sex when they want it so yabu. It’s not that men should be shamed, it’s the double standard which is the problem.

there is a growing issue with ‘manipulative’ sex, where anyone (but men primarily) provide a false picture purely to get sex.

Lavender14 · 08/09/2025 22:49

steff13 · 08/09/2025 22:43

Why should anyone be shamed for the number of sexual partners they've had?

If they're having consensual, non adulterous, safe sex and are on top of their sexual health and are responsible for any children they procreate then noone should be shamed for having sex. It's noone else's business.

Shaming anyone for sex is a race to the bottom unless they're behaving badly in which case they are the issue, not the sex they are having. So you're mixing up two issues.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 08/09/2025 22:50

Promiscuous people are more tolerant of other promiscuous people. Likewise people who do not sleep around are more inclined to shame those who do. I don't see in my experience much of a difference between men and women in this regard. The whole 'men are admired for it women are criticised for it' doesn't really hold true for me.

TheJoyOfWriting · 08/09/2025 22:55

Dontlletmedownbruce · 08/09/2025 22:50

Promiscuous people are more tolerant of other promiscuous people. Likewise people who do not sleep around are more inclined to shame those who do. I don't see in my experience much of a difference between men and women in this regard. The whole 'men are admired for it women are criticised for it' doesn't really hold true for me.

I think I remember someone of your username who said they were male? May I ask if you're a man?

If so, would you say that non-promiscuous men shame promiscuous ones, but that men are more likely to be promiscuous than women are, so they receive more shaming from their own gender?

Also, do you think it's only non-promiscuous, not promiscuous, men who shame promiscuous women?

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OrangeSmoke · 08/09/2025 22:55

I can't think of a single issue society faces that is going to be resolved or even improved by shaming anyone. Childish, bullying behaviour.

I also think you underestimate how many women are happy to have casual sex. I suspect in most cases women are willing participants who have their eyes fully open to the fact it's just a ONS. Of course manipulation sometimes happens but I'd wager the vast majority of casual sexual encounters are recognised as such by both parties, and I think it's a bit patronising to women to suggest we're all being hoodwinked.

Throneofgame · 08/09/2025 23:00

No one should be shamed for engaging in consensual safe sex when they are single. If a man or a woman wants to do that, they should be able to do so without judgment.

TheJoyOfWriting · 08/09/2025 23:03

OrangeSmoke · 08/09/2025 22:55

I can't think of a single issue society faces that is going to be resolved or even improved by shaming anyone. Childish, bullying behaviour.

I also think you underestimate how many women are happy to have casual sex. I suspect in most cases women are willing participants who have their eyes fully open to the fact it's just a ONS. Of course manipulation sometimes happens but I'd wager the vast majority of casual sexual encounters are recognised as such by both parties, and I think it's a bit patronising to women to suggest we're all being hoodwinked.

I'm not sure about that. I actually have a libido that's higher than what women usually have. I don't have casual sex bc I don't agree w it but I can understand why people do.

I know some women are fine w them. I just don't think it's that many.

A lot of surveys etc seem to suggest women are much less likely to want casual sex. Are they wrong? I will research later.

BTW I should say I'm Gen Z. This body count discourse is part of the new online misogyny wave, luckily most people here have probs heard less of this, tho ofc slut shaming has been going on since Biblical times or before!

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RubySquid · 08/09/2025 23:04

OrangeSmoke · 08/09/2025 22:55

I can't think of a single issue society faces that is going to be resolved or even improved by shaming anyone. Childish, bullying behaviour.

I also think you underestimate how many women are happy to have casual sex. I suspect in most cases women are willing participants who have their eyes fully open to the fact it's just a ONS. Of course manipulation sometimes happens but I'd wager the vast majority of casual sexual encounters are recognised as such by both parties, and I think it's a bit patronising to women to suggest we're all being hoodwinked.

Yeah . Maybe some of us women just want a shag with a guy they find attractive. Don't see how it's anyone else's business tbh

PennySweeet · 08/09/2025 23:05

No I don't think anyone should be shamed for their sex life as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else.

If you don't agree with women being shamed, then you shouldn't want men to be shamed either.

It's no-one else's business anyway.

Valmaine · 08/09/2025 23:12

People (men and women) can be promiscuous but also respectful, honest, decent & straightforward

This, fairly obviously.

Edited to add, so of course no one should be 'shamed' for it.

TheJoyOfWriting · 08/09/2025 23:12

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

TheJoyOfWriting · 08/09/2025 23:13

RubySquid · 08/09/2025 23:04

Yeah . Maybe some of us women just want a shag with a guy they find attractive. Don't see how it's anyone else's business tbh

I know some women do, just that stats indicate most women are much less keen in casual sex than men are.

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