Strange interaction at work and no one else sees the issue?

[Teachnomore]

This happened today and I need to share. I manage a team of 12 and don’t work Friday’s. I came in today to an email from my senior/deputy about something which happened between two colleagues on Friday - without getting into details, there was an argument in front of the team and it was unprofessional.

I booked time in with each individual separately today to discuss what happened.

When I walked into the meeting room with one of the colleagues (male), he rushed up to the table, pretended to bend over and said let’s get this over with. Then stopped, pretended to take his belt off and laughed hysterically. I just told him to sit down and he said he thought what he suggested would be a quicker punishment, again laughing.

Now, am I being a bit of a killjoy here or is that really inappropriate? I told my manager what happened, who basically shrugged his shoulders and said that is just what that colleague is like. My DP found it hilarious when I told him and thinks I’ve had a sense of humour failure..

I just found it awkward and a bit rude given the circumstances.

Wow. The mind boggles. The boss joined in with a game of cricket! (Why wouldn't he?) Bit of a leap from that to making a member of staff feel very uncomfortable with an offensive, inappropriate "joke".

OP, where I used to work, HR actually brought in a new policy and we had training on it. It stated that staff must be acutely aware of how they speak to others in the workplace as what one person might think a joke, another might not, and would be fully within their rights to report it to HR

Since last year employers have a legal duty to take reasonable steps to prevent sexual harassment (which this definitely qualifies as). Your manager is almost as inappropriate as this man in his reaction - he is directly putting your company at risk by laughing off this man's behaviour. Your 'D'P's views are irrelevant.

I understand you were too taken aback at the time to address this, however I think it is important for you as a manager to show leadership now and insist on this matter being addressed. For the sake of your (female) colleagues: this was difficult enough for you to deal with as his manager, imagine what it would be like to deal with this man as his colleague or, worse still, direct report?

So I agree you should definitely discuss this with HR and ensure you scrutinise his behaviour during the recent incident. He would undoubtedly be facing formal disciplinary action for this where I work, as a reasonable step to prevent harassment.

...along with the handful of "OOOoohhh can't take a joke, OP? I LOVED being spoken to like that when I was in the workplace, couldn't get enough of the misogynistic bantz, me, " etc. comments.

Having seen decades of this stuff, and the effect it can have, I long ago decided that any posters spouting this nonsense are no friend of women.

I dont think this is humour at all - its a power play dressed up as a joke. He is signalling his disrespect for the process and his manager really clearly, but if challenged will inevitably claim it was just a joke and some people dont have a sense of humour.

I hope there are consequences of this.

He should have been more professional yes, but this actually made me laugh a little bit. I expect he was trying to lighten the mood before a serious discussion. I don't see anything sexual here. But he needs to respect your authority.

Op, your colleague's name isn't Gregg Wallace, is it?

That is very inappropriate, I hope you gave him a formal warning about that behaviour today.

Presumably to apply it to his arse as a punishment. In fact he was trying to humiliate and undermine the OP. Hopefully if HR have any shred of self-respect they will show him the door!

If your manager says 'oh that's just the way he is', you could say

'Oh right, ok, so he's done that to you before?'

Not cheeky to ask if he thinks it's ok behaviour

I told my manager what happened, who basically shrugged his shoulders and said that is just what that colleague is like

Which is exactly why this needs to go to HR, formally.

1. because it is incredibly inappropriate in itself
2. because it clearly isn't out of the ordinary for him
3. because the colleague he was originally arguing with last week needs to be supported and
4. because YOUR MANAGER seems to think this is an okay way to behave, not just in the workplace generally, but in a meeting he was at to discuss an altercation that he had already been involved in.

What happened today @Teachnomore ?

That was the point I was making, they’re male so more likely to excuse the behaviour than if she’d spoken with a female who would have said it was inappropriate

You’re right, he may speak with a male manager like that however in my experience of over 20 years in the workplace, men treat and speak to women differently than they do other men in the workplace

Yes they dont sound male they are male.

There are usually differences but there are also the sort who use bizarre or OTT jokes with both sexes.

This. I would make it clear you tried to fact find and de escalate the conflict but colleague has shown himself unable to cooperate and showed further inappropriate behaviour.

We’ve also lost sight of the other person involved in the original dispute that started this whole process off. What’s happened to her?

It's quite possible to have banter, light hearted fooling around, laughs with colleagues and bosses, without veering into inappropriate sexualised or sexist/misogynistic territory.

And without it being appropriate in a disciplinary interview.

This

If he’s inappropriate to his manager he’s probably even more inappropriate to female staff who aren’t senior to him.

Go read up on the difference between sexual harassment and harassment relating to sex and come back to me.

He only did this because she is a female. There’s no way he’d have done this if it was a male boss.

Yes. I would LOVE to hear about the dispute that prompted the disciplinary.

He’d never have done it to a man because it could have been taken as an invitation to fuck him.

I would also argue it is sexual harassment.
As far as I know adults only spank each other on the bum for sexual reasons.

If there was an incident between 2 colleagues in work and you got an email from your senior and this guy was one of them. Chances are there is an issue with this guy and it's not only you!

I’d love to know if he was harassing the other team member and she lost her cool.

So, what have HR said @Teachnomore ?