Strange interaction at work and no one else sees the issue?

[Teachnomore]

This happened today and I need to share. I manage a team of 12 and don’t work Friday’s. I came in today to an email from my senior/deputy about something which happened between two colleagues on Friday - without getting into details, there was an argument in front of the team and it was unprofessional.

I booked time in with each individual separately today to discuss what happened.

When I walked into the meeting room with one of the colleagues (male), he rushed up to the table, pretended to bend over and said let’s get this over with. Then stopped, pretended to take his belt off and laughed hysterically. I just told him to sit down and he said he thought what he suggested would be a quicker punishment, again laughing.

Now, am I being a bit of a killjoy here or is that really inappropriate? I told my manager what happened, who basically shrugged his shoulders and said that is just what that colleague is like. My DP found it hilarious when I told him and thinks I’ve had a sense of humour failure..

I just found it awkward and a bit rude given the circumstances.

I imagine you were shocked OP and didn’t respond as you might have if you’d been planning for this behaviou. Hes well out of order with the suggestion of kinky sexual play . I don’t know what you can do now except talk to a more senior colleague or union rep who might support you in giving a warning that this way of treating a manager in a serious situation won’t be tolerated.

Grim. Really really grim. Your boss and DP too.

I’d go to HR.

Highly inappropriate. I hate all this ‘oh that’s just what’s he’s like’ rubbish. He needs to be pulled up on it fully. He absolutely would not have behaved like this to a man.

senior managers want an easy life i have found

I though this as well.

He knows what he is doing. Disrespectful and thinks he is untouchable. Disciplinary action

Fucking hell. He needs dealing with. He sounds like a very toxic person, possibly a psychopath. Tread carefully and make sure all your dealings with him are witnessed, with a proper paper trail and followed up by email. I wouldn’t be alone in a room with him again. Ideally he will be moved out of the business over time. Why are you doubling whether it was inappropriate behaviour?

That sounds like it came from someone with weak management skills who struggled to earn respect.

Not aimed at you OP...more around the comments given here...

It's 2025. This is sexual misconduct and needs to be dealt with...not only for the blatant demonstration of it being completely unacceptable as an incident that has impacted you, but in terms of the wider implications of his attitude (risk to business in terms of unprofessional behaviour with colleagues and customers, lack of respect towards authority, how his lack of understanding of what is acceptable could extend to other things etc etc).

It does sound like you need some advice from HR and that is absolutely the right place to go, but the suggestion that they will deal with it for you is also outdated in 2025...HR aren't the police and won't likely manage this on your behalf. It'll be your job as manager to deal with it...that is literally a responsibility of a manager. Mumsnet never gives out good HR advice! Don't doubt yourself...have the confidence to take this seriously, read your organisation's policies and seek any advice you need, and it'll be a good learning experience for you.

Hugely inappropriate, but can you imagine coming into a meeting with your manager about your inappropriate behaviour and asking her to smack your bottom? That’s basically what happened. This is an HR issue. I’m gonna guess this isn’t the first time he’s done stuff like this.

His behaviour is awful, but I’m not sure it’s sex harassment as it doesn’t relate to sex. It could be sexual harassment if it’s reasonably perceived that way - and that isn’t just an act of daft laddish banter, it’s potentially gross misconduct, which has to be taken seriously as there is now a duty on employers to anticipate and prevent sexual harassment, and to take firm action when it does occur.

It also shows a pattern of behaviour - misconduct by arguing, unprofessionalism, and responding to a semi formal meeting by trying to shift the power balance and create an intimidating/humiliating environment.

I would say it warrants a disciplinary - or at the very least, a firm chat pointing out that his behaviour is unacceptable. Otherwise he will think it’s acceptable and you’ll end up with a repeat…

I’d say he knew he was in the wrong and was trying to deflect with (bad) humour. I’d report to hr.

Haven't rtft

Some guesses:
-This delight of a man drove the initial incident...

• His altercation was with a woman
• the initial incident was something to do with her not putting up with his misogynist bullshit.
• he's either been at the company 10 mins (cant read the culture) or 10 years (thinks he's boss of everything sue to tenure and "knowing where the bodies are buried")

I would escalate this and have it investigated as two separate incidents, it shows a pattern of behaviour/ inability to behave professionally

Depending on your HR I'd also be highly inclined to report your line manager for HIS bullshit "thats just what he's like" response to your initial flag.

Id also be looking to manage him out either via HR or via "starvation" (no pay rise no promotion no praise)

sounds potentially like a candidate for firing on the basis of gross misconduct

Bloke trying to play jack the lad with his female boss. Naughty boy syndrome. Poker face and 'please sit down' is enough.

With that level of confidence and humor I'd say yes he would be like that with a male manager.

Very strange. Also strange that your boss and DP think this is fine. I wonder how funny/acceptable they would have found it had you laughed and played along with his stupid ‘joke?’ Or if you had initiated that ‘joke’ yourself? So funny. Not.

At best it was a poorly judged attempt to lighten the mood. At worst it was a deliberate tactic to put you on edge and influence the power balance during the meeting.

To give him 'a belt', to use the belt on his arse like a naughty school boy of days gone by.

I agree with pp that you can be friendly but they are not your friends. The minute something goes wrong they are your manager and vice versa. It’s better to keep everything professional. Also can cause issues and weird dynamics with other staff if boss is overly pally. I’ve only ever become properly friends with someone when they were no longer my manager.

No idea if this is the case here. Very unprofessional behaviour from him, especially when you were presumably speak to him about being unprofessional. If you have a good hr dept I would ask for some advice.

OF COURSE HE FUCKING HAS

How do they do it??? How are they such creepy sexist twats, put it out there in plain sight, and get away with it for years?

Oh I would take that as far as I could in a right pedantic fashion. Misogynistic weirdo. Completely inappropriate. Undermining your authority and minimising his own behaviour.

Quite

Log with HR immediately. Even if it doesn't go anywhere, its on record. He's completely minimising the situation

I manage a team of ten. Mainly men. If one of them said that to me I would log it with HR and read them the riot act.

Your DPs comment is worrying though. Does he usually minimise this kind of behaviour?

Yeah I'm quite pleased this poster is no longer in the workplace... I'm so tired of this type of shit.

Totally an example of not needing to bring your authentic self to work. I don't want to know about some guys underlying sado masochistic tendancies or thoughts and feels- and certainly wouldn't appreciate him playing them out on me.