Strange interaction at work and no one else sees the issue?

[Teachnomore]

This happened today and I need to share. I manage a team of 12 and don’t work Friday’s. I came in today to an email from my senior/deputy about something which happened between two colleagues on Friday - without getting into details, there was an argument in front of the team and it was unprofessional.

I booked time in with each individual separately today to discuss what happened.

When I walked into the meeting room with one of the colleagues (male), he rushed up to the table, pretended to bend over and said let’s get this over with. Then stopped, pretended to take his belt off and laughed hysterically. I just told him to sit down and he said he thought what he suggested would be a quicker punishment, again laughing.

Now, am I being a bit of a killjoy here or is that really inappropriate? I told my manager what happened, who basically shrugged his shoulders and said that is just what that colleague is like. My DP found it hilarious when I told him and thinks I’ve had a sense of humour failure..

I just found it awkward and a bit rude given the circumstances.

Wildly, wildly inappropriate and I worry that your husband’s ’humour’ has made you lose sight of that.

in the moment, I would have told him it was unacceptable, cancelled the meeting and told him he would be meeting with me and HR instead.

Now you need to follow up with HR, and I’d probably do a mini investigation into the fight as he has demonstrated to you he does not know how to conduct him in the workplace.

Well suddenly I have insight into why Friday was unprofessional

Id take this to HR.

"Just what hes like" is usually code for disrespectful and inappropriate c*nt but youll get used to him. Don't get used to him.

Its inappropriate, its unprofessional, its potentially intimidating. Disgusting response to a potential grievance issue at work

Absolutely knew from reading your OP the other person involved was a woman.

Hes a bully, and a creep. Call HR, I feel this escalation of behaviour is a disciplinary issue

He's been there 12 years longer than anyone in OP's team including her, so he's definitely in the "I'm untouchable" camp.

It was a serious situation. There had been an unprofessional incident. Context is also very important but you seem unable to grasp that.

I would take it as a joke and suggest you lighten up, but clearly the workplace is no place for fun

This. It's so unprofessional and gross.

Perhaps sadder still that other men think this is not only acceptable but hilarious. Time to get serious, OP.

Wow

Massively inappropriate

Extraordinary behaviour - unprofessional and vulgar. He obviously has no respect for you as his manager and thinks that he's been there long enough that no one will do anything about him.

Time for a serious chat with HR!

Hugely inappropriate & disrespectful and misogynistic. Also shows where the problem lies re the argument.

That would be a very poor and incompetent management decision on your part then.
Not only would you be colluding with your direct reports attempts to divert you from your task of managing him, and professionally addressing the issue with the other colleague (how impartial do you look to that party giggling away with him instead of doing the job you're paid for?) But you would also be allowing behaviour that contravenes legislation regarding sexual harassment in the workplace. If this man goes away and behaves in the same way to a colleague who objects, as the manager you encouraging a culture where its acceptable makes you culpable. The duty now being preventative not responsive.
As a manager you cannot allow your decisions to be driven by your personal desire to be seen by men as 'a laugh' you have a wider responsibility that goes with the salary.

I'm pretty laid back at work but would find this deeply inappropriate given the circumstances.

I wouldn't involve HR if this is a "first offence" but I would talk to the person. You're his manager!

This. I am in my 70's, part of the "Women's Lib" generation. I would say that at some points, most (all) of us had to put up with such misogynistic nonsense but personally I didn't know anyone who thought it was funny or acceptable apart from the odd "giggle a lot and marry the boss" type. I would be taking this to HR for advice but also I think its a time to show mettle as a manager and not present oneself as a victim (not that the OP did) but as a manager with standards who is prepared to enforce them. I think the Op's manager needs to get his act together before someone takes the company to court. What does shock me is the response of the OP's partner. As they say on MN, "well he has shown who he is"

not a first offence, the OP's manager has said "that's what he is like"

I'd be putting in a complaint about his behaviour, it's disgusting.

It may not be recognisable to you OP but it's a power play. Now he feels he's 'won'. Sort it out or you'll be sorry.

He sounds like an absolute dickhead with no respect for his female colleagues.

He's caused a problem for the female colleague with whom he had the original argument, he's caused a problem for you as his manager, and I'm sure he's done a lot of other stuff you don't know about.

Your own manager's response isn't good enough. If that's just "what he's like" then why does he still have a job? He needs to behave appropriately in the workplace.

Do you have an HR department?

"Darren, I have had to call you into a meeting to discuss unprofessional behaviour, and your way of dealing with that is to engage in more unprofessional behaviour. Do you understand why this is a problem?"

Then sack him

I didn't make it about age. The pick me's did. They said that gone were the days when people would make light of this.

I agree with you.

I was referring to posts like this by @YourLemonTiger

I too would have laughed it off as a harmless joke because imo it is a bit funny. I used to work in an IT team and the jokes, inappropriate by todays standards, eg about dongles etc were common from men and women.
I do have quite a puerile sense of humour though 😁
Maybe its a generational thing. I'm in my mid 50s and grew up on a diet of innuendo and euphemism?
I'm not saying people are wrong to be appalled by his behaviour btw, but reporting him for some sort of shicking offence does seem excessive.

Was the manager who dismissed this behaviour also a man? I think you need to report your manager also.

it would be lovely if it worked like that. Sadly the process is a bit longer.

I love a bit of inappropriate workplace banter and innuendo, but this WAY oversteps that.

This was a physical, sexualised act.

Incredibly unprofessional from him! Doesn't matter if "that's what he's like" - you're his manager and that would be a written warning.

It's not "a generational thing". I'm early 60's and I grew up in the time of Benny Hill and the Black and White Minstrels. We now know that things that were acceptable when we were young are absolutely not now (they actually weren't then either!). We know better and anyone still excusing this type of behaviour as "banter" or "just a joke" needs to grow up. Only dullards don't learn and grow throughout their lifetime.