To tell my high school bully to jog on?!

[whattheheckkk]

Name changed for this one. Really random.

In high school (over 15 years ago) I was subjected to the most atrocious bullying by the same girl. I was pretty well liked overall, never really had a problem with anyone. I wasn't popular, had a little quiet friendship group.
Except this one girl. I did nothing to her, but when we were about 12 she decided she hated me, and she made my life hell. She was racist towards me, she called me fat, she poured a can of Coke into my school bag during PE. She put chewing gum in my hair. She spat on my lunch whilst I was eating it. She stole my blazer and trashed it. Told me to kill myself. She even flicked boiling hot metal from a soldering onto my hands during electronics class. Much more but you get the jist. She had a little possy of friends who all laughed.

My friends always told me to ignore her, but we were all kind of too quiet to say anything to her- she was scary tbh. I never let on to anyone, but she gave me the worst anxiety. I would rush to the toilet to vomit if she looked at me a certain way in the hallways. I'd cry myself to sleep about it. She never had a reason to hate me. I never told my parents or teachers. I don't know why, I don't really have an answer to that.

Anyway. Fast forward. She messaged me 3 days ago. Saying something along the lines of:

Hi. I know this is a really strange thing to do and I know you probably never wanted to hear from me again. But then went on to explain that she'd had a child a number of years ago and physically cannot get past the way she treated me. How she looks at her child and feels sick because of how scared and upset I must have been of her etc.. and she's terrified of someone treating her child the same way.

She then proceeded to tell me she had been in a really bad depressive pit and has sought professional therapy, where the topic of me came up. Her therapist told her reaching out to me may be a way to close a door. Which I get, kind of- but holy fucking shit- she literally nearly killed me as a teen.

There was a lot more to the message, she gave reasons for the way she treated me( bad home life apparently, which I do sympathise with) but then went on to say that of course it was no excuse. She couldn't make me forgive her and I didn't have to but it would 'help her close a chapter' 🙃 if I did. I haven't replied. To be honest I've been spiralling a bit since the message. I don't know why, I'm a grown woman, married, my own house and career, my own children.

I did speak to my sister (who knew of the abuse as I'd told her years later). She basically told me not to reply and that she could bugger off. Part of me feels sorry for her, but I'm a huge empath. Anyway. This is a massive muddle of a message. What would you do?

I would tell her I hope she never gets past it and she should feel guilty for the rest of her life because that's what she deserves.

She can fuck off and keep going.

She ruined a perfectly good apology with far, far too much explanation

And she isnt doing this because she feels bad about what she did to you, she feels bad about how its now impacting her! Full main character entitlement

Honestly for your own sake I think you need to forgive her inside yourself, because honestly not everyone who hurts you cares... so you shouldnt carry this pain, its heavy. Saying that she absolutely is not owed the knowledge that you forgave this and moved forward.

This has come up in therapy, where shes exploring herself and decided to do this not to give you the apology you deserve but to close the door she opened by being a monstrous bully.

Hard no from me.

But whatever you decide is best for you- no judgement.

Absolutely this ...
I would respond but not with forgiveness

I'd reply.

I know she's asking for forgiveness and that would no doubt be the icing on the cake but I expect that simply by writing it down and admitting it all is a massive play of self forgiveness on her part.

"I received your message. You can't possibly understand the pain, stress, and hurt you inflicted on me for years. While we were just kids, your actions were cruel and deliberate. The scared, miserable girl you tormented for your own amusement had to carry the physical and mental scars of your bullying for years. I sincerely hope your child never has to endure what I did. But let me be clear, your desire for closure is not my responsibility. I do not forgive you"

This is all about her and her needs. I’m shocked her therapist would suggest this. So do whatever serves you - forgive her so you can move on, block her, tell her to fuck off and stop being a selfish self absorbed twat. Personally I’d do the latter!

I would tell her (or my own childhood bully) that I couldn't ever forgive her, but that I pity her, and if she really wants to atone for her behaviour she should focus her energy on making sure her children never turn into the bully that she was, save them this conversation in later life, and break the cycle.

See, if she had written all of that without asking you to help her close a chapter, then I would have some respect for her. Sending you the apology and being accountable could have been a positive and powerful thing for you. But its STILL all about her isn’t it? Shes apologising not because she is genuinely gutted about what she did, but because she seems to feel that getting your forgiveness will give HER peace (and maybe she even thinks that it will protect her child? Like some sort of Karmic voodoo.) Its weird…and self centred. Fuck that.

Lots of people have difficult and awful childhoods. And they don't turn into nasty bullies I despise bullies, they can drive children to suicide. I would reply and say "fuck off" then block.

Even better this ....

I find it really hard to believe her “therapist” suggested she reach out to you. I have been seeing my therapist for years, and although I was never a bully I can’t imagine her ever telling me to actively pursue someone from my past like this.

I would probably not reply, if I did though, I'd be tempted to point out that whether I forgave her or not has no actual impact on whether he child gets bullied.

Her child is as likely to be bullied as anyone else's.

Maybe it's time for her to face reality, just as you had to as a child.

I'd ignore.

It really fucks me off how people use a crap home life as a reason or excuse or justification for bullying.

My childhood was excessively abusive. I managed to never bully anyone. Not even to be unkind.

Might help to chat about how you are feeling and get it processed. This is all about her feeling better. Nor saying sorry to you. IMO.

I wouldn't give my bullies the time of day now - and I wasn't subjected to anything like that.
You are under no obligation to reply, even with a 'No'. Delete, block and move on.
She's taken up too much of your headspace already. It isn't your job to help her 'move on'. That is for her therapist.

If she wanted to say sorry she would have said it “I am incredibly sorry for the bullying I put you through at school. There was no excuse for it, it was about me feeling superior and nothing to do with you. I hope you are keeping well.”

Its about her saying to herself that she did a good thing, rather than being actually sorry.

I absolutely sympathise with you. I was bullied at school, for no particular reason other than being quiet and studious. Of course the more I was bullied the worse my shyness became. It was a vicious circle. It took me many decades to build up my self-esteem and self-confidence - I still at 50, get the occasionally wobble. As an adult, I understand that the girls who bullied me, clearly were unhappy, had issues, rubbish home life etc. However, it doesn't take away the feelings I had at the time, or to be honest excuse their behaviour. Honestly, I'm with your sister on this one - don't reply back - bollocks to her! What she wants is for you to say 'Oh, it was a long time ago, no hard feelings' or 'Oh we were kids, and young, it doesn't matter'. You don't owe her a response, forgiveness or any empathy.

Hi Bully,

Go forth and multiply.

Depends on the therapist. If youre paying some can be unscurpulous, and let's face it. The messages OP describes suggest this woman was less looking for therapy and more an echo chamber of validation.

But regardless, the minute she clarified the motive was to make her feel better about herself, not apologising to her victim, she showed she is still the same.

Id let my silence speak.

Good reply, maybe adding that its her job now to make sure her child (or children) grow up and she teaches them to never do what she did to another living being.

“I received your message, and while I applaud you working on yourself, I need to be clear- your bullying was far from just a phase, it was cruel and had a profound impact on my life. You made my school years a nightmare. Your actions—spitting on my lunch, pouring Coke in my bag, and physically harming me—caused me severe anxiety and left lasting scars.

While I understand you want closure for yourself, this contact feels selfish. You’re reaching out to alleviate your guilt, but the pain you caused me is still very real. I hope you can reflect on how your actions affected me and strive to do better for your children.”

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's frightening to think a child would go through this and suffer alone. I hope you are very happy now x

Gosh, how awful! She sounds like she hasn’t changed much, asking you for closure so that she can feel better about herself!

I would reply and let her know exactly how she made you feel and the effect it’s had on you- and still having!

You sound like a lovely caring person with lots of empathy, but please don’t feel bad for her!

The fact that she’s apologised can never undo what happened, and you don’t owe her a response, or forgiveness, or anything. BUT…. she was a child with an undeveloped brain when she did it. And it’s possible she has genuinely learned from the experience.

I think I’d be be tempted with

‘I’m glad you messaged, because it gives me the chance to tell you to fuck off, something I should have done years ago when you were a vile bully. I hope your child never has to endure what you put me through, because you have no idea how you made me feel. It’s very telling that only now when it impacts you, do you want to contact me.
I hope you feel better for messaging me, but so we are very clear, I don’t forgive you, and I won’t ever forget how you made me feel’.

You don't have to forgive someone just because they ask you to. Forgiveness needs to be earned.

I think I'd reply "Yes you behaved terribly and no child, not just your own, should have to experience bullying. Hopefully, as an adult you have now learned to be a better person."