To tell my high school bully to jog on?!

[whattheheckkk]

Name changed for this one. Really random.

In high school (over 15 years ago) I was subjected to the most atrocious bullying by the same girl. I was pretty well liked overall, never really had a problem with anyone. I wasn't popular, had a little quiet friendship group.
Except this one girl. I did nothing to her, but when we were about 12 she decided she hated me, and she made my life hell. She was racist towards me, she called me fat, she poured a can of Coke into my school bag during PE. She put chewing gum in my hair. She spat on my lunch whilst I was eating it. She stole my blazer and trashed it. Told me to kill myself. She even flicked boiling hot metal from a soldering onto my hands during electronics class. Much more but you get the jist. She had a little possy of friends who all laughed.

My friends always told me to ignore her, but we were all kind of too quiet to say anything to her- she was scary tbh. I never let on to anyone, but she gave me the worst anxiety. I would rush to the toilet to vomit if she looked at me a certain way in the hallways. I'd cry myself to sleep about it. She never had a reason to hate me. I never told my parents or teachers. I don't know why, I don't really have an answer to that.

Anyway. Fast forward. She messaged me 3 days ago. Saying something along the lines of:

Hi. I know this is a really strange thing to do and I know you probably never wanted to hear from me again. But then went on to explain that she'd had a child a number of years ago and physically cannot get past the way she treated me. How she looks at her child and feels sick because of how scared and upset I must have been of her etc.. and she's terrified of someone treating her child the same way.

She then proceeded to tell me she had been in a really bad depressive pit and has sought professional therapy, where the topic of me came up. Her therapist told her reaching out to me may be a way to close a door. Which I get, kind of- but holy fucking shit- she literally nearly killed me as a teen.

There was a lot more to the message, she gave reasons for the way she treated me( bad home life apparently, which I do sympathise with) but then went on to say that of course it was no excuse. She couldn't make me forgive her and I didn't have to but it would 'help her close a chapter' 🙃 if I did. I haven't replied. To be honest I've been spiralling a bit since the message. I don't know why, I'm a grown woman, married, my own house and career, my own children.

I did speak to my sister (who knew of the abuse as I'd told her years later). She basically told me not to reply and that she could bugger off. Part of me feels sorry for her, but I'm a huge empath. Anyway. This is a massive muddle of a message. What would you do?

Either block or say, 'stay the fuck out of my inbox '

Or ignore. You owe her nothing at all.

There was a girl in school we were all terrified of, especially if she took against you. One of my friends saw her a few years ago, she said - sorry if I was ever mean to you, I don’t remember, I used to take a lot of drugs and my home life was horrible. I’m good now.
when my friend told us we were all genuinely pleased for the woman, probably because it wasn’t directed at individuals.

Send her a passive aggressive thumbs up.

This is a good reply. Because she should.know that however bad she feels she made your life living hell to the point as an adult a message from her has send you spiraling (understandably so). She deserves to feel awful about it.

I’d ignore her. It’s not your responsibility to fix her and really she has made this all about her . A sincere apology with no attachment or expectations would have been more impressive. Clearly she still lacks empathy.

I had a message from one of my bullies last year. It really shook me and brought back memories I'd rather have kept away. However, the message I received was a straight apology and said nothing about asking forgiveness. It really felt genuine. She sounded contrite and it meant something to me. She wasn't the worst of them, more the second in command, and I don't know how I would have reacted had it been the main girl. I sat on it for a couple of days and then replied saying that I had a lot of bad memories associated with that time but I appreciated her apology. I asked what had prompted the message and the reply made a lot of sense.

It sounds very different to your case where she made the 'apology' about her feelings. I would be tempted to point this out.

Would you also get some closure from it if you replied? If so do

And you're only an empath because you were abused. It's a necessary skill for survival as a kid, to read people and judge their mood.

No, I am never forgiving my bullies. Having a horrible home life is no reason to bully others. My home life was hell, the worst type of abuse. I then had to face school with the bullying. I am not a perfect person and experienced bullying in later life too. One of my bullies was part of an infamous WhatsApp group. Honestly I was tempted to call the press and tell them things she does not want public. However, she and the other bullies are not worth it. Your bully chose to be cruel to you and now wants forgiveness to make herself feel better. It is your decision, I would not respond. I refused to accept any of my bullies on my social media and would never speak to them by choice. I am sorry if this has reminded you of your difficult period.

Ignore. They can salve their own conscience. It’s such a cheap thing to do

I think you should take time to process and see how you feel. If you ignore the message, will you feel any better?

You don’t owe her anything, I think any response has to be what YOU want.

I agree with a PP that she didnt reach out to make the OP feel better, but to make herself feel better, that alone would be enough for a "noted" response.

You don’t owe her anything , don’t forgive her if you don’t feel you can.

However, I do feel that forgiveness is something that can really help someone who has been hurt. Not to help the person who has done it , but the person who has been hurt . If an apology is sincere , it can be closure - they recognise what they did and that it was wrong , your feelings are recognised. It could be a way to close the chapter.

I genuinely believe that there are always reasons behind the behaviours of children ( you were both children ) and by the sounds of it she has been through a lot. She has recognised that she hurt people and is trying to change that . She’s trying to make amends. Would you be happy to leave her suffering forever - and you aren’t bad if you say yes - or would it be empowering, after all she did and the control she had , that her happiness now rests with you ? If you accept her apology - you are showing her that you are the better person, you are a better human being , you could have ignored her but you’re better than that.

You do not have to forgive - you may feel unable to do that because it doesn’t change the suffering. But you could say to her that you cannot forgive , because it still hurts and it had such a negative impact on your life and because of what she did you do not have happy memories of school. But you could tell her that you recognise she has changed and is trying to make amends and you don’t want her life to be on hold because of what she did so whilst you cannot forgive her , you can accept her apology .

Ask her "And what's in it for me?"

im going to go aginst the grain here. I’m sorry you went through such a horrid time and well done for being so strong! Maybe this is a way for you to get closure too. Perhaps explain what she put you through and how you felt - she is obviously thinking about it and regretting it deeply and it has stayed with her too. Maybe if you did rise above it and try to accept her apology, it may help you move on too since you have spiraled and are obviously impacted by it. A closure message back perhaps - expect no reply just get your version out there and accept her pleas for forgievenrs. A lot of the time we are so focused on getting the upper hand, we do not heal and the vicious cycle continues. I for one did get bullied during school, and if someone did reach out I would use it as an opportunity to accept their apology but also tell them exactly what I went through.

With mushroom gravy.

It's a fuck off from me too, unless it would help you. Fuck off you horrid bastard? There's way too much enabling shitty behaviour

Exactly this.

If she had approached it differently then maybe, but she's clearly not sorry, she just wants you to help her ease her guilty conscience and why the bloody hell should you? (Awful advice from the therapist btw)

i would definitely reply though and @wendywoopywoo222 nailed it. Tell her how ridiculous it is for her to be asking you for help, then take the opportunity to get off your chest how she made you feel back then, and how she's made you feel now by retraumatising you.

Then tell her to fuck off and never contact you again.

I'd probably stick the knife in and say something about how it's her child she should be worried for, having such a monster for a mother, and that they're bound to grow up seeing the real her and end up terrified of her. Take the opportunity to fuck her head up as much as possible. But this would admittedly be the messy bitch thing to do and not good advice.

@whattheheckkk you owe her two words only!! first begins with F and second ends with F!!!! nothing else! she does not get forgiveness!

What the hell was she expecting?

For you to laugh it off or say that you forgive her and she could go off and never have a guilty thought again?!

Your silence is the best response.

I'm sorry about what happened to you. x

Absolutely this! I may actually be inclined to remember these words so if she happens to see you out and about if you still live near each other then you can tell her that then walk off!
sorry your anxiety is bad, I was bullied at work about 5-6 years ago and I’m still struggling

Exactly. She wants you to release her from her guilt.

Fuck that. I’d either delete and block, or respond that you’ll never forgiven her, then block.

You’re not responsible for making her feel better, and she can fuck off with her sob story.

hmmm I know its a part of the 12 step program to make amends to those they have hurt unless that would cause damage but even there, there is no mention of forgiveness or closure and I agree with others that its a very very strange thing for a therapist to suggest.......so strange that i wonder if she is not telling you the truth? she may indeed be wanting your forgiveness but its genuinely weird for a "proper" therapist to suggest that she should contact you.