To tell my high school bully to jog on?!

[whattheheckkk]

Name changed for this one. Really random.

In high school (over 15 years ago) I was subjected to the most atrocious bullying by the same girl. I was pretty well liked overall, never really had a problem with anyone. I wasn't popular, had a little quiet friendship group.
Except this one girl. I did nothing to her, but when we were about 12 she decided she hated me, and she made my life hell. She was racist towards me, she called me fat, she poured a can of Coke into my school bag during PE. She put chewing gum in my hair. She spat on my lunch whilst I was eating it. She stole my blazer and trashed it. Told me to kill myself. She even flicked boiling hot metal from a soldering onto my hands during electronics class. Much more but you get the jist. She had a little possy of friends who all laughed.

My friends always told me to ignore her, but we were all kind of too quiet to say anything to her- she was scary tbh. I never let on to anyone, but she gave me the worst anxiety. I would rush to the toilet to vomit if she looked at me a certain way in the hallways. I'd cry myself to sleep about it. She never had a reason to hate me. I never told my parents or teachers. I don't know why, I don't really have an answer to that.

Anyway. Fast forward. She messaged me 3 days ago. Saying something along the lines of:

Hi. I know this is a really strange thing to do and I know you probably never wanted to hear from me again. But then went on to explain that she'd had a child a number of years ago and physically cannot get past the way she treated me. How she looks at her child and feels sick because of how scared and upset I must have been of her etc.. and she's terrified of someone treating her child the same way.

She then proceeded to tell me she had been in a really bad depressive pit and has sought professional therapy, where the topic of me came up. Her therapist told her reaching out to me may be a way to close a door. Which I get, kind of- but holy fucking shit- she literally nearly killed me as a teen.

There was a lot more to the message, she gave reasons for the way she treated me( bad home life apparently, which I do sympathise with) but then went on to say that of course it was no excuse. She couldn't make me forgive her and I didn't have to but it would 'help her close a chapter' 🙃 if I did. I haven't replied. To be honest I've been spiralling a bit since the message. I don't know why, I'm a grown woman, married, my own house and career, my own children.

I did speak to my sister (who knew of the abuse as I'd told her years later). She basically told me not to reply and that she could bugger off. Part of me feels sorry for her, but I'm a huge empath. Anyway. This is a massive muddle of a message. What would you do?

OP, her next move was probably going to be to pitch her MLM to you, so IMO opinion, you did the right thing.

You've given this sadistic cow the truth bomb she deserved, you've avenged your teenage self, and you've saved yourself from weeks of having to politely reject "business opportunities" and shitty wax melts, all in one fell swoop.

POW! Well done <3

She sounds evil! Good for you. Love your response. She clearly thought you were still under her spell and would forgive her

It would be hugely forgiving of you & probably cathartic for her. Ultimately, the choice is yours. It sounds as if she made your life hell, and as someone who was bullied relentlessly by a lad (whom it turned out had a crush on me!) I empathise with your quandary, but as has already been noted, you owe her nothing.

Brava @whattheheckkk

I would have been one of those to advise that you ignore and block her. But your message is fantastic. You point out that her contacting you is still about making her feel better.

What a shallow person only thinking about how awful bullying is when it might affect her. Just awful.

People from my school keep contacting me to get me to come to a reunion. I want to answer, “Why would I want to spend time with a group of people who made my life miserable “ but instead I’m just ignoring them.

LOL love this.

Yep, probably an MLM pitch next. As if OP hasn't suffered enough at this woman's hands.

So glad she sent her packing.

I'm laughing at myself here.

I'm a retired teacher and I sometimes get friend requests from former pupils. Most are genuinely nice (now middle-aged) "kids" who just want to get in touch with their former teacher. I've had three, however, who were using FB as a marketing device for MLM - mainly candles and wax melts.

If you read the OP’s posts you’ll catch up.

A few years ago, I was teaching a class of Year 10s where one pretty butter-wouldn't-melt girl was (verbally) picking on three or four others and making them miserable. I was generally aware of this, but they said they didn't want to pursue it, so I left it. One day, they ganged up and turned on her. She went home in tears and told her parents, who phoned the school and raised merry hell that their little star was being bullied. I was summoned to the deputy head who gave me an earful about shamefully lax conditions in my classroom: I replied repeatedly that she'd had it coming and might - perhaps! - learn from her experience. The deputy was not best pleased but the bullies were! Little Miss Perfect was a lot less bother afterwards.

Unrelated entirely to the thread but MLMs are so awful.

I really hope they're made illegal one day.

OP your response was great. I’m so sorry you suffered at the hands of this bully. She just wanted to clear her conscience.

As someone who was also bullied through secondary school I’m another one who is cheering you on. Well done for having the courage for replying xxx

Blimey, do you get nose bleeds up there on that moral high ground? It must be a lonely place given the consensus of virtually every other person on this thread. But clearly you’re a better person than the rest of us, who are finding it harder to extend empathy and understanding to such a vicious cunt who - through nothing but self-interest - is asking her victim to excuse her monstrous behaviour.

If she was in any way remorseful, her message would have been long, grovelling and absolutely heartfelt. Instead it was all about her and how she feels. It wasn’t a genuine apology at all, it was a ‘poor me’.

OP, your response was perfect. I’m so so sorry for what you went through.

Fuck Gemma, and fuck all the Gemmas who inflict this kind of torture on others.

I take your point. They are nasty. Having said that, if I heard that my bully had got herself a little education and discovered a love of Gorecki, the novels of Muriel Spark and Post-Impressionist art, it wouldn't make me like or trust her any more. She'd still be that warped monster who made my life a misery just because she enjoyed it.

Yes this. If you do feel the need to reply that’s exactly what I would say.

Sorry had not read the full thread before posting. Apologies.

@whattheheckkk

I am sorry for everything you went through at school.

I would reply to her and tell her that you are not comfortable with her unsolicited message. While you are glad she is in therapy now she caused you a lot of hurt and pain and you would like to never ever hear from her again.

Therapy is not a blanket excuse for people to self soothe themselves with no accountability, no self reflection and no concern for the people they reach out unsolicited and unwanted.

I am glad that you sound like you have a happy life now.

You don't owe her anything. Only do what's best for you, otherwise the only person this helps is the bully!

The unkind tone of your post doesnt help matters

The only one who is being unkind is you by invalidating the op’s feelings as if having a used sanitary pad smeared all over your face/mouth/ hair or being burnt by molten metal is no big deal and trying to somehow gaslight op into thinking she’s being too harsh and should be nice and understanding to some psychopath who abused her.
I wonder if you would have still felt the same if it had happened to you?
I’m starting to think you’re either this Gemma yourself or you came on here just to try and make the op feel shit for your own gratification!
Nice to see others sticking up for the op against you!

Part of being truly repentant is accepting that the wronged party might not forgive you. No one owes you forgiveness for the harm you have caused to others.

I’m very glad you’ve found peace in letting it go. I’ve found my peace in putting it behind me and l chose not to face my bully when she cropped up in a professional setting, as l couldn’t be sure my feelings wouldn’t get in the way of treating her fairly. I suppose we all have our own ways of coping.

Wait, what?! You, as a teacher, were aware of bullying going on in your class and because the victims were too scared to do anything about it, you just let it happen!? No wonder there is so much bullying going on! This is shocking.

I hope you are no longer teaching.

I'm so proud of you and I don't even know you. I hope you and your children lead exceptionally happy lives from here onwards xx

All those saying op is being too harsh or should forgive… would you be saying this if the op was the victim of domestic violence and the exact same thing was happening to her then? No you’d be all screaming LTB! Not sure why bullies should be forgiven any more than a violent and abusive spouse or partner. What the op went through was abuse. Just because she wasn’t in a relationship with the bully doesn’t make it any less serious.

She was seriously fucked up and deserves to feel guilty. Well done OP.

I am so proud of your response.

@Tortielady is this why you chose your username?
Agree with your post btw.