To tell my high school bully to jog on?!

[whattheheckkk]

Name changed for this one. Really random.

In high school (over 15 years ago) I was subjected to the most atrocious bullying by the same girl. I was pretty well liked overall, never really had a problem with anyone. I wasn't popular, had a little quiet friendship group.
Except this one girl. I did nothing to her, but when we were about 12 she decided she hated me, and she made my life hell. She was racist towards me, she called me fat, she poured a can of Coke into my school bag during PE. She put chewing gum in my hair. She spat on my lunch whilst I was eating it. She stole my blazer and trashed it. Told me to kill myself. She even flicked boiling hot metal from a soldering onto my hands during electronics class. Much more but you get the jist. She had a little possy of friends who all laughed.

My friends always told me to ignore her, but we were all kind of too quiet to say anything to her- she was scary tbh. I never let on to anyone, but she gave me the worst anxiety. I would rush to the toilet to vomit if she looked at me a certain way in the hallways. I'd cry myself to sleep about it. She never had a reason to hate me. I never told my parents or teachers. I don't know why, I don't really have an answer to that.

Anyway. Fast forward. She messaged me 3 days ago. Saying something along the lines of:

Hi. I know this is a really strange thing to do and I know you probably never wanted to hear from me again. But then went on to explain that she'd had a child a number of years ago and physically cannot get past the way she treated me. How she looks at her child and feels sick because of how scared and upset I must have been of her etc.. and she's terrified of someone treating her child the same way.

She then proceeded to tell me she had been in a really bad depressive pit and has sought professional therapy, where the topic of me came up. Her therapist told her reaching out to me may be a way to close a door. Which I get, kind of- but holy fucking shit- she literally nearly killed me as a teen.

There was a lot more to the message, she gave reasons for the way she treated me( bad home life apparently, which I do sympathise with) but then went on to say that of course it was no excuse. She couldn't make me forgive her and I didn't have to but it would 'help her close a chapter' 🙃 if I did. I haven't replied. To be honest I've been spiralling a bit since the message. I don't know why, I'm a grown woman, married, my own house and career, my own children.

I did speak to my sister (who knew of the abuse as I'd told her years later). She basically told me not to reply and that she could bugger off. Part of me feels sorry for her, but I'm a huge empath. Anyway. This is a massive muddle of a message. What would you do?

Hell no! Ignore completely. She’s not sorry, she’s trying to minimise what she did so she can feel better about herself.

also what a shitty therapist she has, telling her to get in touch with you as the victim, bringing up all these memories essentially just to make herself feel better!!

You owe her nothing and I think in this situation you do what YOU need to do.

I can accept that she was a child when she did what she did and that obviously she's done some serious work on herself which is positive and good that she's been accountable in that respect, but the impact on you as the victim is what matters ultimately so I would only respond if it will bring YOU closure. I wouldn't think of it as withholding forgiveness or similar in a "punishing" her kind of way, but focus on yourself and what you need out of this interaction. Obviously it's going to have brought up a lot of past trauma for you, not only did she treat you horrendously but also the adults around you really failed you by not noticing and intervening. So take your time. You don't need to respond right now (or ever) so allow yourself some grace to just sit with this and not do anything until it feels right to do something.

In the meantime, plenty of self care, and perhaps consider counselling if you think it might be helpful given you never really got speaking to someone to get the right support at the time. You deserve good things, you deserve to set boundaries that are respected and you deserve to put your own needs first. She is completely secondary in all of this.

I wouldn’t write anything - I wouldn’t replay at all - silence is golden

how has she got your current details to message you - just out of interest?

All this reaching out to people you have wronged is so self absorbed and I am always shocked therapists encourage this. My tutor (psychotherapy) was absolutely against this.

it’s fine her to deal with her guilt not your and do not let her manipulate you into turning round the pain she has caused

I ignite or if you feel you must reply ask her to not contact you again

You can acknowledge her feelings on the matter without forgiving. You don’t have to forgive her but you can recognise for appreciating the impact of her abuse these years later. She behaved despicably as a child/teen, she has recognised that and feels awful, so she’s not an evil person, she did evil things. She wants to right wrongs which in my mind should be commended, but you are under no obligation to ‘do her a favour’ and forgive her. A simple, ‘you damaged me more than you’ll ever know so I can’t gloss over it with simple forgiveness, but you’ve done a good thing in reaching out’. Ultimately, if you continue the pain, what will that achieve? What will that teach? If you can reinforce her recent view that even attempting to make amends and acknowledge wrongs is a good thing and something to teach her children, surely that is a good thing.

I would not reply.
This person has used up more than enough of your headspace over the years and doesn’t deserve a second more. I see this very much as another selfish act, and it’s only prompted by her fear for her child, no real apology for you.
Her therapist should not be instructing her to pursue others she has effectively abused in the past. It is uncalled for and selfish.
I hope you can recover from this swiftly and don’t let this derail you.

My mother made a similarly shite apology as part of her AA 12 steps. All I could do was laugh at her. I think getting to the "ha ha lol" stage of dealing with stuff like this is great progress.

Don’t give her the satisfaction of engaging with her. GOD the ARROGANCE of thinking she can just stroll in and retraumatise you shows she has not changed one bit. Fuck her.

“I’m glad you feel bad - you should do you absolute cunt”

I wouldn’t forgive - in fact I said something really unpleasant when I saw my school bully out and about. Won’t say what it was as MN in very ‘be kind’. So I’d be tempted to really let her have it - she can take that to her therapist!

Against the grain here, I would invite her round for a beef Wellington.

^ this.

Reminds me of the shit pie from The Help. 😂

Her asking for forgiveness is to make herself feel better. I was horribly bullied too, and I absolutely would NOT give her the satisfaction! Maybe the pain and shame she feels will give her a taste of what you went through.

(as you can tell, this has touched a nerve!)

I’m normally of the view of being a bigger person and ignoring - but absolutely not here.

I’d reply and let her know you’re glad she feels such remorse and feels badly about what she did, as it was atrocious and ruined your school years that youll never get back. And you hope her child or no other child ever has to suffer in the way she made you suffer, and she could never make it up to you.

Because she should feel bad. And you have no need to make her feel any better. If you don’t forgive her, then tell her that. She doesn’t get to message you with an apology and then move on as thought that’s all it took.

So to make her feel better she wants you to forgive her?! Hell no. If she'd apologised and expected nothing, I might say something along the lines of 'Its good that you've been reflecting on your behaviour'or something. But apologising and asking you to forgive her and giving the guilt spiel of being able to close a chapter etc etc, nah she can go to hell.
Its still all about her and her needs/wants. She hasnt learnt a thing

That last comment made me spit out my tea! On my new sofa!! lol 😂 @shellyash

I like this response. It takes the high road while also serving a little well deserved fuck you.

However you want to respond is up to you. As people have said, its not your responsibility to make her feel better. But this could be an opportunity to say all the things you have ever wanted to say to her, about how it made you feel and pushed you to the brink. Strangely enough I was thinking about contacting my childhood bully who I found on Facebook recently. She is now a vicar!

How has she done a good thing in reaching out? Who want so hear from their high school bully in adult hood? How does that not drag up old feelings that you probably don’t want to dwell on?

It’s actually an incredibly selfish thing to do when it’s driven only to make the bully feel better. Don’t commend it.

With mushrooms? 🤨

The therapist’s suggestion reminds me of the AA thing people do, reaching out to apologise to everyone they hurt with their addiction. My OH has had a message like that but he didn’t reply to it; he said the person wasn’t really sorry, they just wanted to feel better. @whattheheckkk all I can say is take your time, you don’t have to respond with any haste or to anyone’s timescale but yours. ATEOTD you are the one here with the power to do what you feel is right for you. Her feelings aren’t relevant here. I hope you manage to find a way forward that brings you some peace.

This

She wants you to forgive her to make herself feel better.

You don't have to forgive or even respond if you don't want to. The ball is in your court now. She showed you no consideration as children and you dont owe her any now.

If you feel it would help YOU to respond or offer forgiveness, that's different. But I would suggest you take time to think about what if anything you want to get out of this for your own sake, not hers. It may be that you want to simply move on and say nothing. Think about what's right for you and not her.

My response would be:

I‘m glad you have finally realised what you did to me. Maybe the pain you are experiencing will be as deep and long-lasting as what you inflicted on me.

I can’t forgive as long as I carry the scars. And forgiving won’t remove those scars.

All you can do is learn from this and ensure you and your child are proactively kind to and accepting of everyone. You could also make a donation to an anti-bullying charity or become an anti-bullying mentor. You can’t undo the damage you have done to me, but you can stop it happening to someone else or support someone currently undergoing what you did to me all those years ago.

Take it as a lesson to change and to stop other people’s lives being ruined by other bullies.

Did she ask about you? How it affected you or how it impacted your adult life? Did she ask if you needed counselling? Or was it just all about her?

On the one hand I wouldnt reply, but a part of me would want to write down exactly what she did and how it made me feel - the crying, anxiety, fear, all the painful details. To ensure she faced up to what she did on my terms, not hers.