To tell my high school bully to jog on?!

[whattheheckkk]

Name changed for this one. Really random.

In high school (over 15 years ago) I was subjected to the most atrocious bullying by the same girl. I was pretty well liked overall, never really had a problem with anyone. I wasn't popular, had a little quiet friendship group.
Except this one girl. I did nothing to her, but when we were about 12 she decided she hated me, and she made my life hell. She was racist towards me, she called me fat, she poured a can of Coke into my school bag during PE. She put chewing gum in my hair. She spat on my lunch whilst I was eating it. She stole my blazer and trashed it. Told me to kill myself. She even flicked boiling hot metal from a soldering onto my hands during electronics class. Much more but you get the jist. She had a little possy of friends who all laughed.

My friends always told me to ignore her, but we were all kind of too quiet to say anything to her- she was scary tbh. I never let on to anyone, but she gave me the worst anxiety. I would rush to the toilet to vomit if she looked at me a certain way in the hallways. I'd cry myself to sleep about it. She never had a reason to hate me. I never told my parents or teachers. I don't know why, I don't really have an answer to that.

Anyway. Fast forward. She messaged me 3 days ago. Saying something along the lines of:

Hi. I know this is a really strange thing to do and I know you probably never wanted to hear from me again. But then went on to explain that she'd had a child a number of years ago and physically cannot get past the way she treated me. How she looks at her child and feels sick because of how scared and upset I must have been of her etc.. and she's terrified of someone treating her child the same way.

She then proceeded to tell me she had been in a really bad depressive pit and has sought professional therapy, where the topic of me came up. Her therapist told her reaching out to me may be a way to close a door. Which I get, kind of- but holy fucking shit- she literally nearly killed me as a teen.

There was a lot more to the message, she gave reasons for the way she treated me( bad home life apparently, which I do sympathise with) but then went on to say that of course it was no excuse. She couldn't make me forgive her and I didn't have to but it would 'help her close a chapter' 🙃 if I did. I haven't replied. To be honest I've been spiralling a bit since the message. I don't know why, I'm a grown woman, married, my own house and career, my own children.

I did speak to my sister (who knew of the abuse as I'd told her years later). She basically told me not to reply and that she could bugger off. Part of me feels sorry for her, but I'm a huge empath. Anyway. This is a massive muddle of a message. What would you do?

I wouldn't answer. I'd delete the message and block her. How has she managed to get your telephone number?

I would be as nice as I could bear - which in this case would be not replying to her. My kindness to her would be not telling her what I thought of her.

Don't reply, please.
If you do, you just left her off without any punishment, she doesn't deserve forgiveness or any sort of response or acknowledgement.
I would not respond and get her hanging there.
What she did to you is criminal, not just mean.

I'd be very tempted to do this.

To just underline how bloody awful it was and how you don't want any child to go through what she put you through.

Like hell would I forgive such shitty grim and lengthy behavior. This wasn't just a one off... She sought to make your life bloody miserable.

Of course there are always reasons... Doesn't male the experience of it any better!

Honestly... Voice note of you laughing like a witch, tell her to go fuck herself.

I had a similar message a few years back. Some wise folks on here helped me word a message along the lines of "I think it's absolutely appalling of your therapist to suggest that I should be obliged in any way to play any part in your therapy.
Encouraging you to launch into my life without any regard for my feelings or any consideration toward if I'd want the person who absolutely destroyed my teenage years to ever contact me again is beyond unprofessional.
I hope they are better skilled in other areas of their profession."

If she had just sent an apology then it may have been worth something but she is also trying to guilt trip you.

Absolutely not. She’s looking for you to say you forgive her so SHE can feel less bad about what she did. This is of no benefit to you in the slightest.

I’ve had similar happen a couple of times. One was an ex friend turned monster who I ignored both times she reached out years later. The other was someone I’d dated who dropped me cruelly and then sent loads of grovelling messages a year later about how he was struggling with regrets over how he’d treated me when I was “always so nice to him”. To that one I simply replied “I feel like you’re looking for me to respond and tell you it’s ok but I’m not gonna do that because it wasn’t”

I had a bully at primary (she was one of many and this was the 80's,so not only did the teachers turn a blind eye,they joined in)

This bully was the sidekick to another bully,who i know now had a shitty home life (not my problem and she grew up into an even more nasty bully)

Anyway,miss sidekick bully lost interest in me as we both got to secondary (the teachers really clamped down on bullying) and when I left school,I thought I'd never have the 'pleasure' of her company ever again

Fast forward a couple of years and my ds makes a new friend at school

This kid was sidekick bully's ds (he is a lovely lad to be fair and they are still mates as adults)

I put on a brave face and smiled/was polite to sidekick bully for the boys sake

If my ds and her ds hadn't become besties,I wouldn't have given her a backwards glance if I'd seen her on fire in the street

I will never know if she told her ds what a bitch she was at school but I saw that look on her face and her fake/scared smile when the penny dropped I was ds's mum

Shes never said sorry but she tried to do a lot for ds (offering to have him for tea/driving him to cubs/taking him away for the day-I think it was guilt talking and her way of saying sorry)

Too little,too late love

Block and delete. Then go and do nice things with good people and eat good food.

I’d tell her to fuck off , and that I wouldn’t wish it on her child.

And yet there are children with undeveloped brains in schools all over the world who aren't bullies.

I don't buy it.

I’d block her- don’t ease her conscience or get into a conversation with her. You owe her nothing.

but it would 'help her close a chapter'

Oh so its all about her hey?
Well Fuck that shit right off! 💯
She WAS a nasty teenage cunt and NOW she's an older selfish cunt. 😠 😡 😤
She's still a cunt 💯
You owe her ZERO percent of your time and/ or energy.
Block her and move on. 💃 💥 💅

This ^

This is a great reply.

I’d go with something like this as I’d also want to respond.

Shes only saying this to make herself feel better.

Yes, there are, and they are better people. But how someone behaves as a child is not always who they are as adults. I knew a couple of delightful children who grew up to be actually evil. I also knew unpleasant children who changed their ways and became better people. I’m not saying she deserves forgiveness, and personally I’d ignore her and block her, but it’s also important to remember that people make mistakes.

Unless the Hope you feel better bit is sarcastic, I’d personally steer away from this reply. Why should the OP, the victim, have to do the emotional labour and do this for the bully all so that the bully can say chapter closed and feel better about herself?

Wow, what a moving piece. I’ve just ordered the book.

Agree 💯
You don't need to be used as part of an exercise in some nasty twats therapy session.
Ick 🤢

Still all about herself.
Lots of people have shit home lives.
They don't terrorise others as she did.

I'd be ignoring her.
Her therapist is a cheeky fxxker suggesting that someone she terrorised would want to hear from her.
Twat.

Total silence from me.

This is a brilliant response. You could also add at the end of you wanted make her feel worse (which she sounds like she definitely deserves) 'I hope your child is not as awful as you'.

In reality this c**t isn’t looking for or needing any response from you.

She felt just dandy and deeply relieved once she pressed send. She has emotionally discharged on to you. You can tell my her words that she has already forgiven herself because she’s so egotistical. You still remain subjugated to meet her emotional flaws - when you were a child it was dispense her rage and anger - now as an adult the expectation is to assuage her ‘guilt’ and soothe the sorrow she feels for her own child. She’s looking for a reaction. Don’t give it to her.

I’m so sorry you went through such a horrifying experience OP, you deserved so much better. Everyone does 💐💐💐