To tell my high school bully to jog on?!

[whattheheckkk]

Name changed for this one. Really random.

In high school (over 15 years ago) I was subjected to the most atrocious bullying by the same girl. I was pretty well liked overall, never really had a problem with anyone. I wasn't popular, had a little quiet friendship group.
Except this one girl. I did nothing to her, but when we were about 12 she decided she hated me, and she made my life hell. She was racist towards me, she called me fat, she poured a can of Coke into my school bag during PE. She put chewing gum in my hair. She spat on my lunch whilst I was eating it. She stole my blazer and trashed it. Told me to kill myself. She even flicked boiling hot metal from a soldering onto my hands during electronics class. Much more but you get the jist. She had a little possy of friends who all laughed.

My friends always told me to ignore her, but we were all kind of too quiet to say anything to her- she was scary tbh. I never let on to anyone, but she gave me the worst anxiety. I would rush to the toilet to vomit if she looked at me a certain way in the hallways. I'd cry myself to sleep about it. She never had a reason to hate me. I never told my parents or teachers. I don't know why, I don't really have an answer to that.

Anyway. Fast forward. She messaged me 3 days ago. Saying something along the lines of:

Hi. I know this is a really strange thing to do and I know you probably never wanted to hear from me again. But then went on to explain that she'd had a child a number of years ago and physically cannot get past the way she treated me. How she looks at her child and feels sick because of how scared and upset I must have been of her etc.. and she's terrified of someone treating her child the same way.

She then proceeded to tell me she had been in a really bad depressive pit and has sought professional therapy, where the topic of me came up. Her therapist told her reaching out to me may be a way to close a door. Which I get, kind of- but holy fucking shit- she literally nearly killed me as a teen.

There was a lot more to the message, she gave reasons for the way she treated me( bad home life apparently, which I do sympathise with) but then went on to say that of course it was no excuse. She couldn't make me forgive her and I didn't have to but it would 'help her close a chapter' 🙃 if I did. I haven't replied. To be honest I've been spiralling a bit since the message. I don't know why, I'm a grown woman, married, my own house and career, my own children.

I did speak to my sister (who knew of the abuse as I'd told her years later). She basically told me not to reply and that she could bugger off. Part of me feels sorry for her, but I'm a huge empath. Anyway. This is a massive muddle of a message. What would you do?

As a therapist I’m not sure I’d suggest this exercise, and if I ever did, I’d be working with the client on accepting their position and being aware of the fact that they couldn’t expect forgiveness but would need to move forward in their own way.
bullying leaves such a scar, in terms of the impact on self-esteem, anxiety, depression and core beliefs about the safety of the world and your place in it.
you don’t need to forgive this person. You can appreciate the acknowledgement of the pain she caused and tell her so if you wish, but you are also allowed to leave her to deal with her own internal suffering for herself. It isn’t your job to heal her.

I was contacted as an adult by my school bully, though in my case she didn't apologise, but said she wanted to met up. I didn't reply and don't regret it. I wouldn't have replied to an apology either. It's about her, not you.

I wouldnt ignore as I would want her to know that her message had reached me and I had seen it. I would respond with a simple "please do not contact me again" and then block her. Dont get into a conversation with her.

She did what she did. If she now needs therapy because of it let her. Don't let her drag you into it.

Probably ignoring her is the right answer but I’d answer something like why is she worried about other people bullying her spawn and not about her own ability to be a barely decent parent given her true nature and disordered personality. What does someone like that have to offer a child.

I’d reply and say no, I don’t forgive you. Why the fuck should you forgive someone like that to make them feel better?!! Hard no from me and I wouldn’t not reply. Some people should feel bad.

Agree. You don’t have to do anything or decide anything. Just look after yourself and be kind to yourself. You went through a horrific time as a teen and now you’re having it brought up again when it wasn’t your choice to do that. No wonder you feel in a spin. If it might help, share with some supportive people. It might feel very validating to have others outraged on your behalf.

I can relate to this, although I’ve never received an apology. I’d either say nothing or the absolute truth - a variation on your OP. How it affected you then, now and how her message also impacted you. You could end with hoping it doesn’t happen to her daughter. Hopefully she’ll also share your reply with her therapist, which might make the therapist think better of suggesting it again.

I’d have to say something like’ I’m glad it’s causing you so much stress. I’ll never forgive you and I’ll always hate you, many others know what you did’ and then block her

It's strange the therapist recommended this. I feel like she's making your trauma about her. Worried about similar happening to HER child and giving context of HER home life (trying to justify it, whether she admits it or not). I will say as well, that her only realising how awful she was once she had kids suggests, that prior to that she didn't give it much thought?

I think a genuine apology would be totally YOU focused. I suspect this is an attempt to make herself feel better. I personally wouldn't reply. I think that says everything it needs to. I know some people have recommended telling her to essentially F off, but I feel like this could cause those around her to try and flip the narrative to you being unreasonable and that could bring her a weird comfort that I don't think she really deserves. I think she'll feel the consequences of her actions more through silence. Silence can be deafening as they say.

I would reply

but I would simply say:

”I sincerely hope it doesn’t happen to your child either”

Don’t give your bully closure.
Simply ignore. Too little too late. And block.
She is really not your problem.

I’d be tempted to reply honestly setting out largely what you have set out here. You appreciate her circumstances were tough and you are sorry to hear about some of what she’s been through. But her message has knocked you sideways a bit and you don’t know that you ultimately feel that forgiving.

Pps are right to say you don’t owe her anything. But most people go through their life without any insight into their mistakes so that would be enough for me want to engage, personally. Something brief and honest along those lines might help her with her journey, without you feeling like you have given away anything you didn’t want to.

I would say:

”I am so, so, sorry to hear that you have reproduced. It’s atrocious that any child’s life has been blighted with you for a mother - as their development will be severely compromised by your significant emotional limitations and they will likely suffer chronic MH problems into adulthood.”

I'm a therapist and this doesn't sit well with me at all.....what an awful position to put you in given the therapist probably knows what you went through. From reading your post you clearly don't feel like it's water under the bridge (and I'm not surprised given what she put you through for all those years!) and you don't owe her anything, not even a response if you don't want to. Take some time to think about what YOU need and want from this. Hard to do as an empath I know, but it doesn't sound like opening the lines of communication with this person again will give you any closure and your decision should be about you and your needs only. I'd even consider booking a one off therapy session to discuss this and your thoughts as it might help! Best of luck and I'm sorry you went through such an awful time 💐

She made your life absolute hell and now wants you to help her feel better about it?
Fuck no!!!

I’m shocked that a professional would advocate a form of therapeutic healing for one person that means sending another person into a spiral of horrible triggering memories of trauma with no warning… terrible practice.

That said, I’m a big believer in forgiving dickheads so that you can let go and live your life unencumbered. The forgiveness is for your benefit, not theirs. No more anger, no more bitterness. Just pity. It’s hard obviously. And impossible in some situations. But just search your heart to see if you can forgive her and leave it in the past.

Whether you wish to communicate that with her is another matter. The healing should be yours. She doesn’t matter - she didn’t then, and she doesn’t now. So replying is optional. But the forgiveness can be transformational.

I had a similar experience and I realised that her ‘reaching out’ was yet another example of it being all about her. She didn’t care how upset her getting in touch would make me, how it would bring back terrible memories. It was just all about her feelings and making herself feel better.

I thought about what would help me to ‘close the door’ and I went with that, regardless of whether it was what she wanted. It isn’t my job to help her feel better, my only responsibility is to myself, and being true to my own morals. It felt good to be in control and to finally be able to let it go.

All the best in whatever you decide

I think I’d just say “ok” then block. That way you won’t have an “unfinished” feeling nagging at you but she won’t be able to continue any correspondence.

Or say this!

There is no right or wrong for this though is there. You feel how you feel and you have to do what you have to do. No one can judge you.

Having said that, as an outsider who didn't have to struggle through what you are doing, I am glad that she feels bad about it and realises what she has done.

If you can, try not to hate her. Either forget about her or forgive her. But don't let this contact drag you backwards in terms of anxiety.

I wouldn't reply to her. She isn't truly sorry, just worried about her daughter and her own mental health. She bullied you, now wants something from you. Very selfish person.

I agree wholeheartedly with most others on here…once again this is all about her.

So I would ask yourself what would make YOU feel better? Would it be to tell her all the ways her abuse hurt you? To tell her how much it affected your life? If so, do it. Turn it around and use it as an opportunity to make YOU feel better

This is purely to give her closure and to make her feel better. She can quite frankly fuck RIGHT off.

This made me think of this Katy Wix article. https://www.theguardian.com/society/article/2024/jul/07/could-you-forgive-your-childhood-bully-katy-wix-confronts-a-painful-memory

I really don’t like the fact the therapist suggested she reach out to you. It’s so unfair. It’s like once again you’re not seen as a person with your own thoughts and feelings, you’re still just a tool to be used by the bully. You were her personal punching bag when you were at school because she had a bad home life and felt the need to punish someone else for that, and now you’re just a device to make her feel better about herself. Neither her or the therapist have thought about what might be best for you or what you need in this situation.

If it was me who received this message I most likely wouldn’t respond at all as I wouldn’t want to speak to someone who had bullied me and was now only apologising to ease their own conscience. But if I did choose to respond I’d probably send something quite rude back. Ultimately, it depends how you feel, OP. Do you think responding to her would help? Do you think it could make you feel worse? You need to think about what is best for you in this situation and what’s going to help you. Who cares what’s best for her and her conscience.