To tell my high school bully to jog on?!

[whattheheckkk]

Name changed for this one. Really random.

In high school (over 15 years ago) I was subjected to the most atrocious bullying by the same girl. I was pretty well liked overall, never really had a problem with anyone. I wasn't popular, had a little quiet friendship group.
Except this one girl. I did nothing to her, but when we were about 12 she decided she hated me, and she made my life hell. She was racist towards me, she called me fat, she poured a can of Coke into my school bag during PE. She put chewing gum in my hair. She spat on my lunch whilst I was eating it. She stole my blazer and trashed it. Told me to kill myself. She even flicked boiling hot metal from a soldering onto my hands during electronics class. Much more but you get the jist. She had a little possy of friends who all laughed.

My friends always told me to ignore her, but we were all kind of too quiet to say anything to her- she was scary tbh. I never let on to anyone, but she gave me the worst anxiety. I would rush to the toilet to vomit if she looked at me a certain way in the hallways. I'd cry myself to sleep about it. She never had a reason to hate me. I never told my parents or teachers. I don't know why, I don't really have an answer to that.

Anyway. Fast forward. She messaged me 3 days ago. Saying something along the lines of:

Hi. I know this is a really strange thing to do and I know you probably never wanted to hear from me again. But then went on to explain that she'd had a child a number of years ago and physically cannot get past the way she treated me. How she looks at her child and feels sick because of how scared and upset I must have been of her etc.. and she's terrified of someone treating her child the same way.

She then proceeded to tell me she had been in a really bad depressive pit and has sought professional therapy, where the topic of me came up. Her therapist told her reaching out to me may be a way to close a door. Which I get, kind of- but holy fucking shit- she literally nearly killed me as a teen.

There was a lot more to the message, she gave reasons for the way she treated me( bad home life apparently, which I do sympathise with) but then went on to say that of course it was no excuse. She couldn't make me forgive her and I didn't have to but it would 'help her close a chapter' 🙃 if I did. I haven't replied. To be honest I've been spiralling a bit since the message. I don't know why, I'm a grown woman, married, my own house and career, my own children.

I did speak to my sister (who knew of the abuse as I'd told her years later). She basically told me not to reply and that she could bugger off. Part of me feels sorry for her, but I'm a huge empath. Anyway. This is a massive muddle of a message. What would you do?

NO! It's still all about her and how she feels. She is not your problem. You owe her nothing. Delete the message. You've moved on and have a happy life now so enjoy it

What a snarky, passive aggressive comment. As a pp said, many people deal with certain things in different ways, and whilst some would have found it cathartic and healing to send the message the OP did to her bully, some would prefer to just block and delete and not want any contact, as it can trigger some awful underlying trauma for some. (I can speak personally of this though I am NOT going into it.) Maybe this was the best thing for the OP to do. It would not have been the best thing for me, No two people are the same.

I am happy for the OP and that the message she has sent has brought her some peace and closure. I am just saying I wouldn't have contacted the bully after she had 'reached out to me asking for forgiveness...' (on the advice of her therapist apparently!) And some others said this too, that they would not have responded and would have ignore her...)

They were just opinions - and that is what the OP ASKED for. She even said she is happy and grateful for ALL responses, and has been incredibly respectful and nice towards people saying things she disagreed with. And I am, (and pretty much everyone else) is happy for her.

You even took a swipe at what the OP said, by saying she was 'too diplomatic.' YOU would have done it differently. Good for you. Doesn't give you a right to be snarky and rude and passive aggressive towards people with different views, with little underhand, barbed snipes (laced with a smug smiley emoji..) Like 'if the same happens to someone close to you, you won't be hypocrites, coz talk is cheap!' Just so unnecessary on such a warm and supportive thread.

Refusing to give two hoots about your bully’s home life or “issues” does not mean you are ruminating on it or letting it control your life. I find this extreme performative “kindness” quite implausible and frankly sinister.

Bet if some little bastard rubbed a used sanitary towel in your daughters face you would not smile beatifically and wonder about the bully’s difficult home life.

She sounds like a disgusting mare. That would have been the worst for you. I don't think she has changed at all and am very suspicious about why she is in therapy. Wonder if its part of a sentence.

Wow. Is there really any need for that @Ruby1985 ? ^ You're souring a really warm and supportive thread. What a shame.

I won't be responding to you again, but I am NOT leaving the thread because you (very rudely) tell me to!

.

Leave her in the torment she left you in.

Having read your update OP, I think your reply to bully was very measured. You’ve shown so much dignity. I hope deep down your inner self does really accept that none of this was your fault or a reflection on you. An awful thing for your bully to have brought back up but really great to hear that you’ve found some level of peace with it. Best wishes to you OP

Yeah, that's what she deserves. To NOT be forgiven.

I dont understand why you are defensive against my view. I never said people weren't different. Don't like my take , that's fine. I thought we were all allowed our own views. I was just sharing what has worked for me. People can use it or not it's free choice.
There's no point being angry at someone on the Internet who's views differ from yours, as that'll just eat away at your happiness.

I stopped reading the full thread as it has turned nasty and downright ridiculous. I have read all your posts on the thread though op.

I think you sound like an incredibly lovely person and what you went through was nothing short of horrific. This bully deserves NOTHING from you. Your reply was spot on. After reading your most recent update, your reply was a lot classier than mine would have been!

You should be very proud of yourself op. Leave this disgusting human in the past now, where she belongs.

I've read the reply you sent her and thought how direct and to the point it was. No comment about forgiveness; she doesn't deserve it.

And then I read your further update about her attacking you on the walk home form a club. I don't think I've ever read anything so utterly horrendous in my life where a girl could ever possibly even think to do that to another girl. I felt sick reading that and what you must have felt at the time and after.

Given your update, your reply to her was FAR too polite!! But you leave it all behind now, knowing you raised the bar...to a level she'll never be able to reach. Huge hugs to you for being the better person.

Wow OP. I’ve been following from the start and did wonder if I would have made the same choice in not expressing forgiveness considering your abuser was only a child herself at the time. However, the update is so incredibly disturbing. Beyond words really. The shame and humiliation. I feel angry on your behalf and am glad you have expressed how you feel to her, especially considering the message she sent you was not a true apology.

And really, fuck you Gemma.

This is an amazing reply OP! Given your latest post about what she did to you, I think you were very measured in your response. It's a miracle she didn't end up in some serious trouble after school.

I'm glad, in an odd way, that her reaching out has enabled you to get some closure and take her power away from her.

A great reply OP!

Honestly, seeing your further update about the attack as you were walking home from a club... Fuck her. She deserves a miserable existence, and I think your reply was very controlled, considering. Well done you. I'm giving you a high five through the screen.

Absolutely jog on! You reap what you sow.

Weirdly enough, my bully was Angela W (but I'm sure a different Angela W to you!)
And Angela D was one of my closest school friends (so definitely not the same Angela D!!)
😂

As someone who was also bullied throughout primary school by one vicious girl, I am punching the air right now reading your reply. Absolutely perfect, good on you! I hope it has brought you some relief and I'm so sorry you suffered so much abuse. There is truly nothing worse than a bully.

I wasn't going to write this,but fuck it

My mother is a narcissist

She not only knew I was being bullied,but made a point of befriending the parents of the bullies,who in turn took great delight in being in my space (home and bedroom) so they could ramp it up

She knew what she was doing and it was pure torture-she just liked the fact that she owned her own house and could look down on these parents for being council and if I,as the scapegoat took even more crap from the bullies,then who really cared?

I'd brought it on myself by 'allowing' myself to be bullied (this was in primary)

I was bullied by a boy at secondary school

He did it to all the girls and was sly about it-us girls would tell a teacher,he'd get into trouble and ramp it up but more under the radar

I think it was to do with the fact he'd grown to about 5 foot and stopped,us girls where much taller than him and he hated it

My parents advice to bullying was 'let them hit you then we can really do something about it' (top advice!what could go wrong???)

I was once sat in music class and I didn't notice he'd walked in

He went straight over to me and thumped me in the back-it bloody hurt,it felt like id been stabbed

Teacher got him out while another teacher asked what I wanted to happen

'Phone the police!I've just been assaulted!i want to press charges!'

Then the teachers made a huge mistake,they phoned my mother

She actually simpered to the teachers that this lad can't have meant it,he must have been triggered by something I did and to 'deal with it in school,no need to phone the police'

School where so relieved that they wouldn't have to involve the police and have it on some record somewhere so gave him a bollocking and detention

(This didn't stop him,this was my fault hed got into trouble and it was war)

This crap went on for over 3 years and I never bothered to tell a teacher again

A few years later,my golden child brother was being bullied and she was on the phone to the police for the most minor things that happened to him (he'd start it,others finished it and she'd try to get them into trouble as golden boy was totally innocent)

My own dd came home one day really upset as the dd of yet another bully (one that my mother made besties with her parents) was bullying her

I came down on bully like a tonne of bricks-didnt go down well with either her bully mother or school but fuck it-she had to learn to stay away from my dd

Ditto.

Jesus…. I’m glad she’s having therapy because she needs it!

it’s horrible to think one person can absolutely ruin someone child hood. I’m so sorry you went through that

Omg I've just read your update. This wasn't just a bit of bullying. It was completely sadistic and next level bullying. It's disgusting the things she did to you. Why she wanted to do that and why her friends went along with it?! It makes me feel very angry for you, so I cannot begin to imagine how you feel about it. Awful behaviour from a despicable human being. I'm glad her bad actions have caught up with her now, to affect her sleep and daily living. Which is evident from her counselling sessions. She deserves it! Again it's the baby and it's safety that's made her think about her actions. She knows that because she's done bad things, it's possible for people to do it to her child in the future. All this reflection is for her child and how it makes her feel. Very selfish behaviour on her part. I don't know what her counsellor was thinking by asking her to contact you?!!! Unbelievable! Unless she missed out half the things she'd done to you, making it seem like low level bullying. You are a strong woman and I applaud you for your strong reply. Take care of yourself.

There's a coincidence! My Angela W was no angel, but she looked it - a little Botticelli cherub with red-gold curls. She could be immature and catty, but she wasn't irredeemable or a danger to those around her and if I met her now it would be OK.

Unless she'd had a complete personality transplant, my Angela D was malicious and violent and you probably wouldn't have regarded her as a friend.

She hopes HER child is never bullied?
It would have been nice if she'd also mentioned that she hoped her child never bullys anyone else.