To tell my high school bully to jog on?!

[whattheheckkk]

Name changed for this one. Really random.

In high school (over 15 years ago) I was subjected to the most atrocious bullying by the same girl. I was pretty well liked overall, never really had a problem with anyone. I wasn't popular, had a little quiet friendship group.
Except this one girl. I did nothing to her, but when we were about 12 she decided she hated me, and she made my life hell. She was racist towards me, she called me fat, she poured a can of Coke into my school bag during PE. She put chewing gum in my hair. She spat on my lunch whilst I was eating it. She stole my blazer and trashed it. Told me to kill myself. She even flicked boiling hot metal from a soldering onto my hands during electronics class. Much more but you get the jist. She had a little possy of friends who all laughed.

My friends always told me to ignore her, but we were all kind of too quiet to say anything to her- she was scary tbh. I never let on to anyone, but she gave me the worst anxiety. I would rush to the toilet to vomit if she looked at me a certain way in the hallways. I'd cry myself to sleep about it. She never had a reason to hate me. I never told my parents or teachers. I don't know why, I don't really have an answer to that.

Anyway. Fast forward. She messaged me 3 days ago. Saying something along the lines of:

Hi. I know this is a really strange thing to do and I know you probably never wanted to hear from me again. But then went on to explain that she'd had a child a number of years ago and physically cannot get past the way she treated me. How she looks at her child and feels sick because of how scared and upset I must have been of her etc.. and she's terrified of someone treating her child the same way.

She then proceeded to tell me she had been in a really bad depressive pit and has sought professional therapy, where the topic of me came up. Her therapist told her reaching out to me may be a way to close a door. Which I get, kind of- but holy fucking shit- she literally nearly killed me as a teen.

There was a lot more to the message, she gave reasons for the way she treated me( bad home life apparently, which I do sympathise with) but then went on to say that of course it was no excuse. She couldn't make me forgive her and I didn't have to but it would 'help her close a chapter' 🙃 if I did. I haven't replied. To be honest I've been spiralling a bit since the message. I don't know why, I'm a grown woman, married, my own house and career, my own children.

I did speak to my sister (who knew of the abuse as I'd told her years later). She basically told me not to reply and that she could bugger off. Part of me feels sorry for her, but I'm a huge empath. Anyway. This is a massive muddle of a message. What would you do?

Did toh miss the bit where the bully got her friends to hold OP down while she rubbed her used sanitary towel on her face, in her mouth and in her hair? and the OP had to walk home with the bully's blood on her?

That's where the "old enough to start her period" came from.

I felt sick after reading that. It's like something from some horrible child abuse drama on ITV.

The message which she sent because she's in therapy and wants to "close a door"?

Right.

She burned her with molten metal and she held her down and rubbed her used sanitary towel on her face.

This isn't a bit of name calling, or silly pranks. This is sadistic behaviour.

Lower level teenage regretful behaviour I can understand but this is very far from that level.

@TheGetAlongGang I am sorry you went through that.

This. ^ In spades.

What?! You think she should have sought out her bully in order to send a message?

Yes, Joker.

I strongly disagree.
She was a horrible person that inflicted cruelty on another.
She wants forgiveness for herself.
I don't know how other students allow this happen. I wouldn't have stood by.
Little witch.

@whattheheckkk your response was considered, intelligent and just the right side of icily polite with one scatalogical term thrown in (I wouldn't even waste much of that on her. She might thrive and grow in it!) You're probably politer than she deserves, but you wisely consider what you owe yourself - you're far more important.

Oh and Gemma - go boil your head!

And not a chic one.

Bloody hell

How on earth can you define what @whattheheckkk has done as 'carrying on', @ChicJoker? She has sent just one message, after thinking over the message from the girl who tried to burn her with molten metal, and rubbed a used sanitary towel all over her face - amongst plenty of other bullying actions too.

I think the tone of her message was very measured, given what this girl did to her, and I think the OP is under no obligation to tell this person she has forgiven her.

I was bullied from the age of about 10 until I left secondary school for sixth form college at 16, and I still bear the mental scars - life long depression, anxiety, and low self esteem. I was having suicidal thoughts at around 14 or maybe even younger, and I will be on antidepressants for the rest of my life.

I have often wondered if I would forgive my bullies, if they apologised sincerely - and the answer is I just don't know. I would like to have the opportunity to tell them how badly their bullying has affected my whole life, and I am strong enough now that I think I could face them and tell them. I know they were kids then too - but so was I - and I knew not to bully people and make their lives a misery for my own sport. I do try to let go of what happened, because holding onto it won't benefit me at all - and maybe that looks like forgiveness, but it's for me and my wellbeing, not them.

The person I found hardest to forgive is my mother. She dismissed me and my feelings, when I was in tears from the bullying, and just told me I should ignore it and it would stop. Sticks and stones might break my bones, but calling names wouldn't hurt me. I tried to ignore it, and it didn't stop - it got worse, if anything. And I didn't feel I could go to my mum and tell her it hadn't stopped, because I firmly believed she would just tell me I hadn't tried hard enough to ignore it. I never went to the teachers either - after all, if my own mum wouldn't help me, why would they? And if telling the teachers had made the bullying worse, I knew my mum wouldn't support me. I think she didn't want to take time from her own interests to go to the school with me, or help me. She didn't even ask if the bullying had stopped or got better. Not once. She didn't want to know, and I don't think she really cared. She is dead now, but it coloured my entire relationship with her from then on.

You'd be surprised how many students in school stand by and let shit happen.

I was bullied throughout secondary school. I can think of only two incidents where students stood up for me.

Once was early in year 7 in the girls PE changing rooms, a girl stood up for me and asked my bullies what I had ever done to them. Two days later, this girl had been recruited into their gang and was joining in with the bullying. They got her to walk up to me and slap me round the face.

Another time, a boy was so awful to me during French class that I just started crying. I put my head down on the desk to hide it but it was obvious. Two girls felt sorry for me and took me to the head of year to tell him what was going on. I'm grateful for them.

But that was it. In five years. Everyone else pretty much just watched. Or avoided being seen near me.

My own kids have been taught from a very early age to never be a bystander.

Others stand by because they're scared that they'll be next.

I stepped in to stop a small, timid girl being harassed when I was in either S2/Y9 or S3/10. (I thought the latter, but I'm not sure now.)

I was beaten up in the changing room by three girls. No, I hadn't been physical. I'd had the temerity to tell them to leave the other girl alone. I found out last week that other girls who were there remember it. It happened more than 50 years ago.

I recall being called a half-caste because my dad was Eastern European. There were three other girls of similar heritage in the same class. (Our dads were World War 2 Displaced Persons).

Two of the girls kept quiet. One joined in. She actually had the nerve to introduce herself to me at a very recent school reunion and made a jocular comment about being "wild".

I actually didn't recognise her at all, though apparently I'm still recognisable after all that time.

The best that can be said for her is that I'm not aware that she ever laid hands on anyone.

Thank God this thread is nearly full. There are some batshit bonkers responses coming on it now, from several posters who just want to throw vitriol and toxicity onto it. Sounds like Gemma might be on the thread, or a few people who aren't too different from her. Bit defensive of this vile bully for my liking!

@whattheheckkk Ignore these (few) posters. 99% of the posters/posts on here are on your side. Whatever you decided to do, people are supporting you. Don't let the few daft and ludicrous comments full of negativity towards you get you down. You did nothing wrong, and 'Gemma' (your bully) deserves ZERO compassion from you.

Be happy. I hope you have some closure now. 😘

Dd2 as a teen had the mean girl episode her friendship group turned on her instigated by her “best friend” spreading nasty rumours so she was entirely isolated. She was adamant I wasn’t to go into the school and she had to deal with it herself.

Her older sister the archetypal swotty academic good girl who had never even had a single behaviour point took swift decisive physical action against the bully. The school were “most surprised” but let it go as Dd1 was usually such a good girl. Never been more proud.

There's more Gemmas around than we think.

My worst school bully posts "be kind" and memes about mental health all over her Facebook. Stuff about being kind and compassionate and how you can talk to her of you're having a shit time. She writes nice comments to people in the local groups and everyone thinks she's just so nice but even now, we when are both nearly 40, if I see her out and about she gives me the exact same sneery look she gave me back when we were kids.

These people care only about themselves, their image, their popularity. Give them as much sympathy as they gave others.

P.S one of my best friends is called Gemma and is the loveliest person. I hope any innocent Gemmas reading this thread don't feel victimised 😂

Awful stories.
I was secure enough in school, I had two older sisters in school.
I always had a strong connection to the under dog, I felt protective of the vulnerable. I stopped bullying many times, sadly its all about the bigger fish.
I eyeball advice, telling softer children to hit the bully harder, it doesn't work, when you're vulnerable, hit back, they'll torture you daily.

@whattheheckkk I just want to comment on this one thing you said earlier:

"I don't think a therapist even told her to contact me, I think she's lying and she thinks it'll stop any bad karma getting to her and her family? Or if she's not lying I don't think she's been truthful about the extent of the abuse she inflicted on me."

I'd stake my mortgage on this being true. Literally - I wonder who would give me odds?

I have no idea what I would have done in your situation if I received that message but you were well within your rights, based on what you've shared here, to respond the way you did.

Hoping you have some RL support to process this but also why you felt you couldn't tell the people closest to you at the time, which I kind of feel is very important too?

@whattheheckkk your response was absolutely perfect and anyone who says otherwise just doesn’t understand. I will screenshot it to copy if any of the bitches that made my life abject hell decide to get in touch! Your last post made me very sad, I was beaten up a couple of times and harassed every single day, threatened with a knife etc. I was suicidal but I think what you endured would have sent me over the edge. I have immense admiration for your triumph over adversity back then, and to rise above with grace and dignity now is inspiring.

It's interesting, the way some people interpret #BeKind.

IME, the ones parroting this trite cliche are the ones least inclined toward kindness to others. An extended family member immediately springs to mind. This person is rigid, judgemental, underhanded, manipulative and spiteful, and will throw a spanner in the works at every given opportunity to create discord between other members of the family. In a classic DARVO move they also view themselves as a perpetual victim.

It would never occur to people like this to consider that kindness is something to be extended, or at the very least is reciprocal. What they really appear to mean by #BeKind, is 'be kind to me'.

@SerafinasGoose "What they really appear to mean by #BeKind, is 'be kind to me'." SOOO TRUE.

I honestly think it's even more shallow than that.

They post "be kind" because it's the done thing. That's what people post. It's fashionable.

Just like those charity wristband things that people were wearing as a fashion statement around 2005ish.

They didn't give a shit about raising breast cancer awareness or ending famine. It was just fashion. Shops started selling blank ones with no charity message or donation for people to wear because they looked cool.

There's no more thought to it than that for a lot of them.

I just looked up one of the mean girls from school. She has 5 Facebook profiles. She still looks hard faced and unpleasant (and rough). Under her Likes section she's included Jim Davidson and Chubby Brown. No, mostly they don't change.

OP, I think you've handled this really well. You've turned it round to mobilise your anger and stand up to the bully. You've been the adult to stand up for your child self. Bravo!

Just had a peek at mine. She has posted some horrible shit about sinking refugee boats and then her very next post after that is (I shit you not) a meme saying "mental health matters - it's OK not to be OK" with a caption written by her that says "you can always talk to me, don't suffer in silence, everyone is always welcome with me"

Do these people hear themselves? 😂

Well done.. Excellent reply to your bully... I hope she needs a lot more therapy. As you say she was evil.
I hope you heal best you can from all this and live a happy and fulfilled life.
You're a survivor.. 💗💗💗