To tell my high school bully to jog on?!

[whattheheckkk]

Name changed for this one. Really random.

In high school (over 15 years ago) I was subjected to the most atrocious bullying by the same girl. I was pretty well liked overall, never really had a problem with anyone. I wasn't popular, had a little quiet friendship group.
Except this one girl. I did nothing to her, but when we were about 12 she decided she hated me, and she made my life hell. She was racist towards me, she called me fat, she poured a can of Coke into my school bag during PE. She put chewing gum in my hair. She spat on my lunch whilst I was eating it. She stole my blazer and trashed it. Told me to kill myself. She even flicked boiling hot metal from a soldering onto my hands during electronics class. Much more but you get the jist. She had a little possy of friends who all laughed.

My friends always told me to ignore her, but we were all kind of too quiet to say anything to her- she was scary tbh. I never let on to anyone, but she gave me the worst anxiety. I would rush to the toilet to vomit if she looked at me a certain way in the hallways. I'd cry myself to sleep about it. She never had a reason to hate me. I never told my parents or teachers. I don't know why, I don't really have an answer to that.

Anyway. Fast forward. She messaged me 3 days ago. Saying something along the lines of:

Hi. I know this is a really strange thing to do and I know you probably never wanted to hear from me again. But then went on to explain that she'd had a child a number of years ago and physically cannot get past the way she treated me. How she looks at her child and feels sick because of how scared and upset I must have been of her etc.. and she's terrified of someone treating her child the same way.

She then proceeded to tell me she had been in a really bad depressive pit and has sought professional therapy, where the topic of me came up. Her therapist told her reaching out to me may be a way to close a door. Which I get, kind of- but holy fucking shit- she literally nearly killed me as a teen.

There was a lot more to the message, she gave reasons for the way she treated me( bad home life apparently, which I do sympathise with) but then went on to say that of course it was no excuse. She couldn't make me forgive her and I didn't have to but it would 'help her close a chapter' 🙃 if I did. I haven't replied. To be honest I've been spiralling a bit since the message. I don't know why, I'm a grown woman, married, my own house and career, my own children.

I did speak to my sister (who knew of the abuse as I'd told her years later). She basically told me not to reply and that she could bugger off. Part of me feels sorry for her, but I'm a huge empath. Anyway. This is a massive muddle of a message. What would you do?

@TheGetAlongGang

You’ve nothing to apologise for re- your spelling. You explained upthread when a poster pulled you up on it. Although l think they did it in the kindest way they could, you should know that correcting someone's grammar or spelling is a no no on MN, and your post here demonstrates why. It’s rude, uncalled for and can be inadvertently discriminatory or ableist. Not all posters will do it kindly either, so the next time you find yourself on the receiving end of such comments, report them to MN and they’ll be deleted.

Have you read the OP’s latest message??

Good for you. But we’re all individuals and as such, we all deal with things in our own way.

Have you considered reporting this to the police OP? She was over the age of criminal responsibility, there is no statute of limitations in this country and there were a number of witnesses.

Of course there's nothing to apologise for. It was me that mentioned it. I thought it was an autocorrect fail, so I wasn't pulling @TheGetAlongGangup as you put it. She used the right word in the right context within the post hence me thinking it was autocorrect.

Let's not derail the thread. My post to @TheGetAlongGang was to say how well she and her mates at work handled a bully in the workplace. Lots of people are terrified of reprisals but these colleagues were brilliant.

Except I hope you experience it and let us know how you deal with it 🤭

Your reply was really good. I can’t believe you didn’t break down and tell your parents all of this, I’m so sorry you had no one to turn to.

I think you need therapy with that attitude. Only don't pick the same one Gemma did. You're siding with and apologising for the worst kind of bully and you ought to be ashamed.

Just read your last update. How evil of her. Plus some adults around you have let you down. Now you’ve done a big step though, you’ve just completed years of therapy in the last few days. By sharing on here and by getting back to her. You got this. Let go of any more emotions that might come up. We’re all behind you

@ChicJoker Good for you. Do you want an award for thinking you’re a better person?

I think after reading her latest message her reply was quite tame. I can’t imagine the evilness - a girl smearing their period blood on another girls face. That goes beyond being a bully.

Who's that reply to @feedmee - @ChicJoker ? If so I agree with you. They haven't the first clue.

OP had managed to put it behind her and didn’t initiate contact. The bully did. And if you read OP’s post properly it wasn’t an apology. She contacted OP at the suggestion of her therapist, not from genuine sorrow, and there was no consideration as to how the contact would make OP feel. This was not for OP’s benefit, it was entirely to make the bully feel better about what she did, so she can move past it.

That’s not down to OP, and if the bully thought things through before contacting OP, she would likely have prepared herself for such a response because she would have realised she was giving OP an outlet for her own feelings, having been the victim.

This thread seems to have turned really nasty with people either chastising the OP and saying she was harsh etc in her reply after suffering different kinds of abuse from this bully, or picking on each other and pulling each other apart, so more bullying. Not at all what I imagine the OP would want to read, because I know I don’t!

The bully asking for forgiveness is irrelevant. The bullying needs to take accountability for her own actions. Not to be need to be validated.

Just do what is good for you personally. If that is forgiving then go for it, ignoring - do that, having a go back, do that. Going against the opinions of most, I will say (and I'm one that was bullied) that I am different from when I was at school and would now take no shite, the same as bullies also mature. It doesn't make it right for what happened to you but children do crap stuff we definitely wouldn't do as adults.

Basically, just do what is right for you not what is right or wrong for her.

Come on.
You know very well that you haven’t walk in the OP’s shoes.
Very simply because
1- it’s unlikely that the bullying was exactly the same
2- you won’t have had the same support (or lack of) that she had - from family, teachers, friends etc….
3- you won’t have the same temperament, life history etc… than the OP.

And tbh the fact you feel it’s ok to be judgemental towards the OP for daring not to react the same way you have says much more about you than you realise.
Eg many people who have gone through events like this develop huge compassion for their fellow sufferers rather than being judgemental and looking down on them…..

What do you mean carry on? OP has dealt with it the way she wants to, that’s not your way but she’s not carrying on!

Yep, you would have to be a certain level of sick to do such a thing! This all goes beyond ‘unkindness’

Obviously, bullying is never OK and always needs to be dealt with. Children need to learn how serious and unacceptable and wrong it is.

There are levels of it though which, although obviously still very wrong because it always is, I think are forgivable in a child who is going through their own trauma and isn't mature enough, or with the right adult guidance, to have proper coping mechanisms. Again, wrong! But perhaps at a forgivable level.

What she put you through goes far beyond all that. Even at such a young age, that was old enough to know there was no excuse, none. You could have chosen to forgive her but you didn't have to and I wouldn't either. That was just... beyond.

You are a very classy lady, and that response was epic 👏 😎 👌 @whattheheckkk
You should be very proud. 💯

I read your update and that girl was insidious cruel in her treatment of you. A cunt never changes it's spots, no matter how many years fly by. She was a psycho.
You were definitely not harsh. You were marvellous 👏 😇 💅

And on a final note... FUCK YOU GEMMA, AND SHOVE YOUR WORDS UP YOUR ARSE, YOU MASSIVE CUNT! 🖕

You are a very classy lady, and that response was epic 👏 😎 👌 @whattheheckkk
You should be very proud. 💯

I read your update and that girl was insidiously cruel in her treatment of you. A cunt never changes it's spots, no matter how many years fly by. She was a psycho.
You were definitely not harsh. You were marvellous 👏 😇 💅

And on a final note... FUCK YOU GEMMA, AND SHOVE YOUR WORDS UP YOUR ARSE, YOU MASSIVE CUNT! 🖕

I was a victim. I chose to let it go and feel free from it. There no point ruminating and holding on to old anger as you are the only person who suffers from it.
I am a lot happier as a person and hold no grudges or anger and feel at peace with myself.

@HonestOpalHelper · Today 08:12

We change a lot from childhood to adulthood - my bully at school is now a vicar and a really nice person, total transformation!
It can't hurt you to drop her a message back just saying it was a long time ago, of course you accept her apology and forgive her.
Even if you have reservations about that, it sounds like she's in a bad place now, vitriol and hatred don't help anyone, you either, both let it go and find peace.

As a pp said, there is no OFF COURSE about it. I can't imagine why ANYone would give someone who was horrifically bullied to the point of suicidal thoughts this ludicrous advice. (This sounds like it's come from 'Gemma' actually ...)

Oh and FGS, at least try and read all the OP's posts, there aren't that many. Then you will know she has already messaged her bully. And she - and most people on here - couldn't give a shiny shite if the bully is 'in a bad place now.' It's where she belongs. I hope her rancid bullying of the OP haunts her for the whole of her life.

Good for you. It's almost like people are different isn't it?!

I know that poster wasn't being nasty-she just commented on a mistake i made

It wasn't nasty and I'm grateful she did point it out as ill try not to make the same mistake again

Sometimes it's helpful (I didn't take it as bullying) and it wasn't reportable (I've had comments on this site that ripped me apart and I still didn't report as I must have triggered that poster)

It has left me a tiny bit paranoid though!

Teachers at school would scream at me for making that sort of mistake at school (in front of everyone) and it's left me super frightened to make basic mistakes
(I normally get dp to check if I've spelt something wrong-he was at work yesterday,so not around to ask)

That's not this ladies problem-she politely pointed out where id gone wrong and I was grateful

Thank you to both of you for being so understanding