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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Adult man swearing at a toddler

252 replies

AnnaSunshine · 07/09/2025 18:49

We have a family membership to Kew Gardens. I know it’s expensive, but we go almost every weekend to let our children run around and enjoy being outside.

My youngest child is 18 months old. He is in that gorgeous stage where he had just started to talk a little more coherently and where he absolutely loves running around and climbing. He can follow simple instructions….. when he wants to!

If you know Kew, we were over by the Japanese gardens. My eldest thinks this is the most beautiful place that she’s ever seen.

This area has some gravel sections where the stones are raked. They are not to be walked on.

As you can imagine, my son (who was with my husband) immediately ran into the middle of one of these areas. My husband called to my son (which he thought was a hilarious game) and then my husband went to go and scoop him up. Cue toddler screaming “No daddy!”.

At this point a man in his thirties sitting on a bench with a woman turns around and tells us “you cannot walk on that.” I relied, “we know, but he’s a toddler and he doesn’t understand that yet.”

To be clear, my husband has already removed my son.

The man then continues “What is wrong with you Karen? Parent your children. You need to have boundaries. What is wrong with you? You are a terrible parent!”

This is with escalating agitation. My son, still with his Dad, starts to cry because there is a man shouting at his mum.

I should have walked away, but I said still very calmly:

”Karen‽ He is not even two. He is not yet cognitively developed enough to understand this.”

To which the man stood up, turned to my son and shouted “You little sod, don’t go on the f-ing stones!”

I said “You are shouting at a toddler. For when you have calmed down, we forgive you for this.” And, I know pettily, walked across the stones myself to go and hug my child.

Was I unreasonable in this? Kew is made for people of all ages. We absolutely respect it, and would have taken my son off the gravel regardless of people being around, but I cannot comprehend this man‘s actions.

I’ve got thick skin, so tell me how it is if I’m wrong.

OP posts:
QuaintMauveCrow · 07/09/2025 20:26

You are not in the wrong op, this man’s behaviour was appalling! It sounds like you’re response was very level headed and I can’t say I would of reacted as calmly 💛

QuaintMauveCrow · 07/09/2025 20:26

florence1234567 · 07/09/2025 19:49

Can't believe people are defending this horrible man

Me either!

Cherryontop56 · 07/09/2025 20:26

Im actually shocked at most of the responses.

The OP’s toddler ran over gravel where he shouldn’t have . Big deal! It doesn’t make her a bad parent , it’s a public space - and no one has the right to shout let alone swear at a toddler !

This is the issue with this country- there’s such little tolerance for children and families. I bet if this was a dog the responses would be different!

EsmeSusanOgg · 07/09/2025 20:30

Fridgetapas · 07/09/2025 19:19

Oh you stop. Shoddy parenting indeed..her toddler run onto some stones and her husband picked him up. Hardly the crime of the century.

Agree. If it is the bit I think it is, a fast moving toddler could easily end up on it within the blink of an eye. You pick them up and move on.

Slowdownyouredoingfine · 07/09/2025 20:30

Lol mumsnet is wildddd sometimes. Man haters in general, and if your husband had said that to your son they’d be screaming LTB, he’s so abusive.., but because it involves your child daring to do something to maybe, at best, mildly inconvenience someone else he was well within he’s rights to be absolutely furious apparently… Guy needs to get a life… toddler does something they shouldn’t before a parent intervenes… shock bloody horror. I really hate how intolerant of children the uk is!!

Robin67 · 07/09/2025 20:30

Renoonabudget · 07/09/2025 20:12

OP your child is at a gorgeous age, (mine got away from me a few times at that age too) and the man was a totally obnoxious, misogynistic cunt. I hope he gets his balls trapped in his zip in the public loos and you had a lovely rest of your day as a family. Xx

I second this post

the5thgoldengirl · 07/09/2025 20:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

AintNoPunshineWhenShesGone · 07/09/2025 20:33

The man then continues “What is wrong with you Karen? Parent your children. You need to have boundaries. What is wrong with you? You are a terrible parent!”

Gosh, quite a mouthful that, isn't it?

Limehawkmoth · 07/09/2025 20:46

applegingermint · 07/09/2025 18:52

No one should be swearing at a toddler, ever, but it’s definitely not okay to let your child run into places they shouldn’t be. Your husband shouldn’t have let it happen in the first place. 18 month olds don’t move that fast.

Actually my 18 month year old (now 31) moved like a sprinter at that age. He was the grand escape artist.

however, you are right that child should not have been allowed to run across gravel .

and that is why we used reins. And why more people should . I know a lot of people are against them, but honestly we’d have been stressed all the time with the risk of him doing a runner

anyone with a modicum of knowledge around Japanese gardens know that an overriding principle is “perfection” in a precise pattern. The raked gravel is an art “karesanui“. So, no one should walk on it except with the rake. Now, in fairness Kew should put some form of barrier like rope to indicate it’s not to be walked on, and if they don’t then they’re asking for trouble.

however, mum does seem to be a “can’t” and “won’t” approach to training her 18 month year old …reins are a very good way to stop a child running, and allowing time to explain why they can’t just go where they want, and realising when reins are off they can run like the wind wherever they like.

was the bloke right to shout and swear at kid? Nope. Clearly he was abusive to mum and child. Id have reported him frankly. Or assumed he had some mental health issue, drunk or something, Becuase it is so extreme.

but mum is doing the poor me, we can’t do anything. Yes she can. Reins.

Limehawkmoth · 07/09/2025 20:49

Alwayssnacking · 07/09/2025 19:22

Oh my word, can't believe some of the pp. 18m olds are fast! As soon as he got on the stones one of the parents went to remove him. That's it done. Everything is fine. You followed the rules just lost a tiny bit of control for a second and no one can say that has never happened to them with watching a toddler. The man was completely in the wrong, he should not be talking to anyone like that never mind a toddler !! I'm with you OP all the way

Edited

This is why reins were invented.
why the heck do people not use them

particularly given small children are magnetically attracted to sticks and small stones at that age.

Alwayssnacking · 07/09/2025 20:56

Limehawkmoth · 07/09/2025 20:49

This is why reins were invented.
why the heck do people not use them

particularly given small children are magnetically attracted to sticks and small stones at that age.

I don't like reigns.. I can understand why some people do like them especially around roads. However she was in a national park, give the kid some freedom to run around. The op is clearly a responsible parent ( even with the momentary lapse of her toddler running on the gravel ) because firstly she takes her kids out for fresh air and secondly removed her child when they were somewhere they should not be and sounds like she would have apologised it the man had not been aggressive. If the toddler was constantly doing things like this then I get it. This is just one instance that we have been made aware of.

Tontostitis · 07/09/2025 20:56

Reins

ShowMeTheSushi · 07/09/2025 20:59

Cherryontop56 · 07/09/2025 20:26

Im actually shocked at most of the responses.

The OP’s toddler ran over gravel where he shouldn’t have . Big deal! It doesn’t make her a bad parent , it’s a public space - and no one has the right to shout let alone swear at a toddler !

This is the issue with this country- there’s such little tolerance for children and families. I bet if this was a dog the responses would be different!

How so? Classic MN deflection — kids can do no wrong, so let’s bash dogs! (Also, dogs aren’t allowed in Kew Gardens and weren’t even mentioned until you.) Most agreed the man shouldn’t have yelled, but OP was also wrong for making excuses. The Japanese Garden is meant to be quiet and relaxing, not a free-for-all for toddlers. And of course, the problem is always “this country.” The world doesn’t revolve around your gorgeous children. The bloke probably just wanted a peaceful stroll in the Japanese garden, not a kids’ area served with a side of entitled behaviour.

AnnaSunshine · 07/09/2025 21:23

Charabanc · 07/09/2025 19:08

The type who knows Kew Gardens well enough to know that they should have been holding the toddler's hand, or carrying him, when they went into the Japanese garden.

A Japanese garden is all about calm and quiet contemplation of the beautiful patterns.

You have two children - one to each parent. But you let your indulgence of your son spoil the garden for others.

Just to be really clear: my son was with my husband and this man decided to have a go at me.

Cool if that’s your position. I’ll go back to my surprise about the casual misogyny.

OP posts:
OonaStubbs · 07/09/2025 21:29

The man was OOT but you were in the wrong OP.

Mercurial123 · 07/09/2025 21:32

You're both wrong. You need to supervise your child until they are old enough to behave appropriately.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/09/2025 21:32

He does sound awful and definitely shouldn’t have been shouting at you or your toddler. Never acceptable.

And I’m sure it was misogynistic that he directed his ranting at you and not your husband.

I do think your husband should have been able to get your toddler off the gravel a bit sooner though. It probably looked like neither of you were doing anything about your toddler being on there - or nothing effective. Doesn’t excuse the ranting or swearing but still I think you both could have done more.

Rather than telling the man about cognitive development, when the his original comments were to you and not your son.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/09/2025 21:35

Limehawkmoth · 07/09/2025 20:49

This is why reins were invented.
why the heck do people not use them

particularly given small children are magnetically attracted to sticks and small stones at that age.

Reins would defeat the entire object of being in an outdoor space to run around.

Yes the parents should have reacted quicker to the toddler being in the gravel, or perhaps should have avoided that area, but reins in a park / garden type environment is ridiculous.

Sparklesandspandexgallore · 07/09/2025 21:36

Why didn’t he call your out? he was the one in charge of ds.
Your dh should have stopped him going onto the stones.

AnnaSunshine · 07/09/2025 21:38

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/09/2025 21:32

He does sound awful and definitely shouldn’t have been shouting at you or your toddler. Never acceptable.

And I’m sure it was misogynistic that he directed his ranting at you and not your husband.

I do think your husband should have been able to get your toddler off the gravel a bit sooner though. It probably looked like neither of you were doing anything about your toddler being on there - or nothing effective. Doesn’t excuse the ranting or swearing but still I think you both could have done more.

Rather than telling the man about cognitive development, when the his original comments were to you and not your son.

I gave you a fairly verbatim transcript of what I did say.

Some people said it was odd and I laughed when I read that because it was. At the time though, I was shocked and pretty intimidated to have a big bloke shouting at me. I was trembling when I walked off.

Fairly sure that would be most people’s response to being shouted at.

Not my best thinking or words, but as the situation had already been resolved (and not by me) I was really taken aback.

OP posts:
WilfredsPies · 07/09/2025 21:39

Obviously the man was a massive twat for shouting at a two year old.

But you two also need to bear some responsibility for this. You sound like you know this place very well. And anyone who has ever had any dealings with a two year old knows that somewhere that ‘is right by a footpath and looks a bit like a sandpit’ is going to be irresistible to a child of that age. If you can’t anticipate that he’s going to make a bee line for it, because that’s what two year olds do, then you either need to put him in a set of reins or you or your DH need to be carrying him until you’re past the area. And if you can’t or won’t do either of those things, then the man was right (although he should have directed it at both of you, not just you). What was your DH’s response to the man having a go at you? Did he invite him to express his opinions to him?

What do you do on a busy main road?

WilfredsPies · 07/09/2025 21:42

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/09/2025 21:35

Reins would defeat the entire object of being in an outdoor space to run around.

Yes the parents should have reacted quicker to the toddler being in the gravel, or perhaps should have avoided that area, but reins in a park / garden type environment is ridiculous.

😂 Of course they wouldn’t defeat the object. You use the reins in areas like this, and when there’s space to run about with no areas that toddlers shouldn’t be running on, you tie them up so they can’t trip over, and let them run free.

What’s ridiculous is the concept that some parents can’t seem to grasp when it is and isn’t appropriate to use them.

Threepeaks2025 · 07/09/2025 21:42

He was wrong.

You are ignorant. Do you let your children run on a busy road? Stop traffic?

AnnaSunshine · 07/09/2025 21:43

Not meaning to diminish your view point, but this is clearly not the same as allowing a toddler to run into a road. That is reductive.

OP posts:
cosmos1001 · 07/09/2025 21:44

This reply has been deleted

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Mean! 🤦‍♀️

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