To be angry at ex hiding cancer diagnosis?

[PlainJaneBrain]

After 25+ years together we’ve been separated for 2 and half years now but remained very close and dependent on each other not least as co-parents, but aside from living in different house and flat from each other, we probably usually spend more time in each others’ company than we did when we were together.

We saw less of each other over summer than we normally do and I thought that was just down to our holidays and the kids not aligning particularly well. But I found out on Friday that he was diagnosed with stage 3 prostate cancer at the end of July and has had several rounds of radiotherapy. He didn’t tell anyone except someone he works with so he could take time off (he’s actually self employed and told this other person so they could cover his work when needed). But he didn’t tell me, his own Mum, siblings or anyone else. I found out almost by accident (snooping in his post while at his flat). I ended up confronting him and he was just so bloody casual about it it’s really upset me and made me angry.

I wouldn’t mind but when we were together he was the world’s worst hypochondriac and now he’s like “it’s no one’s business and who cares anyway”. He’s lost quite a bit of weight and obviously lied to me about that saying he was dieting.

I know he doesn’t believe it but he still means the world to me and I’m gutted he doesn’t want me to go through this with him.

AIBU to think 1. He should have told me, and 2. He should keep me updated? We have two early teen kids.

YABU, he’s your ex. His diagnosis is his business, not your entitlement, and he doesn’t owe you medical updates. People with cancer often keep it private to cope on their own terms, it’s not about shutting you out, it’s about survival. Snooping in his post then getting angry isn’t concern, it’s control - and bang out of order!

I know why you're so angry.

Because he just showed you in the most major way that he's not nearly as close and dependent on you as you've been telling yourself. You're not separated. You're split up. He's distanced himself from you and that's why you were snooping, to find out why. You want to stay enmeshed and he doesn't.

Think about what you did. Of course he doesn't want you to go through this with him, you showed him exactly why not. You confronted a man with diagnosed cancer who underwent treatment and made it all about you. That's selfish and toxic and the opposite of supportive.

Do you want to get back together? X

You’d never cross my doorstep again if you snooped in my post - shocking behaviour, no wonder you’re divorced.

That's disgusting that you've gone and snooped through his posts and your attitude is incredibly selfish. He probably would have told you and everyone else when he has come to terms with it. You should be more worried about what comes next for your ex and your kids potentially losing their Dad so young, which I believe is quite likely with a stage 3 and how they will cope not your feelings about not being told immediately. Yabvu!

He’s your ex. His medical conditions are none of your business.

Sorry to hear he’s unwell. Poor man. Radiotherapy is such difficult treatment.

If he was for palliative treatment then I suppose you would expect him to discuss plans with you relating to the children’s future. However, he’s most likely having curative treatment and therefore, he may not wish to share this with someone who is no longer a priority in his life.

The fatigue will be difficult for him as he moves through his treatment but if this isn’t impacting on how he cares for the children then there are no issues here.

It’s so important to respect him and his right for confidentiality. Please be kind to him. I wonder if your anger around this is really your sadness turned outwards? Must be quite a shock for you. I did wonder what you were hoping to find in his mail in the first place.

Hope the children are ok in all of this.

Take care.

I know he doesn’t believe it but he still means the world to me and I’m gutted he doesn’t want me to go through this with him.

Was it his choice to divorce or yours?

If you still feel this ^ for him, why are you not together?

It sounds as if he's moved on and you've not.

I understand why you feel like you do, because of the effect that it will have on your children. I also understand that this reaction comes from a place of fear, not malice. But you really shouldn't be snooping and he should be able to deal with this illness in his own way. I really do understand how you feel though. This is your first reaction, it won't be the most prevailing one.

If he was for palliative treatment then I suppose you would expect him to discuss plans with you relating to the children’s future.

Stage 3 cancer is often curable.
If he's had radiotherapy he's likely going to be okay but will presumably be on meds for 2 years. These meds make men very tired.

We've (sadly) a few friends going through prostate cancer treatment at the moment.

Don’t make this about you.

This reaction is the last thing he needs to be dealing with.

Sort yourself out ffs!

OP does say 'separated' so not clear if they are divorced or were married.

Indeed. The survival rate for stage III prostate cancer is north of 95%.

It’s absolutely not time to start making plans for the children or preparing them for his possible death.

it looks like you were snooping through his post out of sheer nosiness, you didn’t have any suspicions or concerns.
i hope your ex bans you from his home

Newsflash, this isn't about you.

I kept my diagnosis quiet and only told my closest friends. Several of my workmates didn't know why I was off until I returned and had no hair.

He can tell, or not tell, whoever he wants. You are no longer his wife and his priority is no doubt to get well. Shame on you for snooping too.

As someone who has had a cancer diagnosis it is entirely that person’s choice how they deal with that diagnosis. I would hope that a partner or parent might share this so I could support them but I have no right to know and neither do you.

Maybe thinking he was the world's worst hypochondriac didn't endear him to you or think it's worth discussing his health with you, he owes you nothing.

If there's one person most people won't discuss personal details with, it's their ex!

Plenty time to go in full details if things go bad and unfortunately the kids have to be told, and arrangements have to be made.

Early stage of treatment? Hell no. You are an ex for a reason.

People are being quite harsh towards you. Obviously it’s not ok to look at his post. But I think it’s understandable that you’re angry/in shock, especially as you have children and were together for so long. However, you should try to let that anger go. He’s not your partner any more.

I'm not surprised he didn't tell you. He's had a lucky escape.

They weren't married, she cheated on him, they split then got back together for a while, kids are grown up, ex never trusted her again or got over her cheating, she still gets jealous and expects him to pander to her demands, it's all in her previous posts.

Sounds like a melodrama.

She's an ex because she cheated on him

Gosh OP I really feel for you, how awful to be going through this…..! Your ex on the other hand, sounds like he’s having an easy time do it and really should be thinking about your feelings.

His illness, his decision about who he tells.

End of discussion, absolutely nothing more to say.

It. Is. Not. About. YOU.