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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry at ex hiding cancer diagnosis?

233 replies

PlainJaneBrain · 07/09/2025 16:06

After 25+ years together we’ve been separated for 2 and half years now but remained very close and dependent on each other not least as co-parents, but aside from living in different house and flat from each other, we probably usually spend more time in each others’ company than we did when we were together.

We saw less of each other over summer than we normally do and I thought that was just down to our holidays and the kids not aligning particularly well. But I found out on Friday that he was diagnosed with stage 3 prostate cancer at the end of July and has had several rounds of radiotherapy. He didn’t tell anyone except someone he works with so he could take time off (he’s actually self employed and told this other person so they could cover his work when needed). But he didn’t tell me, his own Mum, siblings or anyone else. I found out almost by accident (snooping in his post while at his flat). I ended up confronting him and he was just so bloody casual about it it’s really upset me and made me angry.

I wouldn’t mind but when we were together he was the world’s worst hypochondriac and now he’s like “it’s no one’s business and who cares anyway”. He’s lost quite a bit of weight and obviously lied to me about that saying he was dieting.

I know he doesn’t believe it but he still means the world to me and I’m gutted he doesn’t want me to go through this with him.

AIBU to think 1. He should have told me, and 2. He should keep me updated? We have two early teen kids.

OP posts:
TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 07/09/2025 19:15

@Aniedu Have you posted on the wrong thread?

Rosscameasdoody · 07/09/2025 19:15

I had a breast cancer diagnosis last year - stage 3. I was very selective about who I told, and chose not to tell my partner the full nature of the diagnosis until I was sure it hadn’t spread and treatment was successful. OP, kindly, this isn’t about you. It’s a very strange feeling sitting across the room from someone who is telling you you have cancer - l know one in two people will be diagnosed with it at some stage in their lives, but it’s still something you think of happening to other people. You don’t know how you will react until it happens to you and you have no right to be angry he kept it from you.

WaitWhatWhatWait · 07/09/2025 19:19

I found out almost by accident (snooping in his post while at his flat)...
You didn't find out by accident, you were snooping!! If I was him, I'd be so angry at you. How dare you?!

ShodAndShadySenators · 07/09/2025 19:28

"I found out almost by accident snooping in his post while at his flat". Fixed that for you OP.

This is an extremely despicable thing to do. Other people's private medical records are PRIVATE. That means you are not supposed to go sticking your beak in where it doesn't belong. It doesn't matter how close you think you are. It doesn't matter that you have a couple of kids together. It's HIS information, not yours.

I can't believe you have the audacity to be angry with him. You've got the brassiest neck in the world. Wind it in and leave him alone if you can't behave with decency towards him.

TreatTreat · 07/09/2025 19:32

PlainJaneBrain · 07/09/2025 16:06

After 25+ years together we’ve been separated for 2 and half years now but remained very close and dependent on each other not least as co-parents, but aside from living in different house and flat from each other, we probably usually spend more time in each others’ company than we did when we were together.

We saw less of each other over summer than we normally do and I thought that was just down to our holidays and the kids not aligning particularly well. But I found out on Friday that he was diagnosed with stage 3 prostate cancer at the end of July and has had several rounds of radiotherapy. He didn’t tell anyone except someone he works with so he could take time off (he’s actually self employed and told this other person so they could cover his work when needed). But he didn’t tell me, his own Mum, siblings or anyone else. I found out almost by accident (snooping in his post while at his flat). I ended up confronting him and he was just so bloody casual about it it’s really upset me and made me angry.

I wouldn’t mind but when we were together he was the world’s worst hypochondriac and now he’s like “it’s no one’s business and who cares anyway”. He’s lost quite a bit of weight and obviously lied to me about that saying he was dieting.

I know he doesn’t believe it but he still means the world to me and I’m gutted he doesn’t want me to go through this with him.

AIBU to think 1. He should have told me, and 2. He should keep me updated? We have two early teen kids.

You snooping in his post is unforgivable. He probably knows what a self centred arse you are and that's why he didn't tell you. How about letting him deal with this his own way?

Tartantotty · 07/09/2025 19:33

Snooping is gross. Can't believe you posted this

Emptyandsad · 07/09/2025 19:37

You've rather had your arse handed to you on a plate, OP

But I get how you feel. When someone you love falls sick you go through the 5 stages of dealing with grief/shock. And it has been a shock for you.

Yeah you shouldn't have been snooping, but you still have a very close relationship and its hard to get out of the habit of feeling like you share everything. It sounds as if you havent really put any boundaries in place to define your new relationship.

But in the end, you're going to have to play this by his rules. It's his cancer, not yours and you are just a side show here. He's no.1, your kids are no.2 and you will have an important role to play in helping them deal with it.

It's not necessarily a death sentence, so talk to him and really listen to what he wants

Good luck

Bikergran · 07/09/2025 19:38

His cancer, his coping mechanisms, none of your damned business.

Lulubo1 · 07/09/2025 19:47

Cancer diagnosis is an incredibly difficult thing to process and everyone is different. I speak from experience. My DH has been diagnosed with cancer and we have a toddler and I'm pregnant. There are family members he hasn't told because he's still processing the fact he's going to be on chemo for life. The fact you have made this about yourself is sickening and disgusting. You do not know the toll a cancer diagnosis has on a person. He will have his reasons, maybe his reasons were that you would just make his diagnosis about yourself. In that case, he was right not to tell you.

LaughingCat · 07/09/2025 19:47

I’m seriously shocked at the lack of self awareness in the original post. OP - please get it removed and think about potentially apologising to your ex: for snooping, for confronting him about what you found and for then making it all about you and how it makes you feel.

I appreciate you were in shock but jeez, your actions and reactions have been well out of line so far.

Edited: to clarify I meant the OP, not all the comments on the thread.

nosleepforme · 07/09/2025 19:48
  1. youre not together, he has no commitment to you and owes you no explanation
  2. stop invading his privacy, what you did is wrong
  3. stop making someone else’s cancer about your feelings

this is all just so wrong.

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 07/09/2025 19:48

shuggles · 07/09/2025 16:53

@PlainJaneBrain I found out almost by accident (snooping in his post while at his flat).

I believe this is illegal.

Can anyone confim whether it's illegal to go through someone else's mail?

Yes it is.

Katheclepto · 07/09/2025 20:16

There’s a reason you’re divorced

Cynic17 · 07/09/2025 20:26

How dare you read someone's post, OP! I would never read my husband's post, nor he mine - and we're still married.
Some people need time to process information, or to find out more about how it's going to affect them, so he is quite right to keep this to himself. You need to treat this man with much more respect.

mummytrex · 07/09/2025 20:40

You're Unbelievably unreasonable. It's HIS diagnosis to process and deal with how he wants. Do you have form for being so self obsessed? It could explain why he has elected not to keep you in the loop. There are of course so many other reasons why he has kept it to himself.

WooleyMunky · 07/09/2025 20:42

OP are you Katie Price, or Hopkins, or Piers 'Morgan' Moron?
You are a dreadful attention whore.

WooleyMunky · 07/09/2025 20:43

Coffeeishot · 07/09/2025 18:55

Sounds like a melodrama.

Show quote history

Sounds like see you next Tuesday...

Coffeeishot · 07/09/2025 20:48

WooleyMunky · 07/09/2025 20:43

Sounds like see you next Tuesday...

Show quote history

Oh 😂

Letsgoroundagainnow · 07/09/2025 20:48

WooleyMunky · 07/09/2025 20:42

OP are you Katie Price, or Hopkins, or Piers 'Morgan' Moron?
You are a dreadful attention whore.

Attention whore proper made me laugh!!

ruethewhirl · 07/09/2025 20:56

Yeah, sorry OP, if you care about him this really isn't the way to show it.

backandforthup · 07/09/2025 20:57

Well, this is different

jbm16 · 07/09/2025 21:00

Sounds like you are still friends, and having children obviously means you have still have a relationship, but I think after a divorce there are different boundaries, and he clearly see's his health as being one of them, sounds like he didn't tell anyone, so not just you, perhaps he was dealing with it in his own way?

myrtleWilson · 07/09/2025 21:04

How are your children early teens when on other threads you describe them as 'practically adults' 'off to university' - were you playing a sympathy card?

RapunzelHadExtensions · 07/09/2025 21:08

myrtleWilson · 07/09/2025 21:04

How are your children early teens when on other threads you describe them as 'practically adults' 'off to university' - were you playing a sympathy card?

INTERESTING 🤔

WaitWhatWhatWait · 07/09/2025 21:19

Another ridiculous Opening Post and no sign of the OP returning - way too many of them these days!

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