Boyfriend drinks too much

[Michrose]

I am 47 and been seeing my boyfriend who is 55 for almost a year . Kids get in well with him and I get on with his kids. He is loving , caring , generous , does lots for me . He is at second stage of divorce and their house is on the market . He sleeps in his old daughters room as she moved out . However he likes a drink . I didn't think too much ti start with but it's starting to put me off. Then when he is sober and being helpful etc I feel ok. Examples are he gets drunk but won't stop drinking . Pisses all over my toilet floor , stares at me with his tongue out. Drops tobacco all over my floor. He is never nasty . Times when I'm certain he has had a drink before he comes over as gets drunk too quickly on small beers. He showed me a clip of him falling over drunk on the pavement of him before we met and was laughing , then yesterday one his daughters showed me a photo of him being carried it on stretcher by paramedics when he was drunk once and fell down stairs . She showed me because at the bbq yesterday he fell of his grandsons balance bike and cut his leg. He was staggering and stuffing spicy food in his mouth and trying to kiss me .x his other daughter stopped him drinking and has said in past he should stop. I have found my peace after an awful divorce . I have my own house for me and my children . I need peace . He brings me calm often and so good with the kids but everytime he gets drunk which every weekend it puts me off . At times he is down the cricket club texting me which I like but he repeats himself and says he isn't drunk . Then later says he is , I had one night out with my friend to see a tribute band and he didn't like it , saying i was mugging him off . He isn't a cruel person and never been horrible. He has not once let me down . He later said I should go out and his own insecurities , I can't help how I feel when he is drunk it puts me off and I worry he won't stop and I can't settle down with someone who gets silly when drunk .

He may be a lovely man, but he is also a man who is misusing alchohol.

He and his adult children have told and shown you very clearly who he is .
If you stay with him your child will see this eventually , as his own children have.
He has made excuses as to why he drinks and why he has become drunk , he is not acknowledging his responsibility for his own behaviour.

Your experience of your father may make you , in some way , more comfortable with drinking issues and if he isn't drinking in the same way as your father you may also minimise it .
You are not living together so you cannot determine the true extent of his drinking.

Its a fairly new relationship and you have to decide if you want to risk a lifetime of pain by staying with him .
He is unlikely to change in the long term .

I'm just saying that divorce is half way there and not going to go court. But house could take ages to sell and they live in same house still

I had one night out with my friend to see a tribute band and he didn't like it , saying i was mugging him off

This is a massive red flag. You've said he's been nothing but lovely and kind to you, but then it turns out he got annoyed and accused you of 'mugging him off' because you went out for ONE NIGHT with a friend? He's not lovely and kind, then, is he?

OP, he has a very serious problem with alcohol, he is going through a messy divorce (which he is blaming entirely on his ex despite the fact that his drunken behaviour is appalling) and he still lives with his wife.

You are being very, very naive if you think this man is a good relationship prospect. He's not. He's a walking red flag. Seriously.

You don't need to go to Court to divorce, but a Court is still required to finish the paperwork.

So i still don't know what you mean by 2nd stage / half way there ?

This man has so many red flags, you really need to think about yourself and your young daughter. You're being a mug.

He can't handle his booze. For someone that age that's a clear sign of alcoholism. Basically he's always on the brink of being totally pissed as he's constantly got so much alcohol in his system.

It's terrible that he acted so jealous when you said you were going to a gig with friends. That for me is the thing that rings the biggest alarm bell about his personality.

His alcoholism is what it is. He won't stop just because you ask him to. It's probably got gradually worse over many years. Maybe his relationships in the past ended because of it.

Ultimately I think you should spilt up. He's not stable, he embarrassed you and acts disgusting when drunk and is also showing a horribly possessive streak.

He wouldn't / couldn't / didn't lay off the booze for his own wife and children.

Why on earth do you think he'd do that for you and another man's kids?

He'll be needing somewhere to live when she finally gets shot of him.

All those empty promises are geared to getting his feet under your table.

Tag. You're It.

Everything you've been told will happen throughout this entire thread is a stone cold forecast.

Something a counsellor told me that I find helpful is not to use the term 'alcoholic' but to use the term 'drink problem' instead.
She said that if you tell someone that they are an alcoholic you can get into endless arguments where they say they aren't one because they only drink at weekends or when they're stressed or whatever.
A drink problem is when alcohol is causing any kind of problem. It can be a health problem, relationship problem or money problem. She said that thinking and saying that your drinking is causing me problems simplifies the situation.

Yeah court still has to stamp it.

OP, I mean this kindly, but on MN the women who claim their children come first, see nothing, are the most loved and happiest, are always the women with the controlling, manipulative, drunken abusers.
They desperately swat away the posts telling them to dump the loser, keep the loser away from your children, you deserve better....etc.

They always claim to be confused and unsure.
Post after post defending them and rewriting how awful it is.

He's a drunken, alcoholic loser, who isn't even divorced.

The tongue hanging out image, the pissing on the floor, his drunken antics that his kids are aware of? So grim. So cringe.

Is that really all you want and deserve?
We all feel very sorry for your children, and that you are so confused about doing the right thing.

When it comes to children, good mothers who really put their children first, are NEVER confused.

They see a hint of bullshit and they dump, because it is completely unfathomable to them that their children would be ever near such a person.

You are the child of an alcoholic.
Want more for your children than what you had.

They deserve more than you experienced.

Well he has had 4 holidays without me. Because I can't get childcare. One he had booked when just met to visit his son in oz for 3 weeks , then he wnet turkey last minute . His daughter Said why don't her come and help her and her husband and her husbands parents went. Then he took his three youngest away but I took mine away but he said he can't come with us and not take his kids but had he introduced them we could have all gone . Then he booked Australia again. He asked me but I said I can't go as can't why child are for two weeks and it's a long way to leave my youngest even if I could. So he booked it anyway and taking his 2 adult children. I woudl have liked us to have a holiday with kids so didn't have to worry about child care , he said he won't take another holiday again without me. So again I'm waiting .

He isnt like that round my children . He is good with them . Well they others are adult and teens . I have a 7 year old . It's when they are not around or in bed and don't use same toilet but o feel he is going through a divorce and I don't need it

What an utterly depressing thread this is.

Then don't be on it . I am allowed to speak out when I have no one to turn to

You have come here to ask for advice and have been ignoring comments made. Unanimous comments.
And thats obviously your choice, but yes it is depressing that you will likely choose to subject your children to a life with an abusive alcoholic.

It is depressing because you’re saying you need help and support. You’re clearly not happy dealing with this drunk but at the same time you’re defending him and excusing his behaviour.

Oh dear. I stopped at pissing all over your bathroom floor and staring at you with his tongue out. I reckon you could do better.

They have only just decided to out house on market as beofre he was going to move out until youngest was 18 then sell. Now she is with someone and he is with me they are selling but that could take along time and divorce only second stage .

OP, do you think he'll be angling to live with you? It might be a good idea think about what you want to say if he asks.

But you're not listening, you're defending him and making excuses for having him in your life.

Is he planning on moving straight from his ex's house to yours?

Please wake up and see what your daughter's life is going to be like.

Over the years (especially when he was playing rugby regularly) my DH would sometimes come home much the worse for wear, however he never missed the toilet & pissed on the floor (or if he did, I didn't know because he cleaned it up), he's never been falling-down drunk and never even tipsy in the company of people under the age of 18.

The point is that your relationship is relatively new, it will never be better than it is now.

So he's 'cut down' what does that mean when he gets drunk about once a week? - does he mean that he used to get that drunk twice a week? Three times a week? Him saying that he's not alcohol dependent is no indication of his alcohol use - alcohol dependent people often understate the amount that they drink.

I have a friend who's (alcohol abusing) DH used to not count the tot of brandy that he put in his morning coffee because it was only a 'tot' so didn't count, he also wouldn't count the 2 or 3 pints that he had with his lunch as it was with a meal so didn't count. He used to get through a bottle of brandy a week (in 'tots' in his morning coffee, so not such a 'tot') & God knows how much whiskey, beer, vodka etc. She's amazed at how little she spends every week in the supermarket since he died of an alcohol-related illness.

Until your DP admits to the amount that he's actually drinking and then gets help to deal with it I suggest that you take whatever he says with a pinch of salt - assume that he's drinking double what he tells you he's drinking & be prepared to leave the relationship. Substance dependence will be that person's primary relationship, you will take second place.

I'd also be careful about getting into a car that he's driving - perhaps sit in the back behind him in case he's been drinking & has an accident. That front passenger seat is the most dangerous place to sit in the case of an accident.

I do hope that things work out for you.

How many children does this guy have and how is he affording to support the younger ones, drink and head off on multiple holidays a year?
It doesn't make any sense to say that he was staying on his daughter's sofa but then went to Australia for three weeks.
Apart from the drinking, there are red flags everywhere. I'm single, your partner's age and I'd run a mile if a man I was dating told me the story you've been hearing.

Many people drink large amounts of alcohol a day (or take Class A drugs) and are able to carry on working and being successful in their jobs. Some industries are famous for their drinking culture - (journalism and Stock Market traders for example) they are able to function because they leave their 'hard' drinking (or drug use) for evenings & weekends.

Yes I said he has a drink problem . I haven't said alcoholic. He said he will stop but I don't think he will

No he moved bacj into his house when one of his daughters moved out and has her room. So he isn't back and fourth sorting kids out. Until house is sold and he can buy a flat . When I met him he was daughters sofa paying her house keep and he said he was divorcing but it hasn't even been filed . It's happening now and house is up for sale now .

His son lives out In Australia .he just paid air fair. Was all booked before we met but him and his girls are going November to see him. I can't go as no child care . So they are all excited and telling me themselves but it's another holiday I'm not on with him.