Boyfriend drinks too much

[Michrose]

I am 47 and been seeing my boyfriend who is 55 for almost a year . Kids get in well with him and I get on with his kids. He is loving , caring , generous , does lots for me . He is at second stage of divorce and their house is on the market . He sleeps in his old daughters room as she moved out . However he likes a drink . I didn't think too much ti start with but it's starting to put me off. Then when he is sober and being helpful etc I feel ok. Examples are he gets drunk but won't stop drinking . Pisses all over my toilet floor , stares at me with his tongue out. Drops tobacco all over my floor. He is never nasty . Times when I'm certain he has had a drink before he comes over as gets drunk too quickly on small beers. He showed me a clip of him falling over drunk on the pavement of him before we met and was laughing , then yesterday one his daughters showed me a photo of him being carried it on stretcher by paramedics when he was drunk once and fell down stairs . She showed me because at the bbq yesterday he fell of his grandsons balance bike and cut his leg. He was staggering and stuffing spicy food in his mouth and trying to kiss me .x his other daughter stopped him drinking and has said in past he should stop. I have found my peace after an awful divorce . I have my own house for me and my children . I need peace . He brings me calm often and so good with the kids but everytime he gets drunk which every weekend it puts me off . At times he is down the cricket club texting me which I like but he repeats himself and says he isn't drunk . Then later says he is , I had one night out with my friend to see a tribute band and he didn't like it , saying i was mugging him off . He isn't a cruel person and never been horrible. He has not once let me down . He later said I should go out and his own insecurities , I can't help how I feel when he is drunk it puts me off and I worry he won't stop and I can't settle down with someone who gets silly when drunk .

He has said to me before that he feels better not drinking and wants to stop. Also it's not him that plays football it's his 13 year old son . So after that he goes to a cricket club one of the football dads is a member of

OP why are you so desperate to keep him?
You have dc.
Why on earth do you feel he is a good fit for your life and a good role model for your dc?
It's not like he's the father of your dc and you have years invested in the relationship and a house etc together and you're trying for dc to keep the family together. FGS get some self esteem. Why do you want chaos in your life? Why do you want it for your dc?
It's mind boggling that you haven't walked.

If he wanted to stop then he would. He’s stringing you along OP.

OP I know you feel people are getting at you.

But what's frustrating is you seem desperate to minimise this, to brush aside the unanimous concern that's being expressed and keep countering with the comment that he's fine around his kids/your kids, that his divorce is going through etc.

These are all stopgap solutions from someone who knows he has a problem with alcohol and is trying to prevent you from seeing it. And you are trying to see the best in him, which is understandable. But the bottom line is you can't afford this with alcoholics. A problem drinker is never going to present this side of himself to you until its too late.

How can you contemplate a long-term, settled relationship with someone when you know you can't trust him not to drink around your children if you're living together?

We won't be living together

He is buying a flat and his two daughter moving in . He won't be with me at all

Of course you can speak out . It.can be good to get the perspective of many random strangers to help clarify your thoughts .

The problem with" speaking out " on MN is you will get replies , opinions and advice .
Very rarely all the responses have the same viewpoint .
This is one of these very rare occasions.

He may give up drinking entirely or he may start drinking unicorn cocktails , both both are very unlikely .
The most likely path is he will hide his drinking from you until he cannot , or until the relationship even more established and and he is no longer on his " best behaviour " and you will waste many years of your life on this man .

i had a similar situation many years ago. I dated this alcoholic while divorcing his wife, poor man was in emotional turnmoil and would show up drunk at our dates (never pissed on my bathroom floor, that would have gross me out massively). He had a small car accident while driving drunk and almost run over someone (drink driving is common with alcoholics). I broke up with him as i found the whole thing really off putting. He went into rehab, got his act together, divorced, sold the house and got sober. 6 months later he contacted me again and by that time i had a lovely boyfriend.

Sometimes people are not in the right place for a relationship and that's ok. Your guy is drinking, he's in pain, he's in emotional turmoil, you're the rebound girl beating a dead horse while trying to make a proper partner out of this mess of a man.

It's not going to work.

What a mess too. You’d think they’d wait before getting into new relationships when they haven’t sorted things and whilst their kids make the adjustments the separation means for them. So selfish and unnecessary.

He is in love with me and his children say the same. They said the marriage was over for a long time. Despite all that I have so are you sure this isn't rebound.

I wouldn't say you're a rebound. It's possible to find the right person shortly after. It's obviously not good for his mh to be living with his ex.

He's in 'love with you' but pisses on your bathroom floor and gets insecure and passive aggressive when you go on girls night out, not a very healthy way of showing love to someone. It's the beginning of a relationship and he's on "promotion period" so I don't want to know what it's going to look like once his 'promotion period' is over. He should be concentrating on getting sober and dealing with his inner demons before getting into another relationship and that's why this has red flags all over. You on the other hand are wearing some big pink tinted glasses that would make Elton John look boring 👓

ok

I know you didn't call him an alcoholic, but at the start of the thread you didn't say he had a drink problem either. You were minimising his behaviour and saying he was silly when drunk. Just the fact that you are calling it a problem now is progress.
I genuinely didn't come on the thread to argue with you. Me and my kids really suffered when my ex started drinking heavily. I hate to think of any other women or children going through similar experiences.
I wish you well in the future.

Yeah been times when he as hot drunk after we have been out and then on a Sunday if his kids football got drunk at the club after . I think why two days in a row . Pouring beers back to back. The watching him get another straight out the fridge.

Unless he is very strong and stops drinking, or you are very strong and give him the boot, he will drag you into his mess. Speaking from experience, in very different situations, but that's how it works with addicts
Which is very much what he sounds like.

Obviously he's not an animal and of course there's going to be lovely bits about him as well otherwise you wouldn't be with him in the first place. But I think you're right - everything you've said about his drinking are the markers of functioning alcoholism. And it sounds like he's not maybe fully accepted how bad it actually is yet or is maybe in a bit of denial.

Couple of things jumped out at me - you mentioned he'd come to see you but you'd have suspicions that he had maybe had drinks before- how is he getting to you in those moments, is he driving? Because that's a major, major red flag if he's driving under the influence.

The other thing was when you said about having one night out and him not liking it and feeling as though you were mugging him off. Obviously his ex has had affairs which is difficult and I've been there, but it doesn't give him the right to be controlling towards a new partner. So that's another red flag.

It's good you've addressed this with him op, but I think sometimes especially with functioning alcoholism it can be a slow drip spiral into bigger issues and I think you need to really step back and think seriously now about what you want and what would your hard line be where you'd walk away. Otherwise, especially given his age, you could very easily find yourself caught in a situation that's increasingly harder to get out of.

And tbh I agree with this. I think I personally would need to see him stop completely. For many people it's just too hard to have a little and not lose the run of it and as you say he's under a lot of stress so he needs to be actively replacing this with a healthier way to cope. Just giving up the drink isn't enough on its own.

Yes I feel sad if we split up but I can't be ok the sideline of this divorce . He is drinking to get through it and I know he has always had a drink . It's hard to end it but seeing him drunk puts me off .

I don't think he can stop. Especially with divorce and house sale happening .

His problem drinking aside, it beggars belief that he can afford not one, but TWO trips to Australia, but still lives with his ex. That’s absolutely ridiculous. He could be renting a small place whilst waiting for the marital home to be sold.
Are you sure they’re actually divorcing?

Yes he showed my documents and his daughters have said. She is with someone else and has been for several months. Not the same man she had affair with.

He also does the running about for the kids so was constantly abuse . She goes to her boyfriends every night . His children have told me this too . They hardley see her but I said he has to out his foot down so it's 50/50 parenting . It's all on him and she is calling all the shots .

Why is he still living there? Do you think understand how unusual (to put it nicely) that is?

He laid into you for going out with your friend…?!

Examples are he gets drunk but won't stop drinking . Pisses all over my toilet floor , stares at me with his tongue out. Drops tobacco all over my floor.

I’m really shocked by how low your bar is.