Boyfriend drinks too much

[Michrose]

I am 47 and been seeing my boyfriend who is 55 for almost a year . Kids get in well with him and I get on with his kids. He is loving , caring , generous , does lots for me . He is at second stage of divorce and their house is on the market . He sleeps in his old daughters room as she moved out . However he likes a drink . I didn't think too much ti start with but it's starting to put me off. Then when he is sober and being helpful etc I feel ok. Examples are he gets drunk but won't stop drinking . Pisses all over my toilet floor , stares at me with his tongue out. Drops tobacco all over my floor. He is never nasty . Times when I'm certain he has had a drink before he comes over as gets drunk too quickly on small beers. He showed me a clip of him falling over drunk on the pavement of him before we met and was laughing , then yesterday one his daughters showed me a photo of him being carried it on stretcher by paramedics when he was drunk once and fell down stairs . She showed me because at the bbq yesterday he fell of his grandsons balance bike and cut his leg. He was staggering and stuffing spicy food in his mouth and trying to kiss me .x his other daughter stopped him drinking and has said in past he should stop. I have found my peace after an awful divorce . I have my own house for me and my children . I need peace . He brings me calm often and so good with the kids but everytime he gets drunk which every weekend it puts me off . At times he is down the cricket club texting me which I like but he repeats himself and says he isn't drunk . Then later says he is , I had one night out with my friend to see a tribute band and he didn't like it , saying i was mugging him off . He isn't a cruel person and never been horrible. He has not once let me down . He later said I should go out and his own insecurities , I can't help how I feel when he is drunk it puts me off and I worry he won't stop and I can't settle down with someone who gets silly when drunk .

My friend is single and he was worried I would meet someone because of his wife had affairs he got insecure

This is worrying. He's TOLD you he's already suspecting you, because he's been damaged by his ex's affairs. What do you think is likely to happen if you come home after a night out one day, he's moved in - he's going to be angling for that once the divorce is done - he's pissed - and the accusations kick off.

Your own father was an alcoholic - yet you're actually contemplating inflicting one on your own children?

Your daughter hasn't seen him drunk - yet. She will.

He gets so drunk you don't want him touching you.

OP, you and your children are worth SO much more than this. 🤦‍♀️

He’s 55! What on earth makes you think he would change to settle down now? It’s about 20 years beyond the time when he would stop drinking for the benefit of his family. And clearly he didn’t stop for his ex wife and children so why would he for you?

This is who he is Op. If that’s not ok then leave him because he will not change.

You are daft OP, I have animals and they don't piss on the floor.

We are only going by what you are telling us and what you have told is that he is an alcoholic that you have invited into your home to drink around your children. He has been so drunk, he had to be carried off in a stretcher. He has fallen off the pavement when he was drunk and down the stairs. His children have to stop him from drinking too much and you suspect he drinks before arriving at your home. When he drinks at your home and doesn't stop even when drunk. He such a fine specimen of a man that he got drunk in front of his grandson at a BBQ and fell off a balance bike and cut his leg.

The above implies a lot more than drinking once a week. And the cherry on the top is that he gets angry when you have a night out. Stop making excuses for him.

@Michrose I’m sorry if you think people are being harsh.

Many of us have been in this situation before. It never ends well when you try to minimise this.

You have a chance to get out now. Don’t wait until its too late.

I'm in my 50s and going through a difficult divorce from a heavy drinker. One of the major issues in my marriage was that he'd get really drunk on weekend nights and piss on the floor.
My exH didn't stop drinking after we split. He wouldn't agree on anything in mediation so we're looking at a difficult divorce.
Somehow he acquired a new partner. She's also in her 50s and seems to have a good job. She has adult kids. I've always wondered WTF is she thinking. They go to the pub every weekend and she drives.
OP, I think you're absolutely bonkers.
The thread has been very interesting to me as an insight into what her mindset must be.

Falling down drunk at 55?
Major turn off.
I'd end it. No negotiation. Wouldn't ask or insist he change. I'd just say the relationship's future doesn't look good to me with his level of drinking. Gotta be honest about it. But, nothing would make me continue to date him. I wouldn't leave the door open. Definitely no, We can still be friends, either. End it and block.

He’s got a problem with alcohol.

That level of drinking in front of his grandkids and your kids is completely inappropriate. That’s surely a massive no no and red flag? I’d be out.

The positives (of course there are some) do not outweigh the behaviour.

You said yourself that you're not settling down with someone who gets silly when drunk.
Do you mean that you're fine with the getting drunk part but just not the silliness?
Drunk often leads to meaness, violence, cheating, brawls so I guess silliness is better than some things.

Your DP will always get drunk.
That is the part that I could not tolerate.
Do you think he would ever breathe into a breathalizer and quit when over .02? I don't think so.

Silliness is not attractive to you, so break up.

He has text me this morning saying sorry again and he only drinks at weekends and a light weight

You don’t need his excuses. You need a sober man who doesn’t give you the ick in anyway. My ex is still drinking 25 years after I left him because of it. If he was that worried about losing you then he’d be messaging you saying he’s made a doctors appointment, or he’s looked for an AA group. He hasn’t done that, he’s just given you excuses. Be happy OP in whatever you do.

OK but again he is minimising. The behaviours you have described are not those of a “lightweight”.

“Lightweights” know how to stop and don’t need stretchering off a premises when they have drunk themselves to oblivion or failing to pee into the toilet bowl. And he’s in his mid 50s. This sort of thing is embarrassing in a 20 something. For a man of his age it’s excruciating.

Even if he does only drink at weekends, that still means in practice that the times when you are supposed to be together having fun in a relaxed way you are going to be walking on eggshells worrying about whether he is going to drink so much he will vomit or have a physical fight or have to be hospitalised. Is that really what you want?

He is going to play this down as much as possible. Its not in his interests to be upfront to you about the fact he has a drink problem.

This has no future unless he stops drinking altogether. If you really think he is capable of doing that then knock yourself out but don’t keep coming back in a circle of diminishing returns when he starts to show you the truth.

You've been justifying this mans actions through all the thread (which is a bit weird considering you opened the thread complaining about him). Truth is you're dating a guy who:

• is an alcoholic
• lives with the ex
• pisses on your floor and doesn't clean after.
• Is controlling and has jealousy issues (gets pissed of at you for going on a girls night out)
• Talks shyte about the ex.

This man has more red flags than a commie parade.🚩

So who cleans up his piss?

Thing is OP, he won’t change because as you said he finds falling over drunk funny. As an adult if I ever got drunk to the point I’d pissed on someone’s floor, fell over or been carried away on a stretcher I’d be mortified and would never drink again.

It was years ago he was put on a stretcher because they thought he broke his ankle but the imagine unsettled me

Why did you even bother to post? All you’ve done is defend his actions when people have answered your question.
He is very obviously a shit choice of potential stepdad for your kids, but you are justifying the fact that he is very clearly an alcoholic! Unbelievable.
What would I do? I’d end it until he’s enrolled in AA and has had at least 6 months sober. That’s what anyone with kids should do, at the very least.

Yeah... we will.

I'd bet a fiver he will be back pissing on your floors and staring at you with his tongue hanging out before christmas.

This thread is incredibly depressing.

I’m a lightweight.
So I drink no more than a glass or two. I don’t get shitfaced at the weekend and wee all over the floor. Never have done.
You’re making excuses for him. He doesn’t feel he has a problem. He may stop for a short while if you give an ultimatum. But if he doesn’t truly see an issue and want to stop drinking forever then he’ll eventually be back to exactly this behaviour.

No he won't. I have told him to sort himself out and I'm taking a step back.

I am not defending him at all. I'm telling you all the whole story as need someone to talk to. My kids have a dad . I feel I don't want to go through his divorce journey . Did mine for years and I feel it won't work.

Well done, OP.
However, be aware that this weekend he'll probably blame his drinking on your lack of understanding. If you get an angry text at night followed by an apologetic one the next morning then block him and forget him.

He still lives with ex . Divorce on second stage . He is there as she doenst look after kids well but the youngest is 13 not a baby. He can't afford to move out until house sold. He was on sofa at daughters house but moved back in when other daughter moved out to use her room. They have only just decided to out house on market as beofre he was going to move out until youngest was 18 then sell. Now she is with someone and he is with me they are selling but that could take along time and divorce only second stage . When I met him he said he was divorcing but it hadn't started . He is very slow at getting things done . I have been patient with him living with her still but got to point I'm not sure.

You really need to raise your standards for a multitude of reasons.

You aren't listening to any advice on the thread and there's anew red flag ever time you post.

'He is there as she doenst look after kids well '

really ?!!!

you mean that's what he says

'When I met him he said he was divorcing but it hadn't started .'

he actually told you he hadn't started a divorce, so he was a married man despite all his stories re moving in / out etc.
or was he lying to you from the start...

What do you mean about 2nd stage of a divorce ?

do you mean the difference between a degree nisi now known as a conditional order, and a degree absolute ?

It's a minimum of 6 weeks and 1 day between each of the above stages...