Boyfriend drinks too much

[Michrose]

I am 47 and been seeing my boyfriend who is 55 for almost a year . Kids get in well with him and I get on with his kids. He is loving , caring , generous , does lots for me . He is at second stage of divorce and their house is on the market . He sleeps in his old daughters room as she moved out . However he likes a drink . I didn't think too much ti start with but it's starting to put me off. Then when he is sober and being helpful etc I feel ok. Examples are he gets drunk but won't stop drinking . Pisses all over my toilet floor , stares at me with his tongue out. Drops tobacco all over my floor. He is never nasty . Times when I'm certain he has had a drink before he comes over as gets drunk too quickly on small beers. He showed me a clip of him falling over drunk on the pavement of him before we met and was laughing , then yesterday one his daughters showed me a photo of him being carried it on stretcher by paramedics when he was drunk once and fell down stairs . She showed me because at the bbq yesterday he fell of his grandsons balance bike and cut his leg. He was staggering and stuffing spicy food in his mouth and trying to kiss me .x his other daughter stopped him drinking and has said in past he should stop. I have found my peace after an awful divorce . I have my own house for me and my children . I need peace . He brings me calm often and so good with the kids but everytime he gets drunk which every weekend it puts me off . At times he is down the cricket club texting me which I like but he repeats himself and says he isn't drunk . Then later says he is , I had one night out with my friend to see a tribute band and he didn't like it , saying i was mugging him off . He isn't a cruel person and never been horrible. He has not once let me down . He later said I should go out and his own insecurities , I can't help how I feel when he is drunk it puts me off and I worry he won't stop and I can't settle down with someone who gets silly when drunk .

The worst part for me would be the ‘mugging him off’ comment when you went out - then the alcohol. He’s an alcoholic - sounds like he’s using it to help him get through the divorce.

i do understand, you love your BF but his drinking is problematic. he most likely he wont change, if he does he will need to pursue the change. Nothing or little you say and do will change him, Its a constant worry - wondering if he will fall and seriously hurt himself, wondering if he will end up with a long term condition that was avoidable if he had not drank as much.I find it all a bit embarrassing watching a grown man get drunk - its just embarrassing. I would say you find his relationship with alcohol concerning, you find when he gets drunk embarrassing. Ask if he feels he has a problem or is it something he feels he can control...See if he would be wiling to live a life with less alcohol....if he would like to change then discus that... something makes people drink to excess, could be how his ex made him feel - cpould be a million things...Discuss it - but if he says he dont see a problem, he is fine etc - then consider if you want a life of worry - its difficult...

He won't discuss it . Said he feels better when doesn't drink but then says he enjoys a drink . It's over now anyway

At 48 a guy has to bring a lot of things to the party for me to want to be in a relationship and I can be put off by even relatively minor faults. This is a HUGE, enormous, brigade of red flags. 55 year olds with drinking problems are massively unattractive. !00% would have ditched this guy the first time he was drunk and unpleasant.

You say he’s never been horrible, yet you name loads of incidents where he HAS been horrible.
Gently op, you need to open your eyes. He is gross. He is an alcoholic. He has no respect for you. He has no respect for himself or his own family (laughing about a video of him being drunk- he’s not 15 for God’s sake! No one wants to see their dad like that). He is either being childish or controlling (the concert incident). This is NOT a man who can support you emotionally. You cannot rely on him for physical support (he seem to think he’s great when he’s sober but by the sounds of it he cannot be relied on to stay sober). You are basically a cocklodger for him and will end up being his caregiver, financial aid at best (probably financial source at times) and most likely his new place of residence (because poor poor him can’t find accomodation anywhere). His drinking most likely affects his work. Does he still have his job? Maybe not much longer. Get a grip woman and have some self respect.
He might have a great personality, but he needs to sort himself out before you continue a relationship with him. By sort himself out I mean, quit drinking, possibly start going to AA, go to therapy (becauss he clearly to needs to work on a few issues), make sure he has a new roof over his head and is financially secure. There are enough guys who will get in great with your kids. That is not the main criteria that your new partner needs to meet.

He is selling house and buying a flat . Him and two of his young adult kids are moving in with him . He works . I won't be taking him on at all .

In way won’t you be taking him on? He’s got lots of problems and according to you, you’re in a good place after going through a lot yourself. I’m sure you don’t need anymore drama in your life.

Those poor girls. Who truly wants to live with their dad at 18 & 20? Let alone a dad with a drinking problem and jealousy issues.

They have likely been thoroughly trained into clearing up his messes for him so that to them it feels normal. Alcohol abuse has lasting effects on the entire family.

Glad you have decided to protect your own from this crap, OP. Onwards and upwards.

That's why I ended it today. Said I can't be sidelined on a divorce. He said sorry for being a shit boyfriend.

You are still pretending to yourself that it's all about 'the divorce' when everyone else can see that he's a drunk, His drinking is nothing to do with the divorce, or selling the house, or stress.

He's a drinker with a problem who does not want to stop. At his age he'll have fucked his liver anyway, and he won't stop, whatever promises he makes. He can't.

Yep. Still minimising and not being truthful. He needs to know what impact his drinking has.

I said he has to make compromises and n he said what compromises have you made . I don't think he can argue this one

He is saying he try's his best in his situation with helping me decorate house. He told me to pay to get it done but took him months to do it and still got three rooms to pay for . I fo appreciate his help

Typical response from someone who is alcohol dependent- he wants you to change and accept his problem drinking, rather than him actually sober up.

He wants me to be ok that he still lives with wife and divorcing and house for sale. Also he said he will have Xmas dinner with me after seeing the kids, then me , my kids and him will all go to his daughters where all kids will be . One of his adult daughters changed her mind and booked a restaurant o cannot afford it's so expensive for me and my kids and my adult kids. He has to pay for his kids. So I said I can't go I will cook still. He said then come to my daughters after . I said but it wiil be late and means all me and my lot driving there . So he said he will just come on the night to me. Just feel I'm left what's left

Have Xmas day with your kids.

if you really want to have a blended event do it before or after Xmas and have a casual buffet lunch so everyone old enough to earn their own money can contribute food. That way no one is stuck with all the cooking or all the costs. The least well off can just bring some posh crisps and dips.

but you are breaking up anyway so this is irrelevant, right?

@Michrose I said he has to make compromises and n he said what compromises have you made . I don't think he can argue this one.

Tell him it's not you pissing around on people's floors and living in his daughters couch, it's him who needs to get sorted out OP, not you. If he can't see this and in his mind "he's alright" then he lives in a parallel reality. The first step to addiction recovery is admitting to yourself you have a problem, he's not there yet, but he seems himself as some gift from the gods.

Again: this man is a commie party street parade of red flags. Dating someone like him would stress me out.

This is where you are very, very mistaken.
It is not harsh to end it at all.
Waiting for him to change or, God forbid, you trying to help him change, would be an exhausting waste of time. You really do need to give your self-esteem a check if you choose to stay with him another second.

ETA just saw OP ended relationship today. Hoping she blocks/ignores any attempts he may make to contact her and that she never tries to contact him.

@Michrose

Also he said he will have Xmas dinner with me after seeing the kids, then me , my kids and him will all go to his daughters where all kids will be . One of his adult daughters changed her mind and booked a restaurant o cannot afford it's so expensive for me and my kids and my adult kids. He has to pay for his kids. So I said I can't go I will cook still. He said then come to my daughters after . I said but it wiil be late and means all me and my lot driving there . So he said he will just come on the night to me. Just feel I'm left what's left

Why are you talking about Christmas when you have split up?

End it.
He’s a drunk who won’t change. Cut your losses.