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AIBU?

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Original poster

Boyfriend drinks too much

295 replies

Michrose · 07/09/2025 11:05

I am 47 and been seeing my boyfriend who is 55 for almost a year . Kids get in well with him and I get on with his kids. He is loving , caring , generous , does lots for me . He is at second stage of divorce and their house is on the market . He sleeps in his old daughters room as she moved out . However he likes a drink . I didn't think too much ti start with but it's starting to put me off. Then when he is sober and being helpful etc I feel ok. Examples are he gets drunk but won't stop drinking . Pisses all over my toilet floor , stares at me with his tongue out. Drops tobacco all over my floor. He is never nasty . Times when I'm certain he has had a drink before he comes over as gets drunk too quickly on small beers. He showed me a clip of him falling over drunk on the pavement of him before we met and was laughing , then yesterday one his daughters showed me a photo of him being carried it on stretcher by paramedics when he was drunk once and fell down stairs . She showed me because at the bbq yesterday he fell of his grandsons balance bike and cut his leg. He was staggering and stuffing spicy food in his mouth and trying to kiss me .x his other daughter stopped him drinking and has said in past he should stop. I have found my peace after an awful divorce . I have my own house for me and my children . I need peace . He brings me calm often and so good with the kids but everytime he gets drunk which every weekend it puts me off . At times he is down the cricket club texting me which I like but he repeats himself and says he isn't drunk . Then later says he is , I had one night out with my friend to see a tribute band and he didn't like it , saying i was mugging him off . He isn't a cruel person and never been horrible. He has not once let me down . He later said I should go out and his own insecurities , I can't help how I feel when he is drunk it puts me off and I worry he won't stop and I can't settle down with someone who gets silly when drunk .

OP posts:
Original poster
Michrose · 07/09/2025 11:41

VoodooQualities · 07/09/2025 11:15

The man you have described in your post doesn't just 'drink too much'.

He has a problem with alcohol.

People can recover from being like this, but (1) you need to find out if he wants to recover and then (2) ask yourself if you want to be with him while he goes through it.

❤️

OP posts:
smallsilvercloud · 07/09/2025 11:42

You’ve written it, you know exactly what you’ve got, no one is going to tell you you’ve got a catch there just another woman’s cast off for good reasons.

Dweetfidilove · 07/09/2025 11:43

You are unreasonable for thinking the women are here are too black and white to understand why you're in awe of an alcoholic. They just see that you're settling for a lot of hurt and disappointment; and unless you're a rehabilitation centre, why would you take this on?
Why would anyone here tell you this is the man you deserve?

GurlWithACurl · 07/09/2025 11:43

OP, there are hundreds of threads on here by women who have been in your position. They have all been told the same thing: get rid. If you stay with him you are facing heartbreak. Why would you do that to yourself and your DC? Throw this one back and find a good man who isn’t an alcoholic. In fact, spend some time having therapy to work out why you think a defective man is good enough for you! Good luck.

AllrightNowBaby · 07/09/2025 11:43

I’m sorry Op but he does seem to have a problem with alcohol and seeing him out of control and falling about and what was that thing you said about him staring at you with him tongue lolling out, would put anyone off.
Makes you wonder if that’s why his wife is getting rid of him.

CrikeyMajikey · 07/09/2025 11:45

He won’t stop drinking. Leave now.

JFDIYOLO · 07/09/2025 11:48

His daughters had decades of watching his demeaning alcoholic behaviour deteriorate.

You've picked him up very late in this slide down.

Do you know his ex? Get to know her and have a frank conversation round just why they're divorcing.

And explore some of the accounts here of women who suffered having to live with alcoholic fathers and partners.

At his age, change will be harder, he is already living with the health consequences of his actions - and you're already having to accommodate the behaviour.

In a very few years you will be his nurse - and his family will take a step back in relief that someone else is now 'it'.

Fountofwisdom · 07/09/2025 11:50

You’re happy for this man to be around your 7 yr old, when he’s reeling drunk, peeing on the bathroom floor, etc? I would not have a drunk anywhere near my child. You certainly couldn’t trust him to look after her. You are setting yourself and, more importantly, your daughter up for a lifetime of misery with this man because it only gets worse with alcoholics who are in denial.

JFDIYOLO · 07/09/2025 11:53

And that casual little I had one night out with my friend to see a tribute band and he didn't like it , saying i was mugging him off

I didn't notice it amidst the alcoholic bit on initial reading.

But add in controlling behaviour to the already unfortunate list. That too will get worse. And with alcohol fuelling it, it could be very much worse.

FOJN · 07/09/2025 11:56

This is who he is. If he didn't have a problem he would be able to control his drinking so either he's choosing not to because he doesn't care about how his drinking behaviour affects others or he can't control it which means he's an alcoholic. Alcoholism is pretty black and white. If he is an alcoholic you will never be more important than his next drink. It's not that he can't love you but he will be controlled by his addiction.

You seem to want people to sugar coat it for you so that you can justify continuing the relationship. You don't need to justify it to anyone, you just can't choose to have a relationship with an alcoholic and then play the victim. It would be different if you'd been together years and his drinking had become progressively more problematic but his drinking has been like this the whole time you've known him. If it's pissing you off after 12 months how do you think you will feel in 5 years.

You could talk to him and he might moderate for a while but it won't last if he's an alcoholic. If you don't end the relationship you are choosing to be with a man whose drinking you can't tolerate. It's up to you but with the knowledge and information you have you are now in a position to make an informed choice.

Original poster
Michrose · 07/09/2025 11:58

He is not around my 6 year old drunk. She was at her dads last night . This was when we got back from bbq. He doenst drink in week . But at weekends and doenst get drunk very weekend but most and I feel like I have to say sort it out otherwise we can't work. I told him before and he cut back . Now I'm not sure . I am thinking if mentioning aa. Also I do not need therapy . Always been fine on my own . I got with him because he is very gentle and kind man . Unfortunately the drinking is getting worse so it's put me off. If he stops it can be saved .

OP posts:
ComfortFoodCafe · 07/09/2025 11:59

Hes an controlling acoholic, its okay for him to go out but not you? Sounds like a right catch, throw him back in you can do better!

thatsnotmyusername0 · 07/09/2025 12:04

my son behaved like this between the ages of 18-20 he’s now grown up and behaves like a man.
OP leave this manchild well alone, it sounds like you’re dating a teenager

Original poster
Michrose · 07/09/2025 12:05

AllrightNowBaby · 07/09/2025 11:43

I’m sorry Op but he does seem to have a problem with alcohol and seeing him out of control and falling about and what was that thing you said about him staring at you with him tongue lolling out, would put anyone off.
Makes you wonder if that’s why his wife is getting rid of him.

No he has always been the main parent to his kids. They have told me themselves the adult ones and a mutual friend that knows them very well said the same. He still is the main parent. She had multiple affairs and got caught so he left her. I need to speak to him again and say to sort it as pushes me away .

OP posts:
SheWantsToBeMe · 07/09/2025 12:17

There are so many red flags in your OP. This will only get worse. Time to call it a day.

Sameasever · 07/09/2025 12:18

He doesn’t sound like a gentle kind man who never lets you down when he is literally staggering around, falling over thinking it’s funny, peeing on the floor, falling off a child’s bike at a family party. It’s actually quite pathetic. I am shocked at your op.

I did briefly go out with a man who had alcohol problems but was in denial. He said he wanted to cut down and not drink in the week but then he would ask me to put whisky in his coffee. He kept saying how popular he was in the pub but really everyone was laughing at his expense as he would do stupid things. I found it very off putting and unfunny and ended it after six weeks.

Nanny0gg · 07/09/2025 12:18

Michrose · 07/09/2025 11:58

He is not around my 6 year old drunk. She was at her dads last night . This was when we got back from bbq. He doenst drink in week . But at weekends and doenst get drunk very weekend but most and I feel like I have to say sort it out otherwise we can't work. I told him before and he cut back . Now I'm not sure . I am thinking if mentioning aa. Also I do not need therapy . Always been fine on my own . I got with him because he is very gentle and kind man . Unfortunately the drinking is getting worse so it's put me off. If he stops it can be saved .

How about the fact he doesn't like you going out without him?

ThisWormHasTurned · 07/09/2025 12:19

Yep I lived with this. It was awful. It wasn’t that bad at the start. The drinking got worse and worse. He pissed on the bathroom floor a few times (and yes I had to clean it up because he was too drunk and I couldn’t leave it, couldn’t have her finding it). My final straw was when he pissed on the landing. He said the next day ‘I’ve never seen you so angry’ but that wasn’t it. I just lost all respect for him. We divorced soon after. He’s still drinking. I’m much happier.
You asked if someone lived with it. Yes. It doesn’t get better. You won’t sleep when he’s been drinking for fear of him sleep walking and peeing somewhere that isn’t the loo. You’ll be taking him to A&E. You’ll stay sober in case you need to be the responsible adult. Even his daughter is warning you what he is like. Listen to her! Run like the wind.

outerspacepotato · 07/09/2025 12:20

I grew up with an alcoholic parent and then had to endure various drunken "uncles". It was horrible.

Why would you get involved with a married alcoholic, and then introduce your kids? What do you think you're setting your kids up for and modeling for them?

You say you want peace, you won't have it with this guy around.

Original poster
Michrose · 07/09/2025 12:23

FOJN · 07/09/2025 11:56

This is who he is. If he didn't have a problem he would be able to control his drinking so either he's choosing not to because he doesn't care about how his drinking behaviour affects others or he can't control it which means he's an alcoholic. Alcoholism is pretty black and white. If he is an alcoholic you will never be more important than his next drink. It's not that he can't love you but he will be controlled by his addiction.

You seem to want people to sugar coat it for you so that you can justify continuing the relationship. You don't need to justify it to anyone, you just can't choose to have a relationship with an alcoholic and then play the victim. It would be different if you'd been together years and his drinking had become progressively more problematic but his drinking has been like this the whole time you've known him. If it's pissing you off after 12 months how do you think you will feel in 5 years.

You could talk to him and he might moderate for a while but it won't last if he's an alcoholic. If you don't end the relationship you are choosing to be with a man whose drinking you can't tolerate. It's up to you but with the knowledge and information you have you are now in a position to make an informed choice.

I'm not playing the victim at all. I'm asking if I am being unreasonable that I am put off by his drinking . Is it harsh to end things over something that he could change.

OP posts:
Endofyear · 07/09/2025 12:35

I wouldn't want to be with someone who was drunk every weekend no matter how nice he is otherwise. It's your choice whether you put up with it or not. I wouldn't. He is not going to change.

Original poster
Michrose · 07/09/2025 12:47

outerspacepotato · 07/09/2025 12:20

I grew up with an alcoholic parent and then had to endure various drunken "uncles". It was horrible.

Why would you get involved with a married alcoholic, and then introduce your kids? What do you think you're setting your kids up for and modeling for them?

You say you want peace, you won't have it with this guy around.

Well that's how I am starting to feel , it's shame as we do nice things together . I have a few drinks myself but then he gets drunk after his sons football at cricket club. Then blames the other dad for saying he can't get away from him. What he does in his own time is up to him but I don't like it.

OP posts:
Allelbowsandtoes · 07/09/2025 12:47

If he can change, why hasn't he changed already? Please don't kid yourself that you're the woman who can finally help him change - he needs to do it on his own, for himself, and then start dating when he's properly ready.

As for your assertion that he's a nice man - no, he is not. He's already making steps to start controlling you (getting huffy if you go out) and then blaming it on his insecurities. I'd be interested to see how thay develops if you choose to stay with him.

Original poster
Michrose · 07/09/2025 12:49

outerspacepotato · 07/09/2025 12:20

I grew up with an alcoholic parent and then had to endure various drunken "uncles". It was horrible.

Why would you get involved with a married alcoholic, and then introduce your kids? What do you think you're setting your kids up for and modeling for them?

You say you want peace, you won't have it with this guy around.

Sorry I meant this reply to you . My children have never had various uncles. He is the only man that they have met . He is is past second stage divorce . She is with someoen and been with him several months. He is separated .

OP posts:
MySweetMaggie · 07/09/2025 12:53

Bear in mind, this is him on his best behaviour only nearly a year into your relationship. His ex wife would have some stories for you, I'm sure. He's an alcoholic and will bring the exact opposite of 'peace' to you and your children's life.