Page 9 | To think DH should share his windfall

Myy · 2025-09-07T08:25:55+00:00

I haven’t asked DH to share anything but I’d like to get your thoughts… DH has gained a windfall from investing in Crypto with his “fun money” - money we have to spend on ourselves. Although we are financially stable, I think this money could be used to pay off a substantial part of our mortgage or be used for a 1000 other things. All he has done is cash in small amounts to buy his “toys” and overpay small amounts of the mortgage AIBU to think he could be generous and share with me.

Gingernessy · 07/09/2025 14:20

Rocknrollstar · 07/09/2025 13:49

Call me old fashioned but It seems to me that if you are married money should be shared. I really don’t understand all this working out who owns what like two friends trying to sort out a bill. If he is committed to the relationship than he should want to share and invest in it.

They pay all monies into a joint account, pay bills and have an equal amount of money each to spend on there own wants.
How is he not sharing?
He's used some of his fun money to pay towards the mortgage - if you want equality then she needs to match his overpayments from her fun money.

JohnofWessex · 07/09/2025 14:29

Mustbethat · 07/09/2025 13:23

dh found out the hard way.

his first marriage everything was joint, money pooled, no individual accounts.

only to wake up one day for his then wife to tell him she wasn’t happy and he needed to leave. Once the shock had worn off it became clear she’d been having an affair and had planned everything. House had been remortgaged to reduce equity and an extension built. She chucked him out the day before sign off.

visited the bank and every single penny was gone. All their savings from the last 15 years, everything.

so yes, he’s more than happy that we have separate finances. We consider everything “family” money and there’s no counting as to who spends what, we just pay for whatever. It’s just not in a joint account. But spent exactly the same.

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That sort of behaviour would be reflected in the financial settlement assuming that the police were not involved

MyElatedUmberFinch · 07/09/2025 14:35

I also invest in Crypto and other shares with my ‘fun money’ I never think to split/share it as I am the one who has taken the risk.
Occasionally I’ll use some of it take my DH out for a posh meal or towards an extra holiday or another luxury. Other than that I keep it all, I use some to clear my DC’s mortgage and I save the rest or buy myself something (pretty rare) as I don’t need anything.

Manxexile · 07/09/2025 14:36

Apologies if this has already been said, but if he'd made a loss on crypto with his "fun money" would you have volunteered to stand half the loss, or would it all have been his?

Mustbethat · 07/09/2025 14:37

JohnofWessex · 07/09/2025 14:29

That sort of behaviour would be reflected in the financial settlement assuming that the police were not involved

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Why would the police be involved? It’s perfectly legal to take money from a joint account.

it wasn’t reflected in the settlement either as the money was gone so couldn’t be included. She got the house as there were small children and it wasn’t possible for her to raise funds to buy out dh, and the house couldn’t be sold as the proceeds wouldn’t buy a house suitable for the children.

Court said as she didn’t have the funds they couldn’t include them in the settlement.

JudgeJ · 07/09/2025 14:38

MoFadaCromulent · 07/09/2025 11:56

Absolute result for the OP with her idea of what's fair.

Get to spend your fun money on fun stuff for yourself.... Also get to spend his fun money on that you deem necessary.

Totally fair

My lovely old Physics teacher, back in the '60s said that wives have the idea 'what's yours is mine and what's mine's my own'! Similar morality.

DBD1975 · 07/09/2025 14:49

RememberBeKindWithKaren · 07/09/2025 09:32

This is another case of a marriage where the two partners are living separate financial lives. I don't get it. Why do women end up like this ?

We keep our own finances separate and have a joint account which we both pay into 50/50 for all household expenses and household purchases.
This works for us but I am and always will be financially independent, I will never rely on a man financially.

SeaAndStars · 07/09/2025 15:15

RainOnTins · 07/09/2025 12:27

A thread about not sharing money and suddenly half of MN turn into staunch traditionalists. Is it really that difficult to comprehend that making a decision to keep some, or even all money separate, can be a sensible thing?

It can definitely be a sensible thing.

It's also not difficult to understand that there are many posters in long marriages where having a shared pot has worked and continues to work for decades (40 plus years in my case). The equality, the sharing of the richer and the poorer and the 'both in this together' can be a contributor to happiness and success in some marriages. Not all, but some.

If other people are more circumspect and prudent then that's fair enough. I wouldn't have wanted to live the last 40 odd years designing my life around a scenario where one of us might leave.

Everyone situation is different.

SeaAndStars · 07/09/2025 15:17

JudgeJ · 07/09/2025 14:38

My lovely old Physics teacher, back in the '60s said that wives have the idea 'what's yours is mine and what's mine's my own'! Similar morality.

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Nice dose of misogyny dished up with the physics there.

Ellie1015 · 07/09/2025 15:27

Start investing your fun money if you want the same. Or agree to invest some joint savings with profit going to mortgage etc.

jbm16 · 07/09/2025 15:40

Winederlust · 07/09/2025 10:07

All the PPs saying 'we pool all money and share it all together'...do none of you have your own hobbies, interests or social lives that you enjoy separately to your DH? I find that more odd than having some separate 'fun money' to do with as you please (as long as both partners have some).

Some overpayments have been on the mortgage. So he has shared it.

Why don't you actually talk to him about what he intends to do with the rest (it reads from your post that he's only withdrawn a small proportion and there may be a good reason for that) and suggest some practical uses which benefit you both?

Ultimately though, it's his 'fun money' and is up to him.

Edited

What does hobbies or doing things separately have anything to do with pooling money? We have joint accounts and just spend what we want from that account, not that difficult to comprehend...

My husband has always earn high salary, and I've been SAHM and part time jobs, we don't see if as his or my money, it's our money, we contribute to the household in different ways, but we don't judge spending for small items, or large purchases we discuss.

RogerBakewell · 07/09/2025 15:45

If he hasn't spent the money, does this mean it's still invested? Sounds like he's done wel so far, perhaps the most rational thing to do is to keep at it.

NewHome2026 · 07/09/2025 15:52

I find the way other people arrange their finances in couples so odd. Surely all money is household money!

I’m about to receive a gift of about £30k soon. £6k will pay off some outstanding debt we have, £12k I will use to get us a new family car and of the £12k left I will be transferring £6k to my DH.

Jumpingthruhoops · 07/09/2025 15:52

He should maybe want to share some with you. But he's not obliged to share it with you since it is his fun money.

This is probably a conversation you should have had before he started earning this money.

Boomer55 · 07/09/2025 15:54

His fun money. His choice.🤷‍♀️

Mustbethat · 07/09/2025 15:58

NewHome2026 · 07/09/2025 15:52

I find the way other people arrange their finances in couples so odd. Surely all money is household money!

I’m about to receive a gift of about £30k soon. £6k will pay off some outstanding debt we have, £12k I will use to get us a new family car and of the £12k left I will be transferring £6k to my DH.

The money is invested though.

If you had saved 30k, possibly with the intention of using it for retirement, or in case of emergency, or to pay off the mortgage in 10 years, for whatever reason, and your dh said “all money is family money, so you need to give me 15k to spend how I want”

you’d be ok with that?

even if it’s joint savings, again you’d be ok with him taking 15 k to spend how he wants?

dh is getting a windfall. He needs to keep it and sort his retirement funds out. Paying off current debts/mortgage etc would be false economy.

JudgeJ · 07/09/2025 16:05

SeaAndStars · 07/09/2025 15:17

Nice dose of misogyny dished up with the physics there.

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Far more importantly, he was an excellent Physics teacher and we were far more mature than the current easily-offended 18 years olds, quite able to stand up for ourselves!

SeriaMau · 07/09/2025 16:27

If he had lost money would you be offering to reimburse him?

SeaAndStars · 07/09/2025 16:40

JudgeJ · 07/09/2025 16:05

Far more importantly, he was an excellent Physics teacher and we were far more mature than the current easily-offended 18 years olds, quite able to stand up for ourselves!

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Given that he was in a position of authority and influence you should not have needed to stand up for yourselves. It was his job to inspire you, not put you down.

You underestimate the strength and resilience of today's 18 year olds.

jacks11 · 07/09/2025 17:02

Mustbethat · 07/09/2025 12:07

It’s not a windfall yet.

it’s invested. An asset, the same way their house is an asset, their car, or any other savings.

he has to sell it.

you wouldn’t just decide to sell your house or remortgage to fund a round the world trip. Or sell your car.

it’s invested, and is accumulating value for the future. Why should he sell it because his wife wants half?

it could be accumulating more value yearly than they’re paying on the mortgage. In which case it’s a bad idea to sell and pay off the mortgage. I could pay off my mortgage- I have the value invested in an isa. However my isa brings in 8% and my mortgage is 4%, so I’d be stupid to cash in the USA.

it sounds like the dh is money savvy, o/p, not so much.

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Exactly this!

He has made an investment with his “fun money” and it sounds like he is content to keep it largely intact and only take out smaller amounts- this could well be for tax purposes. Given this, he may well be much more savvy to do what he is doing than following your preferred option.

In my opinion, you actually don’t get a say in what he does with his investments which he has made using his own spending money. In his position, I absolutely would not cash in investments made for the long-term to fritter on holidays or treats. I might also not chose to pay off the mortgage early if the investments were giving a higher return than my mortgage interest rate because it makes much more financial sense.

If my partner suggested/demanded I liquidate my savings, which I had made out of my own personal spending money, for treats and holidays, I would not be keen. If we need to save for treats and holidays, then we make that a mutual savings goal and both contribute.

Whaleandsnail6 · 07/09/2025 17:37

I think yabu.

Its his fun money that he has got lucky with. Had he lost it all, would you be willing to give him portion of your fun money?

And he is overpaying the mortgage, which is helpful for you both.

Let him do with it as he wishes, as I'm sure you spend your fun money how you wish

Biskieboo · 07/09/2025 18:03

jacks11 · 07/09/2025 17:02

Exactly this!

He has made an investment with his “fun money” and it sounds like he is content to keep it largely intact and only take out smaller amounts- this could well be for tax purposes. Given this, he may well be much more savvy to do what he is doing than following your preferred option.

In my opinion, you actually don’t get a say in what he does with his investments which he has made using his own spending money. In his position, I absolutely would not cash in investments made for the long-term to fritter on holidays or treats. I might also not chose to pay off the mortgage early if the investments were giving a higher return than my mortgage interest rate because it makes much more financial sense.

If my partner suggested/demanded I liquidate my savings, which I had made out of my own personal spending money, for treats and holidays, I would not be keen. If we need to save for treats and holidays, then we make that a mutual savings goal and both contribute.

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Exactly. Also, I don't think it follows that even if the windfall was designated as 'family money' or joint money or whatever, that means that the OP can do what she wants with it. Like I said, I've got a decent sum saved in ISAs, and so far as I'm concerned that money is there to enable both of us to retire early. I.e. it is money that I fully intend to benefit both of us. However what seems to be being suggested here is that even if I am adamant that that money won't be touched for any other reason (barring disaster obviously), that can be overridden by my OH deciding otherwise. So you'll have the bizarre situation where the person who had the gumption to build up a nest egg has their wishes vetoed by their partner, who didn't. Makes no sense.

wasdarknowblond · 07/09/2025 18:27

I thinks it’s sensible to use surplus cash to pay off the mortgage. Everyone benefits then. If he’s not up for that I would at least hope he bought you a gift or treated you in some way with a little of the money.

rwalker · 07/09/2025 18:31

So all bills split fairly then they both have fun/pocket money
so OP joint bills
Her own fun money

Benefit for mortgage overpayments

then wants a chunk of what’s DH has done with his fun money

Motherofdragons24 · 07/09/2025 18:42

I never understand these my money/ his money threads on here. Yous are married and a family! I inherited a significant amount of money very unexpectedly a few years ago, there was never a question that we would decide what to do with that money together in order to better OUR families lives. I don’t think you should have full control of it and get to unilaterally decide what to do with the money but I would expect to be part of the conversation and get a say on what happens with the money.