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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think DH should share his windfall

257 replies

Myy · 07/09/2025 09:25

I haven’t asked DH to share anything but I’d like to get your thoughts…
DH has gained a windfall from investing in Crypto with his “fun money” - money we have to spend on ourselves.

Although we are financially stable, I think this money could be used to pay off a substantial part of our mortgage or be used for a 1000 other things. All he has done is cash in small amounts to buy his “toys” and overpay small amounts of the mortgage

AIBU to think he could be generous and share with me.

OP posts:
BIossomtoes · 08/09/2025 17:50

FlockofSquirrels · 07/09/2025 18:49

Nope.

If he had come to you and said “I stuck all my fun money budget portion into crypto and lost it, can you pay me back for half my losses so I can buy the toys I want and go out for drinks with my pals?” what would you have said?

DH and I have the same set up with individual spending pots for non-bill, non-family expenses. The whole point is that these are each of ours to do with what we see fit, based on what we want for ourselves (individually) - if I want to blow mine on red soled stilettos or bizarre modern art or crypto or imported chocolate I can do that. We share the rest of our money and have joint savings goals and budget decisions, but not that money.

This. He’s gambled with his fun money and the gamble’s paid off. The profit is more fun money.

IsItSnowing · 08/09/2025 18:03

Noshadelamp · 07/09/2025 09:34

I'm torn because I know my DH would share with me and the household, but I don't ever expect him to share.

Yes, me too.
My DH would share with me/the household without being asked. He would see it as a bonus for us both to benefit as would I if it was me.

Gingernessy · 08/09/2025 19:17

Arlanymor · 07/09/2025 14:14

Exactly. My mum does art and recently sold seven paintings and sketches in her art group's exhibition. My dad said: "Ooh how much did you make?!" My mum said: "Enough to buy some more canvases and frames." When he looked a bit put out, she added: "If you want to earn money from art I'd be happy to give you a few lessons - no charge!"

Assuming that your mother has a job and pays into the household expenses and that your dad also has money that he can spend without your mum telling him how to? If not then she's being unfair.

Silvercoconut · 12/09/2025 00:18

My pig of an ex husband bet a couple of pounds, literally two, and won nearly three thousand.
His money , his winnings he said.

jacks11 · 12/09/2025 12:37

IsItSnowing · 08/09/2025 18:03

Yes, me too.
My DH would share with me/the household without being asked. He would see it as a bonus for us both to benefit as would I if it was me.

@IsItSnowing
What does “Sharing” mean in this context though? He has made investments- with his own share of discretionary spending money- and is content to keep them as investments, drawing down small amounts for particular things he wants. He is probably wise to do this, as if he withdraws large sums at once he will pay tax on it. He may well actually be better off keeping his investment intact rather than paying down a mortgage, depending on the interest rate differential. I.e. if he is getting 6% return on his investment vs 3% on the mortgage he is earning more keeping the money where it is vs reducing the mortgage. Either way it’s his investment to decide to spend or keep, as he wishes. It’s not OP’s capital and she doesn’t get a say. I think she is wrong to think she does. If she has savings, does he have right of access to them to (outside of a divorce settlement)? Does he get a say on how OP spends her “fun money”?

I don’t think it is the same as lottery ticket- a lottery ticket is minimal spending, no real risk- I’d say spouses should share lottery wins equally. Savings and investments are different, IMO, if the capital has come from an individual’s own allocated proportion of disposable income (assuming that allocation had been fairly done and mutually agreed upon). If OP’s DH has made a significant amount he probably will have had to have either build this up over time (smaller amounts in the long-term) or had a big enough pot to start with; and he will probably have had put in a fair bit of effort in to it. He is unlikely just to have got extremely lucky with one small investment which he has not thought about or done anything to manage since making an impulsive decision to buy crypto/bitcoin/other investment- though it is impossible, I suppose.

Perhaps he does not want to spend the money on holidays or treats. He may not feel paying down the mortgage is a good option right now and he could be right (e.g. large withdrawals may well have tax implications, absorbing a significant proportion of the available capital; or he may be making more money than would be saved by paying down the mortgage). Perhaps he has a goal that he has set for himself or something he wishes to buy that otherwise could not be afforded, and he is using this to fund it- he is not asking op to sacrifice her spending or mutual savings goals in order to achieve this, so this is as entirely reasonable approach as op spending (or saving) her proportion of discretionary funds as she sees fit is.

At the end of the day, OP’s husband invested some of his own personal spending money, wisely in this case, but not without risk- and has increased his investment. He could have lost it all, too (and still could). It isn’t hers, she has spent her share of disposable income on things of her choosing (or indeed, if she has put it into an ISA or savings account)- as she is absolutely within her rights to do- but she can’t then come along and decide she wants his share to spend on a holiday or treats or even on the mortgage. If she wants that, she can either save some of her share of “fun money” and utilise it for the things she wants, OR if they both decide the need a holiday/more expensive holiday/a better car/pay off some of the mortgage, then they can both reduce their proportion of “fun money” equally to save to meet those joint goals. That’s what being a partnership would look like to me. Unilaterally deciding you have a say on your partners share of discretionary spending, whilst spending all of yours as you wish, is not a partnership.

IsItSnowing · 12/09/2025 13:11

@jacks11 Yes, fair enough. I actually don't think there is any obligation. If the other person doesn't want to then that's up to them.
I was just saying, that if me or DH were in that position, we would choose to share it. We'd probably book an extra holiday to be honest, but maybe something round the house. That's just how we tend to think and do things.
If DH had something personal he wanted to spend it on then I'd be quite happy with that anyway - he shares plenty with me so no need to feel hard done by.

Thatsthebottomline · 12/09/2025 18:38

The solution here seems pretty simple.

Say a couple has 100 quid each to spend as they want. Should he invest that money and see a return he should immediately share that windfall with his wife.

Should she invest that money and see a return she should immediately say to her husband "what I do with my money is my business", making sure to remind her stupid husband that he could have invested too.

Its what equality looks like in 2025.

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