To think DH should share his windfall

[Myy]

I haven’t asked DH to share anything but I’d like to get your thoughts…
DH has gained a windfall from investing in Crypto with his “fun money” - money we have to spend on ourselves.

Although we are financially stable, I think this money could be used to pay off a substantial part of our mortgage or be used for a 1000 other things. All he has done is cash in small amounts to buy his “toys” and overpay small amounts of the mortgage

AIBU to think he could be generous and share with me.

Nope.

If he had come to you and said “I stuck all my fun money budget portion into crypto and lost it, can you pay me back for half my losses so I can buy the toys I want and go out for drinks with my pals?” what would you have said?

DH and I have the same set up with individual spending pots for non-bill, non-family expenses. The whole point is that these are each of ours to do with what we see fit, based on what we want for ourselves (individually) - if I want to blow mine on red soled stilettos or bizarre modern art or crypto or imported chocolate I can do that. We share the rest of our money and have joint savings goals and budget decisions, but not that money.

Sounds like heads you win, tails he loses.

I don't get it either

What did you do with your fun money OP?

It was his "fun" money, but I still think a loving husband would want to share his good fortune to some extent at least. I suppose the crux of the matter is, if you came into some money, via investment or inheritance, would you share some with him, or at least pay for extra luxuries like exotic or more lavish holidays?

If it is a substantial amount and you have joint debts, like a mortgage or credit cards, I think it would be sensible of him to use at least some of the money to reduce them.

I received an inheritance and wanted to give half to my husband because he has always been very generous with his own money and never questioned what I spent - but he refused. I found it hurtful, because I would feel more at ease doing that. But I do use the money for personal purchases that I formerly paid for from our joint account, and I do use it to pay for holidays or other high cost items.

Yes of course, but that's not quite what pp seem to be suggesting by the 'sharing everything equally' comments.

DH and I agreed early on in our marriage that any and all money coming to either of us, salaries, inheritances, windfalls etc would be joint.
This has served us well over the years, during times when DH earned more than me, when i was on maternity leave for example, and then when my career took off, he changed direction in his and the situation was reversed.
We are both fairly responsible with finances, I don’t know if it would work so well if someone in a partnership was either a spendthrift or a tightarse.
But I’d recommend it if you’re both reasonable with money.
It saves a lot of arguments down the line.

The thing is this isn’t actually a windfall.

This is a return on an investment that he alone put into and took the risk on while OP spent her corresponding spending money on whatever she chose. If that investment ended up being worthless he was the only one put out, not OP. And he’ll pay taxes on the gain because that’s what it is.

This is the mirror of if he had run up a credit card balance for his fun spending with the agreement that this card was his alone to deal with - the interest on that balance should come out of his spending money, not OP’s.

No, it isn’t necessarily sensible to pay off the mortgage.

if his investment is earning more than the interest on the mortgage, there will be an overall financial loss

for example. I have a 50k mortgage at 4 %. So I am paying £2k interest on that loan. However I also have 50 k in an isa, at 8%. So that is earning me 4k per year.

if I withdrew that 50k and paid off the mortgage I would lose 2k a year.

that 50k is for unforeseen events. Boiler breakdown, if interest rates go up, financing a purchase, helping the kids out, retirement. Still to the benefit of the family, but it is my savings and if I want to take a bit to buy an airwrap why shouldn’t I?

If dh said to me oh you’ve got 50k in your isa, it’s family money, you need to give me 25k, I’d tell him to fuck off. And that is what o/p is asking of her dh here.

That's your set up and if it works for you then great. Doesn't mean everyone is or has to be the same.
My point was in response to the many people saying that everything ought to be split equally (I.e. 50/50) which seems to me would make having separate hobbies and social lives rather difficult.

That's your set up and if it works for you then great. Doesn't mean everyone is or has to be the same.
My point was in response to the many people saying that everything ought to be split equally (I.e. 50/50) which seems to me would make having separate hobbies and social lives rather difficult.

You are right it works for us, and not saying everyone has to be the same, but if in a long term committed relationship all the alternatives are just weird, and you end up with all this 'his' and 'her' money, which creates scenarios like the OP, which I personally find very odd...

Well in my case it’s because I am marginally the higher earner with better future investments and more savings and put a higher down payment on our home.

We have joint accounts for bills, savings, etc, too, but also have our own accounts for spending as we please.

However, that being said, we will both pay for different things ant different times outside of our joint funds in our joint accounts without really thinking about it and I am not secretive with my DH about it and nor am I stingy. But I don’t think I should be told how or when I spend my money by anyone else.

Also, the partner I had before us was grabby and financially abusive (had a real chip on his shoulder about me earning more) and, although I know my DH would never expect anything nor tell me how to spend my money, etc., it has left me reticent to pool funds.

My DH couldn’t give a damn and this was something that was discussed many years ago when we met. He knows if I had a windfall I’d probably invest it into the house anyway.

How depressing that he is keeping it for his benefit.

Why do people bother with marriage if they don't want a partnership.

So how is it going to pan out? Is he going to have a different standard of living than you?

Not sure why my reply was hidden! Just offering practical advice on what to watch for…

How is he keeping it for his benefit?

he’s taking small amounts out to pay for his fun stuff, and making some extra payments toward the mortgage. The bulk remains invested, presumably for the families future.

the only difference is o/p paid for her fun stuff straight up, she didn’t invest the money then use the profit as her dh has.

like I said, I have an isa invested in my name. I haven’t kept it “for myself”, it’s there for the long term financial benefit of the family. If dh insisted I gave him half and accused me of keeping it for my benefit I would not be impressed.

especially if he’s spend all his money on fun stuff for himself and saved none.

But surely op keeps her fun money to herself...thats how the separate fun money works

Whilst he was investing his, she was likely spending hers.

Had he lost all of his, I'm sure people wouldn't be jumping to say she should share hers with him, and she have less. They'd likely be calling him an idiot and telling her to get her ducks in a row

So essentially he is using it as a savings account?

I mean, if he has made tons of profit it would be nice to use it for something to benefit family. But if it is some then good for him. Are you struggling with paying the bills and he is buying toys? If loses all of it it and asks you to pay for something from your fun money, would you be happy to do it?

if he has invested in one of the three or so main cryptos, his strategy is the right one. Hopefully he will eventually recover all he has gambled/invested and keep the rest in there to grow. In your shoes I would make positive noises about his investment strategy and ask him to show me how it’s done. Take note of whether it’s on an exchange (which is like an online market place) or if it’s in a ‘wallet’. The former is much easier to trace in case of divorce… Also make sure he leaves his passwords somewhere you can access in case he falls under a bus - particularly if it’s a large amount of money!

With "my" money, I put £2.50 on a lottery ticket. We won a 5 figure sum. It went in to the joint account and paid off a big bit of our mortgage.

Whilst the £2.50 was absolutely my money, the huge windfall I received is 100% both of our money.

I can't believe how some MNs (probably men) are acting.

So you invested it in your house?

that’s no different. Only here it’s invested in crypto.

now if your dh had said “it’s all family money, you need to hand over half to me to spend as I wish”, which is what o/p is doing, you’d be ok with that?

bottom line is the dh isn’t living the high life on it. He has used his fun money for his cryp to investing hobby and has made some money which he has reinvested.

o/p could have done the same, but chose to spend her fun money directly on her hobbies. If she had bought a lottery ticket and chosen to put the money in an isa because the interest rates are higher than the mortgage, that’s still investing for the families long term health.

Depends on how much we're talking about: 2k,20k 200k.

Each one gets a different reply.

Any windfall, as a joint married couple, should be a shared asset, the only question here is what you consider to be a substantial amount.

She had an equal amount of 'fun money' that she chose to spend on whatever she wished.
She could have invested in Crypto too...

I can't believe how some MNs (probably men) are acting.

Women are not one-dimensional clones. Disagreeing with each other doesn’t mean some of us are men, it means we’re each individuals who have our own brain and independent thought. Please stop suggesting otherwise; it only harms women to try to shove us in a little uniform box like that.