To think DH should share his windfall

[Myy]

I haven’t asked DH to share anything but I’d like to get your thoughts…
DH has gained a windfall from investing in Crypto with his “fun money” - money we have to spend on ourselves.

Although we are financially stable, I think this money could be used to pay off a substantial part of our mortgage or be used for a 1000 other things. All he has done is cash in small amounts to buy his “toys” and overpay small amounts of the mortgage

AIBU to think he could be generous and share with me.

I think it's all very well some posters quoting marriage vows but sometimes marriages don't turn out how you'd expect but you don't realise until it's too late. It's sensible, after the joint bills/savings are paid, to have some separate money to have some autonomy over - particularly important for women who may be SAHMs or whose earnings have taken a hit because of this.

It would be nice if your DH treated you/the family with his windfall (as I would) but personally, I wouldn't expect it and neither would my DH.

It would be interesting to know if her DH had suggested jointly invest in Crypto, whether she'd have been willing to?!

If you both get fun money, he has invested his and you do as you please with yours. Why should he share his winnings with you if h doesn't want to? You say he has already paid some additional off the mortgage anyway.

Would you have shared the loss - ie given him some of yours - if his investment had gone south ?

He’s not obliged to share it but I’d be a bit hurt if he doesn’t want to share ANY of it.

I couldn’t imagine not sharing with my dh if ai had a windfall and he’d be the same.

We allocate an amount which we put into our own accounts. Everything goes into the same current account, and we joint savings etc.

I think the amount he has 'earned' is important

Maybe they had different upbringing to yours, maybe they have different view on how to deal with finances in a marriage, maybe they have a partner who dictates how to do it, ...

If you can easily afford the mortgage between you, why not use the pot for fun things. I'd start asking about holiday splurges.

I would be sad if my partner didn't want to share some but I also wouldn't expect it. Well, I would, because he's not a dick and he loves me so would be really unexpected if he didn't, but I don't think he should have to.

He has taken out small amounts from time to time. He is keeping the rest invested

Marriage must be pretty hard going if you don't marry someone with similar values, attitudes and spending habits or if you can't come to some mutually satisfactory fundamental compromise on those issues.

How much privacy do people want in a relationship that is based on 'All that I have I share with you'?

There are more dreadful ways to live than knowing how much your partner spends on your Christmas present. Does that kind of thing really bother adults?

One size doesn't fit all. Each to their own.

Would you have shared the debt if he had lost? I think people cant really answer without an idea of the figures involved ie if hes sitting with 50k I would be wondering why hes not putting some into the mortgage if its 5k I wouldn't be bothered

Same here, it seems very old fashioned to me.

As usual lots of posters are making assumptions that aren't supported by the facts we know about in order to arrive at the conclusion that the man in question is a bastard and the marriage is doomed. If he was sensible enough to invest his 'fun money 'in the first place instead of frittering it away, and if he hasn't frittered his gains away but has instead paid off a bit of the mortgage and bought a few toys but kept most of it, what's to say that he's not going to reinvest most of it to make a better future for the pair of them? I mean, he might piss it all up the wall but we just don't know. If the deal between the OP and her husband is that they generally share finances but each have a bit of cash to do with as they please (which out in the real world, away from MN, is bog standard), it seems a bit off to retrospectively introduce a rule saying that's overridden if the other one fancies doing something else with the other's cash.

OP do you actually know what your husband's intentions are for this cash?

How much? 3k he can have it. 30? I’d hope he would put it into the mortgage and treat us to a nice holiday.
he would problem buy another new car tho

We have a similar set up pay an amount into joint account proportionate to income which covers mortgage, bills etc , money for DS spending, joint savings and DS savings, we both get some fun money each month (exactly the same amount even though I earn more), DH spends his, I spend some and save the rest, I'm not giving that to him (unless it was a financial emergency) because he had his fun money and chose to blow it on comics and dungeons and dragons (one of the reasons we have fun money is so I don't feel rage at how much these things cost) it also gives some financial freedom and independence. My fun savings I can then use as I please, weekend away with friends, a pair of shoes that is more expensive than strictly justifiable are recent examples.

Would you have covered half of it had it been lost?

You quoted this post, but didn’t answer this question…

I suppose it depends how much it is.

Honestly it would give me the ick if a grown man, with a wife and kids, came by a lot of money and chose to spend it on toys rather than invest it in his family and their security.

For me the bottom line is 'what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander' i.e if he doesn't share with you then you don't share with him.

I think he's wrong, with his wordly good thee endows...well he could overpay mortgage but ringfence it as 'his' part though a deed of trust I suppose.

I confess I did this many years ago and it caised a lot of resentment in my marriage - and money was a big factor in my divorce.

Sounds like he is pretty savvy, so I expect he will continue to invest more and most likely gain more. What is your problem with him buying toys if he took the risk in the first place? Why don’t you invest and then you can spend any gains on yourself?

I have a very similar arrangement to OP. Both of our wages get paid into the joint. All direct debits come out of the joint eg mortgage, bills, phones, gym. We pay for all food shopping and child related expenses out of it too. Date nights come out of the joint. We then transfer a set amount into a joint savings every month and transfer a set amount to each of ourselves.

For example if we both took £300 as fun money then we could do what we wanted with it. I would get my nails done, maybe get a fancy facial, save up £100 out of the £300 for a few months to buy a new bag. DH could take all of his and spend it all in the pub on one night if he wanted to and it wouldn’t be my business. I would very much still say we share finances. We just have a little left over just for us. It stops one person from taking the piss and means one of us doesn’t have way more money then the other (one of us earns quite a bit more). We still have access to the large majority of all of our money as we are married and it is ours. I would say what do is exactly pooling our money together and enjoying what’s leftover equally!

how much are we talking about? If he made a million then yeah I’d hope he’d pay off some of the mortgage.. if it’s 30k, he did it with his fun money and you presumably did something with yours…

Woman are equally capable of emptying a bank account too. Surely marriage is about trust and sharing everything? But can’t understand couples who have ‘mine’ and ‘his’ as it’s really ours’.