To not want a random boy to stay just because DH does?

[Geniusonit]

Sorry for the clunky title didn't know what else to write!

Long story short, been with DH for 7.5 years. He's got a 12yo DD, he has 50/50 custody of her although sometimes more if her mum goes away with her partner like atm. She has an older brother he's 19, DH isn't his dad, was sort of a stepdad figure when he was with his ex but since they split they didn't have contact and his ex made it clear he wasn't his dad so she wasn't going to allow it.

Anyway, yesterday her mum and younger siblings (toddlers so under school age before anyone asks) and mums partner went away leaving DSD with us and her brother on his own. DSD went back today because she'd forgotten something and then called DH in a panic.

He went round there and her brother was on the sofa sort of out of it and he'd clearly been beaten up, he had injuries on his face etc. DH managed to sort him out and he brought him back here with DSD, apparently DSD was anxious about him being on his own.

When I got back from being out with my sister he had gone back to sleep on our sofa. Hearing from DSD their mum had kicked him out so he obviously snook back when he knew they'd be away. The brother said he didn't know who beat him up but didn't want to report it, said he’d sort it which does sound as though he knows who it is. DH thinks he should stay as he doesn't want him getting into any trouble or hurt again, he doesn't think he's got a concussion but another injury to the face/head so soon obviously wouldn't be good.

I personally don't feel comfortable with a random boy here but he says he's his daughters brother. Am I being U or is DH being soft (for context, he is a head of year in a school and is quite soft on troubled teens especially as he thinks they need kindness not just discipline)

Yes, I can understand why you feel uncomfortable. He's a stranger. Not exactly something you need in your life right now. Feels as if you're picking up someone else's piece, i.e. his mum's and his step dad's.

You say your DH is a HOY. This means that he'll have a lot of experience of this sort of thing.

From what you've disclosed, the young person is extremely vulnerable. Seems as if he was subjected to financial abuse by mum and then friends. On top of this, he was thrown out and (essentially) made homeless. And then on top of this, he was assaulted.

Your DH should know what to do, but realistically this is one for adult social care (ASC or whatever they're called in your area). They should assess needs and arrange temporary accommodation. You're under no obligation to have unknown lodgers living in your house - except (arguably) in an emergency.

Forget the mom, she sounds like a right piece of (negligent) work.

He was your DH's stepson not a random stranger. I would think he was completely heartless if he didn't try to help him when he's clearly in need.

Poor lad, I'm sorry but I'd still help him. 19 is young.

Half brother. They share a mother.

He’s an adult in receipt of PIP though, which indicates he has some additional physical or mental health needs. Without knowing what those are it’s hard to make a call but from his info to OP he is vulnerable and seemingly without a reliable adult to help him. I agree he is quite removed from the OP’s DH now and if that’s where he’s landed up, that tells you something about how isolated he is.

I think you need to find out why his mum and her partner were arguing about this and why she threw him out. His mum doesn’t exactly sound like mother of the year if she’s extorted his PIP payments. That, plus the fact that now she’s actually giving him the money, he’s clearly being financially abused by his ‘friends’ suggests that the PIP claim is linked to a MH issue, learning disability, or some form of Autism.

I think the solution is that DH puts him up in B&B or something until his ex gets back and then it needs to be sorted out with her. I agree, looking at the events so far, and the fact that neither you nor your DH know this boy well, I’d be very uncomfortable having him stay in my home, but I don’t think you can just ask him to leave if he has nowhere to go and is likely to be abused. Why doesn’t he want to report what happened to the police - especially if these people stole his bank card ? There’s a safeguarding issue here because it sounds like he’s vulnerable. If his mum isn’t prepared to help out then I think a call to social services is needed for his own protection.

This he is hardly a random boy as you call him

This. There’s a safeguarding issue here. From what OP has said, it sounds as though the PIP is linked to either MH, learning difficulties or possibly autism as it appears he’s being financially abused by not only his friends, but his own mother. It’s really not for OP or her DH to take this on, but if his own mother isn’t prepared to take responsibility then I think a call to social services is in order so that he can be properly assessed.

OP has explained the wording several times. To her he is a random boy. She has never met him. He’s not her DH’s child, or even his stepson, and he hasn’t had a relationship with him since he was a child. Considering the circumstances I wouldn’t be happy for him to be in my home either, especially as there are other children involved. But neither do I think they can just ask him to leave. I think maybe putting him up in a B&B until mum gets home is probably the answer, and then involving the appropriate authorities if there is a safeguarding issue.

Where is your humanity @Geniusonit

shame on you!

the LEAST you can do is TRUST your husband on this. With this reaction from you, if I were your H I’d be rethinking my relationship with you. You’re cruel and unfeeling. That’s ugly.

I’ve taken in my Ds gf when they had only been together for a few months, why? Because she’s 19, got nobody to care for her and was being beaten at home. Likewise we gave a friend of hers a bed for a couple of nights because she was momentarily homeless.

@Geniusonit You’re mean. Have a long hard look at yourself.

This. Most sensible post here.

Of course she isn’t ‘mean’. She has other children to think about and neither she or her DH know anything about this boy, what he was involved in leading to him being beaten up, or what else is going on. OP hasn’t clarified how he got back into his mothers’ house while she was away - did he break in ? Not exactly a reference for having him stay in your spare room is it ?

There are alternatives to him staying with OP. They can put him up in a. B&B or similar until his mum gets home. She’s the one with parental responsibility if she’s his appointee with the DWP. He sounds vulnerable, and his mum sounds financially abusive of him, so possibly a referral to social services may be in order, but after that OP and her DH need to take a step back because they have no idea what trouble he may bring to their door.

I agree. If he is a head teacher who is passionate about protecting young people, he'll rethink his relationship with OP.
Another weekend family set-up with baby number 2.

That’s a new one, because OP got with a man with a child, and chose to be a stepparent to that child, suddenly she is also responsible for an adult man who isn’t any relation to either her or her husband and shouldn’t have gotten pregnant, wtf.

I certainly wouldn’t be bringing a man I didn’t know, who’s involved in god knows what into a house with young children - that’s just crazy. A call to social services is needed.

This young man isn't a 'random', he's DH daughter's brother who DH was a father figure to for some years. Of course his daughter is worried about him and doesn't want to see him chucked out on the streets. Can't you let him stay for a while until he's feeling better and his mum is back? But make it clear that he's not allowed to bring anyone back to your house and ask him not to let anyone know your address. You have younger children to think of and are pregnant, so he mustn't make trouble for you.

He's not a random boy - he's part of the extended family you entered when you started your relationship. He's your husband's daughter's brother. So please stop thinking and talking like that.

But absolutely your concern is for your own young children's welfare.

Clearly her brother is mixed up in something, which could have consequences for you all, especially as he's not being forthcoming.

Your husband has wisdom and experience and sounds like he knows what he's doing. But dependent children must come first.

His own parents must be contacted and asked to step up for their son. Although legally an adult he's still very young.

Utterly ridiculous to suggest he rethink his relationship with his pregnant wife over a grown man who is no relation to either of them, and about whom they know absolutely nothing. OP is not suggesting that they shouldn’t help, but that she doesn’t want him staying in their home. She has other children to think about and who knows what kind of trouble this lad is in. He was beaten up and his bank card stolen but he doesn’t want to go to the police. He clearly should be seen by a doctor but doesn’t want that either. Why ? And how did he get back into his mum’s house - did he break in ?

To be honest if I were OP I’d be taking a pretty dim view of DH putting her and their children at risk when they have no idea what kind of trouble he may be in, or if it will land at their door.

This. All day long. It’s a safeguarding issue. The police should be called - the assault and bank card theft should be reported and the boy should be seen at A&E to ensure there is no concussion. Then a call to social services should be made. This is what a responsible adult would do - the boy is clearly vulnerable and needs help which is beyond the scope of OP and her DH. They have no idea what kind of trouble the boy is in, what the repercussions may be for themselves, and they have other children to consider. That posters are suggesting OP is somehow responsible for a grown man who was last in her DH’s life when he was a child, and who is absolutely no relation to him is one of the most batshit things I’ve ever seen on MN.

He sounds like a vulnerable young adult - he's in receipt of PIP, which he clearly doesn't understand if he wasn't aware it provided him with funding (which his mother was apparently stealing from him, although I supposed she could have been putting it away in savings for him); and he has "friends" who use him for money and beat him up to steal his debit/credit card. He needs help. I'm glad you're DH stepped in and let him stay.

He was part of this boys life, when the boy was at least 6 year old, he'll have an affection towards the lad, it is his daughters brother, who she loves, this could very easily lead to the end of a relationship.
My sympathy is with the 12 girl here.

He’s been thrown out of his mother’s house, is hanging around with questionable ‘friends’ who have beaten him up and stolen from him, and he’s possibly broken in to his mothers’ house while she’s away, and you think OP should let him stay in the same house as their other children ? She has no idea what kind of trouble he’s in and you think she should rely on his promise not to bring anyone back to their house or let his mates know where he’s staying ? Yeah, right. That’s going to work innit ?

There would be conditions on him staying longer than a week or two. He is homeless. And your daughter brother. When his mum gets back she will pick up the pieces or not. He has an absent dad, a step dad who left and a new step dad who hates him and wants him gone. Feel sorry for him tbh. He needs some security. You ought to support hint o get back on his feet with a job and place to live. He's vulnerable to being in the wrong crowd. Your DH sounds like he has the skills and contacts and knowledge to help him. Let him.

The boy may be her brother but that doesn’t mean he’s safe for her to be around. His own mother clearly didn’t think so as she threw him out. Until the reason for that is established, the wishes of a 12 year old girl should come firmly behind what the adults in the room deem safe and appropriate. And this is clearly not - there are also other children to consider. I’m not suggesting that they abandon him and I don’t think OP is either. But it’s entirely understandable that until they know more about him and his circumstances she doesn’t want the risk of him being around their other children.

I completely understand why DH would want to have him there for a while. Chucking him out in that state doesn't seem a good option at all. He sounds vulnerable, and DH is experienced with teenagers and knew the boy well for years. He's not a 'random' is my point. I can also see why OP is worried about having him there.

He is not a random though. Sounds like he needs some help and support.