To not want a random boy to stay just because DH does?

[Geniusonit]

Sorry for the clunky title didn't know what else to write!

Long story short, been with DH for 7.5 years. He's got a 12yo DD, he has 50/50 custody of her although sometimes more if her mum goes away with her partner like atm. She has an older brother he's 19, DH isn't his dad, was sort of a stepdad figure when he was with his ex but since they split they didn't have contact and his ex made it clear he wasn't his dad so she wasn't going to allow it.

Anyway, yesterday her mum and younger siblings (toddlers so under school age before anyone asks) and mums partner went away leaving DSD with us and her brother on his own. DSD went back today because she'd forgotten something and then called DH in a panic.

He went round there and her brother was on the sofa sort of out of it and he'd clearly been beaten up, he had injuries on his face etc. DH managed to sort him out and he brought him back here with DSD, apparently DSD was anxious about him being on his own.

When I got back from being out with my sister he had gone back to sleep on our sofa. Hearing from DSD their mum had kicked him out so he obviously snook back when he knew they'd be away. The brother said he didn't know who beat him up but didn't want to report it, said he’d sort it which does sound as though he knows who it is. DH thinks he should stay as he doesn't want him getting into any trouble or hurt again, he doesn't think he's got a concussion but another injury to the face/head so soon obviously wouldn't be good.

I personally don't feel comfortable with a random boy here but he says he's his daughters brother. Am I being U or is DH being soft (for context, he is a head of year in a school and is quite soft on troubled teens especially as he thinks they need kindness not just discipline)

I asked if she had helped him lock his card, ie, show him where to lock it on the app, or to show him where to Google the bank phone number to get the card locked. You don’t need to be related to someone to signpost them on how to lock their card if someone has stolen it. Duh.

He’s 19 so will probably want to go home anyway

I didn't say anyone had to be related to him. DUH!

I am just saying the OP does not have to help him, BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T KNOW HIM! Or should she help because she is a woman? It is because she should automatically 'BeKind? 🙄

Blimey; how many step siblings does the poor girl have? Poor kid! Sounds like she’s had lot to cope with in 12 years

Helps with what?

You are aware that at the age of 18 people don’t magically acquire the skills and resilience of adulthood that come with age and a safe secure upbringing, especially if that person has a disability?

If someone has had their bank card stolen, whether they are related to you or not, whether you are a male or a female, yes, you should absolutely #BeKind and signpost them to how they can get their card locked. 100%. Duh.

He gets PIP so he isn't your average 19 year old?

It sounds like he is quite a fragile 19 year old, who lives/lived at home, receives PIP (via his mum), who has now been bullied/abused by a gang into handing over his money.

Recognising that this lad has effectively nothing right now, surely DH wants to support him into a plan of action?

it’s entirely plausible this lad won’t know the basics (I’ve had 40 year old colleagues I’ve walked through cancelling cards etc when they’ve been in a flap - it’s normal to help people). Demanding to know the what and the why of how he got here also isn’t reasonable on day 1 - he’s reaching out to a stranger / old acquaintance for help and likely needs to build a little smidge of trust before he gets there.

100% this. ^

OP, I hope you're OK. Please don't let people get to you on here. You are not in the wrong. I need to go out now, but take care, and seriously, consider asking Mumsnet to delete this thread. It won't do you any good. YANBU though...

DSD won't blame you, her OWN Mother has put her brother out

I will ask? Why get pregnant?. You are pregnant, his ex has a toddler.

There is enough DC, plus step children between you all.

I can never understand new relationship, new pregnancy, new step daddy.

You have DC, step DC, pregnant, ex has other DC after DD, if you break up, another broken family.

Think of the existing DC.

Adults are soooooo irresponsible.

Saw your update, he's a vulnerable 19 year old, groomed and robbed, adult idiots, phone the police. Ffs.

I would help him. It sounds like he needs a male role model and some feeling of security. He’s not a random man, he’s part of your partner’s family.

If this is true , what a witch his mother is!!! Id actually worry about DSD living there too.
Hope you are all finding a way through this

“Why get pregnant?” I have 2 DC from a previous relationship, This pregnancy was unplanned but very wanted. Yes, his ex has 5 Dc but why would that affect us having a child together? DH is only the biological father of 1. The toddlers aren't his so why would that stop us having a baby together?

And yes, we have helped him freeze his card

I was just about to say this. From UK Govt website: "Personal Independence Payment (PIP) can help with extra living costs if you have both:

• a long-term physical or mental health condition or disability
• difficulty doing certain everyday tasks or getting around because of your condition."

Feels like an important bit of info for the purposes of this thread.

He is her brother !
I have a daughter from a previous relationship before I met the father of the rest of my children .
They are brothers & sisters & would be disgusted if anyone said they weren’t !

He is her brother.
Same mother.

Honestly, what an utterly spiteful thread. Poor boy.

OP’s DH is only father to one of his ex’s children though, so I don’t see how OP is irresponsible for getting pregnant. It has no bearing on this issue, which is that her DH wants a young man he’s not related to, has had no contact with since he was a child, and who has been thrown out by his own mother, sneaked back in (broken in ?) while she’s away and has now been beaten up.

I don’t think OP is being even slightly unreasonable in not wanting this young man in her home, where there are other children to consider. At the end of the day OP doesn’t know him at all, and neither does her DH - his last contact with him was when he was a child, he’s now a man. I’m aware that this is DSD’s half brother but that doesn’t automatically mean that he’s a good influence on her, and at the age of 12 what she wants isn’t necessarily what’s best for her. That’s an adult decision based on a rational assessment of the situation.

From your updates, it sounds like he is a vulnerable young man who is being exploited - cuckooing. People don't get PIP for nothing, especially if it was initially granted when he was living at home. His 'friends' will have been feeding him a load of bullshit to keep him in line.

For now I'd be letting him stay until he is recovered, but your DH needs to let him know that he will be reporting this to the Police.

This does sound to be extremely serious, but I wouldn't see that as a reason to abandon him. When he is feeling better he can go back to his mother's house, but the Police need to know what's happened as this young man's own home is not going to be safe.

If your DH is a senior teacher then what I would suggest is he asks advice ASAP Monday morning from the DSL at his school (maybe he is the DSL?) as this talk of PIP and appointees and friends who are not friends, being kicked out of the house, mum abroad and uncontactable etc make it sound like this young man is very vulnerable.

However you and DH do need to consider the possibility of bringing trouble to your own door, as this is not a relative of either of you.

Responsible adults don't have unplanned pregnancies?

Yes, his ex has 5 Dc but why would that affect us having a child together?

His Daughter has enough siblings, is she now a step sister to your DC too.
Step mam, step Dad, bio DM, bio Dad, 5 siblings 4 with bio DM, 1 with bio Dad,
2 step siblings, the poor child.

Or did her feelings not come into it.

The OP and her DH have had children with at least 2 different partners, DSD will have half-siblings from at least 3 different relationships plus step-siblings, this large blended family wasnt created just by DSDs mum
OP I can understand the initial reluctance but unfortunately in this v large blended situation things are going to get complicated and messy at times. Look at it this way, if you and DH split and in the future he was alerted to one of your children being in trouble would you want/expect him to help if you weren't available?
You say he's on PIP so does that indicate a disability (I'm not in UK so not sure how it works) and so he may need more support than the average 19 Yr old?

Having multiple adults moving in and out of parental roles must be so confusing and destabilising for kids.

i think yabu

there have been oddly similar threads.

does he have any other relatives?
i guess no grand parents or aunts?

anyway, that could be your own dc in a similar situation.
show some compassion