To not want a random boy to stay just because DH does?

[Geniusonit]

Sorry for the clunky title didn't know what else to write!

Long story short, been with DH for 7.5 years. He's got a 12yo DD, he has 50/50 custody of her although sometimes more if her mum goes away with her partner like atm. She has an older brother he's 19, DH isn't his dad, was sort of a stepdad figure when he was with his ex but since they split they didn't have contact and his ex made it clear he wasn't his dad so she wasn't going to allow it.

Anyway, yesterday her mum and younger siblings (toddlers so under school age before anyone asks) and mums partner went away leaving DSD with us and her brother on his own. DSD went back today because she'd forgotten something and then called DH in a panic.

He went round there and her brother was on the sofa sort of out of it and he'd clearly been beaten up, he had injuries on his face etc. DH managed to sort him out and he brought him back here with DSD, apparently DSD was anxious about him being on his own.

When I got back from being out with my sister he had gone back to sleep on our sofa. Hearing from DSD their mum had kicked him out so he obviously snook back when he knew they'd be away. The brother said he didn't know who beat him up but didn't want to report it, said he’d sort it which does sound as though he knows who it is. DH thinks he should stay as he doesn't want him getting into any trouble or hurt again, he doesn't think he's got a concussion but another injury to the face/head so soon obviously wouldn't be good.

I personally don't feel comfortable with a random boy here but he says he's his daughters brother. Am I being U or is DH being soft (for context, he is a head of year in a school and is quite soft on troubled teens especially as he thinks they need kindness not just discipline)

Well done supporting him.

He’s a teenage boy; they think they should be independent and able to sort it all out themselves. When they can’t, they experience lots of shame. That acts as a roadblock to communication.

He trusted you both enough to be vulnerable. That is huge.

Of course YANBU @Geniusonit and people saying YABU and sooo 'unkind' and 'uncaring' need to give their head a wobble! This lad is no relation to you, or your husband OR your DC. He is not your DC's 'brother.' They don't know him, they have no blood ties, and they have never lived together. They have never even met him... So your DH is stepdad to your children now, big deal. He is NOT the stepdad to this lad anymore. Hasn't been for 7-8+ years. (And the lad is almost an adult now.)

Utterly farcical that anyone thinks YABU. NO-ONE on here would want this 17 year old lad staying in their home - who is the ex stepson of their current partner. (And who they have never met - and who their partner has not had anything to to with for 7-8+ years.) Why not have every random teenager in the area to come stay when they have a problem, I mean, it's soooo unkind not to right?!

Anyway, it looks like your DH got his own way, as the lad did stay. I would be worried this is going to become a habit. I find it very odd indeed that his ex expected your DH to step up and take care of this lad, who is nearly an adult, and who he has nothing to do with anymore, and hasn't for 7-8+ years! I don't envy you OP, because I doubt it will be the last time something like this happens involving your DH's ex stepson!

Oh and yeah, where is his ACTUAL bloody father?!

This is exactly what I think aswel

He's hardly a random boy - he's your stepdaughter's brother, and used to kind of be your husband's stepson! Blimey - show a bit of compassion!

It sounds like he was probably embarrassed OP. Hence trying to sound big with his " I'll sort it out myself" comment.

I'm not trying to say that I would particularly want this young man staying in my home either. However, surely when adults choose this lifestyle (moving in new partners and their children, knowing they have previous step-children and there are half-siblings involved etc.) then there is some level of collective responsibility to all the young people effected?

It's complicated and messy, but that is not the fault of any of the children- who are ALL connected through being either half or step siblings.

That poor, poor boy. I'm so glad he has your husband looking out for him, the only adult in this sorry saga that has acted responsibly and with empathy.
Your last post, you still place blame on him. You are not a nice person.

🙄

The poor lad. Sounds like his mum is only interested in keeping her latest fella sweet.

I know of a similar case and the lad is living in a hostel and gets drunk and takes drugs occasionally because the adults who should have cared for him when he was a teenager prioritised themselves and their new families. He got moved from pillar to post inc. abroad and didn’t manage to sit any exams or GCSE’s even though he’s clearly bright. He was a friend of my son but he’s living in another country now so DS rarely hears from him. I really hope he catches a break.

This is a vulnerable kid, who’s been taken advantage of by friends and his mother, he’s been beaten up and is scared and there are people on her villianising him.

Fuck me, this world is a depressing place. Your husband knows him, he is your DSD’s brother, he isn’t a random who’s just walked in off the street. It sounds like he’s behaved entirely respectfully and appropriately since he has arrived. I really can’t believe you’re moaning about this.

Community spirit is important, but significant trouble could come to the OP’s door depending on what exactly the young man is mixed up in. The OP is pregnant and there are minor children present. It’s not all about what the white knight DH wants, and he needs to be told this.

Why does the OP need to 'help' this lad?

Where is his FATHER? Neither the OP, not her DC, OR her DH is related to this 17 y.o. lad. Why should the OP be having to do anything? Because she needs to #BeKind ??? Is it because she's a woman?

🙄

Do you even have a heart?

Even though your stepdc doesn’t live with you full time, your home is also their home. If they want to help their brother then that needs to be the biggest consideration. He is not a random boy to 2 of the people who call it home. Obviously only short term. A 19 yo boy needs help, I couldn’t turn him away.

@Zov
No it’s because she’s an adult who has the capacity to support someone in trouble.
It’s not hard to see that he has no one looking out for him, OP’s DH is stepping up to do that.
How anyone could do anything other than that is just mind blowing to me.

Exactly. The White Knight DH needs to back off. This is NOT his stepson. Not now. This is an almost grown adult who needs to sort his own shit out, or get his mother or father to help. Not a man who was in his life briefly while his mother was in a relationship with him, who he hasn't seen for about 8 years.

The OP's DH needs to put her and his NOW stepchildren first, AND the baby that is coming along soon. Let this lad and his mother have his own way, and it will be never ending. He will be rocking up with his suitcases and all his shit, and expecting to move in. Don't allow this again @Geniusonit And ignore the haters.

🤣🤣 ignore the haters

The irony

It’s not hard to see that he has no one looking out for him, OP’s DH is stepping up to do that.

And to hell with what his wife, and mother to be of his child thinks eh? Yeah, what does THAT matter?

Give me strength! 🙄

Don't even go there, with your 'oh the irony' nonsense. I am not the one spewing hatred and bile at the OP. Plenty on here have done. I am not one of them.

Just realised this young man is 19, not 17! That makes it even worse! He needs to sort his own shit out! He is an ADULT! Why the fuck is anyone throwing shade on the OP, for not wanting this random man in her home? (Around her small children?!)

YES! Random man!!! The DH needs to sort himself out, and tell his ex to do one. What a cheek dragging him into her son's shit. He needs to back off and think about his own family.

How am I not a nice person I'm not placing any blame on him if what he's saying is true but I don't know that! He didn't say what happened straight away and was acting cagey about it, if he'd been upfront maybe I would've felt differently. I didn't even tell DH he couldnt stay in so many words, I was just unsure as again I've never met him. I'm sure many of you would also feel uncomfortable at sharing their home with someone they hadn't previously met and were a stranger to them (yes DSD knows him, DH knew him as a child but he's still a stranger to me)

If he is physically fine I would take him back to his mum's house.

So mum had DS19 in a relationship, then DD with your DH and now toddlers with a third man. Call me judgy but wtf are people doing. Kids with 3 different men and throwing eldest out because he's acting out. Well ofcourse he's going to be messed up with all the instability in his childhood.

I would stop responding to people @Geniusonit and ask Mumsnet to delete this thread.

You want the Dh to say to his daughter "no, sorry love your beaten up brother isn't allowed to stay". Should they offer to drop him at a street corner instead? Imagine saying to your daughter that her own brother isn't allowed in her home.

The OP's DH's ex's son has the capacity to support himself too, as he is an ADULT. (That took me ages to type because his 19 year old man is sooooo far removed from the OP! - and her DH!)

HTH.

He is not her brother.