To not want a random boy to stay just because DH does?

[Geniusonit]

Sorry for the clunky title didn't know what else to write!

Long story short, been with DH for 7.5 years. He's got a 12yo DD, he has 50/50 custody of her although sometimes more if her mum goes away with her partner like atm. She has an older brother he's 19, DH isn't his dad, was sort of a stepdad figure when he was with his ex but since they split they didn't have contact and his ex made it clear he wasn't his dad so she wasn't going to allow it.

Anyway, yesterday her mum and younger siblings (toddlers so under school age before anyone asks) and mums partner went away leaving DSD with us and her brother on his own. DSD went back today because she'd forgotten something and then called DH in a panic.

He went round there and her brother was on the sofa sort of out of it and he'd clearly been beaten up, he had injuries on his face etc. DH managed to sort him out and he brought him back here with DSD, apparently DSD was anxious about him being on his own.

When I got back from being out with my sister he had gone back to sleep on our sofa. Hearing from DSD their mum had kicked him out so he obviously snook back when he knew they'd be away. The brother said he didn't know who beat him up but didn't want to report it, said he’d sort it which does sound as though he knows who it is. DH thinks he should stay as he doesn't want him getting into any trouble or hurt again, he doesn't think he's got a concussion but another injury to the face/head so soon obviously wouldn't be good.

I personally don't feel comfortable with a random boy here but he says he's his daughters brother. Am I being U or is DH being soft (for context, he is a head of year in a school and is quite soft on troubled teens especially as he thinks they need kindness not just discipline)

Agree. I don’t think OP is talking about abandoning the boy, just not allowing him to stay in their home around their other children. There are other solutions - a B&B or hotel until his mum gets back. But I think if DH is so concerned and responsible, then at the very least he should report the assault and theft to the police and get the boy to A&E to get checked out. And a call to social services wouldn’t go amiss because he sounds very vulnerable if he’s been exploited financially by his friends and even his own mother.

As someone who is divorced from my first husband, and who's step daughter is an adult, i'm disgusted at your attitude.

I'm not married to her father any more, and she's a grown woman, but you can bet my home is STILL open to her, and her sisters who aren't even related to me (i used to babysit them when DSD came to visit sometimes)

When you marry someone with kids, you accept their extended family too, he is the blood relative of your DH's daughter, and someone he was a father figure to for many years.

'Random boy'.. like he's some stranger your DH plucked off the street.. horrible way to refer to him.

He is clearly vulnerable, and been taken advantage of and beaten up, and let down by the people he depends on.. that being his parents. At least your DH knows to act like a decent human being, unlike the other adults around.

Traumatised people are not ‘cagey’ they are trying to protect themselves from any additional trauma in order to try and help themselves survive.

Of course a solution has to be found for this poor kid and no one is suggesting you’re it.. but personally I couldn’t live with myself if I turfed him straight out. The thing about life is that the unexpected can happen. Let’s hope your dd is never in need one day without you around.

I would let him stay and when his mother comes back you need a family meeting with his mother. He may be being cagey as presumably he is afraid of whoever beat him up and doesn't want further repercussions if labled a snitch

The stay would be on condition that he told you what is going on 'I would not force him to go to the police but you need to know for your own families safety' and that he doesn't tell anyone he is with you

I think your DH is being very kind, and I would think more of him for it.

I never understand why these sorts of threads are so black and white. The OP is not wrong to feel cautious about a vulnerable/possibly violent/possibly unstable/possibly involved with a bad crowd adult male in her house, when she has younger kids to think about and is vulnerable herself, being female and pregnant. The DH is not wrong to want to help this young man who is the brother of his daughter. As usual, the actual parent in the scenario, the mother, gets away with zero criticism for her own poor behaviour. The short term rescue is all well and good, but the DH needs to get young adult social services involved if he has no home, and needs to be mindful that he may not have the full picture of this young man's history/activities, and may be putting himself and his family in a vulnerable position - not least with regard to DBS compliance.

The boy is not related to either OP or her DH. And DH hasn’t had contact with him since he was a child - he’s now an adult, clearly vulnerable and in who knows what kind of trouble. To refer to him as extended family is ridiculous. And with other children to consider I don’t blame OP one bit for not wanting him in the house -she knows nothing about him or his circumstances, and neither does her DH. I don’t think OP is suggesting that they don’t help him, but she doesn’t want him staying there - there are other alternatives until mum gets back and they can sort it out. I would take issue with my DH if he even considered putting me or my children at risk for someone he hardly knows.

Why are people suggesting that the OP would take the word of someone she doesn’t know and who is clearly troubled ? She doesn’t know what kind of trouble he’s in or what he may bring to the door - or what kind of risk he poses to the other children in the house. There are alternatives to him staying - they can put him up in a hotel or B&B until mum gets back. OP says her DH doesn’t have contact with his ex and she’s clearly been financially abusive of the boy since she was made his appointee for benefits, so what on earth makes you think she would be open to a ‘family meeting’ - especially when you consider that the boy is no relation to DH and she made it clear when they split that she wouldn’t allow further contact ?

I would not be delighted either but I think the right thing to do is to help him out by letting him stay for a few days.

My initial thoughts were that he may be bringing trouble to your house if he is in dispute with violent folk and his mum has had to throw him out. But your updates make clear that he is a vulnerable young person who has been badly let down by others in his life. He's on PIP so he must have some sort of disability (?) His mum was conning him out of the PIP money and then got rid of him when she couldn't do that any more. Then his "friends" took advantage similarly. He doesn't have a proper home currently. He needs some help sorting out his life and support in place. It's not your responsibility, nor your husband's, but it would be the right thing.

Can you agree with husband a time limit on letting him stay?

OP risks damaging the relationship with DSD if she doesn't help out this young man that DSD clearly cares about and wants to help. Up to her whether she cares about the relationship with DSD, maybe she doesn't have much of one anyway.

He is related to her DH, via his daughter, of course he is extended family.

Have you considered that the agreement had been that the mum was paid his pip money to put towards his food/housing/electricity etc? He’s a 19 year old MAN after all not a child anymore!!! He needs to pay his way and if he isn’t working then he needs to contribute whatever he has!

"DH is head of year in a school" means he's head of year 9 or something, not a Headteacher.

That's a fair comment. I was working on the assumption that the lad's version of events is correct but the truth may be somewhat different.

If he’s receiving PIP he’s also in receipt of other benefits no? PIP shouldn’t really be for household bills so I’d still question why his mum would kick him out for not paying his disability benefits to her.

Surely we can have compassion for the young man without being quite so nasty to the OP? I think she’s being harsh and short sighted re the ex-SDS but questioning her as a parent is a bit OTT.

You're entitled to your opinion, as am I. I don't take anything back.

She was and is very reasonably concerned that her DH is inviting chaos and violence into their family home. He turned up,
a stranger to her, visibly beaten up and all he said was he didn’t want the police involved and would sort it himself. Regardless of motivation, that is not just cagey, but deeply concerning for anyone with any ounce of sense.

You have called this boy random more than once. Random would be a complete stranger from the streets unknown to you or anyone in your household, family, or friend group. That is far from the case.

This is not only your SD's brother but also a boy that your husband was once related to by marriage--a step son. Just because he hasn't seem in years doesn't mean that the relationship completely ends. Yet you continue to disregard or downplay this because you personally have never met the boy. Stop and think...at your SD's future wedding, this boy will be there, right? Ergo, he is FAMILY.

Would a cousin of your husband that he hasn't seen in years be "random" too?

Just because you haven't met someone doesn't make them "random."

You sound incredibly unkind, selfish, cold-hearted. I feel bad for your husband.

erm, they have the same mother, and assuming they grew up together (well 50% of the time is the ops SD stays at hers/her dads half the time). Same mother, ok technically half brother, but still brother

TF is a ‘distant stepson’? And how the fuck is a ‘distant stepparent’ somehow more responsible for housing a 19 year old man than his actual parents are? 🥴

He isn’t OP’s stepson. Hell, he wasn’t even her husband’s. Even if he was or had been, that does not make him 1, not a stranger to OP, and 2, her responsibility.

I think @thebabayaga2025 has decided he is a violent young man; has said anyone showing sympathy and understanding for a lad who has had a difficult time must be a complete doormat with internalised misogyny and has been personally abusive to anyone who disagrees with her.

There's no evidence in the OP that he's violent.

It's possible that he's dodgy but equally possible (and I think more likely) that he's an unhappy young man who has had an unstable childhood, has made some poor choices (as do many teenagers who come out the other side and turn into decent adults) and doesn't get on with his stepdad (the 3rd father figure in his relatively short life).

Talk of "sorting out himself" doesn't mean that he's violent. It doesn't imply that he is going to go and beat up whoever beat him up. It's far more likely to be a mixture of bravado and fear that adult intervention will make things worse.