To think school should’ve let me keep ds4 back a year?

[BulletinGuru]

hi im new here so sorry if this is in the wrong place.

my ds4 started reception this week, hes only just turned 4 in feb so hes one of the youngest. hes finding it really hard, crying every morning, not wanting to go in, teachers saying hes not joining in with carpet time and gets upset when hes told off.

i did ask last year about keeping him back until hes older but school said its not really possible unless theres “special reasons”. i just feel like hes not ready yet. hes still quite babyish, wants his dummy sometimes at night and struggles with writing. some of the other kids are nearly 5 and it seems unfair hes expected to keep up.

dh says “he will be fine” and i should just give it time but its horrible seeing him so upset.

aibu to think they should let younger ones start later?

I think a lot of people misuse the word "sensitive". It is supposed to mean particularly responsive to the feelings of others

It doesn't mean a child who lacks resilience/can't cope with age appropriate activities.

What does age have to do with anything? A 1st time mum at 40 will know the same about raising a child as a 1st time mum at 19, and both have access to the same information resources.
I was a young mum, potty training was a breeze and was done before she started nursery at 3, the dummy fairy was due to arrive the night before her 3rd birthday, she understood and helped me collect them all up to pop in the bag. She found 1 we missed a couple weeks later and give it to me to pass on to the fairy.
Age doesn't make someone less capable, it's the effort and wanting to learn

Op this is all you’re doing. What exactly have you done to ensure he was ready for school???? Lazy parenting if you ask me!!

i get what your all saying, i know i prob do give in too easy with him. i have done the pants only thing before, but he just held it in all day and then wet himself everywhere and screamed when i tried to sit him on the toilet. its like a power struggle and i end up giving up cos i’ve got the baby to deal with too.

nursery was private, they just said he was “young for his age” and very sensitive. never really pushed the toilet thing, just said keep trying. dentist has mentioned the dummy once but said as long as hes not using it in the day its not the end of the world, so i kind of left it.

i will try the dummy fairy idea, he’s really stubborn tho so i can see it being a meltdown. dh isnt much help tbh, he just says “leave him he will do it when hes ready” while i end up dealing with the mess.

and yeah maybe he does want more attention cos of the baby, he’s been very clingy since ds5 was born. even ds3 said the other day “[ds4 name] just wants to be the baby again” which prob sums it up.

i prob sound clueless but its hard juggling them all, esp with ds1 starting yr11 and already being in trouble at school for vaping this week. just feels like its always one thing after another here.

No he’s not one of the older half at all. He’s bang in the middle of the academic year. Depending on the class he might still be one of the youngest or oldest

If you are in the uk he’s not in the older half. He’s bang on half way. If he’s in Australasia he is young

Compulsory education is until the age of 18?

It might be a reaction to the new baby, but just young for her age, sensitive and stubborn were some of the ways people ( especially school) described my daughter before her differences became more noticeable and she got her autism diagnosis. She also wasn’t fully toilet trained until nearly 5, and not for want of trying! Turns out she doesn’t actually know when she needs to go.

If he's insecure or just immature because that's his developmental pathway, pushing him more than your instincts allow may make him regress.

Small children are programmed to develop holstically and become more independent. They do it whether you drive it or not. If he isn't doing it, maybe there's a reason you're not aware of.

It sounds like you've pushed him to the point of distress in the past. Don't allow yourself to be guilted into doing that more. It won't help.

Have you spoken to your health visitor about this?

This is really sad. You've neglected his needs and now he can't cope, isn't toilet trained and still has a dummy. Having extra kids isn't an excuse to not do the basics with the kids you have. Thinking about whether you can meet those needs should be done before adding to a family.

You could opt to home educate for a year. Get him toilet trained etc. He would probably have to go straight into year 1 next September but that could be more of a shock
as not much play. You would need to teach him phonics etc at home.

Weird one this suggestion.
Does he see his big brothers and dh wee at home?
get them weeing with the door open. Sounds mad I know, but the combination of seeing the boys at school and the “big boys” at home. Might flick the switch.

If he can hold it in all day then he is more than ready to potty train.
Come on OP he's your 4th! I don't understand how you've let it get to this point.

Quite often not in a school though, .

But a child could be one of the youngest depending on the class. My dd is a Feb born and most of her year were Sept-Feb born. Then a big gap then a small number really young. One of my ds years had most birthdays clustered really late in the year. The other had a year that was very evenly spread out.
so no, nationally not young but could be young in his class/year still

This!!!! Concentrate on actually parenting the children you have instead of popping out more!

Think your DH needs to step up as a parent @BulletinGuru

This is such an ignorant comment. Within ‘normal’ is a huge range. Some dc just develop later than others. Blaming the mum (and it’s always the mum who gets the blame 😠) is counterproductive and nasty. It can just be that child’s normal. So a misogynistic and ableist comment 👏👏👏

Mine was 4 years 8 months when they started school and they cried every morning for the first three months. It was hard but deferring was not an option. Mine is clingy and "sensitive", but in the end they got on with it. You just need to do the drop off and let him crack on. Teachers are usually quite good at distracting the kids from their anxiety and hopefully he'll soon find stuff at school that he enjoys.

We had some kids that had a dummy in their mouth on their way to school and it did look a bit out of place, but it wasn't my place to say anything obviously. Mine ditched it at 3 and we told them that there was a baby bunny that was desperate for a dummy, and that if we leave it on the windowsill, a mother bunny will pick it up and give them a present. DC did it and they found a present and a lovely letter from mother bunny expressing her gratitude, and DC was very pleased. They did drop their naps because they didn't sleep well without the dummy, but it was kind of the time to not nap anymore anyway, so it was fine.

I'd focus on the potty training first. Get it done. Mine was 2,5 years old and it took 3 days. I think we were lucky, but we were prepared for a few weeks of accidents. We bribed DC with chocolate buttons and every time they used the potty, we made a fuss and they loved it. You could probably skip the potty entirely now and just get him to use the toilet as that is what they will have at school. It's not too late! Just crack on and give it a few months and I'm sure he'll get the hang of it. 😊

Not really. She said herself she's not got time to do it properly as she's running around after the other kids, including a 14 month old (and then also the three that are older than him). Additional needs or not, no child is going to thrive without adequate time and attention and he has not had that invested in him by the sounds of it. She's just taken the path of least resistance and not done the basics to get him ready for school.

The OP hasn’t said about SEN, so your daughters situation isn't the same.

OPs child sounds over babied, and needs to be toilet trained swiftly, and weaned away from a dummy.

He’s school age, not a baby. 🤷‍♀️

I'm sick of hearing this! If he was in Scotland he'd absolutely be the very youngest. Our cut-off is February, with automatic deferral for Jan/ Feb birthdays, so many, many parents defer. Since Covid we now also have the right to defer if the child is not yet 5 (so even if child is 5 one day after schools go back mid August, you can defer). We're IN the UK.

There's a growing push for school to start at 6 (in line with many European countries) and I'm all for it. In my opinion, we should be looking to Finland for all educational decisions: all children would benefit from kindergarten, then fornal schooling from 6, or even 7.

I think you and the school are going to need to put a plan in place for the potty training side of things. I don't know how independent he is at changing them but plenty of spares of pants, shirts, socks will be needed as will a bag to put them in.

If I were you, and I have 5 also, I'd knuckle down and push ahead with getting up to speed with where he needs to be. Use the weekends to be entirely nappy free during the day to begin with. Make it exciting and how now he's a big boy in big school, he can be in big boy pants. Explain that nappies are for babies and demonstrate this with his little sibling. Any accidents he does have, try to encourage him to clean himself up and get fresh clothes to put on i.e what they are expecting in school.

Yes, it is going to be a battle at times, but you will get a small break whilst he is at school to mentally prepare for that. (I totally understand the baby and the housework means that you don't actually get a real break btw)

Get Dad and the other boys on board, maybe buy some sort of target for him to aim into to make it fun. Lots of praise and rewards for dry nappies and having a go at using the toilet.

I really wouldn't worry about the crying too much at this stage. It's all new and they've had a break over the summer and it will be some getting used to.

I would do one thing at a time though.

Day time nappy first, then dummy, then nighttime nappy. Give yourself a good few months to tackle it though.

He will be so proud of himself in the end when he masters it!

My son started this week (August birthday so recently 4). He struggled with drop offs but was fine after that and really enjoyed it. I think struggling with drop off is normal. Not being potty trained and using a dummy still is not normal unless special needs.

I think it’s right that school didn’t let you defer. You need to work on getting him ready. Having 4 other boys is not an excuse as you chose to have them and have a responsibility towards looking after them appropriately and that includes preparing them for school.

Any additional needs op?

Needing a dummy and not being potty trained at 4.5 is, as a pp said up thread, a you problem. Both challenges that need to be overcome at some point - dummy at bedtime can wait (for now, until the dentist tells you he needs braces anyway) but you really have to get a move on with toilet training op. Unless there are any additional needs there's no reason why dc shouldn't be fully clean and dry day and night by 5.