To think school should’ve let me keep ds4 back a year?

[BulletinGuru]

hi im new here so sorry if this is in the wrong place.

my ds4 started reception this week, hes only just turned 4 in feb so hes one of the youngest. hes finding it really hard, crying every morning, not wanting to go in, teachers saying hes not joining in with carpet time and gets upset when hes told off.

i did ask last year about keeping him back until hes older but school said its not really possible unless theres “special reasons”. i just feel like hes not ready yet. hes still quite babyish, wants his dummy sometimes at night and struggles with writing. some of the other kids are nearly 5 and it seems unfair hes expected to keep up.

dh says “he will be fine” and i should just give it time but its horrible seeing him so upset.

aibu to think they should let younger ones start later?

Did he go to any other settings before starting school?

He isn’t too young, it sounds like he hasn’t been prepared for the expectations of school - he should at least been dry during the day and shouldn’t be using a dummy anymore unless of course there are additional needs.

YABU , unless Feb was a typo your child is not only just 4 , he was born mid school year and there will likely be loads in his class that are younger than him . If you don’t think he’s ready for school then dereg and home school him for a bit but for his sake get rid of the dummy and ensure that you are dealing with him in an age appropriate way and not babying him .

@BulletinGuru if you are in Scotland then yes, your child may well be one of the youngest in the class. Not all users on mumsnet realise there is a difference and will question you.
Scottish schools have a cut off of end of Feb not August so that all children are at least 4.5 when they start. If you are in England/Wales then he won’t be the youngest but not unusual for some to struggle. I wouldn’t worry about him being wet through the night but I’d focus on trying to crack the daytime potty training (I’m assuming no additional needs-though if there were you would have justification to keep back a year).

schools are getting better at deferring younger children, but as others have pointed out your child is not young in year.

he doesn’t sound school-ready though.

did he go to nursery or pre-school?

rightly or wrongly there is an expectation that children wilL be toilet trained when they start school, at least in the day time. It may be worth reaching out for support on this - have there been physical issues?

Hes not one of the youngest, infact hes in the older half of the year
My son is 15 in September and is in the same year as someone who turned 14 25th August

But your DS is nowhere near being one of the younger ones.

Lots of children take a while to settle, and it has nothing to do with when they had their birthday.

It's definitely a case of you need to pull up your sleeves and try and get him up to speed than a school issue I'm afraid.

Focus on helping him rather than complaining about the school.

It sounds like you're still treating him like a toddler, not a 4.5 year old child.

He shouldn't be using a dummy at all at his age, and should most definitely be toilet trained (bar any medical issues).

It is hard then they start but most have gone to pre school 3/5 days a week by 4.5 and ready for school

as others said Feb birthday isn’t young and means he started 4.5

i could understand if like dd friend whose birthday is 31 aug and she started school - 4 and 1 day

but she’s doing ok now

schools cant change nappies when in reception unless sen and you need to work at getting him dry daytime

did you not try and potty train him one he was 4 knowing 6mths later he was starting school

His class has kids born in February March April May June July and August.

and you think he’s one of the youngest? In what universe?

There was lots in the news recently about how there an epidemic of children starting school still in nappies. Parents are being urged to put more effort in potty training before school starts.

our school has a policy where if the school-ages child is still in nappies the parents/carers must come to school to do changes as they cannot spend time changing nappies all day.

in afraid OP this is a result of a little bit of laziness from you. Spend some time now really helping him reach the milestones he needs to. You’ll both feel better for it.

It’s a shame that we start them so early in this country - many parts of the world don’t have them in school till they’re 6 or 7.

However - it is what it is. He’s not young for England. He doesn’t sound ready, though!

I think all you can do is keep him cheerful, don’t let him know you’re concerned and keep open communication with the school. It’s been a week, too early to know.

Hi OP. I think that in your circumstances I would:

-Be bright and positive to him when you speak about school and everything it entails - new friends, new experiences, learning, playing etc. Do not let him know about your concerns or let any anxiety show to him.

-Get rid of the nappies and toilet train now. Complete stop to daytime nappies immediately. Stay in all weekend and get him to practice asking going to the toilet, explain to him that he can ask his teacher/TA whenever he wants. Send in with spare clothes if necessary.

-Invite some new friends over for a playdate.

-Maybe find some books about starting primary school to read with him - eg Starting School by Allen Ahlberg, First Day in Bug School, there are others. There is also a book called 'wise before 5' about the things reception children should know. Can you buy this and read it with him? I don't mean quiz him, just sit down as a fun activity.

-Generally read at home everyday, visit the library, practice colouring at home, do activities involving numbers.

-Stay in contact with his school teacher and get her ideas about how you can help him settle, and find out what she is doing in school.

It is a big transition but he will be ok. Good luck.

How many days has he been to school for?

It sounds like he’s been babied so it’s hardly surprising he’s not ready for school. He should have been toilet trained (SN aside) and got rid of the dummy a year or so ago.

You need to help him through this process now, OP, don’t throw the towel in, it will send him the wrong message.

It’s a shame that we start them so early in this country - many parts of the world don’t have them in school till they’re 6 or 7.

Other countries might not have children in what they call school until 6 or 7, but that doesn’t mean children are at home until then. They still receive an education, in a pre school type setting, much like the play based learning that is supposed to happen in reception.

I absolutely agree with school they should not have to change a pull up!! Deal with occasional accidents yes, but not kids who are not fully toilet trained.

Unless he has a disability or physical illness he absolutely should be able to use the toilet!! what on earth have you been doing you need to sort this asap!! If he needs help - has he been to the Dr? have you had support from your HV?

I can’t believe you would have just left him to be so unprepared for school so there must be something else going on here.

Your son is one of the oldest in the class. July and August babies are the youngest. I don’t think any child should be able to defer their starting Reception.

My dd started 2 weeks after her 4th birthday, the youngest in the year.
She got upset going in for the first couple of weeks and didn't join in playing with others, she was more of a watcher.
She wasn't behind other kids on the educational side but did struggle socially.

Give it time, he needs to get used to his new routine. You try and be positive and jolly about it too, you don't want him feeding off your feelings.

I was just about to post something similar.

Its a common misconception that just because other countries start school at a later age that they aren't having a very similar experience to what children age 4 in English classrooms are having. It's just the same learning under a different name.

Exactly. Kids in other countries are still in some kind of pre-school or educational setting, it's just not "formal" school like it is in England.

This in a nutshell.

A FOUR year old with a dummy.

I can maybe understand the toilet training if there is undiagnosised SEN.

But the fact you've still got the dummy says you have not remotely considered getting your child ready for school, which you should have worked on and considered before, not when you get to week one and suddenly go ah.

The fact you say, 'hes one of the youngest' when hes born in Feb, says its very much a babying issue from parents rather than him being less mature in himself.

Have you considered ADHD or autism? Both my DCs were like this. They weren't happy until half way through year 1, when they started doing topic work and it peaked their interest. Until that point it was all about letter formation, phonics and developing gross and fine motor skills through play. ADHD kids are meant to be 2 to 3 years behind in many aspects of their life e.g. their executive functioning and emotional regulation, but not necessarily intellect which is where it can feel confusing as they may seem sharp, observant etc in some respects, but babyish in others.

It's still very early days, try not to underestimate the little guy but do speak to the teachers. They can easily do things to make him feel more comfortable and happy in the classroom. It might be he's struggling with all the noise, new faces, new expectations. Little kids start to become more socially aware at this age and feel those expectations more heavily, new emotions such as shame and embarrassment they didn't experience at nursery school. School should make him feel more comfortable, like letting him have his own desk or have his own box of 'go to' toys.

Toileting was also an issue for us, again school were supportive...it's seriously not uncommon at this age at all - even into year 1 and 2. It sounds like he will be fine but he needs support to feel comfortable, whatever that looks like, will likely need to follow school's lead on what they feel is best.

Struggling with writing is perfectly normal for a four year old. I didn't even know nurseries taught writing?

Surely if he turned four in February there are plenty of others who did so more recently. That's pretty much in the middle of the school year.

I'm sure he'll get used to it. Holding him back a year could be really detrimental.

Not in the uk but son has just started school
at 3.5 here. He has a comforter and I let him take it to school. I’d let him take the dummy in his bag or pocket if that helps him. Why does he not want to go exactly?? He’s shy? Bored? What’s the reason? Xx