To think school should’ve let me keep ds4 back a year?

[BulletinGuru]

hi im new here so sorry if this is in the wrong place.

my ds4 started reception this week, hes only just turned 4 in feb so hes one of the youngest. hes finding it really hard, crying every morning, not wanting to go in, teachers saying hes not joining in with carpet time and gets upset when hes told off.

i did ask last year about keeping him back until hes older but school said its not really possible unless theres “special reasons”. i just feel like hes not ready yet. hes still quite babyish, wants his dummy sometimes at night and struggles with writing. some of the other kids are nearly 5 and it seems unfair hes expected to keep up.

dh says “he will be fine” and i should just give it time but its horrible seeing him so upset.

aibu to think they should let younger ones start later?

Are children in Scotland typically still in nappies and using dummies at 4.5 years old? I don't think so.

He isn't the youngest, he is roughly the middle.
DD1 is September born,DD2 June, so is towards the youngest. I definitely notice a difference between them in terms of independence, but this narrows as they move through school.

DD2 only toilet trained at nearly 4, due to digestive issues (now diagnosed coeliac but we didn't know this then), and also has some brain damage from birth. Reception was tough for her, but her school put in lots of extra support, she has just started year 2 and there is no difference between her and her peers. She is in the highest group for reading and maths, class monitor, got awards at end of year 1 for kindness and responsibility. Sometimes it just takes time and the right support from school, and they catch up. And sometimes as the youngest they can get used to being 'babied' by their siblings and they need space to develop independence.

He won’t hate school or have broken confidence, he will be just fine. And it is a battle you can and will win, you just have to be totally consistent and persist.

Chew toys can be brilliant and undoubtedly have a place for children that need them, but they are in no way a substitute for a dummy. Chew toys and dummies provide completely different sensations and meet completely different sensory needs.

It’s also worth saying that even if some SEN is present, it is not a given that they have to be late to toilet train. Plenty of children with neurodiversity or mild learning delays or difficulties are capable of being toilet trained before 4 years old. Their physical development is not automatically affected, even if they need more time and teaching than other children.

Just get pants. Pull ups, potty training pants are confusing. Just get pants. And stick him in them on Friday when he comes home from school. He’s four and a half. Over that. Come on.

And ditch the dummies tonight. If he’s tired and grumpy he’s tired and grumpy. He will sleep better then won’t he.

I do not understand why you’re so passive. It’s your literal job to get him ready for school and you’ve failed. Time for you to put on YOUR big girl pants and parent!!

Yes I seem to remember that when I started primary school in the late 70,s there' were at least two if not three intakes, I started in the September as I have a November birthday I think some kids stated after Xmas, and others might have Been after easter.

You are letting him down badly by NOT pushing him and not being consistent. So what if he screams and cries at you? Your job isn’t to make his life sunshine and rainbows it’s to adequately prepare him for the world. You are a parent not a children’s entertainer. You have successfully taught him that if he screams and cries, you will give in to give yourself an easier time of it because fundamentally you have too many children for your level of resolve.

Parenting a sensitive child doesn’t mean you don’t push them, it means you have to expand their comfort zone further by gently and consistently putting them in situations that make them uncomfortable with lots of kindness and reassurance. Kindness doesn’t mean making everything better for them, it means supporting them to do hard things. ‘He can do the hard things’ needs to be your mantra with this kid from now on - he’s not going to break, you are making his life infinitely harder and less comfortable by not supporting him correctly.

Stop giving in to him. He won't hate school because you've potty trained him, OP, come on. I'd speak to the school, keep him home for a weekend + say 3 days and concentrate on him and on potty training him. Also send dummy away "by post" and get Dummy Fairy to bring him a chocolate coin as a reward. Worked a treat with my DS who adored his dummy and found it hard to let go - but we did, at 2yo. Your other half needs to take on looking after the other boys and bring some extra help for a few days to allow you to actually focus on your son who needs you. You need to catch up where you have failed to help him, don't delay it because it's hard for you. He needs to learn, he's more stressed out now than he will be when he goes to school actually equipped.

You can only defer summer born children, if he’s born in February he’s one of the oldest and can’t be held back a year. That said, it’s not compulsory that he is in education until the start of the term after they turn 5, so for your son that will be on April 1st 2026. You can discuss it with the school if you want to keep him home until then, they may be happy to hold the place until then although I don’t think they have to. It would mean he would only do a term of reception before Year 1 next September so it would be up to you if you think that is right for him. More information here: https://www.gov.uk/schools-admissions/school-starting-age

Sorry op the issue here is you saying ‘he is ONLY 4.5’. That is too old for these things to be issues. Stop giving into him and let him cry for a bit and get used to things.

Get rid of the dummy cold turkey.

Potty training isn’t always an instant thing. My boy took months, but it was an absolute priority for me to not send him to school in nappies.

And I like PPs really don’t understand why you think Feb born kids are the youngest, unless it’s an excuse you’re trying to make.

Do you have any other concerns,s other than the Late toilet training ?
Does he have any other Developmental delays ?

I found with potty training you just have to commit to it - get rid of the pull ups and deal with any accidents. Now they are at school it’s the right time to crack on with it properly and get rid of the dummies too - they will get used to it quickly enough.

I think the Op gets it now her son isn't one the youngest.

This is untrue. I’m from another European country where children start school the term after their 4th birthday.

Was it a school nursery or a private nursery?

Potty training should be done without any pull ups or potty training pants. Don’tnworry about over night traning that tends to be hormonal.

Has the dentist not mentioned the dummy? I wouldn’t do anything about taking it away over night until January now but don’t give it during the day, that should have stopped when he turned 1.

I would email the class teacher with your concerns - clingy and emotional immaturity and ask them to keep an eye out for any concerning behaviour.

I would also contact HV (he will be under them until he is 5) and ask to be sign posted to some parenting support. You can also ask the class teacher for this.

From a couple of posts it’s impossible to tell if something is going on or if it’s low parental expectations.

OP, you've left 'not ideal' in the dust. A child still in nappies at 5 is not normal. If you really can't train him, he needs to see a doctor to find out whether he can even feel the sensation of needing to go.

It may just be as you say, his parenting has been a bit neglected, this is probable as he's still using a dummy too but I'd want to know for sure there is nothing wrong because 5 is ridiculously old for nappies.

I agree with pushing toilet training from
around 2.5 year old my children were judgemental about children their age in nappies. By 5 my youngest understood that a child in her class has nappies because he his brain works differently and it will take him a bit longer to get the hang of using the toilet.

My son started at school this year. He was four in April. He still wears a nappy night. I knew six months before we joined that I would need to make him ready, he went to full-time nursery so I knew that he was used to being away from me for periods of time, so it wasn’t too much of a difficult change for him. The government sent out information about preparing your child for school which included preparing them for being away from you, and ensuring that and get their clothes on off, and also that they are potty trained as much as possible.

This is only one week so I think it’s very normal behaviour. However, as parents we do have a duty to try and make our children ready for this change. I’m sure you’ve tried your best with potty training, but we all have been warned and you had at least a years notice that he was gonna start school.

I’m sure we’ll be fine in a few weeks. I’m not sure holding him back would be helping anyone. I would wait till he settled in for a few weeks and try my best to potty train.

Yes my nieces started at 3 in France and had to be potty trained.

Also, OP how on earth do you have 3 older children and not know how the school starting age works? Did you not figure this out your eldest started and do your older ones not get invited to birthday parties that make it obvious the Septembers are the eldests in the year? And surely you’d know what’s required for starting school and that using the loo independently is one of them? I find the whole thing really odd tbh.

Not sure why people are having such a go at the OP. To my mind the only real issue is the toilet training, and this can be solved. I don't see a real issue with using a dummy at night or with being sensitive generally.

Deferring him a year to compensate for your failure to potty train is very unfair. Also if you continue to make excuses for why you're not doing it, he'd be no further along anyway!

He needs guidance and support for stressful situations, not to be removed.

A thread to get frothers going?

He is quickly learning “I cry I get what I want” this is an occasion where you need to be the parent and if that means some tough love and some days of extra washing or sleepless nights then so be it.

start with toilet training, plan nothing for the full weekend next weekend. Bin the pull ups and be firm. As he seems to respond well to attention then lots of praise and stickers when he uses the toilet but no comment at all when he has an accident other than “remember to use the toilet”

He is given the dummy during the day too.

I know it seems hard but it does sound like you've let him slip into a habit of making a fuss over doing difficult things etc and not making him persevere and become more independent.

Children get anxious when they have a hovering parent babying them. It removes their chances of doing things and realising they CAN do it for themselves.

You 100% need to get the dummy gone. Just go cold turkey - he is 4 and a half!!

Also go cold turkey on nappies. He's not a baby. If he screams/makes a fuss - impose a consequence. He is going to find school very hard if he used to be babied at home - they will not put up with it.