To think school should’ve let me keep ds4 back a year?

[BulletinGuru]

hi im new here so sorry if this is in the wrong place.

my ds4 started reception this week, hes only just turned 4 in feb so hes one of the youngest. hes finding it really hard, crying every morning, not wanting to go in, teachers saying hes not joining in with carpet time and gets upset when hes told off.

i did ask last year about keeping him back until hes older but school said its not really possible unless theres “special reasons”. i just feel like hes not ready yet. hes still quite babyish, wants his dummy sometimes at night and struggles with writing. some of the other kids are nearly 5 and it seems unfair hes expected to keep up.

dh says “he will be fine” and i should just give it time but its horrible seeing him so upset.

aibu to think they should let younger ones start later?

i think they both do, agreed

They wouldn’t have started school this week if they were in Scotland. They went back in mid-August.

OP, don't excuse your DH. These are his kids too and you're obviously not coping. Not sure what you expected with juggling so many boys of different ages, including a baby and your DS4. It looks like you're not paying attention to him. Nursery did make comments, where were you then? Did you follow up? He's slipping through the net in your household and you're so passive you're excusing it all, the boy needs you and your help. You and your DH need to get a grip and some help from family members to support your other kids too to allow you to get to grips with them all. You're clearly overwhelmed, juggling all of them is not a one person's job - I just don't understand your thinking.

OP, it sounds like you're overwhelmed and like you have some expectations for your DS that might be too low and others that might be too high. (I can only imagine having five sons! I have two sons and one on the way, and I feel completely overwhelmed myself sometimes).

As others have said, he shouldn't be in pull ups starting school. It does sound like the daytime pull ups are more of a power struggle. Have you called the ERIC helpline? They are experts and can be really helpful.

OTOH, accidents at night are really no big deal, as night dryness is hormonal and not something he can control. I know for a fact several boys in my DS's class were still in pullups at nighttime at the end of the Reception year. If you are giving reward/punishment for the nighttime dryness/accidents too, maybe that contributes to him feeling it's all too much?

Finding it hard to go in and not joining in with carpet time in the first week of Reception are totally normal. Some children will be doing it, some won't, and of the ones that are doing it, some will have wobbles later in the year. Once he's made a few friends he might find the social/emotional stuff easier, and he has had literally a few days to do that so far. Try not to sweat this yet and give him as much reassurance as he needs at the start of the day. Some kids in my DS's class were allowed to bring in a comfort blanket or cuddly toy from home in the first time to help with dropping off, would that be possble/help? (Probably not the dummy though)

As for writing, again there is such a range of normal at the very start of Reception. Mine could only do the first letter of his name at that point. By April he was able to write a short, badly spelled sentence and his teacher said he wasn't likely to meet the EYFS standards by the end of the year. However, it just clicked for him after that, and he did meet the standards and got a glowing report.

Writing will obviously come later on for your DS, once he's more settled and better able to concentrate. How are his fine motor skills otherwise? Mine did dough disco instead of writing at school for a while, which did seem to help.

I really hope it all improves for you and your DS.

This is a genuinely hideous and unhelpful judgmental response.

They are. If they are not 5 on the day the term starts they can defer. But we don’t have reception in Scotland so don’t believe OP is in Scotland.

Sometimes they change a few deets for "outing" purposes.

OP has also said started in reception which wouldn’t be the case in Scotland as they start year 1

Please don't taje this the wrong way, it's not in any way nasty. Why is a 4 and a half year old still in nappies? You might need to get some support with parenting.

you sound like the issue and are babying him as he's not the youngest by far. This is all a bit odd. he needs to be allowed to grow up - let Santa take his dummy for starters.

I think it's more the idea she thinks he's a little baby and too young in general and is holding him back because he cries so she gives in.

Nothing you've said suggests he would hate school once settled. A lot you've said sounds like when I try he rebels so I give in. So he wets his pants you stick him in nappies why? Get him taking his clothes off cleaning up putting dirty in wash bag redressing....he won't do it tough no playing until you do. Do you chase him with food? Feed him? Does he tidy up toys...made fun...? Can he put his shoes and coat on? Parenting is giving independence.

Stop having babies and start parenting the children you have!

People will be judgmental when a little boy is being failed by his parents, and rightly so. What’s more important - protecting OP’s feelings, or the physical wellbeing and development of a child?

Why have you not prepared your child for starting school? The dummy and nappies should have been gone years ago! 3 is too old let alone 4! How is he ‘one of the youngest’ when he is closer to 5 than 4? Some kids might have only turned 4 last week.

Agree with this! Why kick her when she’s already down and reaching out for help!

@BulletinGuru we had similar issues but with the baby bottle.

I told my daughter there’s a baby outside and he’s crying because he needs a bottle and if she places it outside for the baby and says bye to the bottle forever he would leave her a gift.

She was more than happy to leave the bottle and was happy with her gift and did ask for it at bedtime, but we reminded her it was now with a baby who needed it and he was happy that she had parted with it and she was fine.

With the potty training, you just have to keep at it, as I mentioned in my other post my daughter refused to poo in the toilet and would have a meltdown if we didn’t let her do it in her pull ups, we mastered it early this year.

Is there anyone in your family who can help you out? Sounds like you have so much in your plate xx

He would be one of the older children. They turn 5 during Reception not before.

This sounds more of a home issue than a age/school issue. You could ask teacher what they think you could do at home to help him through this.

September, October, November, December, January, February; first 6 months of the school year, therefore, kids born in these months are the older half of the year

March, April, May, June, July, August; second 6 months of the school year, kids born in these months are in the younger half of the year.

Not sure how you can argue with that.

Sorry OP but this is a you problem! Unless he has special needs, he certainly should be toilet trained and not having a dummy. Do you think you are babying him too much?

Let him have tantrums and screaming. Thats what kids do when they dont get their own way.

My daughter has just started year 5 and there’s a few boys in her class who are still clingy at the gate and cry and say they don’t want to go. No SEN (I’m friends with the parents).

It’s not just down to age; he could just be an anxious child and deferring him, even if you could, won’t help.

You really must get him out of nappies though.

Obviously, it's a bit of a shame if he's not enjoying it. But the poor lad has been there a WEEK. That's nothing.
Speaking as a reception teacher myself, I've often had kids who will cry daily until Christmas and then some. It's completely normal.
As for "struggling with writing", that's what they go to school to learn! That doesn't make him unusual/special.
And if he's a February birthday, he would actually be considered in the older half of the year. He's been 4 for over 6 months at this point. He's not a "new 4" like a child with a July or August birthday is. Not to mention, the number of children in the class who are already 5 is likely zero. The year starts on the 1st September. My birthday is the 29th September, and I was always the 3rd or 4th oldest out of 60 kids in primary school.

As for still needing a dummy, and not being toilet trained, that's an issue for you do deal with. There's no reason why a "normal" 4 and a half year old should be in daytime pull-ups. None at all.

How does he display his anxiety? It's pretty normal for a lo to pull back from new situations. Was he in a private nursery with lots of others his age or mainly younger children?
If he doesn't want to do something and starts screaming what do you do, lots of cuddles, oh dears and give in or an upbeat come on it will be fine?

The OP has clearly explained she has tried potty training - it's not like she's just not bothered.
It's not ideal but overall it doesn't mean he's being failed. I'm sure he will get there.