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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think school should’ve let me keep ds4 back a year?

283 replies

BulletinGuru · 06/09/2025 14:41

hi im new here so sorry if this is in the wrong place.

my ds4 started reception this week, hes only just turned 4 in feb so hes one of the youngest. hes finding it really hard, crying every morning, not wanting to go in, teachers saying hes not joining in with carpet time and gets upset when hes told off.

i did ask last year about keeping him back until hes older but school said its not really possible unless theres “special reasons”. i just feel like hes not ready yet. hes still quite babyish, wants his dummy sometimes at night and struggles with writing. some of the other kids are nearly 5 and it seems unfair hes expected to keep up.

dh says “he will be fine” and i should just give it time but its horrible seeing him so upset.

aibu to think they should let younger ones start later?

OP posts:
Ohmygodthepain · 06/09/2025 14:45

Sorry he's not enjoying it so far op.

He's not one of the youngest though, he's actually in the older half of the class, the younger ones will likely only just turned 4 in August.

He won't be the only one who's struggling though by far, it just takes time to adjust. Let the teachers look after him and ease him into things, they're very used to dealing with this sort of thing.

CloverPyramid · 06/09/2025 14:45

Is “turned 4 in Feb” a mistake? Or are you outside the UK?

If you’re in the UK and he’s a February birthday, then he’s not even in the younger half of the year. It sounds like he’s struggling and needs some help, but blaming it on his age is silly and risks you not identifying the real things that would help him.

Hoppinggreen · 06/09/2025 14:47

He does sound to be struggling but so will some of the other kids, even ones younger than yours.
Just persevere

Happyapplesanspears · 06/09/2025 14:48

Deferred entry in UK is for those born April-August - so if you are in UK he isn’t one of the youngest.

It also only been a week, many are very unsettled at this stage and for quite a while longer too.

Luxio · 06/09/2025 14:49

Is feb a mistype? If not he's been 4 for over 6 months and whilst it's a pity he's having a tricky time he's by no means the youngest and not in the criteria of april-august in which children can be deferred.

mamagogo1 · 06/09/2025 14:50

He’s half way through the year, hardly the youngest. I actually wish they hadn’t started this deferring situation because it muddies the waters, and we still don’t know what will happen at the older years because legally dc will be able to quit school after year 10 and parents won’t be able to stop them.

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 06/09/2025 14:50

Are you in the UK?

sittingonabeach · 06/09/2025 14:53

If you are in England he won’t be one of the youngest and won’t fall in the summer born category.

Fixeditralph · 06/09/2025 14:53

Why is everyone telling the OP that she’s wrong, she hasn’t said that she’s in England! If Feb is the cut off in her country (like it is in Scotland) then why not just assume that she’s right and her child is one of the youngest and give her some support or useful advice?

Obsesetits · 06/09/2025 14:54

Needing a dummy at 4 years old is entirely a you problem, not them. Thats far too old for one and you are the only person that hasn’t put a stop to it. I know that sounds harsh but it has no bearing on his readiness for school.

Some kids are more confident in starting school than others. The best thing you can do is encourage him, don’t pander because you’ll just be feeding his assumption that school is scary/not enjoyable ect. You need to support him in a way that builds his confidence.

I have a shy kid too, she spent the first few weeks upset that she had no one to play with, and was sensitive to getting told off. She is much more confident now and loves seeing her friends.

smallpinecone · 06/09/2025 14:54

He’s in the older half of the class…

You say he’s quite babyish - keeping him back won’t help him progress, will it? You need to encourage and support and persevere, pushing forward to help him progress. You seem to think he’s still a toddler, and he’s not, he’s a little boy now and you need to encourage him to grow and mature, not remain ‘babyish’.

He’s only just started, so it’s a big adjustment, but you’re not doing him any favours.

OurStepsWillAlwaysRhyme · 06/09/2025 14:55

It's probably more helpful to focus on what you can do to ensure that he has the skills needed for school. Is he not used to sitting quietly while being read to? If so, it's not surprising that he struggles with doing so at school. Is he treated like a toddler rather than in an age-appropriate way (a dummy at night at 4!)? Does he draw/ write/ use fine motor skills at home?

Original poster
BulletinGuru · 06/09/2025 14:55

thanks all. maybe i got mixed up with the ages then, i just thought feb was still on the younger side cos hes not 5 yet.

i prob should of said too hes not properly toilet trained yet. still in pull ups most days and has accidents at night. i did mention this to school but they said they cant change him. i just feel like hes not as ready as the others, hes very clingy and cries a lot when i leave.

maybe it is just normal settling but i just hate seeing him like this.

OP posts:
sittingonabeach · 06/09/2025 14:56

I thought Scottish schools were more generous in letting children start later so I assumed there wouldn’t be a problem delaying start.

Luxio · 06/09/2025 14:56

Fixeditralph · 06/09/2025 14:53

Why is everyone telling the OP that she’s wrong, she hasn’t said that she’s in England! If Feb is the cut off in her country (like it is in Scotland) then why not just assume that she’s right and her child is one of the youngest and give her some support or useful advice?

Edited

The term reception is only really used in England and Wales in my experience.

The OP clearly sees him as young and he still has a dummy but that doesn't mean he is actually one of the youngest.

JasperTheDoll · 06/09/2025 14:56

BulletinGuru · 06/09/2025 14:41

hi im new here so sorry if this is in the wrong place.

my ds4 started reception this week, hes only just turned 4 in feb so hes one of the youngest. hes finding it really hard, crying every morning, not wanting to go in, teachers saying hes not joining in with carpet time and gets upset when hes told off.

i did ask last year about keeping him back until hes older but school said its not really possible unless theres “special reasons”. i just feel like hes not ready yet. hes still quite babyish, wants his dummy sometimes at night and struggles with writing. some of the other kids are nearly 5 and it seems unfair hes expected to keep up.

dh says “he will be fine” and i should just give it time but its horrible seeing him so upset.

aibu to think they should let younger ones start later?

How is he one of the youngest if his birthday is in February? My dd turned 4 on Friday the 30th of August and started school the following Tuesday. That is what you would class as one of the youngest, along with several of her classmates who also had August birthdays. They didn't ask or need to be kept back because of their age.

JasperTheDoll · 06/09/2025 14:57

Luxio · 06/09/2025 14:56

The term reception is only really used in England and Wales in my experience.

The OP clearly sees him as young and he still has a dummy but that doesn't mean he is actually one of the youngest.

Show quote history

And Scotland schools went back weeks ago.

Zanatdy · 06/09/2025 14:57

He isn’t one of the youngest being Feb born. My DS2 was 14th Aug, and 2nd youngest. He was absolutely fine. Kids adapt. Did he go to nursery? You are entitled to keep kids back a year, but does tend to the summer born and I don’t think it’s necessary unless some developmental issues.

Thedoorisalwaysopen · 06/09/2025 14:59

So he has been in a matter of days and you are throwing in the towel?

In all fairness OP, this is on you. It is your job to get him school ready. You knew this was coming! You are treating a school age child like a baby. He should be potty trained (SN not withstanding), and you should have ditched the dummies and got him used to being away from you ages ago.
This will be a rude awakening, but it will do your kid the world of good. The writing is not a big issue, but the rest is very worrying.

PornOfCopia · 06/09/2025 14:59

Assuming that you're in England, there is no option to delay the start of a February born child.

The school should be looking at other ways to support him if he's having a hard time transitioning though, irrespective of his age. Have you spoken to the teacher to see what they suggest?

miniaturepixieonacid · 06/09/2025 15:00

If all or most of the April-August children defer then he could be one of the youngest with a Feb birthday. In a small school it's possible that a few deferrals would result in that situation.

It's rough that some get to defer and others don't based purely on a few months. It should be done like independent schools do - case by case on a criteria of maturity and need, not age in months.

Luxio · 06/09/2025 15:00

BulletinGuru · 06/09/2025 14:55

thanks all. maybe i got mixed up with the ages then, i just thought feb was still on the younger side cos hes not 5 yet.

i prob should of said too hes not properly toilet trained yet. still in pull ups most days and has accidents at night. i did mention this to school but they said they cant change him. i just feel like hes not as ready as the others, hes very clingy and cries a lot when i leave.

maybe it is just normal settling but i just hate seeing him like this.

It's very unlikely any of the children are 5 yet unless you have one with a very early September birthday in the class. There are children born in March-August in his class who will all be younger than him.

Did he go to nursery it's quite unusual for him to have a dummy and not be toilet trained at his age.

Sirzy · 06/09/2025 15:00

Unless a child has a birthday between 1st and 6th September then the whole class will still be 4.

It’s still very early days, be patient and things will improve. Keep evenings and weekends low key so he gets plenty of down time. If he is still struggling in a few weeks you could broach the idea of part time for a while but that can come with cons as well as pros.

smallpinecone · 06/09/2025 15:00

BulletinGuru · 06/09/2025 14:55

thanks all. maybe i got mixed up with the ages then, i just thought feb was still on the younger side cos hes not 5 yet.

i prob should of said too hes not properly toilet trained yet. still in pull ups most days and has accidents at night. i did mention this to school but they said they cant change him. i just feel like hes not as ready as the others, hes very clingy and cries a lot when i leave.

maybe it is just normal settling but i just hate seeing him like this.

But this a problem of your own making OP.

You haven’t got him toilet trained, he still uses a dummy… he’s not a baby anymore. You need to stop treating him as one, because you’re not doing him a kindness in not helping him learn the skills he needs to learn in order to navigate school (and life more broadly).

CommissarySushi · 06/09/2025 15:01

What are you doing to work on the toilet training and removing the dummy?