To think school should’ve let me keep ds4 back a year?

[BulletinGuru]

hi im new here so sorry if this is in the wrong place.

my ds4 started reception this week, hes only just turned 4 in feb so hes one of the youngest. hes finding it really hard, crying every morning, not wanting to go in, teachers saying hes not joining in with carpet time and gets upset when hes told off.

i did ask last year about keeping him back until hes older but school said its not really possible unless theres “special reasons”. i just feel like hes not ready yet. hes still quite babyish, wants his dummy sometimes at night and struggles with writing. some of the other kids are nearly 5 and it seems unfair hes expected to keep up.

dh says “he will be fine” and i should just give it time but its horrible seeing him so upset.

aibu to think they should let younger ones start later?

“Reception” also used in some states in Australia

deep breath @BulletinGuru It can be a bit harsh around here.

but there is good advice and you may need to hear it.

You can definitely help him to transition, as said ditching the dummy in time but much more important is to get the toilet training nailed. Staying home for a few weekends and really being on it and not using pull ups during the day will have it sorted.

for bed time I’d be inclined to leave that and the dummy until you’ve achieved reliable dryness during the day. One thing at a time.

it will all be ok, he will settle. Reception is learning through play and he won’t be expected to start writing paragraphs or quadratic equations. They’ll be introducing the expectations and getting them gently used to sitting and listening etc.

Are you sure nursery had nothing to say about a 4.5yo in pull ups and using a dummy? Are there concerns about additional needs?

I sympathise because children vary so much. My January born son was far less ready for reception than my May born daughter. The first term was a huge stretch for him - but I am so proud he rose to it.

You do need to push your child on a bit. It’s not fair on anyone, least of all him, to be in school in nappies. Assuming no SEN as you’ve not mentioned that, he is old enough to understand and you may as well spend the rest of the weekend on potty training. No more daytime nappies, it’s the only way. You can’t keep putting nappies on him during the day, he needs to know when he’s having an accident and learn to understand his body and head for the toilet when he needs it. Sorry if I’m stating the blindingly obvious.

In reception, my son also wouldn’t pick up a pen, wasn’t interested to learn to read or do phonics. Teachers are amazing and a couple of years on he’s doing really well.

dh thinks im overthinking but i just hate seeing him cry and clingy at school

You need to start treating him like the 4yo he is. He's not a baby anymore.

I'm not sure aibu was the right area for your post op. Some people on here are so desperate to stick the boot in that they have nothing constructive to offer

My little girl is autistic and she still struggles now getting into school at year 5. However, in reception, it did sometimes help when she went in with a friend, or I made a game of her getting to the door first.

Ask the teacher or even ta if they have any tips for helping to get him into school a bit more settled.

And as for the dummy, my daughter still had hers at night in reception sometimes, she gave it up when she was ready and her speech is just fine

It's still very very early days, so plenty of time for him to get used to things xxx

I never understand the ‘he gets stressed’ excuse. Would you rather he got a bit stressed at home, with you, while learning the perfectly age appropriate skill of potty training and non-reliance on dummy, or got massively stressed at school in front of his teachers and peers without you there. You’ve opted for the latter - why?

@arethereanyleftatall most people don’t defer though (in England)

Some of the kids in his class could have still been 3 a week ago, turning 4 on august 30th. They are the youngest in the class not your 4 and half year old. He's one of the oldest.

He’s not one of the youngest at all.
Summer born babies (June onwards) are the young ones.

How is a Feb born child "one of the youngest"? He's 4y 7m. That's actually in the older half for Reception.

Why is he having a dummy still? It's not good for his speech or teeth.

You are babying him, OP, sorry to say.

I also have a 4yo, much younger than yours. It's not been an easy week but we're persevering.

What are you doing to support him? How did you prepare him for his first day? What do you do after school? How is his eating and sleep? He needs rest and streamlining things for the first few weeks, as well strictly limited screentime. You need to build up a routine. If you suspect he's ND then you need to get on a waitlist but I can't see from your post this is a worry.

A 4y 7m child should not be held back a year IMO.

I really think you need to get on top of the toilet training now, rather than waiting any longer for him to settle in to school. Who knows how long that would take, and then you could end up with a 5 year old in nappies.

Legally, children do not need to be receiving a full-time education until the term AFTER their child terms 5. So you could take him out of school and start for the summer term after Easter. The school can make it difficult if they wish, but there is no legal requirement for your son to be attending school until the summer term. You can ask the LA if you need to "defer" the place until summer, or if you just need to tell them that you no longer require his place, then reapply for summer term.

And he's in nappies??? How did you manage that and why? OP, you need to pull your finger out and start parenting.

Obviously he won't settle into Reception by himself because you failed to prepare him, he is probably stressed out about toilet and the fact nobody is mollycoddling him like you have for far too long. You haven't built up his independence and I really don't understand why.

“I know its not ideal hes in pull ups but hes only 4 and half”

He’s nearly five years old!

It really isn’t ideal, no. Put all your efforts into helping him master this. You keep saying he’s ‘only’ that age but he’s a school child now. You’re doing him no favours by babying him - quite the opposite; he’s now at a disadvantage when starting school. Your reaction to that seems to be that instead of helping him master these skills, you’d rather he was kept back a year. Who would benefit from that - him, or you, because you don’t need to make the necessary effort?

When he is crying at handover what do you do? We find often the children who are “clingy” are actually responding to the clinginess of the parent. I would try to drop and run and much as possible! Can your DH do some drop offs?

Deferal has been changed to the first day of the school year birthdays in August to February now. It was legally changed in 2024.

He’s not one of the youngest at all. DS was born at the end of August and he was one of (if not the) youngest

Mine was like this. I promise it does get easier and it does get better. It feels awful. I know, your little heart breaks every day and heart sinks at bedtime the night before.
it will get better. Work with the school, they’ve seen it a hundred times before. Hide your tears and upset for on the way home!

It seems she had a bit of a go but her son got "stressed"
Its a bit late now OP but you should have been on this since about age 3. Part of your job is to prepare your child for starting school.
Its going to be even harder now as he is already coping with a big change but you really must do what you can, you are doing him no favours by babying him.

Are you sure nursery had no concerns re his toilet training and use of dummy?

Why did you not tackle these things before he went to school?

Send him in part time legally they don’t need to be there full time til they are 5.

He’s really not one of the youngest. He’s one of the oldest. I’m sure as soon as you’ve dropped him off at school in the morning he’s absolutely fine. Little kids know exactly which buttons to press to get their own way! It sounds like he’s very good at it if you’ve been giving into his stubbornness! You need to get him potty trained as quickly as possible. I’m amazed that his nursery didn’t help you get this sorted before school. Quite rightly school won’t change him so he needs to get sorted. Have you tried the ping pong ball in the toilet game? Giving him something to ‘aim’ at usually helps boys get the hang of weeing in the toilet. Until he’s cracked it, you need to take his pull-ups off any time he’s not in school and get him used to pants and going to the toilet. Take him to the toilet on the hour every hour and even if he doesn’t ’go’ get him used to going through the motions. Get him some handwash with his favourite character on the bottle so he’ll want to wash his hands. Turn it all into a fun activity. Give him lots of praise. You can do this! But you’ve really got to push him as he needs to be school ready NOW!

I'm not sure aibu was the right area for your post op. Some people on here are so desperate to stick the boot in that they have nothing constructive to offer

I'm not sure it's "sticking the boot in" to ask why a 4.5 year old is still using a dummy and wearing nappies/pull-ups. The fact that so many children are starting school in nappies was even in the news this week.

His confidence will actually be higher if you push him a little bit out of this babyish comfort zone you've built around him. I think that both you and him will get impressed by what he's actually capable of doing.

Stop asking moment to moment if he wants nappies and dummies, the fear of the decision will mean he always says yes, even if on reflection he'd like not to be in nappies at school. You are the adult here and need to step up and help him put two and two together - 🙂‍↔️ nappies in school meals making some effort with the toilet now.