To think school should’ve let me keep ds4 back a year?

[BulletinGuru]

hi im new here so sorry if this is in the wrong place.

my ds4 started reception this week, hes only just turned 4 in feb so hes one of the youngest. hes finding it really hard, crying every morning, not wanting to go in, teachers saying hes not joining in with carpet time and gets upset when hes told off.

i did ask last year about keeping him back until hes older but school said its not really possible unless theres “special reasons”. i just feel like hes not ready yet. hes still quite babyish, wants his dummy sometimes at night and struggles with writing. some of the other kids are nearly 5 and it seems unfair hes expected to keep up.

dh says “he will be fine” and i should just give it time but its horrible seeing him so upset.

aibu to think they should let younger ones start later?

My boy is a March baby so younger than yours, also started reception this year. He never did nursery or preschool and has only ever been in our care or his childminder (2 days a week) so it’s a huge adjustment for him. However, we prepared him for months to get him ready for school by working on skills like independence with dressing and toileting, social skills and being away from us like you’re supposed to. He went in on Tuesday no problem and although was a bit quiet after his first day, he’s been fine for the rest of the week because he knew what to expect and what to do.

Your boys age isn’t the problem, you’ve failed to adequately prepare him for school like you’re meant to as his parent. By the time they get to school they should be potty trained and comfortable leaving you for the day, he’s 4 and a half he’s not a baby. School are right not to keep him back a year - why should your child be disadvantaged and different from any other child when it’s you as parents who have failed him?

This is what teachers are up against. 4.5 year olds in nappies and still having dummies. You need to toughen up and get him ready for school. A lot of kids cry the first week or so but they soon get used to it.

I would concentrate on day time potty training. Night-time dryness can be influenced by a hormone, so leave that for now. Although dummy not great for speech or teeth, I would do one thing at a time, so day time potty training.

Have a snack ready when coming out of school and have earlier bedtime. Many children (even those who have been in full-time nursery) can struggle in the early days of school. Ask school is there anything else he struggles with eg lining up, taking turns etc. Get the social skills sorted. Don’t worry about writing or reading yet. But do read to him. Can do things to help fine motor skills. But don’t push too much

If this is for real and you are in England then I’d make it a priority to speak to your Health Visitor, which he’ll still have because he’s under 5. A dummy and pull ups are not normal at 4 and a half so it sounds like either there’s some undiagnosed SEN, medical issues and/or you’re struggling with age appropriate expectations and awareness of developmental norms. They could hopefully give you some support, helpful resources and if necessary make referrals re SEN or continence team.

I know its not ideal hes in pull ups but hes only 4 and half

This is your problem right here @BulletinGuru

ONLY

He's closer to 5 than 4.
He's at school.
He's not a toddler. He's a school aged child.

Stop babying him and teach him to develop age appropriately. No ONLY about it.

The compulsory age for starting school is the term after their 5th birthday. If OP wanted, she could keep him back until Easter next year.
I realise that there are many other reasons for starting now, but it may reassure parents who feel their child isn’t ready.

Have you consider seeking some professional advice to try and work out if is in nappies and using a dummy because he has some developmental delay or if he isn't and could be helped to catch up with his peers? I don't wish to be unkind but this isn't normal for a child his age and for his sake I'd be looking into this and what the next steps should be whether that's looking into a diagnosis or other help.

@BulletinGuru its not breaking his confidence, or stressing him out - it’s the opposite. By letting him feel the stress of no dummy, then learning it’s actually fine, you are teaching him how to handle stress, that he can overcome these things, and that over the hill he will be totally fine. That’s teaching him resilience and boosting his confidence - it’s the opposite actually of what you are talking about!

You cannot parent by letting him ever feel stress. All that will happen is that he will feel stressful situations in life and not be able to manage them because you are teaching him it’s best to avoid them. Stop this because you’re setting him up for failure. He needs to experience a bit of stress and learn he can do it anyway and it’s fine. Then next time he won’t feel such an extreme avoidance reaction and then the next time, even less etc. Tough love now and he’ll be fine!!! Let go of the OTT babying.. it’s not helping him. Some babying is fine- eg cuddles after school etc and quality time together. But he must grow and learn and develop ready for all that comes in life. Lots of luck to you op. Xx

thanks everyone, i know i prob should push him more, weve tried potty training so many times since he was 2. i mean proper tries, not just putting him on the potty once in a while, lots of stickers and rewards, even tried the little toilet seats and everything but he just refuses sometimes, will scream and cry and sometimes just wee in his pull up anyway. i cant force him to go if he’s not ready and sometimes i feel like im breaking him just trying too hard.

we do take him every hour when we can but with 4 other boys in the house and dh working it’s tricky to keep it consistent all day. he’s really stubborn and anxious and as soon as i push too much he just shuts down, same with the dummy, he still sucks it at night, he cant sleep without it sometimes, ive tried to take it away over summer but then he barely slept and ended up grumpy and clingy at nursery.

i know its not ideal and everyone keeps saying i’ve babied him but i just dont want to make him hate school or crying more than he already does. maybe im making excuses but he’s just always been sensitive and a bit different from the others.

I might be wrong, but I was under the impression that kids could wait until age 5 to start school in the UK.

Maybe focus on getting rid of the dummy this weekend. We just went cold turkey and threw it straight in the bin. There will be tears, but he will also get over it pretty quickly.

Could you not send him to school for a week or 2 to sort out the potty training?

It’s hard when they don’t seem ready for school. My youngest (just turned 5) is incredibly babyish. Still talks in a baby voice, cries over everything, screams her head off when I leave. It’s hard, but there isn’t another option so she kind of has to get used to it.

I know it’s hard to see them upset etc though x

without sounding awful this is entirely on you, it’s not a new thing they go to school at sept after 4, you’ve had plenty of time to get him ready. All children are differently and develop at different stages but you need to be doing more.

also the delaying a year is through the local authority not the school so you’ve been given incorrect advise from the wrong people.

being dry overnight isn’t an issue so don’t even have that on your radar. My just turned 4 year old (literally 2 weeks ago) also isn’t dry at night.

alot of children struggle with change, this has to be your focus, hope things improve

Honestly OP this is crazy and you should contact you health visitor, maybe some parenting classes or targeted support could be available. Lots of children are starting to be potty trained at 18 months, and would also be weaned off a dummy in the daytime at that age too.

You need to stop with the mindset of “oh, I know it’s not idea but he’s only 4 and a half…” because before you know it he will be 5 and a half, still in nappies and sucking on a dummy because you don’t want to see him “stressed”.

Sometimes children have to do what they don’t want to do, and as parents the best thing you can do is guide them through that process not give in to it. Instead of giving in when he was “stressed” about going to the toilet, you should have persevered because now you’ve got another situation on your hands that he doesn’t like. He’s expecting you to give in, just like you always have, but this time you can’t so it’s probably confusing him and making it worse.

What you're describing doesn't sound like sensitivity to me. You're either babying him, or there is SEN at play, or both. What did nursery have to say about the potty training? If he's your 5th child you really should be a dab hand at potty training by now, or able to identify if something is amiss. I don't quite get why you've done nothing.

"he barely slept and ended up grumpy and clingy at nursery."

.....let him be tired and grumpy for a few nights.

First thing I’d do would be find every dummy in the house and bin them. Tell him the dummy fairy has taken them if you want to do that but get rid of the dummies tonight.

Then next weekend, toilet training. I’d just tell him he’s a big boy at school now and he has to go to the toilet. Get rid of the pull ups and put him in pants and a top. And if he wets his pants he will not like it coz it’ll be wet and cold.

You are doing him no favours babying him - and it’s not his fault you have 4 other children and your DH works. He needs you to parent him effectively.

even tried the little toilet seats and everything but he just refuses sometimes, will scream and cry and sometimes just wee in his pull up anyway.

if a pull up is an option, he will take it. Put him in pants.

I'm really confused that you appear so unclear of thing but have 4 other older boys?

It sounds a little like you've babied him as he's your last child and he knows if he puts up a bit of a fight you will back down?

I think sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. Not all kids happily potty train at a point when they feel ready, they more likely have to be made to do it in a firm but kind way. Agree with the PP, I wouldn't worry about night nappies, there'll be others in his class that still use them at night.

Is he your youngest?

Every single one of reception start when they’re 4

Why can’t you just bin the dummies tonight?

I have autistic twins, and my DS is nearly 16 years old and still in pull-ups, day and night. So I’m always on the lookout for an indication of SEN on posts like this.

However, from what you’ve said that doesn’t seem to obviously be the case.

If I’ve understood correctly, you’ve not made a concerted effort to potty-train, just tried “a bit”. Kindly OP, that’s not really on. It’s not fair to send a child to school without even trying to potty train them.

You’re also talking about him as if he’s much younger than his peers. None will be 5 already, unless their birthday is in the first week of September. All the children will turn 5 between September and the following August, so if anything, he’s turning 5 quite earlyish.

Do you think you tend to baby him, rather than encouraging him to develop independence?

Presumably he was OK at nursery but is now crying and clingy at school - why? Is it just the change of setting? Or have you potentially said anything to unsettle him “Mummy will miss you so much now you’re at big school” type of thing?

Nursery often don’t identify SEN so the fact he is “sensitive”, doesn’t like writing, still uses a dummy, and isn’t potty trained COULD all be potential indicators that something isn’t quite right. In isolation none are of particular concern but when put together it MIGHT indicate something more.

However, when you have a SEN child, it’s a process of elimination. We have to take positive steps to prove it’s not our parenting before SEN is considered. You need to get him toilet-trained as an urgent starting point, as well as figuring out why he’s suddenly clingy. Does he settle quickly? Does he cry when he sees you at pickup? Is he fretting about going back in the next day? All are important questions to consider if you think there’s a possible delay or SEN. But you really have to consider your parenting too and whether you’ve done what you should to get him to where he needs to be.

If you’re comfortable there’s no SEN, then you need to proactively help him to become independent and adopt a brisk approach to dropping him off, not “extra cuddles” which make separation harder.

It’s very, very early - Reception kids are still very young and it can take a while to settle.

If all else fails and it’s just not working, you can opt to home educate for a while. That would give you the extra year at home and you can put him back in school next year. However you’d have to put in the work to help him develop the necessary skills because otherwise by the time he rejoins school he’ll be even further behind in terms of his social development.

Mmm he is only a school aged child in England. Literally no where else in the world has a school starting age at 4 years old. In Scotland it is 5 and some children are nearly 6 due to the new deferring rules that have not been that long introduced. Some parents opt to send their 4.5 years children early, usually for their own reasons and not to benefit the child. 4 is Literally too young for all that is expected.

The problem with not preparing a child for school is that while it may be stressful doing potty training (certainly was for my two) it gets much much more stressful once they are at school and it becomes apparent they are not ready.

you now have a stressed child and you aren’t in a position to remove the stress. Which is a much more difficult situation to be in.

dummy isn’t great but the potty training is the more important thing.

if your child “needs” the dummy at school or at bedtime you could consider using something like this instead - chewelry which is used for children with autism. It’s less obviously babyish.

https://www.chewelry.co.uk/

I would also seriously consider speaking to your GP or health visitor because if you have worked on potty training for bit and are having issues they may be able to help.