People just turning up at house

[Canipetthatdawg78]

I feel like this may be a mixture of being on my period and having only managed to get to sleep at 4:30am last night but I digress...

my FIL and BIL just turned up completely out of the blue to our house. I was slobbing on the sofa in my pajamas with unwashed hair, the kids aren't dressed - generally our house is fairly tidy most of the time but I had a busy day out with the kids yesterday and
got back late so the kitchen is a mess and it's just not "guest" ready.

It was one of those really personal moments where I felt so comfortable just slobbing around with my own little family and we were all happy doing our own thing and now I have to suddenly be "on" as well as worrying about being judged for my hairy legs etc 🤣

Am I being unreasonable for feeling really irritated? I could very will be and will accept it if I am... it's not early in the morning, we're all pretty close and I get on with them very well I just could have done with a heads up y'know?

I absolutely do let people know in advance that I'd like to visit. What's normal for you definitely isn't normal for everyone else in the whole real world.

I find it a bit weird and inconsiderate that some people just randomly turn up at relatives' houses. I would never do that. I always call first to see if it's a good time for them to have visitors or not. My own relatives afford me the same courtesy. I do the same with friends as well.

I’d hate this SO much.
In fact I’d have walked upstairs and shouted my partner to come greet his surprise family. Took a bath and my sweet sweet time.
BUT: I live alone and this is one of the reasons that I’ve never married. I know it sounds extreme, so no need to point that out 😂

I feel the exact same way as you. If someone turned up unannounced it would unsettle me. I'd have to ask them politely (but firmly) if they could let me know in advance that they are coming round in the future.

I am not sure i care how my PIL see me.... they visited a few hours after giving birth so they saw me looking rough. They also stay overnight and we go to them....mil brings me a cup of tea so sees me in my pjs and rough hair.... she also bought me maternity pads when I was desperate.....

Perhaps our relationship isn't the norm.. i truly like my in laws.... . but they also know if they turned up unannounced they will be making the tea and probably do the washing up....

Is this a typically English man home is his castle type of feeling? Lived in other countries and never heard of this anti visitor policy until here . Nothing wrong with it if you feel this way but it is maybe why the English have a reputation for being formal.

I typically wouldn't have texted ahead as I wouldn't want people to feel like they did have to make an effort . I want to see them , not judge their housekeeping or style at home . And if they were dying hair , waxing , it would be fine to say fuck off I'm having a maintenance day .

you can't walk into my house without a key. I am always surprised when others have a door that gets left unlocked. I can latch mine up so it won't close if needed.

I come from a time before mobiles and not many people even had home phones. Sundays were "drop in day" and I remember my parent hating it.

I wouldn't like it either and would ask them in future to at least text an hour before setting off, even if they won't go to the lengths of asking if it's convenient! But I bet you didn't look as bad as you think. Relaxed and homey would be the look.

Speak for yourself. And it's not about 'appointments' (yawn), it's about respect for people's time. It was all very well and good to just turn up on someone's doorstep when there were no other means of communication, but in this day and age it's polite/considerate to check first whether it's convenient to visit.

Be glad someone wants to see you. Many don't have family close by to just pop in! Speaking from experience here. I would love it!!

It's nothing to do with being "formal" and everything to do with having consideration for the other person and their plans.

I don't want people turning up at my door when I'm having a lazy day on the sofa, or feeling under the weather, or maybe cooking lunch or doing DIY. It's rude to just assume someone can drop everything and host you without the slightest bit of warning.

"My own little family" makes you sound like Snow White.

So many different feelings about this . I would hate to think I ever did this to someone and made them feel angry , upset or anxious. Guess you have to tell people how you feel as obviously others don't feel the same way and don't realise .

In any of the countries I have lived in, I have never heard that it was not rude to expect people to drop whatever they were doing to host someone who think their own time is more important?

I wouldn't want people to feel like they did have to make an effort .
Even if the house is a show-home (and mine is always "visitor-ready" because I can't stand mess), having to change my plans and reschedule my day for you IS an effort, why can't people see that?

Would you turn up unannounced in someone's office in the middle of the day to have a cuppa?
No.
Why do you think it's acceptable in their own home?

The trouble is, some people do turn up unannounced and expect you to drop everything and host them. I remember this happening a lot in my family when I was younger, no mobiles then but practically everyone was on the phone, and able to ring beforehand and check it was convenient, and they didn't. I always used to think it was inconsiderate to just turn up and expect us to jettison our plans for the day and start rattling teacups instead.

HRTWT but just wanted to add my FIL used to do this regularly and I hated it. Then one day (prior to DC) I had locked the door, gone in the shower and I was naked upstairs carrying and fetching my stuff while my lotion dried on my skin. And in he walks! He had a bloody key I didn't know about!!! Opened the door and waltzed on in! Let's just say he's never ever done it again 😅

By that logic nobody should ever complain about anything then.

I hear you, but would you be just as keen on a spontaneous pop-in if you were in the bath/shower/the toilet/cooking a meal/sitting with a face mask on and the doorbell rang at that exact moment, and they could have checked if it was convenient but hadn't bothered?

🙄🙄🙄

People do this because they don't want you to be able to say "No thanks" to a visit. There is no other reason.

And yes, you do need to lock your door properly.

Nah.

My absolute pet hate is people just turning up without ringing or texting first. They get a bit of a frosty reception when I open the door. I never just rock up to anyone's home, it's rude.
My OH has sometimes forgot to tell me his Dad is on his way round (ADHD brain) and when I open the door I'm poe faced with a 'Are you ok?' not a 'Oh hello!' 🤣

My BIL knocked our door before 9 yesterday when I was still in bed and DH was in the shower, I just didn’t answer it 😂

It could be as simple as juggling working and child care for the entire summer holidays, which is great, but is exhausting, not having 1mn of peace for yourself because you are either working, or entertaining the kids.

The house is finally quiet and empty, you take a 15mn break with a coffee to breath and BAM, Linda decided she was bored and needed entertaining and comes to talk your ears off. No, just no.

Or you have a million things to do, and must be done by a certain time. Do you need interruption and messing up your entire day, or having to give up your run to make up for the wasted time?

Again, no, just no.

Leave people alone, they are busy, if they want to see you, they invite you.
Invite them first: coffee at my place tomorrow at 10, and see what they reply!