To not want to cook for my sister and nephew when she comes over?

[Cantheowneroftheredcorsapleasemovetheircar]

My sister lives in Australia with my nephew, soon to be 12.
She's coming over for a visit next month and obviously we spend as much time as possible with her while she's here.
Last time she came was Easter last year and I had everyone round my house for an Easter roast.
My mum is asking me to get everyone at mine together again for a roast as I have the biggest house and my roasts are "amazing" (they are, even if I do say so myself 😜) and she's told my sister that she's sure I will do this and sister is now looking forward to a "proper British roast". Great.

Last time she was here, she came into my kitchen while I was cooking, opened the oven while my YORKSHIRES were in there (!!!!) and put in a cheese and tomato pizza. She then gave this to her son because "he won't eat roasts".
This pizza was not discussed with me, she didn't ask if she could shove it in my oven and made no attempt to get nephew to join in and eat what the rest of us were eating. I then had to try and get my kids to eat their vegetables while their cousin is sat two feet away, chowing down on pizza.

I don't want pizzagate happening again, and I don't want nephew eating something my kids would rather be eating right in front if them (they like roasts, but it's PIZZA) but sister will insist its necessary because nephew is autistic.

I have suggested that he eat before he comes but sister says she doesn't want him excluded (neither do I)

I've suggested we all just have pizza but sister wants her "proper British roast" and I love cooking for everyone and giving my family food cooked with love.

What to do?

**it’s my one crime”

No Op, it isn’t. Being a judgemental unwelcoming martyr (I am up at 4am!!) is your “crime”

I can't oder it in. It's a specific pizza from a specific shop thar nephew will eat.

So it’s really thoughtful your sister bought it

Just don't cook the family meal then. Honestly, all this anger over a pre teen who has challenges with food and your focus is about you and your pride. Go out for a meal, moan you'd have made a nicer roast and make yourself miserable that way. I don't think you'll enjoy any meal that's not completely your way.

If it’s going to upset you this much again just don’t host. Or listen to all the other posters and cook or order the kids pizza. Simple.

sorry your sister opened your oven with the Yorkshires in last year, maybe time to seek some therapy if you still care this much. I think it might be time to move past this.

If you love cooking then this is just about you having control. If your kids can eat vegetables they’re old enough to have a chat about their cousins being autistic and still learning to like them and feeling happier with his safe foods in other peoples houses.

Well, she was unreasonable to open the oven door without asking for sure. Did she not check first?

Otherwise, its a non issue. Surely you saw her getting the pizza ready and could have said don’t open the oven, I’ll pop it in when the Yorkshires are done otherwise they’ll collapse?

My autistic son would consider asking him to eat leg of the table easier than to consider the roast lamb. As with most things in life , you've either been to Vegas or you haven't. You don't realise how much eating and smells of cooking impacts people with autism This isn't picky eating its an ability to cope with smells, taste and texture. I suspect your sister realised there was no point trying to explain this, as you clearly do not get it. He's your nephew. He has additional needs. He lives thousands of miles away. I would have thought this should have been the least of your worries. My ds has eaten pepperoni pizza for Christmas dinner for the last 11 years of his life. My hope is, he will become more confident around food as he grows ( showing small.signs sometimes he might chance some different). He's never forced or made to feel compelled to eat something because that's what everyone expects of him.

If you thought/felt like that it was self absorbed of you, at best.

So petty op. Get over it

Why do you want your nephew to eat something he doesn’t like?

Absolutely non issue. Cool the kid pizza and don’t be a witchy aunt from England

Oh and why get up at 4am?! Crazy.

Tbh I just feel pity for those who can’t see beyond this kind of food option, or who feel they have to stick to “safe” options. I feel sorry for them that they’re missing out on great food but if they’re someone I occasionally host for, I’m not going to try to change their food habits, I’ll just accommodate. And definitely in the case of an autistic child who needs a particular brand of pizza!

FWIW we used to spend a lot of time with a really foody family, excellent really inventive meals, complicated stuff. Their eldest loved it all, their youngest didn’t and they just accommodated her, cooked sausages instead of the fancy alternative main option etc. And whenever we stayed they checked with us which bits we thought our kids would eat and we figured out what to do to accommodate. Their younger child is now a chef, did an about turn in late teenage years.

Now you know there’ll be fussiness just ask for goodness sake. And tell her to stay out of the kitchen!

Assuming there is no massive backstory where actually you and your sister don’t get on at all and assuming you are being truthful when you say you like cooking surely the solution though is not to refuse to cook for your sister and nephew again. If the issue is that she opened your oven without asking and put in food you hadn’t planned for then it will be very easy to avoid that happening again, because you know now that DN won’t eat a roast. It would be very simple to ask your sister in advance ‘what safe foods can I cook for nephew’ or ‘which pizza should I buy?’ and to then build it into your plan so that you can put it in the oven at a suitable time. A frozen pizza literally just needs shoving in the oven for 10 minutes, it’s not going to be a massive additional faff in the grand scheme of cooking a roast and if needs-be just remove one of the other dishes you were planning to do. For the sake of one meal you may need to just relax on this a bit so that everyone can feel comfortable!

What’s the solution though? Your idea of him eating beforehand is clearly so unfair! Eating is a social thing, just because he doesn’t like what you’re cooking doesn’t mean he has to miss out on that. I think with most big family meals we have various things on the go catering to different people including kids. If you really love cooking for everyone like you say, you’d factor in something for him.

Why don't you buy the pizza and tell your sister you'll take care of all the cooking, including the pizza? It's really not difficult.

It’s a one off, they have very little influence on your family. Families of autistic children have enough to deal with without shaming by those closest to them (I don’t have autistic kids myself).

I would do the roast, do the pizza and extra pizza in the middle of the table. It’s party roast time! It’ll be clear to your kids it’s a one off.

I know sibling dynamics are complex but rise above it, be the bigger person and over facilitate her and she then shouldn’t come into your kitchen.

You clearly feel put upon in some way in this scenario but honestly if your kids eat their veg and are NT and she is battling food with a ND child she will feel on the back foot already. Be extra kind and then secretly treat yourself afterwards for being extra patient.

Sounds like you're more bothered about yorkshire puddings than anything else.

Do you wonder why your sister didn't discuss the pizza with the beforehand? She knows what you're like, clearly.

Yup, if you hadn't been doing that none of this would have mattered. Yorkshire Puddings should only be served with beef!!

Just seen your update with the main issue being her opening the oven with yorkshires in - I wouldn’t know this is a faux pas, I’ve never made a roast - just tell all guests or have a sign on oven - do not open me without asking op!

Buy that , then.

Why are you being so self absorbed and up yourself about this? It's really weird.

It really isn’t. People act like it’s a crime of the century to have yorkshires with the wrong meat, when actually it really really doesn’t matter, at all.

Have the discussion with your SIL beforehand.

Right. And even that didn’t give you some kind of clue of how difficult it must be parenting this, and that your sister needs support, not berating because your precious Yorkshires are 1 inch lower than they would have been but taste exactly the same.