To not want to cook for my sister and nephew when she comes over?

[Cantheowneroftheredcorsapleasemovetheircar]

My sister lives in Australia with my nephew, soon to be 12.
She's coming over for a visit next month and obviously we spend as much time as possible with her while she's here.
Last time she came was Easter last year and I had everyone round my house for an Easter roast.
My mum is asking me to get everyone at mine together again for a roast as I have the biggest house and my roasts are "amazing" (they are, even if I do say so myself 😜) and she's told my sister that she's sure I will do this and sister is now looking forward to a "proper British roast". Great.

Last time she was here, she came into my kitchen while I was cooking, opened the oven while my YORKSHIRES were in there (!!!!) and put in a cheese and tomato pizza. She then gave this to her son because "he won't eat roasts".
This pizza was not discussed with me, she didn't ask if she could shove it in my oven and made no attempt to get nephew to join in and eat what the rest of us were eating. I then had to try and get my kids to eat their vegetables while their cousin is sat two feet away, chowing down on pizza.

I don't want pizzagate happening again, and I don't want nephew eating something my kids would rather be eating right in front if them (they like roasts, but it's PIZZA) but sister will insist its necessary because nephew is autistic.

I have suggested that he eat before he comes but sister says she doesn't want him excluded (neither do I)

I've suggested we all just have pizza but sister wants her "proper British roast" and I love cooking for everyone and giving my family food cooked with love.

What to do?

"When you’re a decent cook, catering for a crowd and want to get things as perfect as possible - which can all be quite stressful - things like this are really, really annoying."

But in the grand scheme if things, when you only get to see your sister and nephew once a year or less, surely it shouldn't take on such proportions?

Though I must admit I would have been cross too because i didn’t let my daughter get away with this, she was a nightmare getting her to eat anything as a toddler / preschooler but I didn’t give in, despite the meltdowns and refusal, being sick, I carried on offering a full diet, my life would have been far better aside if I’d allowed chicken nuggets and chips daily but I didn’t, bloody nightmare years, but around 13/14 she started to eat without a battle when she started being vegetarian, I said I would only make her meat free food if she ate veg and pulses. By 12 you have missed the crucial window on food, afrid develops younger and fighting is essential

@NuovaPilbeam the child is autistic

Well to avoid pizza gate this time, just ask your sister in advance what nephew's current safe foods are and say you're happy to accommodate them. Then plan round it - all kids eat the same, or ask your DC if they'd prefer a roast or pizza/whatever their cousin is having.

She shouldn't have barged in and cooked the pizza, but maybe she was stressed about confronting you in your kitchen.

It's all just poor communication.

I get you op. I have a similar family set up.

I was hosting and sweating over a hot oven trying to put the finishing touches to a lovely home cooked meal and suddenly handed a tray of insipid frozen chicken nuggets. Something I would never have in my house. I was really put out. It’s an insult. And all of a sudden I’m having to keep an eye on them as well as everything else. I just kept quiet for the sake of family peace but I understand your annoyance.

I guess you could always say no to the roast.

Would you really not make accomodations for a child with a disability? He is autistic, it’s very common for people with autism to have difficulties around certain foods and many have ARFID. Would you insist a child with a disability that meant they needed puréed food or to be tube fed also ate the meal you were providing because to do anything else is ‘picky.’

The child is autistic, not fussy.

But this isn't about asking me to accommodate a diretry requirement, this is about sister coming into my kitchen while I'm cooking, opening my oven without asking, and shoving a pizza in there with no prior discussion whatsoever.

you don’t seem to be blessed with self awareness op given your responses on this thread. So I’ll help you out. Have you considered that your sister did this because of how YOU behave? Utterly precious about stuff, clueless and unsupportive about autism etc that she didn’t dare raise it with you?
yorkshires taste great regardless of whether they flop which is all that happens if you open the door. It’s happened to me many a time and I don’t care less. All that’s happened is you don’t get your Instagram yorkshires, but so what?!? That’s not important

So don’t do a roast. With all those vegans/ veggies it’s obviously not the best choice and it takes hours. Make something else. Big veggie curry for example or pizza and garlic bread buffet. No need for drama.

Still YABU even with your back peddling about your main concern having been risk to the Yorkies.

I feel like OP is getting a disproportionate roasting here, excuse the pun!

Maybe the child is autistic, and they both live on the other side of the world - but the sister handled the situation badly and that's what's caused the problem. Nobody is going to react well to something being thrust on them and their children with no notice, and getting involved in the kitchen without asking or checking IS really rude and unfair on the person cooking. Because of the situation with the yorkshires and other similar issues that somebody waltzing in could cause.

Perhaps the sister didn't see the problem and gets all excited about a big roast because she doesn't cook big meals from scratch like this and realise what an effort it is, and how much skill and planning is required to get everything ready at the same time in tip top condition. Maybe she just chucks easy food in the oven all the time. Maybe all of you giving OP such a hard time do the same.

Whatever happens, this time won't be as bad as last time because you know it's coming...

I see 3 obvs options:

1. ask sis what nephew likes to eat and find a family meal that everyone can eat (this is dependent on quite how restrictive his diet is)
2. cook the pizza for nephew (and your kids too if that makes life easier) but in the oven you want to at the point in the cooking you want to and make clear DON'T TOUCH MY F*ING YORKSHIRES!!!!
3. don't cook if you think the effort isn't worth it for the level of appreciation - it doesn't matter if Mum or Sis want differently - they're not cooking! Going out could be an option and you could frame this positively - you quite understand why nephew wanted/needed pizza but this also created a difficult situation with your children and you'd like to avoid; if you go out everyone can choose what they like to eat. (If there's any chat about costs you can point out how much it costs you to do a whole roast with a shoulder of lamb...)

When you’re a decent cook, catering for a crowd and want to get things as perfect as possible - which can all be quite stressful - things like this are really, really annoying

I don’t want things to be “perfect”. I just want all my guests to feel happy, comfortable and relaxed. And if that means my autistic 12 year old nephew eats pizza…. I’m happy to accommodate. If i saw my sister put the pizza in the oven, I’d silently think “my yorkies!!” But to her I’d say “so sweet of you to sort it but next time just let me know and I’ll get whatever pizza he likes in”

Oops, missed that line 😳

The biggest issue is why you are serving Yorkshire puddings with lamb.

Missed that line, it's early 😔

Who cares what anyone eats? So long as everyone is having a nice time. Go out for a meal instead. Or do a buffet for everyone. Chill out.
oh- missed that the nephew is autistic. My daughter is autistic, I’m lucky that she will sit at the table with everyone else- she can do maybe 5 mins before she has to have a sensory break and takes herself off to another room. She’s never even eaten solid foods, so I’ve never, ever eaten the same meal as her and she is 18. Let the poor kid eat what he can and just relax about it.

This is exactly how I felt.

I’d have been asking upfront if my autistic nephew had any preferences so that I could get something in for him, and on finding out it was pizza I’d then think maybe the other kids would prefer that too, and offer it to them. If they prefer the roast dinner then they can have it.

You’re making a very big deal out of nothing here.

Your sister was v rude just assuming she could come and use the oven while you’re cooking in it, without checking with you. Especially with yorkshires!

But if her autistic child won’t eat roasts but she loves them, I’d be doing all I could to give her a lovely roast and feed the child however she suggests - but not via her opening the oven at surprise moments!

This last post sounds more like you don’t want to put yourself out for your sister or cook for her because she got in your way when you were cooking last time and risked your yorkshires, and didn’t discuss her sons dietary requirements with you first. TBH I think that’s a bit childish of you, though she was thoughtless last time.

Check with her what he needs to eat so you can plan it. Warn the kids that nephew doesn’t like roasts and he’s a guest so he’ll be eating different and you don’t want to hear a peep from them about it. (There’s no way on earth mine would prefer cheap oven pizza to slow roast lamb and gravy!)

Or you can tell her straight that her lack of warning last time when she put a child’s pizza in your oven was such a terrible thing to do that you don’t want to cook for her or accommodate her family ever again. But this seems a tad extreme…

Just be upfront and clear nobody opens the oven whilst your cooking and do all the kids pizza (white rabbit ones are vegan).

Well if all the kids would prefer pizza, why not get them that? It's a special occasion for them too. I'd order in pizza and then your oven is safe.

I used to order pizza on Christmas Eve for son to have on Christmas Day when we all had Christmas Dinner. The world did not end, and he only wanted it for a few years as then he preferred roasts.

This is not a problem.

Yes, I know 😂 and I knew this would come up 😂

I serve them with every roast and I even cooked them last night to go with just sausage and mash

I know it's naughty but it's my one crime. I am rigid on everything else. We eat seasonably, and I don't allow the wrong condiments with the wrong meats! 😂

So let me off please

When you’re a decent cook, catering for a crowd and want to get things as perfect as possible - which can all be quite stressful - things like this are really, really annoying*

Surely spending time with family you don't see much is more important than yorkshire puddings?

The child has food issues. You explain to your children that he has special dietary needs and he has to have X.....perhaps liaise with sister to find something other than pizza? Child then eats X, everyone else eats roast

You see your sister and nephew irregularly. Be accommodating

I don’t know how you can be in 2025 with what 30% and rising of neurodivergence, and be this clueless.