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Original poster

Newish relationship - Waking me up.

263 replies

isitoverreacting · 05/09/2025 18:22

I don’t know if I’m overreacting or just hyper aware due to my past relationship.

My ex partner used to deliberately stop me from going to sleep. I’m aware it was one of the abuse tactics used along with many others. At the end of the relationship they admitted that they had done that deliberately because they hated to see me rest.

I’ve been seeing someone for just over a year. They know about this part of my last relationship because I have told them.

The new person I’m seeking is often telling me that I work really hard and that I need more rest and sleep.

A few weeks ago, DC was up in the night so I was up with her and it takes me a long time to get back to sleep. I eventually did. Both me and DC was asleep in her room after being up most of the night.

we finally got to sleep at 7am!
soon after, the person I’m seeing came in the room and nudged me awake saying “heh, you ok?”

I was fuming inside. Thinking “why on earth have you woke me up?!”
then DC also woke up. When this happened my partner stood up and said “I’ll let you go back to sleep then”. I said that’s highly unlikely to happen considering both me and DC were now awake

so I basically explained that I’ve been up all night and that I was in DCs room Trying to get her back to sleep and so that I didn’t disturb my partner. I was annoyed to be woken up for absolutely no reason at all.

Anyway, last week, The person I’m seeing stayed over at my house. I got into bed and explained I’m absolutely exhausted. I’ve been working really long days and I was completely and utterly shattered. So I said I need to go to sleep because I’ve got a banging headache and my eyes are stinging because I’m so exhausted. I fell asleep only to be woken up half an hour later by my partner saying “ I think I can hear someone having sex next door” And laughing about it. Again, I was really annoyed because once I wake up, it takes me about two hours to get back to sleep sometimes

I said there is no chance someone’s having sex next door. And it could be the TV or something. But I don’t see it as a reason to wake me up.

i’m aware that I could be completely overreacting with this and I’m hoping it’s not going to happen again. I’d like to think not because I explained that I really need my sleep and when I’m woken up, I can’t get back to sleep.

I don’t think it’s malicious either. I think it’s just a case of not thinking.

OP posts:
Lucy2586 · 07/09/2025 10:25

isitoverreacting · 05/09/2025 18:22

I don’t know if I’m overreacting or just hyper aware due to my past relationship.

My ex partner used to deliberately stop me from going to sleep. I’m aware it was one of the abuse tactics used along with many others. At the end of the relationship they admitted that they had done that deliberately because they hated to see me rest.

I’ve been seeing someone for just over a year. They know about this part of my last relationship because I have told them.

The new person I’m seeking is often telling me that I work really hard and that I need more rest and sleep.

A few weeks ago, DC was up in the night so I was up with her and it takes me a long time to get back to sleep. I eventually did. Both me and DC was asleep in her room after being up most of the night.

we finally got to sleep at 7am!
soon after, the person I’m seeing came in the room and nudged me awake saying “heh, you ok?”

I was fuming inside. Thinking “why on earth have you woke me up?!”
then DC also woke up. When this happened my partner stood up and said “I’ll let you go back to sleep then”. I said that’s highly unlikely to happen considering both me and DC were now awake

so I basically explained that I’ve been up all night and that I was in DCs room Trying to get her back to sleep and so that I didn’t disturb my partner. I was annoyed to be woken up for absolutely no reason at all.

Anyway, last week, The person I’m seeing stayed over at my house. I got into bed and explained I’m absolutely exhausted. I’ve been working really long days and I was completely and utterly shattered. So I said I need to go to sleep because I’ve got a banging headache and my eyes are stinging because I’m so exhausted. I fell asleep only to be woken up half an hour later by my partner saying “ I think I can hear someone having sex next door” And laughing about it. Again, I was really annoyed because once I wake up, it takes me about two hours to get back to sleep sometimes

I said there is no chance someone’s having sex next door. And it could be the TV or something. But I don’t see it as a reason to wake me up.

i’m aware that I could be completely overreacting with this and I’m hoping it’s not going to happen again. I’d like to think not because I explained that I really need my sleep and when I’m woken up, I can’t get back to sleep.

I don’t think it’s malicious either. I think it’s just a case of not thinking.

I have been with 2 guys like this. My child’s father used to Purposely wake me up after no sleep with our child it was controlling and awful and the second was a selfish night owl that would just start a conversation with me when I was asleep and it’s the most annoying thing. I stopped letting him stay then stopped staying at his and it fizzled. I have a 12 year
old and she is not a baby but still have to be up and about with her and with work on top i am not having anyone spoil my luxury of sleep.

Invigoron · 07/09/2025 10:29

Isinglass20 · 06/09/2025 20:34

You can’t imagine how unpleasant I can get if I don’t get enough sleep. A really filthy temper.

So I’d have given OPs friend the following warning: One more time you try this on right then you’re out. Get it?

He’s already had enough chances, starting with OP telling him how her ex admitted to waking her up as he didn’t want her to get rest.
GET RID! No need to speak to him. Just Block him with no explanation.

Invigoron · 07/09/2025 10:32

Sunnyscribe · 07/09/2025 08:12

I wouldn't wake someone up to tell them someone having sex next door, i'd let them sleep.

I think considering you background it reasonable for him to be aware that waking you is a trigger and to only do it if necessary.

I would ask him not to wake you unless it's important just so it completely clear that you don't like it.

Why give him another chance ?!?! He doesn’t deserve it

ChristmasFluff · 07/09/2025 10:32

SunnySideDeepDown · 05/09/2025 18:50

I don’t think this relationship is working. He sounds immature.

In the future, personally, I wouldn’t talk about prior abuse tactics with new partners. You don’t want to scream vulnerable. Abusers often seek out easier to abuse women which past relationships can indicate (not always).

This is such an important point. Don't share your previous abuse with others until they have earned the right to know about it by enduring consistent considerate behaviour towards you.

Lack of consideration also shows a lack of empathy - the inability to put yourself in someone else's shoes. I need considerably less sleep than most people, but since I have empathy, I am careful to not wake others when I am awake. It's the basics of being a considerate person.

OP, your partner is inconsiderate. If you want to try to educate them on the basics of human behaviour, then give it one go. Tell them you cannot be in a relationship with someone who wakes you up, even if they say it is unintentional (because you have no way of getting in their head to know if it is unintentional or not).

If they wake you up again, you know they do not care enough about you to comply with a perfectly reasonable request. Be done with them.

Invigoron · 07/09/2025 10:35

Falseknock · 06/09/2025 23:21

If it was me I would be asking why wouldn't I. Did something happen is she okay? It's natural to ask questions when you are concerned.

She has children as well and a new man is sleeping in the bedroom next door to where her child is. Her child is probably confused. I think it's right that he asked and her reaction wasn't right. The whole set up feels wrong. I feel sorry for her child/children. She needs to get to know him first before having him around her children.

Show quote history

You would wake her and her child up to ask her ?! Even though she told him about ex?!
It Is thick behaviour.

BunnyLake · 07/09/2025 10:38

I would give him the ultimatum of one more time you needlessly wake me up (only life or death situations allowed) we are over.

If it’s not deliberate then I couldn’t tolerate the stupidity, so either way it would end.

Invigoron · 07/09/2025 10:45

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 06/09/2025 18:13

But you have told them several times and explained in advance about your three day shift and how tired you were... so if its thoughtlessness he must have the thickest of thick skins.

How many other things are you going to have to explain several times to no effect.

Show quote history

“Thick skinned” means something completely different to someone being “thick”

MissDoubleU · 07/09/2025 10:47

Queenofheart · 05/09/2025 21:15

I agree, this pisses me right off 🤬

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Why? Does the gender of the partner make the slightest bit of bloody difference to the advice she should be given?

Sowingbees · 07/09/2025 10:47

I wouldn't want someone I was dating walking into my child's bedroom.

BeltaLodaLife · 07/09/2025 10:49

@isitoverreacting
Why the hell is a new partner staying over when your kid is there? Why have they even met? Not only that, but they’re actually going into your child’s bedroom. Are you even thinking?

What is it with single mums losing all sense and responsibility when there is the chance of a shag?

I’m a single mum. My boyfriend didn’t meet my kids until I’d been with him for 16 months. He didn’t stay overnight with them in the house until about 19 months. You’re in a new relationship, and this person is sleeping over and letting themselves into your child’s bedroom. Have you even taken a minute to consider the privacy, dignity and safety that your child deserves?

Uzume13 · 07/09/2025 10:52

I struggle to get to sleep and stay asleep! Anyone waking me up after I’ve explained how much I need my sleep will be out the door!! You’re not overreacting at all! At best your partner’s behaviour is completely selfish.

I read an article once that said the things that annoy you at the start of a relationship are the reasons it ends. Maybe cut out the middle part and find someone who actually cares about your health!

dottiedodah · 07/09/2025 10:59

I personally would be furious. No one comes between me and my kip! I think he sounds thoughtless TBH. I also worry that when he woke you, saying he could hear someone having sex that he was horny and wanted to wake you to DTD as it were .

Americano75 · 07/09/2025 11:05

As a one off, fine. But doing it again? Nah, chuck him back.

SouthernFashionista · 07/09/2025 11:09

niadainud · 05/09/2025 18:29

Why do you keep writing, "the person I'm seeing" instead of using a pronoun?

God knows. ‘They’ is just ridiculous. Or are you seeing two people?

supersop60 · 07/09/2025 11:10

“Hey, person I’m seeing - I’m off to bed now. Dont wake me!”
If they then wake you, it’s not just thoughtless, it’s downright disrespectful and antagonistic.

Falseknock · 07/09/2025 11:26

Invigoron · 07/09/2025 10:35

You would wake her and her child up to ask her ?! Even though she told him about ex?!
It Is thick behaviour.

Show quote history

She has him sleeping next door around her children. You don't know what trauma her child has suffered. The op needs to take responsibility and not allow men stay in her child's home. Let them have their safe space back.

Netcurtainnelly · 07/09/2025 11:56

Bin him.
No normal person does that.
Your attracting weirdos.

Woompund · 07/09/2025 12:05

Falseknock · 07/09/2025 11:26

She has him sleeping next door around her children. You don't know what trauma her child has suffered. The op needs to take responsibility and not allow men stay in her child's home. Let them have their safe space back.

Show quote history

But you were justifying the partner waking her up 'to check she was ok'. What does any of what you've said after that point have to do with the justification for waking her up?

Dontlletmedownbruce · 07/09/2025 12:26

Donttellempike · 07/09/2025 08:50

Some people will literally excuse any male behavior. Wanting to sleep undisturbed is not a quirk FGS

Show quote history

Excusing him? Ffs he woke someone up, I'm sure you have done the same in your life, would you be ok being called abusive or being dumped for this? This person has nothing to do with her exs abuse. If you woke a new partner up and he started shouting or crying and then posting it online you'd say he was abusive too I'm sure. The Ops overreaction is because of her sleep issues and her history, that's the important context for her irrational behaviour. The new partner is not the problem, if he continues to do it knowing the OPs issues then yes it becomes a problem but blaming someone for another person's reaction now at the start of a relationship is ridiculous.

Invigoron · 07/09/2025 12:35

Falseknock · 07/09/2025 11:26

She has him sleeping next door around her children. You don't know what trauma her child has suffered. The op needs to take responsibility and not allow men stay in her child's home. Let them have their safe space back.

Show quote history

But why would you also wake OP & her child to check on her because you are worried ??!!
You have not responded to my question but changed the subject…

Invigoron · 07/09/2025 12:38

Dontlletmedownbruce · 07/09/2025 12:26

Excusing him? Ffs he woke someone up, I'm sure you have done the same in your life, would you be ok being called abusive or being dumped for this? This person has nothing to do with her exs abuse. If you woke a new partner up and he started shouting or crying and then posting it online you'd say he was abusive too I'm sure. The Ops overreaction is because of her sleep issues and her history, that's the important context for her irrational behaviour. The new partner is not the problem, if he continues to do it knowing the OPs issues then yes it becomes a problem but blaming someone for another person's reaction now at the start of a relationship is ridiculous.

Show quote history

But OPs response isn’t irrational nor an overreaction … so why are you gaslighting her ?! He has done it knowing OPs issues with her ex. And if he didn’t know the issues , which he did , then he is still behaving wrongly & should be dumped.

Falseknock · 07/09/2025 12:38

Woompund · 07/09/2025 12:05

But you were justifying the partner waking her up 'to check she was ok'. What does any of what you've said after that point have to do with the justification for waking her up?

Show quote history

She fell asleep at 7am he woke her up at 7:30am. The op should have explained what happened and asked him to go home. The op needs to take responsibility for herself and her children. She should have asked him to go home. I feel sorry for her children and what they have to put up with.

Falseknock · 07/09/2025 12:41

Invigoron · 07/09/2025 12:38

But OPs response isn’t irrational nor an overreaction … so why are you gaslighting her ?! He has done it knowing OPs issues with her ex. And if he didn’t know the issues , which he did , then he is still behaving wrongly & should be dumped.

Show quote history

The op shouldn't be in a relationship she should be a mother. Her decision's are or will affect her children.

BeltaLodaLife · 07/09/2025 12:42

Falseknock · 07/09/2025 12:41

The op shouldn't be in a relationship she should be a mother. Her decision's are or will affect her children.

Show quote history

She can be both a mother and in a relationship. There just shouldn’t be any crossover for many many many months. The issue here is that OP has a new relationship and is already having them stay over with her child in the house and the person actually goes into her child’s bedroom as well, which is even worse.

Falseknock · 07/09/2025 12:45

Invigoron · 07/09/2025 12:35

But why would you also wake OP & her child to check on her because you are worried ??!!
You have not responded to my question but changed the subject…

Show quote history

She has children they come first. Why didn't the op ask him to leave? I am guessing he woke her up at 7:30am normal people would talk about it and then ask them to leave and go straight back to sleep. Op should not be in a relationship she is far too delicate. Her children will be affected.

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