Newish relationship - Waking me up.

[isitoverreacting]

I don’t know if I’m overreacting or just hyper aware due to my past relationship.

My ex partner used to deliberately stop me from going to sleep. I’m aware it was one of the abuse tactics used along with many others. At the end of the relationship they admitted that they had done that deliberately because they hated to see me rest.

I’ve been seeing someone for just over a year. They know about this part of my last relationship because I have told them.

The new person I’m seeking is often telling me that I work really hard and that I need more rest and sleep.

A few weeks ago, DC was up in the night so I was up with her and it takes me a long time to get back to sleep. I eventually did. Both me and DC was asleep in her room after being up most of the night.

we finally got to sleep at 7am!
soon after, the person I’m seeing came in the room and nudged me awake saying “heh, you ok?”

I was fuming inside. Thinking “why on earth have you woke me up?!”
then DC also woke up. When this happened my partner stood up and said “I’ll let you go back to sleep then”. I said that’s highly unlikely to happen considering both me and DC were now awake

so I basically explained that I’ve been up all night and that I was in DCs room Trying to get her back to sleep and so that I didn’t disturb my partner. I was annoyed to be woken up for absolutely no reason at all.

Anyway, last week, The person I’m seeing stayed over at my house. I got into bed and explained I’m absolutely exhausted. I’ve been working really long days and I was completely and utterly shattered. So I said I need to go to sleep because I’ve got a banging headache and my eyes are stinging because I’m so exhausted. I fell asleep only to be woken up half an hour later by my partner saying “ I think I can hear someone having sex next door” And laughing about it. Again, I was really annoyed because once I wake up, it takes me about two hours to get back to sleep sometimes

I said there is no chance someone’s having sex next door. And it could be the TV or something. But I don’t see it as a reason to wake me up.

i’m aware that I could be completely overreacting with this and I’m hoping it’s not going to happen again. I’d like to think not because I explained that I really need my sleep and when I’m woken up, I can’t get back to sleep.

I don’t think it’s malicious either. I think it’s just a case of not thinking.

OP, he is doing it on purpose. You found yourself another abuser. Get rid. Be single for a while. Your red flag radar doesn't work.

Yes this is a massive red flag 🚩 why is OP having people stay over anyway. I would never, they could be up to all sorts in the night hike you’re sleeping….

Why did you go out? I'd have binned that off and gone back to bed.

I’d get rid. He sounds thick to be honest at best!!

And, assuming that was the case, why couldn’t he wait until she woke up to ask that?

If he was worried she was uncomfortable with it, surely him actually going into her child’s room when they were both asleep is the last thing he would do?

I wouldn't wake someone up to tell them someone having sex next door, i'd let them sleep.

I think considering you background it reasonable for him to be aware that waking you is a trigger and to only do it if necessary.

I would ask him not to wake you unless it's important just so it completely clear that you don't like it.

You’ve said there are ‘other issues’ too? If it was me and I’d been in a bad relationship before this, at the first sign of any ‘issues’ I’d get rid and just be single for a while. And dont mention details of abusive relationship early on when dating, going forward, as there’s some men out there who will unfortunately use this against you.

I think communication is key here. Explain that you struggle to get to sleep and if you are asleep can they not wake you.

I wouldn’t mention the two incidents, but focus on recruiting their understanding and support.

It isn’t

Some people will literally excuse any male behavior. Wanting to sleep undisturbed is not a quirk FGS

I know! The number of posters saying she needs to communicate clearly not to wake her up - she has!!

My husband sometimes talks to me when I’m falling asleep. He isn’t being malicious, he is just not thinking.

Obviously OP’s history means this is a big issue for her, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable that her new partner hasn’t fully understood.

Mine did that to me once. He wasn't being malicious either but he felt so awful about the impact on my sleep (I then couldn't get to sleep for 2 hours because he woke me as I was dropping off) that he would never do it again. It's not that complicated.

He had been a thoughtless oaf and you deserve better than this. As you say you are on different pages about other things. Sit him down, tell him straight that to function you have to have your sleep. Unless the house is on fire. A decent guy will be mortified -at having misunderstood. Give him a month and if things don’t radically improve on all fronts get rid. Commenting on the neighbours is immature and massive ick anyway.

I think we are actually all aligned.

It is okay for OP’s new partner to get it wrong - especially checking she was okay at 07:00 when she wasn’t in bed. He meant well, and perhaps hadn’t fully comprehended what had happened overnight as he was asleep.

I think we all agree that if clear communication has taken place and the issue is now not resolved that is the point it could become problematic.

I’d break up with him / her / they / them. They sound annoying and thoughtless.

At best you're with someone who is thoughtless to the point of actually doing something that you've made clear is upsetting for you. At worst he is fucking with your head and/or testing your boundaries. Life is too short and sleep is too important for this shit.

If you do think he's thoughtless, why carry on? Find a partner who is thoughtful. You don't need this one. Good luck.

It is. Someone waking someone else up is not, on its own, abusive. If it’s a pattern of behaviour then it’s a different story. In this particular example it could be that the man is being thoughtless (and irritating) and it could be worth to have a serious conversation about boundaries before throwing out abuse accusations.

Came here just to post the same.

Being thoughtless is reason enough to end this.

This. Especially as the child is still young enough to be up through the night, and the previous relationship was abusive.

He's either completely thoughtless and clueless or knows exactly what he's doing (abusive).

I'd send him packing. You don't need either type in your life.

He didn't just check she was ok though. He/she sat on the bed and nudged her awake! The appropriate thing to do would be to close the door quietly, go downstairs, make a cuppa and occupy themselves quietly.

Far, far to needy imo. They should have had the emotional bandwidth to stay away for the 3 days, knowing op would be working long hours and juggling caring for her child.

I would make it clear (again), that if it happens again the relationship is over.

Poor child, mother left her abusive father and now another abusive man staying over.
You don't know him from adam, yet he is staying over?
Walking into your childs room?
Talk about your priorities being messed up.
You need to get rid of this loser, heal and educate yourself, and put yours and your child's safety first.
Poor child.