To tell my DS’s GF she can’t just move into our cottage rent free??

[CraziiHart]

Posting for traffic because I honestly don’t know if I’m losing the plot or not.

Long story short (well not that short)… DS is 21 and has been seeing this girl for about 5 mins. She’s a nice enough kid I suppose, cheeky and thinks she’s funny, but she’s very… present. You know what I mean? Anyway DS was only meant to have her staying over now and then. Couple nights here, couple nights there. Except now it’s turned into every single night, her stuff is in the bathroom, I’m finding her socks in the dryer, and she’s eating me out of house and home.

We’ve got the cottage round the back of the pub (we run the pub, so everything’s already chaotic) and the deal was that DS had it for a bit of independence but still close to home. Except now it’s like she’s moved in. She helps herself to food from the bar kitchen like she’s staff, leaves the lights on, showers twice a day (!!!) and the water bill has shot right up. Before anyone says it, yes she has a home, she’s got parents about 10 mins away. But apparently it’s “just easier” staying here. Easier for who?! Not me.

I don’t want to be the wicked witch MIL type but I feel like a mug. It’s not a hotel. I didn’t sign up to feed and house some random GF rent free. I asked her the other night if she’s actually living here now and she just laughed and said “well I sort of am, aren’t I.” Like it’s a joke. DH thinks I’m overreacting and should leave them be, but it’s my shopping bill she’s piling into and it’s me getting grief from regulars when she’s floating round the bar acting like she’s the landlady.

AIBU to put my foot down and tell her she can’t just move in rent free? Or am I being petty and should just let it go? I don’t want to cause a family row but honestly I feel like she’s taking liberties.

And before anyone has a go, I don’t hate her, she’s alright in small doses. I just don’t think it’s on to sponge off us when she’s barely out of sixth form. Surely that’s reasonable??

Send her home, she's taking the p*ss!

Agree, send her home.

I'd be fine with her staying but I'd certainly be letting her know what the rent is - enough to ensure youre not out of pocket and tell her to stop helping herself to food.

I’d probably tell her how much the rent is, and add on her food costs. Also make it very clear that she is to keep away from anything related to the pub. Also a list of jobs for them both. Unless you really just want her gone, in which case tell your son she’s welcome to stay as his girlfriend for one or two nights but no more, and they need to pitch in for food.

Nope, foot down. Stay out the pub kitchen - she's eating your profits! If she's moving in then she needs to contribute otherwise max 3 nights a week and they buy their own food. You could be renting out the cottage to people who would pay normal rent so DS and her play nice or not at all.

She's affecting your business and costing you money in food etc. But surely it's your son you should be speaking to.
Set ground rules. X nights per week. He pays extra if she eats meals. No laundry and nothing left in the bathroom. She's an occasional visitor not a member of the family.

Talk to your DS! Tell him you’re not subsidizing his girlfriend and the agreement was for him to live in the cottage, not her. And tell her to cough up for any additional costs you incur.

My DS is at uni closer to his GF house and stays there during the week, he pays rent, he volunteered to and gives his GF mum £150 a month towards heating and water, he buys his own food and that’s what you need to do? Doesn’t she work? And get her away from the pub of the locals are complaining.

Charge her rent, lock up the pub kitchen, set some boundaries.

But tell the regulars to pipe down - why is it up to them who else is in the pub? 🤣

I think you need to set some rules with your DS. Does he pay towards bills? If he does then maybe tell him that if he has any guests stay more than 2 nights a week then this needs to increase to cover their costs.

And set very firm boundaries about who is allowed behind the pub bar and in the pub kitchen. I'm sure your insurance wouldn't be happy about random people in staff-only areas.

you need to speak to your DS, he’s probably told her this is all ok and clearly it’s not. Tell him the rules and that he has xxx time to tell her, if he doesn’t you will.

DS needs to learn how to manage responsibilities/relationships.

You definitely shouldn’t let things carry on as they are, but what you should do depends on how you really feel about her place within your family.
If you like her, and your son wants her around all the time, you need to all sit down and work out the rules:
Rent
Food
Laundry
Chores
Behaviour in and around the bar

This might be enough for her to decide to go home, but if not at least you proceed on a fairer and happier footing.

If you think her being around so much is completely undesirable/unacceptable, then you just need to talk to your DS and tell him she has to go home, you don’t mind her visiting or the odd overnight stay, but she can’t live with you. If they want to live together, he has to move out.

Good luck! x

offer her the opportunity to pay rent or go home. It’s not fair your bills are increasing, I’d also clamp down on the going in the work kitchen/acting like she works there, unless she wants a job in return for board?… I wouldn’t just send her home as that could make things hard for your son but stop making it “just easier” for her…

Agree boundaries with DH and let son know.

Don't make it personal, focusing on the money is probably the least emotive part so least likely that he'll feel attacked.

E.g. water bill has gone up £50, lost £70 of food profit etc so they'll need to cover that.

Personally I'd steer away from charging formal rent, as then it blurs the line and becomes properly hers iyswim?

But covering their costs, plus clear boundaries about not being in the working areas of the pub are an absolute must.

Alternatively, limit it to 2 nights a week only or son has to find alternative arrangements.

She goes or she pays rent and utilities AND buys her own food (your business kitchen should be out of bounds!).

Tell her and your son together. Or they can both leave and get their own place.

Do not put up with this for a day more.

Agree with others, set ground rules. Either you contribute or you don’t stay her more than 2-3 nights per week. You do not touch pub food unless paying for it as that is business profits. No access to pub kitchen unless staff on shift etc. she needs to contribute to food costs.

Perfectly reasonable. Talk to your son and set some rules.

All you need to know, right there ☝️

Definitely speak to DS, tell him she's welcome X nights a week, but she's not to go behind the bar and as there are additional costs HE will need to cover these, after all she's not your guest.
Any awkward conversations with her are his to have, if he's old enough to live with someone he's old enough to speak to them!!
Maybe he's been railroaded by her and this is just the prompt he needs!

Sit the pair of them down and tell them that she can stay max once a week or she can contribute £X.

I'd also tell her to stop helping herself to food from your pub, that's unbelievably cheeky.

If your son doesn't like it, he's a grown man and can move out as well.

YANBU

Of course you need to say sonething, it's not your responsibility to feed her!

YANBU. She needs to behave with more respect for your home.

It's strange that's you've just allowed it to happen without saying anything sooner, of course you need to set rules about people moving into your house.

You're dropping hints to the GF instead of saying what you mean Op, you should have spoken up before because now you're annoyed and she thinks it's all fine. Your DS is letting her treat the place how he does but she's not family. I'd tell them both fewer nights, once she starts paying rent you won't get her out