To tell my DS’s GF she can’t just move into our cottage rent free??

[CraziiHart]

Posting for traffic because I honestly don’t know if I’m losing the plot or not.

Long story short (well not that short)… DS is 21 and has been seeing this girl for about 5 mins. She’s a nice enough kid I suppose, cheeky and thinks she’s funny, but she’s very… present. You know what I mean? Anyway DS was only meant to have her staying over now and then. Couple nights here, couple nights there. Except now it’s turned into every single night, her stuff is in the bathroom, I’m finding her socks in the dryer, and she’s eating me out of house and home.

We’ve got the cottage round the back of the pub (we run the pub, so everything’s already chaotic) and the deal was that DS had it for a bit of independence but still close to home. Except now it’s like she’s moved in. She helps herself to food from the bar kitchen like she’s staff, leaves the lights on, showers twice a day (!!!) and the water bill has shot right up. Before anyone says it, yes she has a home, she’s got parents about 10 mins away. But apparently it’s “just easier” staying here. Easier for who?! Not me.

I don’t want to be the wicked witch MIL type but I feel like a mug. It’s not a hotel. I didn’t sign up to feed and house some random GF rent free. I asked her the other night if she’s actually living here now and she just laughed and said “well I sort of am, aren’t I.” Like it’s a joke. DH thinks I’m overreacting and should leave them be, but it’s my shopping bill she’s piling into and it’s me getting grief from regulars when she’s floating round the bar acting like she’s the landlady.

AIBU to put my foot down and tell her she can’t just move in rent free? Or am I being petty and should just let it go? I don’t want to cause a family row but honestly I feel like she’s taking liberties.

And before anyone has a go, I don’t hate her, she’s alright in small doses. I just don’t think it’s on to sponge off us when she’s barely out of sixth form. Surely that’s reasonable??

DS does NOT pay me rent at the moment. He was meant to but you know how it goes, he helped out in the pub when needed and I sort of counted that as his “keep”. Probably my mistake because now it looks like everything’s free. He has his own little kitchen in the cottage but never uses it properly, just wanders back into ours and raids the fridge. So no wonder GF thinks she can do the same. Monkey see monkey do.

That is your problem.
You should not treat her any worse than you treat your own son.
So - son also now has to pay board, and is banned from the family kitchen and pub kitchen, and from the bar when not on shift.
He is 21 - he should be buying his own food, doing his own cooking, and doing his own laundry in his own home (assume the cottage has a washing machine).
You pay him a proper wage for the exact hours he works in the pub, and he pays a proper amount for use of electricity and water.

Is the cottage on separate electric, gas and water meters?
Does it have its own official address?
Is it considered separate to the pub for council tax?
Does it have its own access to the public road?
If not - would this be the best option for the future of the property?

You need to tackle your son first. You're not going to help him become independent by letting him live in the cottage if you charge him no rent and he helps himself to your/ the pub's food whenever he feels like it. You've just made it super comfortable to play grown up without any of the responsibility and presumably that cottage could make your business money if you used it as a holiday let? Does he have a job besides helping you out in the pub?

I would sit him down and point out that he's an adult and has been for quite some time and he shouldn't be expecting you to subsidise him. I would also spell out that his girlfriend is now also costing you money and that's not ok. He needs to start paying rent and tell him that your fridge is off limits. If he or his girlfriend want any of the pub stock they will have to pay for it and the girlfriend is only allowed into the customer area of the pub. I wouldn't say she can move in if she pays board, that muddies the waters of what she can and can't do. I would say two or three nights per week she can stay over, as long as they stick to your rules, otherwise it will be none. He can strop about it all he wants, but you own the cottage and if he doesn't like it he can move out. Better to launch him into adulthood now than wait until he's older.

She's annoying. Send her home. And your son can go with her and her parents put him up for a change.

Why is she even in the pub kitchen?

Youve made a rod for your own back here. Your son thinks food appears thanks to the food fairy and bills pay themselves. Of course that’s rubbed off on his GF. She’s probably said at the beginning, ‘is this ok?’ and he’s been like yeah sure grab what you like my parents are cool with it

Exactly this

I’d nip her taking anything from the pub without paying - not just because of the cost though that important but because of stock control - how can you know you have enough cheese for the lasagnes if she’s in making a toastie every 5 minutes? How can you know you you have enough tonic in stock if she’s mainlining G&Ts? So no going behind the bar, no going in the kitchen - you’re a business, not a charity.

If your DS is old enough to have a live in girlfriend he’s old enough to pay rent, as is she. Draw up a proper contract to include bills. If the annex is self contained they buy their own food, cleaning products, toilet roll, etc. If not, then they make a significant contribution to your shopping to cover their costs. You’ve been taken for a mug. Tell your DS you want to set up a house meeting to discuss a rental agreement and costs as having another lodger means the previous system is no longer sustainable. Know what you want to achieve - e.g. £500 a month + food, don’t go near the pub unless you’re a paying customer (you can do mates rates if you’re feeling generous).

don’t want to be the wicked witch MIL type but I feel like a mug. It’s not a hotel. I didn’t sign up to feed and house some random GF rent free. I asked her the other night if she’s actually living here now and she just laughed and said “well I sort of am, aren’t I.” Like it’s a joke. DH thinks I’m overreacting and should leave them be, but it’s my shopping bill she’s piling into and it’s me getting grief from regulars when she’s floating round the bar acting like she’s the landlady.

She is BOLD. She's stealing food from your business. She's costing you a lot of money. She's putting up your regulars back and if you let this continue, she'll cost you business.

Time to have a Come to Jesus meeting with your son and her and set limits. The business has to be off limits for her. No more stealing food from it. No more hanging out there. She's annoying the paying customers, thus affecting your livelihood.

Your son needs to start paying his way, he's 21 and has basically moved a gf in without asking. GF cannot live there. In fact, think about having him move out because this isn't working for you if she can't say no to a pushy, rude, disrespectful gf who's stealing from your business. WTF is he thinking letting her do that?

We have a no “school nights” rule with boyfriends - I need my space and I do not want a cohabitating couple living with me, ds has argued strongly against it but I’m not budging, I like his boyfriend but I’ll despise him if he stays 7 nights a week. If they want to live together they’ll have to rent somewhere together.

Is this cottage a proper stand-alone property with its own kitchen and bathroom? If so, then neither your son (who is there to gain independence) nor any of his friends or girlfriend should be using your kitchen or bathroom at all. It doesn’t matter if the cottage kitchen and bathroom is small/ not so well stocked-tough, that’s what it is like when you are young and just starting out.

if you start enforcing rent and bills with your son, it’s up to him if he wants to charge her anything to make ends meet. I suspect she will start spending more time in her own home in that case.

YANBU - we had a similar issue (same ages too), minus the pub issue.

Blindsided us a bit as DS had two medium-long term GF before and this was never an issue. Equal time at each others homes and only 1-2 nights a week max. Current GF practically moved in from day 1 - DS never at her house. We had to put our foot down and clearly state boundaries that we thought already DS knew (if I could go back in time and change that…). Turns out her parents don’t allow boyfriends/girlfriends in their house at all but are more than happy for her to be at their homes full time! Well that was the story anyway. DS chose to interpret our boundaries/rules as not liking her, and also kept asking for them to be bended - it was draining and damaging to our relationship. He had clearly told her that we were fine with it. They rent a flat together now (facilitated by us) not ideal given ages but…

I hope the chat with your DS goes well later.

Your ds needs to sort this. Tell him BOTH of them are now banned from taking food from the bar as it’s not hygienic and they are eating the profits.

Also tell ds his rent is going up £200 a month to take account of the extra water, food, and electricity- if he doesn’t like it he can stop her from using the facilities like she owns the place or he pays for her, or he charges her some of the costs.

If you asking for a reasonable contribution to board and lodging “ruins things” then he is a man-child who definitely needs to grow up.

Pay him for his shifts behind the bar; charge him rent and board and bills; charge him extra for having her staying more then twice a week.

You aren’t doing him any favours letting him live like this - most of us are standing on our own two feet age 21 - he should have some bloody pride and not leach off his mum! He sounds like a cock-lodger of the future tbh.

Have a talk with both of them - maybe asking if they want to make the arrangement 'official'.

Say that whilst your ds works in the pub towards his keep it is important that you all maintain the boundary between the business and home. NO helping anyone's self to the work fridge. Ever. Maintaining the boundary between customers and staff. And especially that the licensee and no one else is the landlord.

I would make it clear that your Ds is welcome to have her live in the cottage, but in that case maybe they need to be more self sufficient wrt food and to make a contribution to bills.

Absolutely not being unreasonable. Sit them down for a serious chat. Put down some ground rules - she doesn’t help herself to food, she only stays a max of X nights a week etc (whatever you’d be happy with). If you let this slide she will be there permanently (I know several friends with young adult dc who’ve ended up with partners moving in by stealth, and none of them pay a bloody penny or bring anything to the table.)

Do you live in the cottage too or live in the pub? If he lives there on his own he might feel like he doesn’t have to ask, sort of thing. Even though he lives there rent free.

If he's living there independently of you, he needs to start taking more responsibility e.g. shopping and paying bills.

It’s not just the pub kitchen. She can’t be making herself free drinks or taking snacks or anything, she can’t be wandering into the pub at all unless she is a paying customer.

Your son needs to grow up; can’t believe he has allowed this.

You’re also on a bit of a sticky wicket with the cottage being a separate dwelling from your own home. They aren’t boarders or lodgers. They’re tenants, just because you don’t call them tenants doesn’t mean they aren’t. If she is going to stay there and pay then she could kick up a fuss about having tenants rights. It could get difficult.

Very good!. You would be doing them a favour by doing this . people of this age don't have much common sense and are very entitled. It's time they start learning how the world works . They won't take it well at first but it's got to be done. They will get used to it. They are both no longer allowed behind the bar or in the bar kitchen unless they are working. They need to start contributing to the household .

If he tells you you’re “ruining things” I’d be telling him “welcome to adulthood in the real world son”.

I can’t stand people who take the piss. But I confess that I get irritated by wishy washy doormats too. It is perfectly possible to address something without having a big confrontation or argument.

This is what I did, I wasn't having boyfriends staying all the time, i read threads like this and I can't believe parents put up with this nonsense from adult children.

I think it’s sad that you have to put a disclaimer on that you don’t dislike her here in case you are berated (happens all the time) it would be fine to not like her IMO, you sound lovely.

My opinion is that she’s taking the piss and that you should talk to your son about them paying board and not taking stuff from the kitchen in the pub (could go down the route of it being a H&S risk as I assume she’s not trained in food hygiene etc. It’s so hard to navigate though because you don’t want to upset anyone and if they pay they feel entitled to certain things, I hate that children live at home so long now. It was so much easier when a single person or couple could afford a mortgage as long as they worked full time.

Her living there with him aside, you need to just outright say no more helping herself to consumables. If she sleeps in the cottage fine, but no going behind the bar as insurance doesnt cover it and it looks unprofessional, no taking food at all and if she is in fact there she needs to pay a portion of bills at the very least. If you want her out completely then that's understandable too but the other stuff you described should be stopped immediately.