To tell my DS’s GF she can’t just move into our cottage rent free??

[CraziiHart]

Posting for traffic because I honestly don’t know if I’m losing the plot or not.

Long story short (well not that short)… DS is 21 and has been seeing this girl for about 5 mins. She’s a nice enough kid I suppose, cheeky and thinks she’s funny, but she’s very… present. You know what I mean? Anyway DS was only meant to have her staying over now and then. Couple nights here, couple nights there. Except now it’s turned into every single night, her stuff is in the bathroom, I’m finding her socks in the dryer, and she’s eating me out of house and home.

We’ve got the cottage round the back of the pub (we run the pub, so everything’s already chaotic) and the deal was that DS had it for a bit of independence but still close to home. Except now it’s like she’s moved in. She helps herself to food from the bar kitchen like she’s staff, leaves the lights on, showers twice a day (!!!) and the water bill has shot right up. Before anyone says it, yes she has a home, she’s got parents about 10 mins away. But apparently it’s “just easier” staying here. Easier for who?! Not me.

I don’t want to be the wicked witch MIL type but I feel like a mug. It’s not a hotel. I didn’t sign up to feed and house some random GF rent free. I asked her the other night if she’s actually living here now and she just laughed and said “well I sort of am, aren’t I.” Like it’s a joke. DH thinks I’m overreacting and should leave them be, but it’s my shopping bill she’s piling into and it’s me getting grief from regulars when she’s floating round the bar acting like she’s the landlady.

AIBU to put my foot down and tell her she can’t just move in rent free? Or am I being petty and should just let it go? I don’t want to cause a family row but honestly I feel like she’s taking liberties.

And before anyone has a go, I don’t hate her, she’s alright in small doses. I just don’t think it’s on to sponge off us when she’s barely out of sixth form. Surely that’s reasonable??

If she’s going to be there, she needs to be paying rent and a share of bills, food etc.

And she doesn’t go into the pub kitchen at all, or “float around” behind the bar. I’d have thought there were some licensing issues re her doing that if she’s not employed?

She stays the hell out of behind the bar for a start off, and the pub kitchen if she's making a nuisance of herself there. It's a business place and peoples' place of work.

Aside from the girl friend issues you need to tighten up your stock controls. I also own a pub. There is no way I would be allowing ANYONE to raid the stock like it was their own larder. You’ll fall foal of HMRC (although I don’t suppose it’s uncommon in the trade) but more importantly how can you manage your GPs if your family and their friends are helping themselves to stock.

Do a stock take ASAP and work out your GP, both wet and dry. I bet it’s lower than you’d be aiming for. If you’re not as profitable at the moment raising your GP is the first thing you should be doing.

Just to add, I moved into my boyfriends house at 17 after a big family argument.
My boyfriend asked if I could (obviously) and I insisted I pay £100 board, my boyfriend only paid £60 but I felt that wasn't enough (it was 23 years ago).
I cooked meals for the family, cleaned like mad, did the ironing and was always fully respectful and grateful to his parents. She needs to have a certain level of respect for someone else's home.

I'm not psychic but I just knew your DS would be living there for free @CraziiHart, of course he's not given a thought to his GF spending your money because he doesn't pay his own way either.
He will have a tantrum when you tell him about his GF but it will be for his good as well as yours, out in the real world no one else will let them stay for free.

It will be a good time for him to start paying rent too.
They are both adults, if they don't like it they can get their own place.

You need to talk to ds about it first

Number 1 she keeps out of pub areas that are staff only, so she can go into the bar like any other customer, but that’s it. If you want to be kind say it is because she is not covered by your insurance for accidents, breakages, security etc. If she needs food or drinks from the kitchen she has to order and pay for them at the bar unless she is offered them as your guest.

Number 2 if she is living in the cottage with your son they both need to be contributing to the cost, so any rent you want to charge, utilities, food and consumables.

Sit them both down, have the chat. Say this is not negotiable , but you hope it puts your relationship on a better footing as currently you do not like the way things are going.

Say you imagine they want to talk it over before she decides what she wants to do, so you expect their decision by Sunday evening.

She is clearly dragged up and the dregs.
Neither of you have any boundaries and she believes you are a complete mug.

If you had boundaries this behaviour would havd been shot down so quickly.

I really wouldn't worry about causing offence to either your son or her.

Is she really the type you want in your family?

I wouldn't want such a rude, entitled madam near my family.

Believe me she hasn't an ounce of respect for you, or your property.

I'd be running her.

I have a lodger, he has just left to do final year at uni. I charged him £25 per night & he only paid for the nights he stayed, mostly as I wanted to use the room for grandchildren if they stayed.

id sit her down and say how lovely it is that her and your ds are getting on so well and spending time together

then hit her with how you know life isn’t free and as she is spending so much time in the cottage, bills have shot up!

so the easiest and fairest is to just set a tab for each night she stays to cover the excess of food and bills - you’ll collect cash or bank transfer every Friday

finish

This is what happens when people have no boundaries and children are raised without boundaries. It's one thing moving into the boyfriend's place by stealth, but quite another, wafting into someone's place of business and treating it like your own/home 😳.
Just, wow!

This would drive me mad. I hate people taking liberties. Set down the rules. Don’t worry about the possibility of sulking and stroppiness. They both need to to contribute to the cost of living. I couldn’t imagine being this rude! You are allowed to have boundaries. This is a business not a charity and she’s clearly overstepping the mark.

Why does she think she can just wander into the pub & help herself?

So your son supposedly lives independently in the cottage.

In which case her staying there whenever should make no difference to you at all.

She needs to keep to there & away from the pub!

Literally! I'd be horrified if my daughter acted like that in someone else's home, because that's just not how she was raised, and she knows it wouldn't fly if she brought a boy to mine.

Does your DS work or is he at college? I'm failing to see how letting him move into the cottage has done anything to help teach him live independently

• he pays no bills
• he buys no food
• he doesn't understand what anything costs
• he doesn't understand what it takes to run a business.

Depending on where you're based I'd get the cottage back, jazz it up and put it on airbnb or similar.

She needs to pay her way but I don't see the issue with 2 showers a day

She's bloody cheeky and needs to be put right. However your son needs to deal with her himself - with your support ie help him put the words together so it's more diplomatic than my version below ....

He needs to tell her she can't move in, it's not his call, the flat belongs to the pub and she can't stay there. She has to take all her things home with her, no longer help herself to someone else's food, stay on the customer side of the bar - she's allowed to stay over with him (x) number of nights per week as his overnight guest and no more.

Nip it in the bud. Perhaps she's not used to people saying no.

I think your last post sounds like a solid plan.

Start with your son first, the lead monkey. He can then broach the subject with the GF. If she want to keep spending so much time at your place, then sit down for a proper boundary conversation with her. If she decides to stick to two night then your son can handle it all.

My guess is that’s she’s seen your son do some of these things and just assumes it’s fine, clearly it’s not though.

OP is paying the bills. It's incredibly rude for this girl to shower in someone else's home twice a day, with no regard to the fact someone clearly has to pay for it.

When I was 17 I kind of drifted into the flat my now DH lived in behind his parents' home. My now DH also stayed at my parents' home sometimes, but we spent more time at his due to privacy and my parents being pretty strict. I didn't pay anything and I didn't really think of it at all. I was just following my now DH's lead and it did feel like it wasn't any different than a sleep over. I was pretty naive and clueless really. Of course I should have offered, but it just never occurred to me that this was anything more than hanging out with a friend/boyfriend. My mother did tell me at one stage it would be fair if my now MIL asked me to pay rent. After six months we did move to our own place independently anyway and we did always buy our own food. It was all pretty generous of my now MIL really. GF is probably just clueless.

Do update us after the chat!

Loads of good advice on here.
Can I suggest that before you sit down with them you work out how much money you actually want?

And break it down into bills (eg water) and food?
Personally I would say - buy your own food, our fridge is out of bounds, you live in the cottage, use the cottage kitchen, otherwise, as soon as you say xxx amount for food, they will assume that they can fully eat from your kitchen.

sounds to me like they're harmless but just clueless. I think at that age I also had no idea that things cost money (as bad as it sounds!) and it wouldn't have occurred to me to contribute in your DS' girlfriend situation. I'd be mortified at the cheekyfuckery now!

This. I'd probably have been exactly the same, not through cheeky fuckery, just general cluelessness!
You say you're letting your ds do it, so it probably looks like that's the way you do things to them.
Sounds like you need a sit down to talk things through, she'll probably be mortified.
You also don't sound like you like her very much anyway
"Girlfriend of 5 minutes?" 🙄 That's going to come back and bite you on the arse if they end up being serious about each other later on down the line.
Don't be a twat yourself about it all otherwise you might find them pulling away from you and not having much to do with you in the future.

YANBU
The bar and kitchen are your business and workplace, and everything in them are too. It is all stock, not family home groceries, and needs to be treated as such. The bar and kitchen are subject to health and safety, insurance etc requirements which do not include her.

At her age I would have bloody loved a boyfriend with a pub and cottage. In fact, I could still have my head turned by the offer now. But it's not her boyfriend's pub or cottage, it's yours.

Youve made a rod for your own back here. Your son thinks food appears thanks to the food fairy and bills pay themselves. Of course that’s rubbed off on his GF. She’s probably said at the beginning, ‘is this ok?’ and he’s been like yeah sure grab what you like my parents are cool with it.

1. Charge him board. Up the amount to take the GF’s expenses into consideration. Let them hash it out if he suddenly feels she’s taking the piss or not once it’s coming out of his pocket. (My DS is 19, pays his way and he and his GF who is always around sort their own things between them like adults.) Or
2. give her some shifts
3. be frank and tell everyone together that you’re all going to have to pull your socks up as you’re not Richard Branson and with times being a bit of a struggle for most, that very much includes you. Be clear. The GF should understand.