To tell my DS’s GF she can’t just move into our cottage rent free??

[CraziiHart]

Posting for traffic because I honestly don’t know if I’m losing the plot or not.

Long story short (well not that short)… DS is 21 and has been seeing this girl for about 5 mins. She’s a nice enough kid I suppose, cheeky and thinks she’s funny, but she’s very… present. You know what I mean? Anyway DS was only meant to have her staying over now and then. Couple nights here, couple nights there. Except now it’s turned into every single night, her stuff is in the bathroom, I’m finding her socks in the dryer, and she’s eating me out of house and home.

We’ve got the cottage round the back of the pub (we run the pub, so everything’s already chaotic) and the deal was that DS had it for a bit of independence but still close to home. Except now it’s like she’s moved in. She helps herself to food from the bar kitchen like she’s staff, leaves the lights on, showers twice a day (!!!) and the water bill has shot right up. Before anyone says it, yes she has a home, she’s got parents about 10 mins away. But apparently it’s “just easier” staying here. Easier for who?! Not me.

I don’t want to be the wicked witch MIL type but I feel like a mug. It’s not a hotel. I didn’t sign up to feed and house some random GF rent free. I asked her the other night if she’s actually living here now and she just laughed and said “well I sort of am, aren’t I.” Like it’s a joke. DH thinks I’m overreacting and should leave them be, but it’s my shopping bill she’s piling into and it’s me getting grief from regulars when she’s floating round the bar acting like she’s the landlady.

AIBU to put my foot down and tell her she can’t just move in rent free? Or am I being petty and should just let it go? I don’t want to cause a family row but honestly I feel like she’s taking liberties.

And before anyone has a go, I don’t hate her, she’s alright in small doses. I just don’t think it’s on to sponge off us when she’s barely out of sixth form. Surely that’s reasonable??

I'm so so sick of seeing this as an excuse for shitty behaviour. The 25yr thing is for the fine tuning of impulse control and has an affect on decision making (which is not the same thing as saying they can't make sensible decisions). It has nothing to do with the basic manners and level of responsibility any adult should be expected to display.

How do you think everyone managed it up until now? Because they did. People used to be in full time work at 16 as standard, many of them living independently with friends or in their own place with a baby! Fully fledged adults.

My own parents were married at 17/20, do you think they were swanning around acting like overgrown toddlers and everyone excusing it because they're under 25?! This notion that nobody can be expected to behave until they're 25 is utterly ridiculous. It's part of the reason why the latest generations are so entitled and rude.

She is over confident and cocky! I would get them together the day before you next go shopping and suggest that if she is staying frequently, you will require some financial input towards the additional out goings for food and water. Even £20 a week from her would atleast teach her some respect and to acnowledge people's kind nature rather than take the mick

Has she not heard of the word imposing,

For time immemorial young people have sometimes been a bit selfish and thoughtless as part of their general development. Sure there are different levels of maturity and always have been, but people on mumsnet are just ridiculous - it’s an early relationship and it doesn’t hurt to treat the young people involved a bit kindly instead of assuming malevolent intent and applying the same standards you’d expect of a 40-something.

There's every harm - it means they grow up like this! The time for cutting them some slack is when they're early teens. Not late teens/20's. By that age they should know how to behave, treat people with respect, not take them for granted. The only reason they don't learn these things sooner is not because they're incapable of learning it. It's because parents have this attitude of babying their children for far too long.

Let us know how it goes 😔
Sending good vibes that son and GF will just immediately get it, with no dramas.

You are being ridiculous. Sometimes people act unthinkingly. Yes, let them know effects of their actions - but taking high offence to the idiotic behaviour of a 20 year old is frankly pathetic behaviour - and more importantly approaching it angrily or indignantly is likely to cause a rift with your children. Maybe some people don’t care about that, but again being honest and kind with your children without hurting their feelings is possible and should be the default.

I agree - the youth seem to think older people have an unending supply of cash. They behave like children when it suits them - shying away from taking financial responsibilities- parents always pay and being very grown up by co-habitating. I don’t think it requires anger or rage, I don’t think it necessarily reflects badly on her - it’s how the younger generation perceive us. You just need to have a word with them in a calm manner. Save your anger for another day - when they don’t listen to you resetting the boundaries. It’s your house - set the rules and expect them to be followed because there’s always another option - if things don’t work out, they can move out. Even adult children need to follow house rules.

I don't think OP is coming back.........

I'm not being ridiculous to say that children should be brought up to be adults once they reach adulthood. You're the one talking about anger. I'm talking about good parenting at an appropriate age, which isn't waiting until they're spoiled brats in their late teens and early twenties. Adults are adults, regardless of age. Once people reach maturity they should be expecting to behave maturely. The way these two are behaving isn't ok. Dismissing it and minimising it as "just" thoughtlessness, as if thoughtlessness at their age is ok, normal and to be expected because they can't help it, is what's ridiculous. They're being incredibly rude and disrespectful. IMO they should be told that and expected to stop it straight away as well as apologising. It's not ok to be a dick whether they're 20 or 40. I detest people with your attitude who think it's ok to baby grown-ass adults. It's a lot of what's wrong with society. You don't agree, fine, you don't have to. It doesn't make me ridiculous though.

I imagine she's had a busy weekend if she is running a pub and will need to absorb, decide what to do, get her husband on side and then sit her son down. It would be nice to have an update especially if resolved to her satisfaction but these things take time.

I wonder what the OP did in the end. It's been a very interesting discussion.

You've basically set up your son in a free house, no pun intended, and allowed full access to your pub, kitchen food etc. Okay he may pull his weight by doing the odd shift etc but he's extending his liberty to his GF.

Hopefully you own the pub as I've seen good managers sacked for less, some places don't even allow staff a free drink now while on shift.