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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my DS’s GF she can’t just move into our cottage rent free??

363 replies

CraziiHart · 05/09/2025 10:38

Posting for traffic because I honestly don’t know if I’m losing the plot or not.

Long story short (well not that short)… DS is 21 and has been seeing this girl for about 5 mins. She’s a nice enough kid I suppose, cheeky and thinks she’s funny, but she’s very… present. You know what I mean? Anyway DS was only meant to have her staying over now and then. Couple nights here, couple nights there. Except now it’s turned into every single night, her stuff is in the bathroom, I’m finding her socks in the dryer, and she’s eating me out of house and home.

We’ve got the cottage round the back of the pub (we run the pub, so everything’s already chaotic) and the deal was that DS had it for a bit of independence but still close to home. Except now it’s like she’s moved in. She helps herself to food from the bar kitchen like she’s staff, leaves the lights on, showers twice a day (!!!) and the water bill has shot right up. Before anyone says it, yes she has a home, she’s got parents about 10 mins away. But apparently it’s “just easier” staying here. Easier for who?! Not me.

I don’t want to be the wicked witch MIL type but I feel like a mug. It’s not a hotel. I didn’t sign up to feed and house some random GF rent free. I asked her the other night if she’s actually living here now and she just laughed and said “well I sort of am, aren’t I.” Like it’s a joke. DH thinks I’m overreacting and should leave them be, but it’s my shopping bill she’s piling into and it’s me getting grief from regulars when she’s floating round the bar acting like she’s the landlady.

AIBU to put my foot down and tell her she can’t just move in rent free? Or am I being petty and should just let it go? I don’t want to cause a family row but honestly I feel like she’s taking liberties.

And before anyone has a go, I don’t hate her, she’s alright in small doses. I just don’t think it’s on to sponge off us when she’s barely out of sixth form. Surely that’s reasonable??

OP posts:
Chompingatthebeat · 05/09/2025 11:38

Why are you allowing her behind the bar?

MegMo · 05/09/2025 11:38

lunar1 · 05/09/2025 10:43

I’d probably tell her how much the rent is, and add on her food costs. Also make it very clear that she is to keep away from anything related to the pub. Also a list of jobs for them both. Unless you really just want her gone, in which case tell your son she’s welcome to stay as his girlfriend for one or two nights but no more, and they need to pitch in for food.

Absolutely agree with this. I've had people sponging and in the end they turn on you for one tiny thing. Sort it out now before it gets worse. She sounds like a nightmare.

Wonmoretime · 05/09/2025 11:39

Start by telling her that because of licensing/environmental health/health and safety reasons she is not allowed in the pub kitchen or the bar or store room areas. As pp suggested it isn’t paying rent but contributing to living expenses. Point out to your son that they both need to pay their way and contribute towards the utilities and food. If you stick to your guns on that they may get the message. If she’s as ‘full on’ as you suggest you need to be blunt in return.

OnGoldenPond · 05/09/2025 11:42

takealettermsjones · 05/09/2025 10:48

Charge her rent, lock up the pub kitchen, set some boundaries.

But tell the regulars to pipe down - why is it up to them who else is in the pub? 🤣

I think OP means the girl is going behind the bar which should be strictly staff only and acting like she is the boss lady. Completely out of order, that needs slapping down as, apart from being bloody annoying, I think it is problematic with licensing regulations.

Yabbadabadoo · 05/09/2025 11:42

You need to say something. She thinks shes on a permanent sleepover. Tell your son its not on and if he doesn't say something to her you will. Max 2 nights, and no wandering round the pub like she owns the place! Let her parents have them too. Is your son paying rent? Does he have a job? It is a piss take. I could never imagine doing this when I was their age.

NewsdeskJC · 05/09/2025 11:43

Agree with others
I would phrase it to DS though.
If him and gf want to play grown ups then they need to pay rent and buy their own food.
Or she can stat Friday and Saturday and he needs do food for the weekend.

Pastaandoranges · 05/09/2025 11:44

Surely you need to discuss with your son that he alone is welcome to live in the cottage but if he wants to have her staying then its got to be a rental arrangement and there needs to be rules. They need to pay for and eat their own food, pay rent and bills anx they are not allowed in the pub working areas. At 21 he should be paying his own way anyway in some form.

Tiredjusttired · 05/09/2025 11:48

This is surprisingly common even when the son is still living in the family home. Suddenly a girlfriend is on the scene and before long it’s like you’ve gained an extra person to support, feed and clean up after. I do wonder what parents of young adult daughters think about this. Presumably they’re pleased their daughters are off their hands and being ‘grown up’.

In OP’s situation, I’d also be worried about the girlfriend getting pregnant or just giving up work and ‘living her best life’ (the eternal excuse of young people who want to continue carefree existence into their twenties).

Bromptotoo · 05/09/2025 11:49

You need to tell your son that having her there permanently isn't on.

He needs to be old enough and bold enough to pass the message on.

TwinklySaturn · 05/09/2025 11:49

Your plan sounds good.

It sounds to me like they're harmless but just clueless. I think at that age I also had no idea that things cost money (as bad as it sounds!) and it wouldn't have occurred to me to contribute in your DS' girlfriend situation. I'd be mortified at the cheekyfuckery now!

So when you talk to them maybe think of it more as just explaining things to them rather than putting your foot down because they're CF. I'd bet they just don't realise.

Hopefully it will then come across better and they can't just think of you as being mean for the sake of it.

bitterexwife · 05/09/2025 11:50

Please don’t use the word ‘board’… again suggests lodger/tenant to me.
Id say, guest, houseguest, your regular visitor, she’s welcome to stay max 3 nights a week.

she’s welcome to purchase food/drinks from public side of bar at staff prices as she’s a family friend - takes the absolute piss out of staff otherwise.

she’s not had health and safety training/food hygiene training… etc etc so she is NOT to go into any areas of bar or kitchen ever. She’s a local, not a landlord.

also, I used to work in a pub/b&b… if she’s after staff perks beyond staff discount, get her in at 6:30am to do the pub clean and clean the loos!

I agree with above poster… harmless yet clueless. However, the harm could be pissing off your paid staff who I’m sure pay discounted rates for their food and drinks.

SamPoodle123 · 05/09/2025 11:51

This a conversation for your son, not his GF. Say he must pay or get her to pay contribution. If he had his own place and she was living there he would have to deal with paying or asking her to pay. So it is really your son that is taking advantage of you....

Pastaandoranges · 05/09/2025 11:52

If he says you're ruining things and has a tantrum then really this proves why you need to do this now. Imagine if she got pregnant, thinking she has a nice free home and free food and why not. Or if it just continues, indefinitely. If he wants to provide a home for his girlfriend, he should be a man and do that. Seeing as he is a man now.
Do you want him at 25 or 30, living in the back of your pub with this girl or sucession of girls, poncing off you and never leaving? The cottage is a nice stop gap and even if you take rent from him and save it to give to him as a deposit fot his own house in a few years then thats better than facilitiating an easy life where he and his girlfriend or the next one, will never have to stand on their own two feet and continue to eat all your food and lay about in the cottage in the back of your pub for free

Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/09/2025 11:52

lunar1 · 05/09/2025 10:43

I’d probably tell her how much the rent is, and add on her food costs. Also make it very clear that she is to keep away from anything related to the pub. Also a list of jobs for them both. Unless you really just want her gone, in which case tell your son she’s welcome to stay as his girlfriend for one or two nights but no more, and they need to pitch in for food.

Perfect

Viviennemary · 05/09/2025 11:53

Get her out. She is a freeloading chancer who won't stick to any agreement you make.

7372RR · 05/09/2025 11:56

Well if your son does say you are "ruining it" tell him to man-up and start paying.

If he wants to try and act Mr Billy Big-Balls then he can put his hand in his pocket and live up to it, and not act like a toddler having a tantrum

Rainallnight · 05/09/2025 11:57

OP, why have you written this as though it’s nothing at all to do with your DS? It’s his relationship, his guest, and he’s hosting in such a way that has no regard for your boundaries or family norms. Talk to him!

Robin67 · 05/09/2025 12:00

Stay strong. Your house and business may be colocated but they are separate. She must never go behind the bar or in the pub kitchen unless she becomes an employee. This is non-negotiable.

Swiftie1878 · 05/09/2025 12:02

CraziiHart · 05/09/2025 11:36

Right I’ve just had another look through these and it’s giving me a lot to think about. Thanks for taking the time, even the blunt ones. I know I need to toughen up here.

To answer a few questions - DS does NOT pay me rent at the moment. He was meant to but you know how it goes, he helped out in the pub when needed and I sort of counted that as his “keep”. Probably my mistake because now it looks like everything’s free. He has his own little kitchen in the cottage but never uses it properly, just wanders back into ours and raids the fridge. So no wonder GF thinks she can do the same. Monkey see monkey do.

She does have a part-time job in town, so she’s not completely idle, but it’s shifts and she doesn’t put anything towards being here. I don’t even think she gives her parents board money. Maybe that’s why she likes it here, it’s like a free B&B with unlimited toasties.

The pub thing winds me up most. You lot are right, it’s not just annoying, it’s also risky. If anything went wrong in the kitchen, or if stock goes missing, I’d be the one left looking like a fool. DH thinks it’s “harmless” but he’s not the one paying the invoices. My late FIL would be turning in his grave seeing someone wandering behind the bar like they own it.

I think I do need to use the word “board” instead of rent, like some of you said. It makes it clear she’s not a tenant with rights, just covering her share of food and bills. That feels less heavy but still gets the point across.

So I’m going to sit DS down tonight and lay it out: either she’s a guest (max two nights, buys her own snacks, stays OUT the pub kitchen) or she’s basically living here in which case they both need to pay board and stick to some rules. And if he doesn’t like it then maybe time to grow up and move out properly.

I’m still bracing for the tantrum though. He’ll probably say I’m “ruining things” but honestly I can’t live like I’m running a free youth hostel anymore.

If he says you’re ruining things, just say ‘No, YOU’RE ruining things by taking advantage of your parents’ goodwill - it has to stop or we’ll end up falling out, and nobody wants that’.
Good luck! x

BoboTheBear · 05/09/2025 12:07

I haven't RTFT, so not sure whether this has been said already.

I don't actually think it's your job to sort things out with her. It's your son's job to sort things out with her. She's there because of him. I would speak to him and tell him that you'll be charging him for the food, utilities, etc that she uses, and that she's not allowed to do xyz. Let him deal with passing the message on and/or getting payment to you.

If you want to provide your son with free stuff, that's your decision. But it doesn't mean he gets to hand out free stuff to other people at your expense.

Mumsnet is always saying "you don't have a MIL problem, you have a DH problem." Well, in this case I think you have a son problem.

LadyDanburysHat · 05/09/2025 12:09

I think your plan is good, although if it were me, I would say 2 nights max end of. I can understand why you would want to give him the option though.

I also think whichever way it goes you need to to start charging him board.

Mauvehoodie · 05/09/2025 12:11

I'd term any ££ requested as a "contribution to food/bills" rather than rent.

She's definitely overstepping though and seeing herself as a member of your family with the same privileges as your DS. I think whatever you put in place should at the very least mean that her presence costs you nothing in terms of extra ££ on bills/food and hassle/worry of her wandering around the pub.

I'd just start the conversation by letting your DS know you got a bit lax with the rent/contributions that were meant from him as well as the fridge raiding from him because he's your son. But now it's 2 of them and someone who isn't an actual family member is wandering around the pub helping themselves, it has all got a bit out of hand not least due to safety and it looking bad if random people are wandering behind the bar.

They could aways shop themselves and cook at the cottage or at least keep snacks there rather than raiding the pub kitchen. I'd also use it as a good time to explain that costs are tight with the pub at the moment and an extra adult mouth to feed must cost over £150 if not over £200 a month especially with crisps, drinks etc. And that's without extra electricity etc. Does she help herself to alcoholic drinks too?

Coffeeishot · 05/09/2025 12:12

, Your son is 21 he isn't a teenager you need to put a halt to him waifing about and then this will have an effect on his girlfriends behaviour, they sound like two peas in a pod, and as for a 21 year old man having a "tantrum" bugger that !

TunnocksOrDeath · 05/09/2025 12:14

Taking stock without recording it properly has all sort of admin issues if it is not a benefit that is extended to all staff. You can't just bundle it into 'costs' and have done, because it reduces your tax bill, so HMRC looks very dimly on people taking consumables or equipment purchased by the business for their personal use.
I'd use that as as a reason to inform her that she HAS to stop taking stuff from the kitchen immediately. The rent and bills thing is straightforward - If she doesn't move out, she needs to be added to the council tax (legal requirement again) and start paying her share of that, and the other utilities, in proportion to the number of people in the property.

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 05/09/2025 12:14

Yanbu at all. Sit them down and explain that if she’s moving in (or as good as) then she’ll need to pay £x every month towards the extra costs of her being there. If not then they must stick to no more than once a fortnight (or whatever you deem acceptable). Make sure they stick to it and it doesn’t creep back to the current pattern.

Or if you don’t want her there even if she is willing to pay towards costs, then again set a limit on number of overnights. That’s what I’d do as I want my own private space without my child’s bf/gf being there all the time.