To tell my DS’s GF she can’t just move into our cottage rent free??

[CraziiHart]

Posting for traffic because I honestly don’t know if I’m losing the plot or not.

Long story short (well not that short)… DS is 21 and has been seeing this girl for about 5 mins. She’s a nice enough kid I suppose, cheeky and thinks she’s funny, but she’s very… present. You know what I mean? Anyway DS was only meant to have her staying over now and then. Couple nights here, couple nights there. Except now it’s turned into every single night, her stuff is in the bathroom, I’m finding her socks in the dryer, and she’s eating me out of house and home.

We’ve got the cottage round the back of the pub (we run the pub, so everything’s already chaotic) and the deal was that DS had it for a bit of independence but still close to home. Except now it’s like she’s moved in. She helps herself to food from the bar kitchen like she’s staff, leaves the lights on, showers twice a day (!!!) and the water bill has shot right up. Before anyone says it, yes she has a home, she’s got parents about 10 mins away. But apparently it’s “just easier” staying here. Easier for who?! Not me.

I don’t want to be the wicked witch MIL type but I feel like a mug. It’s not a hotel. I didn’t sign up to feed and house some random GF rent free. I asked her the other night if she’s actually living here now and she just laughed and said “well I sort of am, aren’t I.” Like it’s a joke. DH thinks I’m overreacting and should leave them be, but it’s my shopping bill she’s piling into and it’s me getting grief from regulars when she’s floating round the bar acting like she’s the landlady.

AIBU to put my foot down and tell her she can’t just move in rent free? Or am I being petty and should just let it go? I don’t want to cause a family row but honestly I feel like she’s taking liberties.

And before anyone has a go, I don’t hate her, she’s alright in small doses. I just don’t think it’s on to sponge off us when she’s barely out of sixth form. Surely that’s reasonable??

Glad to see your update op. Do let us know how it goes! The piss taking needs to stop.

Lay down the law, she's to stay out of the bar and pub kitchen, only one shower a day, clean up after herself and pay some keep. It's that it nothing, so if she doesn't like it hard luck , buh bye!

They are adults and you need to set some rules. They need to contribute to your household. FWIW my Stepson and his gf lived with us in our annex. I made them contribute £100pm each to bills and they bought their own food. This allowed them to save for a house deposit. My adult DS now lives there and gives us £500pm (he offered), but we do all his food shopping as well. He knows he has a really good deal.

You need to sit them both down and cleary state your expectations.
If you don't mind her staying but want her to contribute, tell them that.
If you don't want her staying so much, tell them that.
Could it be that she's been indulged a little at home and doesn't understand the concept of paying your way?

You also have insurance liability issues here.

She’s not an employee, so if she injured herself in staff areas or caused damage, or heaven forbid, a fire, you’re not insured.

If she has drinks or food, she must pay full or cost price, and stop any other family doing the same, or have a record of the cost price vs full price so you can calculate your profit. If you own the pub etc, fine, it’s your profit, but if it’s owned by a landlord, pub I or brewery, you run the risk of losing the pub if your profit is below expectations.

She is literally a liability.

My house rule is one night in the week and one at weekends. Two nights at weekends if they haven’t stayed in the week. All toiletries etc to be stored in DC’s room. All clothes’ washing to be done at their own home,

The word board doesn’t mean lodger or tenant, board refers to food and meals

Separate the pub safety issue from the rest of it. They’re two separate problems. Having her swanning around behind the bar isn’t going to stop being a problem just cause your son is paying some board.

You might well find that, if she’s not allowed in the pub private areas, then your son will be forced to cook more at the cottage and the problem will partially sort itself out.

Yip there needs to be an adult discussion / they are adults and they pay their way and contribute to the smooth running of the household or they get kicked out

But he has his own kitchen in the cottage, and presumably his own finances.

If it is an open-plan family kitchen dining room, obviously banning him from the room is not nice, but it should be made very clear to him that the food his parents have bought is not his food. He has to be invited to share a meal with them before he touches it.

Tell her to fuck off. Cheeky twat

I agree!

And people wonder why their children end up failing to launch🙄.
Tolerating this type of bullshit is why.
Your son is a presumptuous pup, that thinks so little of his home, his parents and their business, that he really thinks it is acceptable to use all 3 as he likes, and his girlfriend of the time.

If you have an ounce of self respect for yourself and have any desire for your deluded son to be aware of the basic realities of life, you will tell him that neither of them go near your fridge or the pub again, unless given explicit permission.
He pays rent for the cottage and extra for EVERY night she spends there, to cover utilities.

Have a look at the rental prices of the area etc to see what income that cottage could generate.

In my very MC circle where my children and their friends were privately educated, with very hardworking parents, there is no way that entitled, rude behaviour like this would fly for a minute.
We are all too hard nosed and ambitious for our children to want them to be around such a presumptuous opportunistic free loader like her, who thinks swanning around your home and place of business is acceptable behaviour.

Low class entitled presumptuous behaviour.
Both need to be firmly in their place, especially your son.

Like I wrote, I'd be running her off.
I wouldn't be concerned with offending either of them. She has shown you who she is.

Apologies if that is harsh, but softness is a real weakness with behaviour like this.
Oh, and I have a son that is 21.

I don't think it's fair to charge her "rent", because presumably you're not willing to give her a tenants rights?
But you could definitely ask them to get their own food and contribute to the bills together.
That would be totally fair enough and she can either agree and pitch in, or go home.

Speaking as someone who had a home, but it was a horrible environment really, I definitely took the piss with my BFs Mum and Dad and how often I stayed. I didn't mean to, but I was 17 and just so happy to be away from my step dad that I was a bit blinkered to why they maybe didn't want me around quite so much.
But I bought my own food and when they mentioned the electric meter needed topping up more often, I made sure I contributed to that every week and turned off lights, took shorter showers etc. I didn't want to be asked to leave so I was happy to do whatever was asked so that I could stay. I just needed a bit of a nudge to understand the cost of adult life.

I agree with everyone who says you have to get tough with both of them. At the same time it is hard to be tough with your children when the cost of accommodation is so steep. But yes you have to make sure they pay their way.

My sister runs a pub. It certainly isn’t chaotic. You need to set some very clear boundaries. You can’t have untrained people wandering into food preparation areas.

My relatives have found themselves in this exact situation! Their DS got a gf who gradually stayed more & more till it became a permanent arrangement. They pay nothing & do nothing for themselves. Relatives increasingly resentful but are so non confrontational they won’t say anything. The young couple buy themselves takeaways, never offer the parents anything even though they contribute nothing to their keep, get meals made & washing done for them! It’s ridiculous!

She has taken liberties but arguably was given those liberties. I am trying to imagine a scenario where I would get even 10% down this road with a child's boyfriend/girlfriend without calling a halt. It's unbelievable to me how some contemporary parents allow themselves to be treated

What are the ground rules if/when DS spends the night at her parents’ home?Fridge raiding, 2 showers, housekeeping and laundry service? I doubt it. In that case the sponging girlfriend needs to be brought back down to earth with a bump.

Behind the scenes in your pub is a business that she has no access to. If DS invites her to spend the night it’s as a GUEST in the cottage, on the same terms as when he’s a guest at hers, no laundry and DS pays for her food (cooked in the cottage) plus a nightly fee to you for bills.
I’d suggest £5 a night or even a PAYG electricity meter (straightening irons! Oven!) which either of them can agree to pay but you insist on payment EVERY TIME.

I’m not sure how long they’ve been together, they’re still v.young but if this relationship becomes an official partnership I would renegotiate.

Young adults will feed you as much bullshit as you will take if they have been reared that way.

My eldest was told some years ago, no girlfriends staying over. The end.

We had younger teens and I wasn't entertaining it.
He finished university, got a job and moved out.
This is what real life is about.
He loves to visit for a 'rest from adulting"🙄😁.
We love to see him, but I have zero interest in regular guests.

I can barely put up with my own young adult children and the rearing still involved.
I have zero interest nor patience for housing, feeding, cleaning up after anyone else's child.

Not happening. I am not alone in this view.

She's over your place all the time instead of your son being at hers because they can't walk all over her parents the way they can you.

She thinks she has a great thing going, but it's time for it all to end. They will never grow up if they can sponge off you forever. She sounds obnoxious, entitled, and very immature.

Your house, your rules As for eating the food from the pub...I can't even. She's literally stealing from your business.

You are more invested in her reaction than what you want. Why is it is so vital to you to not be seen as the bad guy? What do you think will happen? The thought of her reaction cant be more important than what you want, you can’t “nice” her into behaving how you think is reasonable. You also can’t manage her emotions, that’s on her.

perhaps when the dust has settled do a bit of work around this aspect of your personality, it doesn’t seem conducive to running a business. You are concerned with everyone’s feelings, girlfriend , regulars, than your own. You must have a very busy head!

I'd just tell them your tenancy doesn't allow for regular guests more than x amount of nights and you are t allowed to rent out the cottage either. You can also say you e been told you cannot allow her behind the bar or in the kitchens. This way you aren't the evil one, son isn't caught in the middle and you e laid down boundaries.

Just be warned,this could go sour (my situation is not quite the same but similar)

My sd moved in with us and I gave it about 8 weeks to settle in and get herself sorted

I then said she had to start paying rent (as she was costing us a fortune)

She pointed blank refused to get a small job ('I'm NOT working THERE!') and tried to refuse to pay rent to cover part of her food/share of the bills as 'I don't cost anything'

(Nah,our bills and food hadn't gone up by anything and having her around all the bloody time wasn't pissing me off,not at all)

As soon as we doubled down/showed her the increase of her living with us and said 'job and rent or move out' she went nuclear and launched a massive smear campaign against me (while moving out as we where soooo unreasonable)

It's still going on over 5 years later

Just something to keep in mind-her mother had kept all bills etc away from her and she had no experience on what stuff costs so this was a massive shock to her but I couldn't afford to keep smoothing her way and was more than willing to teach her but she refused

One word = Rent

Yes she’s cheeky but you and your son have let it happen by not calling it out earlier. In my opinion this is a DS issue, not a her issue. He needs to step up and sort it out as she’s his girlfriend and guest and if he’s old enough for that, he’s old enough to set boundaries. Also what if they get married and she becomes family? You need to talk to him about being an adult and contributing etc