To tell my DS’s GF she can’t just move into our cottage rent free??

[CraziiHart]

Posting for traffic because I honestly don’t know if I’m losing the plot or not.

Long story short (well not that short)… DS is 21 and has been seeing this girl for about 5 mins. She’s a nice enough kid I suppose, cheeky and thinks she’s funny, but she’s very… present. You know what I mean? Anyway DS was only meant to have her staying over now and then. Couple nights here, couple nights there. Except now it’s turned into every single night, her stuff is in the bathroom, I’m finding her socks in the dryer, and she’s eating me out of house and home.

We’ve got the cottage round the back of the pub (we run the pub, so everything’s already chaotic) and the deal was that DS had it for a bit of independence but still close to home. Except now it’s like she’s moved in. She helps herself to food from the bar kitchen like she’s staff, leaves the lights on, showers twice a day (!!!) and the water bill has shot right up. Before anyone says it, yes she has a home, she’s got parents about 10 mins away. But apparently it’s “just easier” staying here. Easier for who?! Not me.

I don’t want to be the wicked witch MIL type but I feel like a mug. It’s not a hotel. I didn’t sign up to feed and house some random GF rent free. I asked her the other night if she’s actually living here now and she just laughed and said “well I sort of am, aren’t I.” Like it’s a joke. DH thinks I’m overreacting and should leave them be, but it’s my shopping bill she’s piling into and it’s me getting grief from regulars when she’s floating round the bar acting like she’s the landlady.

AIBU to put my foot down and tell her she can’t just move in rent free? Or am I being petty and should just let it go? I don’t want to cause a family row but honestly I feel like she’s taking liberties.

And before anyone has a go, I don’t hate her, she’s alright in small doses. I just don’t think it’s on to sponge off us when she’s barely out of sixth form. Surely that’s reasonable??

Thanks everyone for replies… I’ve just sat with a brew and read through them all and feel a bit less like I’m going mad tbh.

You’re right I should’ve nipped it in the bud earlier instead of dropping hints. I do that thing where I try to be “nice” and not cause a scene but then I end up stewing and now it’s blown up in my head.

Couple of you said it’s DS I should be talking to not her and I know that’s true. He’s probably told her it’s fine to be in the kitchen etc. He doesn’t see the water bill or how much mince we go through in a week. He thinks food just appears. And the pub’s not exactly rolling in it right now either, it’s tight with the price of everything going up. Last thing I need is some teenager scoffing the crisps stock like it’s her private cupboard.

Re rent, honestly I don’t want to be some kind of landlord figure taking money off a 19 year old. But at the same time I can’t afford to fund her showers and toasties and hair straighteners running all night. I was thinking if she’s basically here all week then they should at least cover food and bills. Someone mentioned not calling it rent as then it makes it her proper home, which I hadn’t thought of but makes sense. I just need them to see that it’s not free.

It also bugs me that she’s swanning about in front of the regulars. I’ve had two customers ask “who’s the new barmaid” when she’s literally just been behind the counter making herself a drink. It makes us look unprofessional, like we’ve got random kids helping themselves. Insurance-wise that’s a nightmare as well.

I don’t actually mind her staying over a couple of nights, she’s harmless enough, but not living here like it’s halls. And definitely not in the pub kitchen, that’s driving me mad.

So yes… I think I’ll sit DS down later and tell him straight. Either she coughs up towards costs and stays out of the pub side of things, or it’s back to one or two nights max. If he doesn’t like it then he can move out properly.

Feeling a bit more backbone-y now so thank you.

It depends if you don’t mind her living with your son then set some boundaries and charge her rent for the food and heating etc. if you don’t want her living with your son again set boundaries and expectations that she stays X amount of nights a week.

Time for a chat either your ds and her.
Explain that you’re ReaLly happy for them but

• she CANNOT help herself from the pub ever (nor is your ds I assume?)
• if she is living here, then she needs to pay rent to cover the increased cost in water, food etc….
• any other ground rules you think is necessary. - like doing some of the cooking, hw etc… in the house. That’s her moving from a status of a guess to a member of the household. Aka present it as a positive move!

Only ofc if you are actually for her to live with you. Otherwise the conversation needs to be - guest only therefore no more than 2 nights a week. Ds can maybe stay at her house instead??

Maybe you need to show your son the reality of life by having him pay for stuff.

Send her back to mummy and daddy

I think you’ve got a few options:
If you want her to minimise her time with you, say so!
If she and/or DS insist she must be there at will, set a rent and ground rule such as chores, how much she is allowed to help herself to food or whether she and DS have to buy their own.

In terms of the bar and pub kitchen, tell her she is not to come in (cite health and safety, food hygiene and insurance regs if necessary) or, if you can use help, tell her she can pay her way by working for you (either in return for her keep or for pay which can then use to pay her rent)!

You don’t say whether the GF is working, studying or claiming benefits but she is old enough not to expect a completely free ride.

Blimey, she's cheeky. Not easy, but DS has to tell her. If he won't, you'll have to. At her age, she needs to go home, unless she's in any danger there?

Ugh, she sounds like an insufferable fanny lodger! Get her out! (Or at least she should only stay 2 days a week).

Your DS is also very entitled thinking his girlfriend can help herself. He also shouldn't be just helping himself to stock.

Why

Why does your adult son think food just appears? Does he not know about bills, meal planning, budgeting?

Although your son (presumably a similar age), is living in the cottage, is he paying you rent? Is he paying for his own food that he cooks in the cottage? Or does he come to your living quarters of the pub to eat? Or is he going into the pub kitchen and grabbing food? If your son is living in the cottage rent free, and is nipping back to yours for food, then it's not surprising his girlfriend thinks she can do the same. However, if he's paying rent, buying his own food etc, then she's definitely taking advantage. Neither your son or his girlfriend should be taking food from the pub kitchen, that's an absolute No! If they want to eat in the pub, then they pay like everyone else. Running a pub is hard work, and profit margins tight, so the last thing you need is someone eating into them. Unless your son's girlfriend is employed to work in the pub, or is a paying customer, then she shouldn't be 'swanning' around it. Depending on your answers above, means you need a conversation with your son and his girlfriend. She contributes financially if she's staying more than twice a week, no taking food from the pub or even going into the pub, unless she's paying! You aren't a hotel!!

your son and his girlfriend sound very selfish and entitled, OP. You do not have to put up with this.

Hi,

The three of us need a bit of a chat about how things are working.

Cottage is your space DS for you to manage, and no problem with you GF being there. However, if you’re going to be staying here the majority of time then need to revisit how living costs are managed. We also need to respect the pub and bar and working kitchen as a business space.

That means, not being in staff areas unless working or have been asked in by the shift manager. It means contributing to your share of the food shopping and the utilities for the cottage. Cottage utilities are approximate X at the moment, you two can work out how you split that between you if GF is going to continue to stay here regularly.

@Sassylovesbooks makes a good point Op, is your DS paying his own way, if not he won't see why his GF should pay

Does she work, she's taking the mick, do you know her parents. I'd tell them both she starts paying rent, does your son pay rent, no more bar antics, they buy and cook their own food, if they don't like it they move out.

Can you hear a whirring noise? That’s my late Dad, a pub landlord for 30 years, spinning in his grave at the thought of ANYONE except the staff for that night, being behind the bar. No no no.
Same with helping themselves to drinks and stock. No. He included all the family in that rule and it was to protect everyone, otherwise it sends the message that anything goes! If stock/cash goes missing, you’ll have no idea who does what!

Use co pilot to put together what you want to say, so that it is understood by this girl, your son and all staff. Boundaries are a kindness, and you’re helping no one by not putting them in place.

Re rent, honestly I don’t want to be some kind of landlord figure taking money off a 19 year old. But at the same time I can’t afford to fund her showers and toasties and hair straighteners running all night. I was thinking if she’s basically here all week then they should at least cover food and bills. Someone mentioned not calling it rent as then it makes it her proper home, which I hadn’t thought of but makes sense. I just need them to see that it’s not free.

@CraziiHart Maybe the word you are looking for is "board" rather than rent, as in board and lodging I suppose. I think this used to be the accepted term for what people gave their parents towards their keep when they lived at home. More informal and probably fewer legal connotations than rent.

If she has not been giving her own parents "board" then she might suddenly find your place less attractive when she has to pay towards being there.

A cautionary tale for you:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5398107-remove-verbally-abusive-boyfriend-out-the-granny-flat?page=1

Blimey, this would really p* me off too.

I too think both your DS and his GF need to be told, in no uncertain terms, what the boundaries are. Whilst you seem a very easy going person, your good nature is being taken advantage of, and it is costing you in terms of money, food, and potentially your business.

Good luck OP - and I hope they listen to you!

We had this, with 2DS, it was a nightmare. Ended up making a rule that GFs could stay 3 nights a week tops and if you are cooking you cook your own food. It worked well.

She is being cheeky but has he said help yourself and she's took it at face value? Either way, you need to have a conversation with your son.

YRNBU.

Shes a free loader . She needs to pay the difference of what your losing out on at the very least.

Have you not said anything to your ds ?

Can you not ask your son what is going on.? I mean he probably loves it that she is there and also saying girl whom i am having sex with, help yourself to food ? Does your son not keep food in the cottage or is he just allowed to also take the piss ?

I am another person who grew up in a pub. Lived there for 10 years. There is NO WAY that I was ever allowed to help myself to stock. Ever! If I wanted a packet of crisps, I would have to ask my Dad!

How can you properly tally your outcomings and incomings if people are stealing/helping themselves? Wouldn't there be a problem with doing the accounts?

Don't let her take advantage of you! The pub business is hard enough without putting up with a freeloader.

I wouldn't in any circumstances introduce the concept of her working behind the bar for her keep... if she's an employee she gets rights around minimum wage etc and it would be even more of a nightmare with her helping herself to food. Also if she gets pregnant you'd be in even more of a mess. I'd keep her very separate from the business.

I suspect it's more piss taking in youthful ignorance than anything else but she will hopefully start contributing or spend more time at home if she's set straight about costs.

Totally agree with this - clearly she isn't picking up on it or you are being too subtle. As others have said speak to you son and sort this asap. Dropping hints, being annoyed and not saying what you mean is on you.

Right I’ve just had another look through these and it’s giving me a lot to think about. Thanks for taking the time, even the blunt ones. I know I need to toughen up here.

To answer a few questions - DS does NOT pay me rent at the moment. He was meant to but you know how it goes, he helped out in the pub when needed and I sort of counted that as his “keep”. Probably my mistake because now it looks like everything’s free. He has his own little kitchen in the cottage but never uses it properly, just wanders back into ours and raids the fridge. So no wonder GF thinks she can do the same. Monkey see monkey do.

She does have a part-time job in town, so she’s not completely idle, but it’s shifts and she doesn’t put anything towards being here. I don’t even think she gives her parents board money. Maybe that’s why she likes it here, it’s like a free B&B with unlimited toasties.

The pub thing winds me up most. You lot are right, it’s not just annoying, it’s also risky. If anything went wrong in the kitchen, or if stock goes missing, I’d be the one left looking like a fool. DH thinks it’s “harmless” but he’s not the one paying the invoices. My late FIL would be turning in his grave seeing someone wandering behind the bar like they own it.

I think I do need to use the word “board” instead of rent, like some of you said. It makes it clear she’s not a tenant with rights, just covering her share of food and bills. That feels less heavy but still gets the point across.

So I’m going to sit DS down tonight and lay it out: either she’s a guest (max two nights, buys her own snacks, stays OUT the pub kitchen) or she’s basically living here in which case they both need to pay board and stick to some rules. And if he doesn’t like it then maybe time to grow up and move out properly.

I’m still bracing for the tantrum though. He’ll probably say I’m “ruining things” but honestly I can’t live like I’m running a free youth hostel anymore.