Step-child and wedding exclusion

[Dazedandconfusec]

I have never posted on here to write a post before but have been on here long enough to know there are hundreds of posts about how a man has raised a child as his own only for his family to draw a line and not invite the stepchild to their wedding.

My child is 12 and has a fully involved father, never 50:50 because of the nature of his work but he is involved, sees her all the time and they have just got back from a two week holiday.

I am just so angry that my brother-in-law has not invited her to his wedding, the wedding where her step-dad is best man and her little half-sister is a bridesmaid. Her half-brother is also invited. I am the mother to all of them.

I know she has a whole life without us, in many ways she is more privileged than her siblings but I am just angry and tearful about this.

I don’t understand the mentality which I often see here that a man has to “choose” his step child over his own biological family of origin. If you truly loved your partner why would you ask that of him?

Thats not to say I agree with the lack of invitation (I don’t), but it’s not my wedding nor is it DH’s in this case. I don’t think it’s for him to “have words”. Why not ask nicely.

And DH doesn’t even sound sure that SD 12 actually wants to go when he says if he asks she better not book anything else.

YANBU at all, how hurtful. Honestly, I would decline the invitiation. If you DH must go then he must, but I wouldn't attend myself or allow my children to.

It’s quite silly because on a very practical level, what the hell are you meant to do with her the weekend of the wedding? Your Dh presumably is in the wedding (best man?). Your dd is a bridesmaid. Other young child invited. Someone (you) has to look after those children at the wedding. But you can’t be in two places at once. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Your dh’s family can’t just assume that her dad will jump in for extra childcare that weekend.

I would be happy for Dh to go, but it would be a no for me and the kids.

Shocking isn’t it! My nephew mentions his little Brother nearly every time I see him. How could you not know your niece or nephew has other siblings they live with half the week or more?

Yes, I think it's quite telling that OP hasn't mentioned any potential feelings of upset in DD at not being invited, nor disagreement with DHs point about her having to actually be free and willing to attend. The issue here appears to be with the principle of the thing and OPs feelings.

The way DDs relationship with her DF and his side is described, sounds like it's a possibility worth considering that she'll have better things to do anyway. Fully involved dad, more privileged, evidently stuff going on with hobbies and invitations on her paternal side.

Even if that is the case, so what! This is a child who lives in a family home with her siblings, as a family, a unit, they come as a package. You don’t leave one child out FFS. It’s cruel and unnecessary. How do you think it’ll make her siblings feel?

You never see “his wife” either?

OP is extremely UR and unkind not inviting your DD.

Half hearted at best.

He expected them to make their own way there and for me to probably pay.

No talk of where they would stay (same hotel or who was paying for that either) where the wedding was going ahead.

I suspect a nice hotel (who wouldn't) but he wouldn't have wanted to pay for that.

Wedding was around 4 hours journey, so not easy.

I wouldn't be getting remarried (although heaven forbid that's never happening) without my children being there.

They should have been guests of honour.

We don't have a good "relationship" so bringing it up wasn't really an option.

At the end of the day, he's always to have that on his conscious, he didn't make sure his kids were with him.

Going back to the OPs issue, if I was the BIl I would definitely be extending an invite to the DSD.

If you are having children at a wedding, you really shouldn't exclude some.

Not even remotely the same, but i think you know that

You are making sense. The damage is done, it can be repaired slightly if your DH manages to get through to them. You definitely shouldn’t go if she’s not invited, it’s awful they have excluded her.

I would decline the invite as you dont have childcare for DD.

Different if she was an adult but its not right to exclude one family member.

I wouldn’t go and I would look very differently at my husband if he doesn’t fully support you on this, disgusting not to invite the whole family. I don’t have step children nor am I step child but to leave out a little girl is just awful

Does she have a relationship with your husband family. I think it's a bit mean. I wouldn't leave a child out.

Wow, yes! I have never ever thought of my brother as “half” despite having different dads. Who does that when they are kids?! Perhaps different if you’re grown ups and your parent has kids you don’t see etc. but kids??

Of course you are right to be very upset about this. I felt terrible when I was planning my wedding to have invited my cousin’s newish girlfriend but not her don, as I did not know she had one. The minute I found out I sent a new invite and a letter of apology.

Does the step child live with your brother?

@Tunisia2025

Why not?
If the BIL is expected to invite the kid because she's his niece's/nephew's half sibling.
Why is the her Dad not inviting them as they're his daughter's half siblings?

It’s not impossible that he would invite them to a wedding if he was also inviting OP and her husband.

I was hesitant to post as unlike the far too many threads on the same subject my daughter has a loving, involved father but nevertheless she lives with her stepfather and I believe it is rude and graceless to exclude her.

I have no embarrassment whatsoever that my children are half siblings.

My eldest obviously has a relationship with her stepfather’s family that my younger children don’t have with my eldest’s father. There is no analogy.

Someone said I was avoiding the question about how often my daughter sees my Brother-in-law. He has known her longer than he has known my younger children and sees her as often as he sees the younger ones and his sister’s sons.

I got the impression when SiL first was on the scene that she worked out who eldest was rather than being told who she was but she knew name of other daughter.

I believe an underage step niece living with a sibling should be invited to a wedding if the child’s half siblings will be there.

I would never, ever stop or hinder my younger children enjoying the wedding of their uncle. How would you explain it to them anyway?

My husband will talk to his brother at the weekend. Never, ever would I be willing to pay for my daughter to attend a wedding ever. I would find it demeaning begging for an invitation that should have been freely given.

I am amazed that so many have agreed with me given that she has her own dad on the scene and a loving paternal family. Thank you.

I have answered this. 50/50

It's very simple. Your DH goes but he will need to make are arrangements to look after your 2 younger children whilst they are at the wedding. He will also need to organise their outfits etc for the day

You and you DD don't go and neither do you want to be bored to death hearing about said wedding. As far as you are concerned it's a non event an irrelevance that you are not interested in

I wouldn’t invite a whole family to a wedding and deliberately leave out one child, no.

An utterly bizarre and disgraceful way to behave. You don’t invite a whole family minus the underage child who you know as part of the family

Except it isn’t clear if the bride does know the daughter.

Personally I wouldn't go to a wedding if one of my children were specifically not invited. That would like excluding our step grandkids from stuff...just wouldn't happen